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Not sure where to go from here, if we have a chance


coffeeaddict9

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coffeeaddict9

I recently ended things with someone I really liked in mid August; we dated for 6 months. We were about 40 minutes apart so we saw each other about once a week. I'm in medical school so I'm pretty busy and I made that pretty known to him that if I was making time for him, it was because I thought he was worth it.

 

Things were always really good with us, we hardly ever fought, we texted everyday for the entire 6 months, we had great chemistry in person. He would drive 40 minutes almost every week to see me, he would cook for me, we went on dates to museums and movies, I saw his workplace, we celebrated his birthday together. My friends really liked him when they met him in June. I haven't met many of his friends because he moved to this area late last year and his closest friends are in a different state. I know they knew about me because I was in the room when he had a conversation with one of them and he talked about me. I have met his cousin and a couple co-workers; he also brought his dog around me a lot. Also, we weren't having sex because I had a bad experience in the past and didn't feel ready; he completely respected that and never pushed me.

 

The only problem is we never took that step to be in a relationship. We had talked about "exclusively dating" when I brought it up but he said that there was some mental block that was preventing him from taking that step to a relationship. We talked about it probably two or three times throughout the 6 months. There was fault on both sides - I knew he wasn't ready for a relationship, but he also knew that I was. My breaking point came because I could tell how deep my feelings were getting, and how hurt I got every time he couldn't commit. I told him that and he said that he really liked me, was invested in me, but just didn't feel "mentally ready" to be in a full on relationship, to treat me the way he thought I deserved. And so I walked away. It was a pretty short conversation and I've just been left with a lot of hurt and a lot of questions.

 

He is a great person and I really do believe that if we took the chance, we could have something really good. I really really miss him, in both a romantic sense and a friendship sense, but I don't know where to go from now because we are just at this crossroads of I can't continue just dating but he's not ready for the relationship. He brought up the future in our conversation, saying that once he can figure out what his mental block is, maybe we could try. I almost hate that he said that, because now I have this false hope for us. We haven't talked to each other since that day we ended it, but I miss him so much and just wonder should I reach out at some point? Should I wait for him to reach out, will he even reach out? Is there a chance?

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I don't know that there is a chance. If he was that interested in you, he wouldn't have told you he wasn't wanting a full relationship. It's not the distance. Where I live, you drive 40 minutes just to get to the other side of town. It's nothing. He might be still hung up on an ex or he might have his eye on another woman he holds out hope for to become interested in him, or he may just want to date around. But be glad he at least was honest about it. I'm sorry he just wasn't as invested as you. I just think you should concentrate on your med school for now and then wait until you meet someone else in your field who will understand!

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hi coffeaddict. no ; dont wait for him to reach out too you as you might be waiting for a long time (and you are already in a mental quandry waiting for what might or might not happen)!

 

the only way you are going to know anything is to talk to him.

 

...we cant guarantee a happy ending for you, that's up to him if he wants to be with you now and to you both work at it then you have a good chance.

 

the danger of waiting for things like this is that if you wait for him for too long and he thinks youre not that bothered anymore and meets someone else! what then!!!!

 

just go for it. if you dont get him, at least you can move on and you will not be regretting what might have been or wishing for what wont happen.

 

its better to know where you stand. if he knows you like him its up to him.

 

ok, so he wasnt ready then, but you still like him so why not see if things have changed.

 

you'll feel better for knowing what is what im sure of that, even if the reply upsets you for a while, its better to know.

 

 

see ya. maxi

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He's let you know where he stands. He knows enough about you after 6 months and knows what you want. Unfortunately he doesn't want the same thing. I don't think contacting him changes anything. After he doesn't have you around for a while and doesn't get attention from you, he may figure out that he really misses what he had with you and comes back wanting to give things a shot. He's just not ready right now or he's just wanting to see if there is a better fit out there for him. I suggest leaving things right now and work on moving forward. You should never try to convince someone of how great things could be between both of you. You may feel one way and he feels another. Be careful because words of hope most of the times in a break up are completely meaningless. You need to see action that matches them.

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Surprised no ones asked how old you guys are.

???

Surprised you date for 6mths too , do people even do that

Tbh , it all sounds a bit too formal over all that time to not go anywhere much much sooner than now.

Although , all types of people and couples out there so maybe not l guess.

lt's all making me think though he's had hold back right through so l dunno if l like the odds now but hey , l could be a mile off. Or hold back yeah but not about you perhaps , could be he's age, life or stuff going on, something held him back though.

But yeah l agree ,l'd just ask him ,talk to him, to hell with waiting mths to see if he comes round.

l'd give him a bit longer but if no word go see him or whatever.

lt might not be what you wanna hear but at least you'll know.

Edited by Chilli
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coffeeaddict9

Thanks everyone for your insight and advice!

 

Chilli, I'm 25 and he's 26. I do agree that it was weird to date for 6 months without moving forward. I brought it up 2 or 3 times with him but was just too afraid to put my foot down until now because I haven't felt that way about someone in a long time and didn't want to lose him. He did go through some life changes, he moved jobs while we were dating and he's currently in the process of renting and moving into a house.

 

I think where I'm struggling the most is that he did put a lot of effort into us for those 6 months; we both did. We both have demanding schedules, me with school and him with his new job, coupled with the 40 minutes to see each other - it was hard. We both live in major cities, it would have been easier to just find someone to date in that city but we chose to work at it instead. It seems like this can't be it for us after all that. When we ended it, I told him I needed to step away because it was hurting too much and I guess I wonder if maybe I should reach out first because I said that.

 

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I do know that I'm going to take the next 3ish weeks to focus on myself, I'm not going to contact him no matter how sad I get. I think a lot of the regret, confusion and hurt is because of how recent it is and I don't want to be irrational about it because he does mean a lot to me. I also think we both need to take some time to think about everything.

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I would give him credit for being honest about not wanting a relationship at this time. Surely it is better for him to do that than to "agree" to be with you when his heart isn't really in it?

 

I know it hurts now, but at least you can move on sooner rather than later.

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