My ex and I broke up after 2.5 years of LDR, one year later and he's dating someone

[CeciliaCylara]

I met my ex online and we instantly had chemistry. He was 28 and I was 19. We starts as friends for a month but the attraction grew and we started dating officially. However, over time about the last half year of our relationship, he was showing signs of depression. It lead to him breaking up with me due to his increase in self-loathing and he didn't want to bring me down with him. I was devastated, but agreed. We stayed friends and I dated a bit, but after having a short-term relationship, I realized I still miss him and confessed it to him. He said he missed me too but still wasn't ready for a relationship. We continued to flirt and express love for each other. He was my first love too, so it wasn't easy to get over him.

 

However, he was telling me about how he was talking about me to his father. To give some background info on our previous relationship, even though we dated for 2.5 years, he didn't not tell his parents he had an LDR gf for two years. It's part of his depression and anxiety issues to confront his parents about it. I blew up from past resentment because of it and cut contact from him. I took time to take care of myself for the next few months and I found my anger subsiding. I wanted to reconcile and connect again, but when I went on FB to friend him again, I saw pictures of him and a new gf. It shocked me and my heart, because I still missed him deep inside despite taking time to take care of myself.

 

I got the nerve to just send him a message asking if we could talk again, since I thought enough was enough to just say something. After I had cut contact with him, he said he just had to accept it and the new girl he's with helped open him up more from his depression and he's grown to trust more people. From what I can tell just from social media, she seemed nice enough and certainly his type. I was sad he moved on, but hearing him say he was improving seemed to melt away as I was happy for him. I had helplessly watched him take a downward turn and despite my best efforts, I couldn't do anything and he had to fix himself. So hearing his life's improving lifted my worries for him. I asked if we could be friends again and he agreed.

 

I wonder if this was a good decision in my part, because even though I'm happy for him, I'm still hopeful that we may be able to reconcile in the future. I am a bit confused since he introduced this new girl to his parents within two months compared to the two years it took with me. It's made me wonder if he really loved me and if he just broke up with me because of the distance, but if it wasn't love, then it would have been over before the first year. His actions are peculiar into making me think it may be a rebound. So there may be some hope but I don't want to hold my breath at the same time. I've been focusing on myself and will continue to do so. I miss him, but I got other stuff I can do other than having a relationship to pass the time. I have never made any attempt to try to sabotage his new relationship, as I will sincerely support him as a friend like I promised.

 

But is it really worth it to want to stay friends? Should I have kept up my no contact? I was afraid NC would mean there'd be no chance of reconciliation if we never talked again, so I gave into limited contact to keep that door open just in case. I want to be hopeful as I do love him, probably will forever, but is that hope even possible? What are your tips for making it more possible?

[basil67]

I think I need more context before I can comment. I find it hard to believe that his parents didn't know about you after 2.5 years. How did the two of you explain going to visit each other? Did he hide you when you were there? What about when he came to visit you?

 

How much time did the two of you spend in each other's company.

[CeciliaCylara]

He talked about me as if I was a friend. My first visit with him was in our first year and I saw him for about three days. It was a heart-wrenching goodbye because just when I was finally getting to know him in person I had to leave. We weren't dating that long and it was our first time seeing each other, so I let it pass to not see his parents. His second visit was in year 2 and it was to see me for about nine days. He's met my mom and family. So far, he still talked about me to his parents as if we're friends. I was getting fed up with it as a couple months passed and he finally told about me after two years, which his parents accepted.

 

He's had a history of bad relationships before, so he had anxiety over telling his parents that his new one was an LDR to someone MUCH younger nonetheless. He also had a lot of family issues so he also didn't want to add to their list of worries too. I was understanding to some degree, but I also held resentment that he lacked a backbone to stand up for me like I had to do for him with my mom. However, he does have depression, so I can understand if he didn't mean to. He's always had trouble trusting people if he was in trouble. It's why I felt unresolved that we ended contact from a fight after he trusted me with so much about himself and I with him during those years together.

Edited September 4, 2017 by CeciliaCylara

[CeciliaCylara]

Update: So I've said my piece to my ex that I will support him and always wish happiness for him. After some small talk, I decided to go NC. I went through the whole day resisting the temptation. I've said what I wanted to say that I didn't want to leave my last attempt of NC on a bitter note. Once I did that, I'm ready to move forward with my life now. I unfollowed him an all social media.

 

I will leave the next contact to chance and it would have to be from him. If what we really had was love, I'm sure it will find a way. If not, I'll still be okay. I'm free now and I can do so much without a relationship tying me down anymore.

[CeciliaCylara]

My ex just texted tonight after two days of no contact.

 

"Still have the shirt you gave me"

 

:\ I don't know what to make of it, but it's definitely ignored.

[bummer]

Dont play games. With him or yourself.

 

With him, if you like the shirt, ask for it back via a dropoff. Otherwise, at least respond with a "keep it." Then leave it NC. You guys have been in contact, end it clean with a goodbye so he understands you are going off the radar.

 

For yourself, it was a LDR with someone who self-sabotaged and perhaps wasn't fully honest or open with you. You were young, still are, and will find someone infinitely better if you let yourself. You can't play the mind games of friend/not friend. Just pick not friend as he has done. If he isn't clear with you what he wants, and the closure wasn't very closey, close it yourself. It's over. No, it's not worth being friends. No, it's not reasonable to think he'll come back to you as his backup someday. No, you can't guess what's in his head or if he loves her, or if he still loves you, or whatever. It is not possible. It cannot be made more possible by yourself alone. If he hasn't run back to you yelling I'm sorry! with full sincerity, then it will not happen.

 

By killing the hope, you let new hope grow from the ashes and allow your heart to open for someone new. By letting false hope fester, well, you got a rotten mess of fantasy and dreams to wake up to on an endless cycle until you finally tell yourself it's over and you don't love him. Then you move on.

[bluefeather]

I was sad he moved on, but hearing him say he was improving seemed to melt away as I was happy for him. I had helplessly watched him take a downward turn and despite my best efforts, I couldn't do anything and he had to fix himself. So hearing his life's improving lifted my worries for him.

 

Just wanna say I think it's awesome that you felt that way. That's a place that can be very difficult to get to (being happy for the ex).

 

I agree that you should go no contact, but not for a chance at getting back with him - rather for your own healing and moving on.

[CeciliaCylara]

Thank you for the advice. I did reply to his text this morning:

 

"Did you want to return it?"

"Nah"

"Then keep it"

"Well duhhh... I was just saying XP"

 

I feel pretty validated knowing that's a sign he misses me so what we had was real, but I left the conversation at that. He shouldn't expect much word from me when he was the one who decided to leave. I already made a lot of progress in self-care, and I plan to do more. A couple months and a couple days of NC is nothing.

[bluefeather]

If he has a girlfriend and continues to talk with you, think about the kind of boyfriend he is.

[CeciliaCylara]

If he has a girlfriend and continues to talk with you, think about the kind of boyfriend he is.

 

Yeah seriously, distance is needed here. -_-

[CeciliaCylara]

I'm at that anger part of the grieving process.... I like it :] It beats crying over fallen petals from a flower that once bloomed. It's already dead.

[CeciliaCylara]

He contacted me again. I guess he was too oblivious to take a hint after I deleted him off all my social media.

 

"Hi how are you?"

"___, I don't mean to be cold, but why do you still want to talk to me? Really?"

"Never thought of having a reason"

"I don't know if you've gotten a clue at this point since I deleted you again already. It really was nice to see and talk to you again. But I quickly realized being friends isn't possible for me. I wanted to reconcile from cutting contact from you on a bitter note. I don't want to leave that memory for you and for me.

 

I'd be lying if I wasn't hoping to reconcile for more too. Which is why I have to fade away from your life now. You moved on. I need to take time to heal. Every time I see your name, it reopens the wounds. So unless you really have something to say to me, I think it's best if you don't reach out to me. I don't resent or hate you. I'm happy that you're healing. But I have to heal alone."

"Ok. Best of luck to you."

 

(being from an LDR, long text responses were pretty normal for us)

 

I don't know if what I said would be significant to him, but I have to put my foot down. As much I want to hear from him, it's causing more turmoil than it's worth at this point. I feel like all the progress I made toward moving on was reset since he sent that. I want him to understand that it's because I still love him, I can't talk to him anymore. If he felt any love for me left, he'd respect that.

 

I'm back to square one.... hopefully there'd be no more interruptions now until it really matters.

Edited September 11, 2017 by CeciliaCylara

[lolablue17]

I think you were great. You said all the right things. You've been honest but still kept a high degree of dignity. When I read the conversation, in my (objective) eyes you seem reliable, deep, solid and very respectful, while he seems shallow. Your straight and sharp question ("why do you still want to talk to me?") cuaght him unprepared, and he just gave you a stupid answer. He probably feels really dumb with himself.

 

So, You shouldfell proud. Yes, it's a hard game, but you're OK. You're gonna be OK. :):)

[CeciliaCylara]

Thank you for your kind words... I have started coming to terms that my ex is actually a covert narcissist. He fits almost every checklist of it, even though he's also an empath. And I fell right into his subconscious bait. The abused becomes the abuser.

 

And now he's got another victim by that same bait. I feel helpless, but he's just no longer my problem anymore. I have to pick up the pieces of myself that he shattered. I have to love myself so I don't make the same mistake, like being with someone as a rebound due to the void he left. I made that mistake already, and I don't want to do that ever again. All I can do is hope that because I was his first healthy relationship he's ever experienced, it may affect him toward positive change from the loss.

 

But it's a what-if. I'll always carry love for him and remember the good and bad. However, until he does show up a changed man, I'm moving on for me.

Edited September 12, 2017 by CeciliaCylara

[CeciliaCylara]

This time apart has given me some clarity about my relationship. I read many other threads in this site, and there were a surprising amount of stories that were similar to mine (not so much the LDR part).

 

I have discovered that my ex doesn't have covert narcissism, but borderline personality disorder. His fear of intimacy, trust issues, internal rage, fear of abandonment, putting up a false image, and self-loathing meets at least five of the nine criteria for it. It all makes sense now what I always felt confused as if whether or not he loved me, especially since he picked up someone else so quick. He is not a heartless person, but VERY unstable.

 

And with my research, I learned that the best I can do at this point is to stay NC. I can't fix him. He has to learn to love himself first. Learning there's a label for this brings some comfort to the logical side of me, but my emotional side is still hurt and grieving. Now that I have the information, I can figure out the path toward healing from here.

[knabe]

This time apart has given me some clarity about my relationship. I read many other threads in this site, and there were a surprising amount of stories that were similar to mine (not so much the LDR part).

 

I have discovered that my ex doesn't have covert narcissism, but borderline personality disorder. His fear of intimacy, trust issues, internal rage, fear of abandonment, putting up a false image, and self-loathing meets at least five of the nine criteria for it. It all makes sense now what I always felt confused as if whether or not he loved me, especially since he picked up someone else so quick. He is not a heartless person, but VERY unstable.

 

And with my research, I learned that the best I can do at this point is to stay NC. I can't fix him. He has to learn to love himself first. Learning there's a label for this brings some comfort to the logical side of me, but my emotional side is still hurt and grieving. Now that I have the information, I can figure out the path toward healing from here.

 

I'm glad you're moving on, but you do realize, of course, that you do know if your ex "has" anything. Unless you are a doctor and he was your patient, you can't diagnose anything.

 

So you should probably stop that.

[CeciliaCylara]

If he really had BPD, he probably wouldn't go to a doctor anyway. It's part of my healing. It's the answer I found most relatable and it's helped me talk to other victims of partners with this disorder. And if he ever tried to come back, I'd know what to expect from him if we are to ever to have contact again.

[bluefeather]

First you called him a narcissist, which from what you described so far, sounded completely off base. And later you continued, saying "after clarity" now he has BPD. Be very careful with accusations like that. Those are mental issues that include psychological and physical abuse. You seemed to be doing well at the beginning, but now it looks like you are demonizing him.

 

For full disclosure, I have been through experiences of serious mind-f*** abuse, and do believe I have dealt with people who possess those traits. What I am saying to you is, you should know how serious of an accusation you are making when you say things like that.

Edited September 17, 2017 by bluefeather

[ExpatInItaly]

First you called him a narcissist, which from what you described so far, sounded completely off base. And later you continued, saying "after clarity" now he has BPD. Be very careful with accusations like that. Those are mental issues that include psychological and physical abuse. You seemed to be doing well at the beginning, but now it looks like you are demonizing him.

 

For full disclosure, I have been through experiences of serious mind-f*** abuse, and do believe I have dealt with people who possess those traits. What I am saying to you is, you should know how serious of an accusation you are making when you say things like that.

 

I agree with the above.

 

OP, I don't doubt this guy is a player and a user. But please don't make the mistake of trying to diagnose him when you are not qualified to do so. I know it's tempting as you are trying to find an explanation for his behaviour, but you do not have the tools or training to label him with one mental illness or another.

 

My ex is diagnosed BPD, by two psychiatrists. Believe me when I say, you likely would have known much sooner that something was wrong if he actually suffers from this condition. It is not something that can be hidden or go unnoticed for very long when you're in an intimate relationship with a BDPer. It is also not something a former partner walks away from relatively unscathed. Unless you are leaving out many details, he does not sound BPD.

 

It honestly seems more like he found a young, inexperienced girl he could string along and play games with. I don't mean that as an insult to you; all of us were in the same boat as teens. But it appears that rather than suffering a mental illness, he played you and has not been honest with you for a long time. This new girlfriend of his has likely been on the scene far longer than know, unfortunately. You wouldn't have known since it sounds like he kept you largely hidden from his personal, day-to-day life.

 

I agree that you do need to cut him off for good. He is still trying to toy with you and it's not going to end well. Stay strong and block him.

[CeciliaCylara]

I will tell you the other details then.

 

Early on in the relationship, I have had a disagreement with him in how he told talked to me about an ex which he went on a drunk rant about. Since it was early in the relationship, I thought that was inappropriate to bring up his ex, especially in anger and politely asked him to not bring it up again. He took the criticism badly and was distant from me, telling me he was afraid of losing me by messing up again. "Again" That one of the first red flags in the first few months, but I was forgiving and he didn't do it again like he said.

 

He did not tell his parents about me for a long time. Every time I asked why, he said he didn't wanted to burden his family since everyone was having their own issues and telling them that he had a long distance gf on top of his past history of failed relationships would cause unnecessary worry. I've realized as part of a BPD's traits, he has a "false image" he tries to protect. He is the middle man in his family, so people go to him for their problems.

 

He is very warm and welcoming to the online art community we are in and generally people see him as an awesome guy to hang out with. He's also a huge flirt, but never crossed the boundaries of our relationship other than compliments and crude jokes. When I was his gf, I know that in his personal life is actually lacking in close friends. The closest people around him were his family. The close friends he does have are long-distance, states and countries away. He always went out of his way to help people and protect people he cared about. However, when he had problems, he'd rather hide them away and goes into a "loner" mindset with them.

 

He has trust issues. There was I time when I told him I wanted to read a story he wrote. He gave it to me for me to read later. However, I am a procrastinator and not much of a reader, but I did want to get around to it when I had the opportunity. When he brought it up if I read it yet, I said no. He became disappointed and said "this is why I have trust issues, I gave the story to someone else and they didn't read it too". I was hurt since I did want to read, but he KNEW of my faults. Also, he never brought up how much he wanted me to read it. If he had told me how much it meant to him, I would have pushed it higher in my priorities. I was also hurt because I had forgiven him many times for his mistakes before, but if I messed up, I'm somehow untrustworthy.

 

He is a workaholic. When I first got with him, he was just finishing college (at 28). He just started a new job. A lot of distractions he had while we were together. When work slowed down, he had more time to be alone with his thoughts. He hated it. He is very doubtful of himself too. He is a contracted worker, and despite being a good employee and getting bonuses and praise from his bosses, he lacks confidence in seeking a promotion or to be officially hired. He has complained about the work structure in his job and I suggested he could bring it up to his boss in order to prove himself. However, he continued to remain complacent in his position.

 

Usually when I ask him about his past, he tries to dodge the question. I know he had a difficult time through his parents' divorce. There was a time he was falsely accused of sexual assault by a student in elementary school (he was the only black kid in an all-white, Catholic school and has hated churches and religion since). His brother had died of drug overdose and most of his family also has issues of substance abuse, and not the small stuff either. Whenever I push to learn more about him and understand his trauma, he pulls away and I had to leave it there. He's told me revealing those details was physically painful for him to do and hates having people worry about him.

 

He used to tell me he believes generally people wear masks in the public, because we're all trying to hide the ugly parts of ourselves in order to fit in. He has described his feelings as if he had a split personality, a hot and cold one. (He claims it's part of being a Gemini).

 

I stood firm to him that I would not say I was in love with him until I knew for sure through his actions. He did by saving up money for his trip here, despite his financial strain, to meet in the summer, even though I told him he could wait until winter. I told him I loved him after that. Months of expressed love as I felt the fire was renewed. He told me many reasons why he loved me and I felt special and told him why I love him too.

 

However, when his depression turned for the worse, he could not list one reason again except "I was a nice person and nice to be around." I was devalued in a matter of months, and I don't think it was a coincidence it happened while the turmoil from his family grew. I knew he was suffering without him telling me, and I believe he saw that as threatening because I was seeing the ugly parts he was trying to hide from me.

 

He is very angry internally. I can feel it from him as he gets angry over minor things. I'm usually the one to calm him down and assure him that the issue is minor. He is still angry over much of his past... his childhood... his exes... his brother's death. He has outbursts sometimes.

 

He has intimacy/commitment issues. I brought up the idea of moving in together after the two-year mark in the relationship. Not with the intention that I wanted to move in right away, but because we were long distance, I thought it would be appropriate to talk about to see if we can continue to make us work. I said that if one of us had to move, it could be me because my field (accounting) is very flexible and I'd be able to find a job easier than if he came to Michigan with an art degree. He got defensive and said we shouldn't even talk about those things since we both weren't financially ready for that. I would agree, but we were already together two years and I was close to graduating. I thought a plan would have been good for us to maintain a long-term relationship than just moving forward aimlessly, not even knowing if we can work out in the future. Also, there was a point he asked me what I thought about if a woman proposed to a man instead. I straight up told him that's not going to happen from me. I believe this anxiety stemmed from a failed engagement he had with his early ex. When he visited, we got really intimate one night (but no sex), however, he stopped because he felt too nervous in going to far with me and thinking I may regret it after. I assured him I trusted him, but left it be to ease his worry.

 

I tried to point out that his withdrawal was unfair to me because he was neglecting my feelings. We had a fight where he made an insensitive joke that he was going to surprise me with a visit and even went into detail about the times and plans he had when he got here, only to tell me it was only a wish. I was livid, because I was already feeling emotionally neglected at that point and was starving for affection from him. I told him I was hurt from his "joke" and all he had to say to me was I took him too seriously and acting naive. I refused to talk to him for a week after and when we finally decided to talk, he told me the joke should have gotten to him too and he hates himself because things keep going wrong for him and he couldn't stop himself from acting so selfish.

 

Not only that, during this time, I was still angry with him and didn't speak to him, but his birthday was coming up. I had gotten a signed print from the voice actor of Master Chief from Halo, popular video game series, which I knew he'd love. I was thinking whether or not to give it to him due to the way he acted. I decided that even though I was still angry, I still wanted to work through our issues and broke silence to give him the birthday gift. I didn't want to be the girlfriend who withholds gifts over an argument just to be bitter. If that doesn't show love, I don't know what! Even after that, he still let me go a month later.

 

After he dumped me, he did tell me he saw a doctor and went through some appointments which sounds like what could have been DBT therapy, since he was given no prescriptions and they were teaching him how to rewire his thinking to not recede to his depressive thoughts. During this time we were still talking and even worked toward reconciling. However, I felt increasingly frustrated that he wanted to reconcile, but he was the one who chose to leave in the first place. He wanted me around, but didn't want a relationship. When I suggested that we cut contact, he begged me not to and that he'll try harder to earn my affection back. He didn't want to alone again. I did stay for a few weeks longer, but my frustration won out as he just couldn't understand how much his actions have hurt me, no matter how much I explained it to him. I was still bitter from the breakup and how he broke up for how HE felt and didn't consider how I'd feel. He kept saying he loves me but the way he showed it was so confusing and exhausting. He was selfish yet lacked self-esteem. Whenever I try to tell him how much he meant to me, he doesn't believe me or believe in himself. When I say I want to be with him, he says I deserve better and doesn't see how someone could wait for someone like him. I definitely felt like I was being pushed and pulled.

 

How convenient, that right when I decided to cut contact from him, one of the closest people to him who he shared his demons, he has picked up someone else else weeks after. I believe when I cut contact from him, he shut down his emotions. He believed I abandoned him and want nothing to do with him. (his final message to me was [he will always think of me, even though he may no longer exist to me], while on the contrary, I still loved him, but told him he was just not ready to be with me due to his issues). I believe my rejection of him triggered his abandonment issues and he had to fill the void. To keep up his image, he got a new gf (since his friends and family have complained why he hasn't).

 

There's probably more I can say, but they're subtle and need more context to get into. From my experience with him, I fully believe he has acted the way he did due to his unresolved issues. Our mutual friend also agrees with me, having seen some of the darker parts of my ex. It's why I have to stay NC and just wish him well. I tried so hard and he just couldn't change his ways, doomed to repeat another cycle. I'm left to pick up the pieces. I've only had more clarity to these details recently because through therapy, I found out that I myself have shown codependent tendencies. I have repeatedly excused much of his immature behavior, thinking it was due to my inexperience for being in a relationship and how much I wanted us to work because my parents didn't work out. I am currently working on that and unlike him, have sworn off from having a serious relationship until I fix my issues and learn to love myself more. When I was researching about his behavior, I was linked to articles from victims of narcissistic partners that went through similar experiences. However, I could not believe the person I was with actually lacked empathy. I thought he actually had too much of it and is an empath. So the more I researched, I finally came across articles of BPD and now I believe this is the closest answer. I am far from coming out of this unscathed. I have failed college courses and gained weight due to distress over the situation. I questioned my worth as a person and despite all I thought I did was right, I still wasn't good enough for him. I'm just lucky to be out before I completely lost my sanity.

 

He had only tried getting help after losing me. I don't know if he's still making appointments with his doctor or whoever is trying to help him train his mind. I do know that those issues didn't magically go away in a matter of months so that he's ready to be in another relationship again when in the weeks before, he was still saying he loves me and wanted to earn me. I done the research to understand him better and understand why I stayed as long as I did so I don't make the same mistake. I still love him, probably forever, but as long as he keeps losing touch with his feelings, I need to stay away. I hope that he does heal in the future and reaches out to me so I can say I forgive him because I knew he was sick and went through so much crap in his life. I wish I could have understood the real nature of his actions when we were together and dealt with it in better ways. However, the odds are slim and I really shouldn't hold onto these what-ifs. He made his choice and I deserve happiness too.

Edited September 18, 2017 by CeciliaCylara

[CeciliaCylara]

I'll also add that in the beginning of the relationship, whenever I had an issue of the relationship, he was willing to compromise and we discussed how to resolve it like two mature adults. (the pull phase)

 

However, when he was going into a deep depression (the push away phase), he was no longer able to work with me and instead gave empty "I'm sorry"s when I tell him how something he did hurt my feelings. It's empty because instead of acknowledging and discussing the issue like he used to, he apologized as a way of dismissing the issue.

 

Whenever I point out his own character flaws, like isolating himself or enabling the toxic behavior of his family members, he gives me empty "thanks" and then expects the discussion to end there. It frustrated the heck out of me and (before understanding BPD) I called him out that the way he was behaving was immature and selfish. His reply to me was, "I guess I'm not as selfless as I thought..."

 

I immediately thought he was being a dramatic baby by giving me that kind of response. Instead of explaining himself, he tries to put on the guilt trip instead. Again, unable to get in touch with his emotions or put himself in my shoes.

[ExpatInItaly]

In the end, BPD or not (and I still lean towards not, even based on your updated description - though he could indeed have other mental health issues) this was not a viable relationship.

 

I am unclear, did he ever tell his family that you were his girlfriend? Did you have any real way to verify if everything he told you about himself was true, beyond just taking his word? I understand you feel you know him very well, but it sounds like you only know what he chose to show you. The rest of it, well, he kept you in the dark. That should have been a major red flag to you, as it usually means that someone is being very dishonest and doesn't want their "cover" blown.

 

His hot-cold behaviour with you is not a result of his zodiac sign, and I hope you didn't buy that ridiculous excuse. I am Gemini too and I can promise you I treat loved ones with consistent care and respect. He is also very immature for 29.

 

Rather than attempting a diagnosis, which only a medical professional can do, you would be better to start focusing on yourself and your healing. You need to get to the bottom of why you put up with all of this for so long. It wasn't healthy, and you were right to feel neglected. So what was it inside you that prevented you from just ending it?

[CeciliaCylara]

He may not have BPD, but I believe he had strong traits of it.

 

He did tell his family about me after the two year mark, however, I still wasn't over the fact that he withheld that information for so long. They knew me longer as his ex gf in the three years I've invested with him, when we were together and the time we were still talking after.

 

I believe he's been forthright throughout the relationship. It's just something I picked up from our communication during long distance. If he was trying to be dishonest, he was bad at it, like when I could tell when something was bothering him despite him not directly telling me (there's a change in tone in the way he writes, I don't think people who haven't been in an LDR will understand or pick up on these cues). However, his persistent desire to keep his problems to himself and not tell me even after our time together was an issue for me.

 

From my therapy, I have realized that I have codependency issues. I didn't want to end it because I wanted to make it work. My parents' marriage failed and I no longer speak to my father. My mom's new husband turned out to be an a** and I believe that he IS BPD or something similar, way more than my ex because he's verbally abusive and always plays victim and nothing is his fault. I promised myself that if I were to get into a serious relationship, I would fight to make it work. My downfall was not knowing when to call it quits when the other person doesn't put in same effort. I rebounded into another relationship after our breakup, but that one only lasted a few months, and he was another person who had a messed up background and tossed me aside too.

 

From articles I read about BPD, I did read about how a person with BPD usually gets with someone who is codependent, with a personality that is introverted, but kind hearted (ding ding ding, me). So studying BPD has helped realized my flaws and I'm working on them. I'm back in therapy and I've sworn not to get into another serious relationship until I've fully healed and learned to love myself.

 

I just think it's ridiculous that while I'm going through this painful recovery which is going to take me years to fully cope, he's frolicking with someone else already. It's made me second guess if there really is hope he can get better and a second chance was possible. He's 32 now btw while his new gf is my age (23), making matters worse that he's getting to an age where he may get set in his ways. My brain tells me to stay out of contact because it's not my issue anymore, but my heart still feels betrayed and wants to reach out to him.

Edited September 18, 2017 by CeciliaCylara

[ExpatInItaly]

At 32, he already is set in his ways. And really, that's his problem. Not yours. One day you will be grateful for that!

 

This guy was not a good match for you and there were red flags all over this. Please, cut him off for good. He's not going suddenly change and see your value.

 

Value yourself more, and you will be strong enough to forget clowns like this who waste your time.

[stillafool]

I don't think this guy has BPD but was always some what on the fence about your relationship and that is why he was always blowing hot and cold. That is also why his parents didn't know about you for so long. Probably because he didn't tell them about you. My husband is a Gemini and is very loving and faithful so zodiac sign excuses don't fly. He may have had some childhood issues but who hasn't. I'm tired of everyone blaming their childhood problems on their unhappy life. Since he is now seeing a new girl maybe it will help you move on. I'm sorry that the other guy you were dating kicked you to the side but don't try to get back with this guy because you will find yourself hurt all over again.