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15 Years Later ***Updated***


Samantha.Leo

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Samantha.Leo

Where to even start...

 

T. Love of my life. Worst choice ever for a boyfriend. We had a very rocky but intense relationship. We fit like a puzzle. I loved him and he loved me. Before certain things got in the way: his drug habit, his being in and out of jail, not trustworthy in his twenties. Long story short, I joined the military to get away from him. He did not go easily. We met up again about a year later just for a day. He had not changed. He ended up moving out of state and I didn't hear from him again.

 

Fast forward to July of this year. I get a phone call from him. It had been so long since I had spoken to him, I forgot his voice. Once he said who he was, I hung up. Complete knee-jerk reaction. He called both of my numbers, one was my unpublished cell phone number, and left messages. I waited two weeks and decided to call him back. I mean, it had been 15 years since I saw the guy, what the hell had he been up to all this time? Turns out, after he left the state, he ended up in a lot of trouble and went to prison for 10 years. He got out and looked me up. He hadn't been out more than a month apparently. He apologized for everything and said he was a changed man. He wanted to talk to me, and see me, and see how I was doing. Weeks go by of me and him talking on the phone for hours, texting, and making plans to meet up the first weekend in August. Those weeks of talking made me think he was different. He certainly seemed like he was a changed man. So I decided to meet him. We both still felt those intense feelings for the other (or at least he said he did) and wanted to see each other.

 

Long story short, we meet up and make up for lost time for two nights. On the first night, he tells me he had been talking to his ex-wife and she said she was getting a divorce from her current husband of 14 years. OK, well, I won't play second fiddle. The second night, he is cold towards me and tells me that him and his ex-wife had decided to give it another go. She's leaving her 14-year marriage for him and that they had been talking while he was in prison. She's not even in the country. They were divorced before we were together the first time. What?! Where was this in the conversations we had for hours the weeks before?! To say that I was hurt is an understatement.

I come back home and I am destroyed. I have been having so much trouble getting past this and I cannot figure out why this is so different than the other relationships that have gone sour. I am seriously depressed over this. He won't even talk to me now. I feel so used, and I am sure that's what I was. I just can't get past it and I need someone to talk to. I can't talk to my friends because they have no idea that this even happened. I guess I just need advice on where to go from here. How do I cope? What do I do?

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He was a mistake and he still is. Don't be so hard on yourself. Mistakes are just lessons. When you learn from the mistake you don't repeat it.

 

So its a tough lesson you have learned. You move on.

 

Thank you for your service! :)

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He was contacting everyone he knows because when you get out of prison, you need friends because nothing comes easy. He touched all the bases trying to assure someone would be there to lean on, and you are LUCKY he ended up with his ex instead of you! Now, open up your eyes and realize that. You are lucky you didn't get all embroiled and waste a bunch of time and get taken advantage of nine days from Sunday and then figure out he hadn't changed.

 

He is HER problem now, and he WILL be a problem.

 

Move on, block him. Enjoy the old memories before he changed and ruined himself because those rightly belong to you. But he's not that guy anymore.

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Samantha.Leo

These waves of grief are uncontrollable and debilitating. I was fine when I went to sleep, but I wake up with him on my mind. I want to talk to him, hold him, see him. It's all I can do to get out of my bed in the mornings. I didn't text him yesterday--first day that haven't done that. I don't know what to do. []

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
3 threads merged ~6
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Samantha.Leo

The last message he sent was Sunday night where I told him

"I hope you get everything you want. Goodbye T."

He texted me back saying

"Thank you for loving me. I needed you. Goodbye."

He hasn't responded to any other text. Yesterday was the first day I did not text him. I've been writing to him in a note on my phone but I haven't sent it. I just wish I knew the answers to why everything changed so suddenly. He was visibly upset that last night. He cried. Were those tears faked for my benefit? He talked of having me in his life. This was before I left that night after we were already together. I keep going back in my head trying to figure out what I did wrong, if anything. I can't move forward...I'm in limbo.

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Samantha.Leo

Thanks for the responses. A month ago, there is no way this would be happening. I don't know what changed in my mind. I haven't been with anyone in 6 years. He is the first is 6 years. I wonder if that has something to do with it. I'm trying to move forward but these waves of grief hit me so hard.

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You apply all of your military discipline to this & you stay strong. Remind yourself that he is still the selfish bad boy you were smart enough to run away from all those years ago. Back then it was drugs & brushes with the law. Now it's cheating & being a user. His EX wife was never as gone as it made it seem; he lied to you in a effort to have sex with you & it worked.

 

He's not a good person. Remember that when you feel weak. You may be in love with the idealized version of who you want him to be, but the reality of who he is doesn't compare.

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You deserve better. Prove that to yourself (and to him, indirectly) by staying completely out of his life and not letting him into yours for ever!!!

 

You don't have to hate him, if you don't want to. Some people resort to hating the wrongdoer; it doesn't work for everybody. Some people need to vent, even to the wrongdoer, stating how they feel, via a letter or something like that, as a sort of closure. Find what works better for you and go for it. Just please make sure you find a way of removing him of your life once and for all!

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Samantha.Leo

[]

 

So I haven't texted him since Wednesday, which is the only time that we haven't spoken each day since we started talking again. I had requested to connect on facebook messenger when we first started speaking again, but he hadn't added me yet. I don't know how to take a request like that back, or cancel it so I left it alone figuring he would ignore it anyway. Today I get a notification that he added me on messenger. WTF...I have actually been doing OK today. No breakdowns, no real sad feelings, and trying to take advice from those who have posted on this. (Thanks again by the way, I really need someone to talk to) I've even felt a little more anger about this instead. I'm trying to convince myself that he added me by accident and that I shouldn't think anything of it, but the thought tries to creep in that he did it on purpose for whatever reason to try and mess with my head again. Again, WTF...I'm trying not to go into a tailspin over this.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
3 threads merged ~6
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Samantha.Leo
He was a mistake and he still is. Don't be so hard on yourself. Mistakes are just lessons. When you learn from the mistake you don't repeat it.

 

So its a tough lesson you have learned. You move on.

 

Thank you for your service! :)

 

Yes a very tough lesson to be learned. I know he was a mistake, even 15 years ago, but first loves, they hit you hard.

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Samantha.Leo
He was contacting everyone he knows because when you get out of prison, you need friends because nothing comes easy. He touched all the bases trying to assure someone would be there to lean on, and you are LUCKY he ended up with his ex instead of you! Now, open up your eyes and realize that. You are lucky you didn't get all embroiled and waste a bunch of time and get taken advantage of nine days from Sunday and then figure out he hadn't changed.

 

He is HER problem now, and he WILL be a problem.

 

Move on, block him. Enjoy the old memories before he changed and ruined himself because those rightly belong to you. But he's not that guy anymore.

 

When I read this, I really did think I was lucky that it wasn't me on the receiving end of prison letters this time. I was at one point, jail letters anyway, which is what led to the meet up a year later. I remember thinking back then after I saw him again, "Boy I dodged a bullet there." Why I didn't think that this time I met up with him again, I have no idea. I can only figure that I have felt lonely and he showed up at just the right time for those feelings to come back. I'm sure he will be a problem, even the way he spoke

about getting back together with her didn't seem like he thought it would work. I'm trying to move on, it is hard, but today is an OK day. Not like yesterday, yesterday was rough. You are right, he is not that guy anymore.

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Samantha.Leo
You apply all of your military discipline to this & you stay strong. Remind yourself that he is still the selfish bad boy you were smart enough to run away from all those years ago. Back then it was drugs & brushes with the law. Now it's cheating & being a user. His EX wife was never as gone as it made it seem; he lied to you in a effort to have sex with you & it worked.

 

He's not a good person. Remember that when you feel weak. You may be in love with the idealized version of who you want him to be, but the reality of who he is doesn't compare.

 

He's always been a user in some sense of the word. He used drugs and people back then. He still uses people. His ex has a child with him, which has always kept her a part of his life. I never tried to meet his ex, never wanted to. He is not a good person, he's a people user in every sense of the words. I thought about what you said about me being in love with the idealized version of who I want him to be, and maybe that's it. I mean, people can say whatever they want to on the phone or in a text and none of it can be true. I spoke to him for weeks before I saw him.

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Samantha.Leo
You deserve better. Prove that to yourself (and to him, indirectly) by staying completely out of his life and not letting him into yours for ever!!!

 

You don't have to hate him, if you don't want to. Some people resort to hating the wrongdoer; it doesn't work for everybody. Some people need to vent, even to the wrongdoer, stating how they feel, via a letter or something like that, as a sort of closure. Find what works better for you and go for it. Just please make sure you find a way of removing him of your life once and for all!

 

I know I deserve better, and I've been telling myself that, but it's this stupid hold I feel that he has on me. I've been writing to him in a note on my phone, but I haven't sent it to him. I want to hate him, but I wonder if that feeling would help me get past this faster. I thought about writing an actual letter to him, putting all his pictures and things from before in with it, and mailing it to him as a way of closure, but I still can't bring myself to do it. What is holding me back?!

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mccluskeyj17

Sometimes we try to go back and revisit the past, forgetting that it did not work the first time. There is a reason why he is an ex. Taking into consideration he has been in prison for 10 years, I would encourage you to be tested for HIV especially if you didn't use protection. Very few men serve that length of time and not have sex with other men.

 

It does sound like you were used but it is time to move on because it is what it is. As long as you communicate with him you are going to be on an emotional roller coaster. Would you knowingly drink poison? No. This man had not had sex with a woman in 10 years, and if he had been honest with you, you would not have given him some. Him being cold to you was for your good, although it hurts so you don't get caught up again. You went into the military and did something with your life, so you have to love yourself more otherwise you will keep settling. In order to move on you have to forgive him as well as forgive yourself.

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Try redirecting your thoughts. I'm starting to understand that if the thought stays in my head and if i don't allow it to travel down to my heart, things become much more manageable. I'm diligently working on blocking those income painful thoughts and bring myself to the present.

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I read your full back story. Sorry you're going through this.

 

What I will say I found when going through my break up was that I did anything to feel something- it's so much easier being angry etc over the situation than to be left in limbo with no contact or forced no contact when they're not contacting you.

 

The nothingness of feeling numb is worse than the upset or anger, so at times, I know I found I clung to the anger or over thought everything to delay/deny having to face the deafening silence of nothing...so a situation like yours (adding on messenger) would have started all kinds of emotions (all negative or false hope) which I would never have admitted, I actually welcomed.

 

I made REAL progress when I just went with the flow of emotion.

 

I wrote down everything I felt every night. I have lots of draft emails I never sent. Got every little nagging thought out. I would then re-read the email the next night and that actually was proof to me how changeable my moods and feelings were towards him, then I'd be relieved I never sent the previous one.

 

The emails started about him and how he made me feel etc and I could see me finding myself again day by day.

 

It's a long process. It's a hard process but you are worth so much more than wondering what you did wrong.

 

Feel free to vent here, I usually just lurked but it helped.

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Samantha.Leo
I read your full back story. Sorry you're going through this.

 

What I will say I found when going through my break up was that I did anything to feel something- it's so much easier being angry etc over the situation than to be left in limbo with no contact or forced no contact when they're not contacting you.

 

The nothingness of feeling numb is worse than the upset or anger, so at times, I know I found I clung to the anger or over thought everything to delay/deny having to face the deafening silence of nothing...so a situation like yours (adding on messenger) would have started all kinds of emotions (all negative or false hope) which I would never have admitted, I actually welcomed.

 

I made REAL progress when I just went with the flow of emotion.

 

I wrote down everything I felt every night. I have lots of draft emails I never sent. Got every little nagging thought out. I would then re-read the email the next night and that actually was proof to me how changeable my moods and feelings were towards him, then I'd be relieved I never sent the previous one.

 

The emails started about him and how he made me feel etc and I could see me finding myself again day by day.

 

It's a long process. It's a hard process but you are worth so much more than wondering what you did wrong.

 

Feel free to vent here, I usually just lurked but it helped.

 

I've been writing a lot over the last few days, allowing these feelings to come as they do, breaking down when it happens, screaming, crying, sobbing if necessary. Reading posts on here, listening to music that helps, and recently, I started working out again. I had to start moving. Burying these feelings didn't help the first time, obviously, because they came back years later. 15 years they have been in my head. I know this because I always thought about him, he snuck into my dreams. I was in the middle of a war zone years after we split and I still had dreams of him. I think I'm not only mourning the loss of this new chance with him, but the times before that didn't work and I didn't give the time to feel and work through them. I know I didn't work through them before, based on how this has been for me. I've decided that I'm going to let it all come out so that I can truly heal and move on with my life for good. I deserve to be happy and I need to bury this relationship for good. It wasn't good the first few times, and it sure isn't now. Let him be with his ex-wife.

All the advice truly helps, too. As far as the messenger thing, I'm still going with the idea that he did it by accident, whenever the thoughts try and creep in.

This site is therapeutic....

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Samantha.Leo

I don't know, I had to answer the phone. I knew it was him even though I deleted his number. We talked. He told me his feelings. I told him mine. He's still trying to work things out with his ex wife. I told him that I can respect that but I would not play second fiddle. He said he wanted to be friends. I told him that later down the road I might be ok with that but I don't know about being friends now. I told him that I never stopped loving him. He told me he loved me. I told him I loved him. I told him that I felt used. He told me that he wasn't using me, he wasn't trying to, that he had his stuff to work out and needed time which is why he hadn't contacted me. I don't know. I feel that I have answers now. I feel better. It's bittersweet. I mean I didn't expect anything, but I didn't want to be ignored. He told me to call him anytime. I asked him if he was sure, that I didn't want him to think I was being pushy. I don't know. I feel numb right now.

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Feel happy you talked and you opened up. He's a jerk but it's liberating, so feel happy about that. He was probably feeling guilty, so that's why he called. He knows you're a good person so he feels bad about using you. It means he has some consideration, friendly love for you. It DOESN'T mean he loves you as a man. He would never have done that to you if he did. You need to understand this.

 

You've had your closure and that's very good. Fill the emptyness with these thoughts.

 

Now please move forward and heal completely. He won't come back in your dreams when you do that :)

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Ok so you got your phone call...your "closure". Now if you decide to leave the lines of communication open on someone who is obviously so bad for you - you can expect more pain and confusion. I'm not trying to be harsh or cruel here, but this was a can of worms that should have never been reopened. Your post opens up with "worst choice ever for a boyfriend" and ends with him just getting out of prison. There's nothing in there anywhere that indicates this was a man who had changed for the better and was worth putting your heart at risk.

 

Please block all methods of contact and leave this guy where he belongs - in your past! You deserve much better.

 

Have you dated at all in the last 6 years? What's been going on with you during that time? There are much better options out there. You don't need this guy in your life. He is bad for you, even more so than he was 15 years ago.

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Samantha.Leo
He's a jerk but it's liberating, so feel happy about that. He was probably feeling guilty, so that's why he called. He knows you're a good person so he feels bad about using you. It means he has some consideration, friendly love for you. It DOESN'T mean he loves you as a man. He would never have done that to you if he did.

 

You've had your closure and that's very good. Fill the emptyness with these thoughts.

 

I keep coming back to this post to re-read the lines above, trying to convince my heart that this is how it is. My head gets it. My heart doesn't, at least not yet.

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Samantha.Leo
this was a can of worms that should have never been reopened. There's nothing in there anywhere that indicates this was a man who had changed for the better and was worth putting your heart at risk.

 

Have you dated at all in the last 6 years? What's been going on with you during that time? There are much better options out there. You don't need this guy in your life. He is bad for you, even more so than he was 15 years ago.

 

You are right, I should never have put myself out there like this. Nothing but his words indicated any type of change in him. But words are easy, they can be faked. I guess I just desperately wanted him to be different. We all want our happy ending.

 

I have not dated in the last 6 years, by my choice. I had a bad break up where I needed to find myself again. I feel like that time has something to do with these feelings. I'm also new in town and don't know anyone. A lot of changes in my life right now. I guess it just felt good to have something, someone familiar near me (we are from the same city). Thankfully he is 5 hours from me or this could be worse.

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Please don't think I'm coming down on you for this. I just hope you are able to see that this guy is no prize. Count yourself lucky to be rid of him!

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Samantha.Leo
Please don't think I'm coming down on you for this. I just hope you are able to see that this guy is no prize. Count yourself lucky to be rid of him!

 

Yes, he is no prize but I loved him despite his faults. I know you are just trying to give me some tough love here and I appreciate it, really I do. I'm working through this in my head. I have the waves of grief where I am knocked down wishing that things would work out and thinking about how much I love him. Then the waves of anger where I think to myself I could just stop contacting him and do all the things that I should to get him out of my life...what is stopping me?! Im angry at myself for falling for his BS again, 15 years after the fact! You would think I would have learned my lesson back then but oh no, I have to put myself through it again, for what, a chance that this jerk has changed?! Which obviously he has not. He is still the same selfish prick that I knew 15 years ago. Then waves of clarity where I know exactly what I need to do and say and wish I could say it all to his face and say goodbye completely.

 

This is exhausting and I know I'm doing it to myself. I just don't know how to stop.

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Samantha.Leo

I guess it's no contact because I haven't spoken to him since he called the other night. I haven't even texted him. I've been focusing on getting my head straight again. I've been working out every day, some days twice a day, just to get out of my own head. I think it's helping somewhat. I'm sleeping a little better at night, too. I'm not sure how tonight will be because he friended me on FB and liked a post of mine. I'm trying not to read into it but it's got me thinking again.

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