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Gf slept with someone else now wants to get back together


Panthers555

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Panthers555

Hey y'all,

My gf (24) and I (29) dated for 4 years. We had our ups and downs but nothing out of the ordinary of a normal relationship. She wanted to start settling down and get our own place together. At the time I was not ready, I'm the type that likes to have all his ducks in a row, everything comes in time. I never really talked about marriage or kids down the road like she did all the time, more less brushed it off, and she said it pushed her away. I always knew I loved her just didn't like talking about it for whatever reason.

Anyway, she started a night shift waitressing job and I work early mornings. We were barely seeing each other for about a month. We broke up and took about 5 months off. Well I just recently found out that she slept with this guy 3-4 times. I cannot get that out of my head. Someone else touching and making love to someone you thought was your forever. I'm not the type to go out to do the same, I could barely look at another girl during that 5 months. We met up for lunch twice in that period but I was mostly NC during this time. She recently look a trip to Cali to visit her best friend and I get a call how much she misses us, our friends, she was an idiot about things, swears to everything up and down I'm her forever if I take her back. Well, I did, and now I'm finding myself having a hard time trying to forget about this guy. I get all these disgusting images in my head that is on repeat. She said he's meant absolutely nothing to her and she said the point where she thought we were, we weren't going to back together, more less using him to try to move on. She said it wasn't even an option for her or a second thought when I said absolutely NC with this guy. I've talked to her about this and she's been very open and wants to do whatever to make things work again. I'm really trying to leave the past in the past because I do want things to workout, I love her more than anything. Is that wrong of me to think that way? Even tho she was free to do as she pleased when we were not together.

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Okay, you broke up, and she had sex with someone else. Nothing wrong with what she did, but you're having trouble dealing with it. Your feelings are legitimate, while unjustified. You're also finding out that the old cliche may be true: you don't know what you had until you lose it.

 

So, I'm not sure how you can deal with this easily. Counselling, perhaps. Whenever you notice yourself thinking about it, deliberately think of something else that is positive about her and your relationship.

 

Bottom line: if you can't let this go in a reasonable time, let her go, permanently. And if you can let this go, then - cliche time! - put a ring on it, and start talking about a family in a few years down the road.

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somanymistakes

If you guys were broken up then yeah, she didn't do anything wrong.

 

It's up to you to be able to get past it. I know it messes with your picture of what the perfect relationship with her should be like, but hopefully you know both that it's kind of unfair of you and that anyone new you meet will almost certainly have had lovers before you... so you're probably going to have to learn to set aside this kind of reaction if you want to have healthy relationships in the future.

 

As for whether getting back together with THIS girl is a good idea, that depends on whether both of you have actually changed the things that broke you up in the first place. Being apart a few months and then falling back together just because you're lonely isn't a particularly good sign IMO.

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I think you are cutting off your nose despite your face.

 

You admit you pushed her away. While you were broken up she engaged in a normal, healthy adult activity -- sex with a consenting adult partner.

 

The fact that you can't get this out of your head is your issue. But if you really can't get past it, stop trying. Tell her about this shortcoming of yours & let her go. You can't take her back & let it eat you up inside or take her back & somehow punish her, since she did nothing wrong.

 

Part of loving somebody is forgiving them. If you can't do that you don't have much love.

 

If you do get back together, do not speak about this again. The more Qs you ask the worse it will be for you to cope. Take her at her word that it was emotionally meaningless & you are the guy she loves.

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I am sorry but this is not going to work out well for you is it?

Not only do you have the issues that split you up in the first place but now you have the added issue of the mind movies you are experiencing regarding this other guy she slept with whilst you were still grieving the loss of your relationship.

In your mind it was a betrayal and that is not going to be easy to get over. SHE will want you now to commit to her as that was the main reason she left, and that is going to be very difficult for you to do, now that you do not see her in exactly the same way as you did before.

The fact she left and then slept with someone else will have shaken your trust in her, and sometimes trust once lost is very difficult to regain.

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You are having mind movies of her having sex with the other guy. I've noticed through these threads that married men who's wives have cheated say these movies of their wives having sex with the other man play over and over in their mind and a lot of them end up divorcing their wives even after reconciliation. So I am not surprised this is happening to you. I doubt you will get over this and considering your young age you should break up and let her go.

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Women often have a hard time relating to this type of thinking from a guy. Technically she did nothing wrong, blah blah blah. It's not even about jealousy, its the fact that some dude had his hands all over "your" girl (even when she wasn't yours); it almost feels like a violation.

 

It's quite possible that it was just her way of dealing with the breakup and he in fact did mean nothing. But if you can't get it out of your head that will be a big problem for you. Any time you kiss her you'll be thinking about him having his D in her mouth.

 

It's different if it was a guy before you met, but one after can really ruin a RL.

 

The only way you can feel better is if you were to have a common frame of reference by sleeping with another woman during the time you broke up and having it mean nothing. Then you would understand how sex can be devoid of feelings.

 

She sullied the relationship / reconciliation for you by running to another guy while you were apart. There is no easy way to get over that. But, the fact that she did get a chance to see what else is out there may prevent future questions. Most people say you want your ex to date / have sex before she comes back because now they know what's on the other side.

 

Tough one...

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You are having mind movies of her having sex with the other guy. I've noticed through these threads that married men who's wives have cheated say these movies of their wives having sex with the other man play over and over in their mind and a lot of them end up divorcing their wives even after reconciliation. So I am not surprised this is happening to you. I doubt you will get over this and considering your young age you should break up and let her go.

 

They weren't married, he refused to talk about the future, they broke up.

 

AFTER their relationship was OVER, she slept with someone else, which is perfectly fine, since she was SINGLE.

 

Doesn't really matter what's "normal" for a man...she didn't cheat. She didn't have some moral failing.

 

I get that you don't like it OP. That is normal. But it IS your problem. There is no infidelity for which she should pay or strive to "make you feel safe" or anything.

 

You'll just have to figure out if you can deal with it.

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Women often have a hard time relating to this type of thinking from a guy.

 

I don't actually think they do, if the roles were reversed and he slept with another woman whilst she remained "true" to the relationship, then she would also be upset over the thought of "her man" with his hands over some other woman too.

 

Here he valued the relationship so much that the thought of being with another women repulsed him, some women think that way too and are appalled that the man they thought was grieving as much as they were over the break up, was actually in another woman's bed as happy as Larry...

 

It is not really a gender thing at all, it is all about how individuals view the break up process and how they react to third party sex during the break-up.

Some are very pragmatic and are just happy they are back together, others will be deeply troubled and even if they do reconcile, may build up resentment going forward.

 

All this break up third party sex, is usually not a real issue, as reconciliation is never actually on the cards and despite noses being put out of joint sometimes, it is unreasonable for anyone to think they can control anyone's actions once the relationship is over.

It only became a problem here when they decided to give the relationship a second chance and what happened during the break up was thus revealed.

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You were together for a long time. She was clearly interested in getting married and making a commitment with you. You didn't like to talk about it so she got fed up being the only one seeing a future together and tried to move on. She met someone else - as one does - and tried a relationship with him. It sounds like she didn't really want a relationship with anyone else, but felt forced to look elsewhere because you did not appear to want a commitment with her. She didn't feel the same about him as she did for you.

 

Really, although you are struggling to put him out of your mind, what can you expect? She wanted to be with you all along and you pretty much ignored her hints. I think she did what any woman would do and try to move on to someone who does want a commitment.

 

You both went your separate ways for a while and now you are back together. You don't own her. She is her own person. You lost her for a while. If you still want her, then you are fortunate she still wants to be with you. I would look upon it as a time when you were both lost in the wilderness and have now found each other again.

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Not intending to be harsh.

I see it as the root problem is the personal insecurity of a 29 yr old man.

I view it as she did nothing wrong, nothing to answer or make up for.

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I don't actually think they do, if the roles were reversed and he slept with another woman whilst she remained "true" to the relationship, then she would also be upset over the thought of "her man" with his hands over some other woman too.

 

Here he valued the relationship so much that the thought of being with another women repulsed him, some women think that way too and are appalled that the man they thought was grieving as much as they were over the break up, was actually in another woman's bed as happy as Larry...

 

It is not really a gender thing at all, it is all about how individuals view the break up process and how they react to third party sex during the break-up.

Some are very pragmatic and are just happy they are back together, others will be deeply troubled and even if they do reconcile, may build up resentment going forward.

 

All this break up third party sex, is usually not a real issue, as reconciliation is never actually on the cards and despite noses being put out of joint sometimes, it is unreasonable for anyone to think they can control anyone's actions once the relationship is over.

It only became a problem here when they decided to give the relationship a second chance and what happened during the break up was thus revealed.

 

I disagree. In my experience women do not seem as affected by 3rd party sex (interesting terminology) as guys are. Often telling her the woman was terrible in bed is enough. For women I've seen it be more of an ego thing than a violation as a lot of guys feel.

 

I believe this leads into other facets of behavior like how many women are attracted to a guy BECAUSE he is with another girl / married. I've had many married friends tell me that wearing a ring was like a chick magnet. Even for me I notice a lot more girls looking at me when I'm with another girl. It's like they are thinking "I wonder what he's got that she likes so much".

 

Guys, on the other hand, aren't attracted more to women because they are with another guy. If you ask 100 women and 100 men if they would marry a virgin I bet a lot more men would say yes than women would.

 

Point is that the thought of your girl having sex with another guy is deeply offensive to most men. Women do not appear as bothered by it in my experience as long as they are made to feel they were superior. Guys don't want to hear anything about the encounter.

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I disagree. In my experience women do not seem as affected by 3rd party sex (interesting terminology) as guys are. Often telling her the woman was terrible in bed is enough. For women I've seen it be more of an ego thing than a violation as a lot of guys feel.

 

I believe this leads into other facets of behavior like how many women are attracted to a guy BECAUSE he is with another girl / married. I've had many married friends tell me that wearing a ring was like a chick magnet. Even for me I notice a lot more girls looking at me when I'm with another girl. It's like they are thinking "I wonder what he's got that she likes so much".

 

Guys, on the other hand, aren't attracted more to women because they are with another guy. If you ask 100 women and 100 men if they would marry a virgin I bet a lot more men would say yes than women would.

 

Point is that the thought of your girl having sex with another guy is deeply offensive to most men. Women do not appear as bothered by it in my experience as long as they are made to feel they were superior. Guys don't want to hear anything about the encounter.

 

I think you are well off base but what would I know as a mere woman...

Married men are chick magnets not because they are with another woman but because the woman wants to replace the wife. If you read the OW forums almost all are really fundamentally upset because he will not leave his wife for her. Most actually believe him when he says he sleeps in the guest room at home. Many would dump him forthwith if they had proof he was actually sleeping with his wife...

So many men are not "marriage material" nowadays, finding a suitable candidate who is already married, who is capable of making that commitment is seen by some to be half way to their dream.

Women are expected to put up with men seeing other women as society expects them to, it is seen as the "norm".

Doesn't mean they accept it or like it.

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Actually, I disagree, it is just as offensive to a woman if a guy she likes sleeps with someone else. I guess it affects some people worse than others though. In the OP's case, it sounds like neither had dated anyone else beforehand so the 'ground' of the relationship changed fundamentally when she did sleep with another guy. It seems some people have a stronger need to feel they are the only one ever than others do.

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I think you are well off base but what would I know as a mere woman...

Married men are chick magnets not because they are with another woman but because the woman wants to replace the wife. If you read the OW forums almost all are really fundamentally upset because he will not leave his wife for her. Most actually believe him when he says he sleeps in the guest room at home. Many would dump him forthwith if they had proof he was actually sleeping with his wife...

So many men are not "marriage material" nowadays, finding a suitable candidate who is already married, who is capable of making that commitment is seen by some to be half way to their dream.

Women are expected to put up with men seeing other women as society expects them to, it is seen as the "norm".

Doesn't mean they accept it or like it.

 

You prove my point exactly. Guys don't want to "replace" a boyfriend or husband and similarly there are less "marriage material" women nowadays.

 

Guys don't think like that. We don't look at a woman and find her more attractive because she is with another guy. The very thought of her cheating means she would not be a good gf / wife anyway.

 

In your other woman example, the woman is fine as long as she is selected over the wife (ego satisfaction).

 

To bring back to topic, most women are able to deal with a guy having sex outside of them better than most men. OP is a perfect example and not alone.

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the thought of your girl having sex with another guy is deeply offensive to most men

 

They broke up. She wasn't "his girl."

 

That's it. The end. His emotions may not agree....but that is HIS problem.

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They broke up. She wasn't "his girl."

 

That's it. The end. His emotions may not agree....but that is HIS problem.

 

Women often have a hard time relating to this type of thinking from a guy. Technically she did nothing wrong, blah blah blah. It's not even about jealousy, its the fact that some dude had his hands all over "your" girl (even when she wasn't yours); it almost feels like a violation.

 

Note my original reference. I purposely noted that to state that in the OP's mind she was still "his". This post is all about his emotions, not right and wrong.

 

Regardless of who's "problem" this is, it is a problem. Just because technically she did nothing wrong does not mean that a problem does not exist.

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Note my original reference. I purposely noted that to state that in the OP's mind she was still "his". This post is all about his emotions, not right and wrong.

 

Regardless of who's "problem" this is, it is a problem. Just because technically she did nothing wrong does not mean that a problem does not exist.

 

It does, however, make it pretty clear whose job it is to solve it....and it's not the girlfriend.

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It does, however, make it pretty clear whose job it is to solve it....and it's not the girlfriend.

 

She can't solve it unless she has a time machine....

 

That said, there is not necessarily a solution to the issue. This may never be "solvable" and the only course of action may be to break up with her.

 

Trying to put all the blame on him is incorrect. Because he has issue it means they BOTH have issue with it.

 

I'm sure if he could flip a magic switch and not be bothered he would.

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Whether we think the OP is being irrational about this or not, the fact remains he FEELS this way.

 

 

So in my mind he has 3 choices:

 

 

1. Get over it. (Easier said than done)

 

 

2. Break up / stay apart

 

 

3. Try to get back together, let it eat him up inside & make this bad situation even messier & uglier.

 

For him, I think he needs to pick #2 but he really should make an effort to pick #1. #3 is ridiculous.

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Whether we think the OP is being irrational about this or not, the fact remains he FEELS this way.

 

 

So in my mind he has 3 choices:

 

 

1. Get over it. (Easier said than done)

 

 

2. Break up / stay apart

 

 

3. Try to get back together, let it eat him up inside & make this bad situation even messier & uglier.

 

For him, I think he needs to pick #2 but he really should make an effort to pick #1. #3 is ridiculous.

 

Sadly, #3 is what most men pick, along with a side of punishing the woman whether passively or actively. I mean, just read the internet. Hopefully the OP is better than that.

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It's not a gender thing. Lots of women pick # 3 when faced with those choices. It's not fair. Forgive & forget OR give up but don't continue to make everybody even more miserable.

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Going by the title of this thread I was going to write a "hell no don't take her back"....and then I read the details of the story.

 

You were broken up, and broken up for 5 months. She is entitled to do what she wants. Meanwhile, her having sex with someone else--even if it is to "seek validation" or whatever, is normal behaviour for a 24-year-old woman with a sex drive who has options.

 

So while no one can tell you to get over it, we can say that she didn't really do anything wrong.

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somanymistakes

I think the bigger question is, does anyone know any helpful way to work on actually getting over it?

 

Because our context for mind movies is usually affairs, the forum tends to lean more in the direction of deciding that the relationship is permanently ruined. But if one DOES want to get past it, how do you go about it?

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I think the bigger question is, does anyone know any helpful way to work on actually getting over it?

 

Because our context for mind movies is usually affairs, the forum tends to lean more in the direction of deciding that the relationship is permanently ruined. But if one DOES want to get past it, how do you go about it?

 

I think the only way is just to put it out of his head. There is really no way to come to grips with it other than just not think about it.

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