on dating exes

[jerrygordon3]

So my last couple posts have been about I was dating melissa. Mother of two. She was great, marriage material, but had two kids. I had also been sort of trying to figure out if and how much I loved her and had mentioned I still thought of my ex. We did everything together. The only woman I've missed 6 months after a break up. Or still felt like I loved. I even miss ( Kaleigh) her kid. We spent two years together and she has/ had major trust issues because of her father and parents/ ex husband. The two years together were up and down and she eventually had me running for the hills. I left her and broke her heart but had good reason. We had both been stupid early on and ruined the trust and perpetually a very strong love... she has to date been the only girl I've ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But she has major trust issues!! After 6 months of realizing I still felt so strongly for her I finally decided I was 100% certain that it wasn't over for me. So I wrote her a letter to put on her car and sat on it for a month. I drove to where she usually parks at work and it wasn't there so I just left it in my glove compartment for another day... the next day. For the first time in 7-8 months I run into her at the gym. We both talked and laughed a little..

 

Now when I left this girl she was a mess. She had to change her number to keep herself from contacting me. She stayed in her room for days and weeks and her friends and family had to come over a lot. But I had to leave. We needed a new foundation without al the major resentment and stuff. But after a long while the resentment washed away and I realized how much I still felt for her.

 

In the letter I just confessed that we should have done things right and I was sorry etc. that I still loved her.

 

So. we're talking again!!!!! But of course she's super hesitant to say she misses me. We aren't together jerry we're just friends""... but we are talking. She's mentioned how hurt she was. That she's confused. That she doesn't know if she should be talking to me. She's short through texts. Now... I'm super confident. Very objective and can be careful in situations. But I'm feeling anxious and stressed. Which is dumb. Cause this is exactly how she should be acting. We are getting together maybe tomorrow. I think we are in a better place but I'm a little worried how slow to try and take it or how fast. We've been talking again three days lol. But I wasn't expecting to suddenly feel so vulnerable. I told her that I may end up coming off as more vulnerable than she is because the only way this will work is if I open myself up and show her I'm real. So that she can in turn open up to me right?

[BaileyB]

We spent two years together and she has/ had major trust issues because of her father and parents/ ex husband. The two years together were up and down and she eventually had me running for the hills. I left her and broke her heart but had good reason.

 

We had both been stupid early on and ruined the trust... she has to date been the only girl I've ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But she has major trust issues!!

 

So. we're talking again!!!!! But of course she's super hesitant to say she misses me. We aren't together jerry we're just friends""... but we are talking. She's mentioned how hurt she was. That she's confused. That she doesn't know if she should be talking to me. She's short through texts.

 

We've been talking again three days lol.

 

With all due respect, I don't think you know if you are coming, or going... Your posts are all over the place.

 

I think, relationships always look better with time and distance. We romanticize and forget the bad stuff... There is a reason why this woman is your ex. She has major trust issues - part of that could be that you left her? Why should she trust you now? And you, say that the relationship was up and down in one sentence, that you ran for the hills... And then say that she is the only woman you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with.

 

It's only been three days and by your own admission, she is hesitant, confused, wants to be friends, and short with you. I wouldn't get my hopes up if I was in your position... I think you have probably blown it with this girl and I'm not even sure what you had was a healthy relationship to begin...

[jerrygordon3]

She hasn't been dating at all. She has avoided relationships and has all this stuff going for her. She knows I left her because of things she did that were wrong. She hasn't healed as much because she loved me more than she could put in words. And after 6 months where she's avoided dating anyone, we already have plans to hang out tomorrow. I don't FEEL like I've blown it with her. She mentioned she has hard time trusting even other girlfriends and letting them in. ""

 

It wasn't healthy. At all. But if I've missed her for 6 months and her kid. Still dream of her. Still wonder...

 

She's hesitant I feel like because she might have vulnerability for me? I mean she wants to hang out and she's been talking to me everyday. She says she misses me a little but doesn't want me to get ahead of myself. She is a bit of a skeptic and always has struggled w near debilitating trust issues. This is why I got tired last time. But she was crazy about me. She begged me to marry her. To make it work. I was just done after a very long period where we went just arguing. We should have sought counseling. I just want my two girls ( her and her kid) back.

[jerrygordon3]

I do know that if I was pursuing a new girl or anyone else I wouldn't be worried or feeling anxious or vulnerable after 3 months especially not three days.

[BaileyB]

She knows I left her because of things she did that were wrong. She hasn't healed as much because she loved me more than she could put in words. She mentioned she has hard time trusting even other girlfriends and letting them in. ""

 

It wasn't healthy. At all.

 

This just sends chills down my neck, because it is so unhealthy... If I was her, I would run for the hills... But, if you insist, I will ask you a few questions...

 

What has she done since you were last together to deal with her trust issues and convince you that she is in a better place to have a healthy relationship?

 

How are the two of you going to do things differently such that the same unhealthy patterns don't continue - how are you going to develop trust, communicate differently, manage conflict?

[Gordonpalge]

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[jerrygordon3]

So- I'm now a nurse and in a very good focused, and determined place and am very independent.

 

She's focused more on her kid and not drinking anymore. She still works at her bar job but is opening a company that sells tequila with another who is already successful in the tequila business. She is obviously focused. She hasn't dated. However her trust issues have been an always with her. They were the issue the first time we dated.

 

Me. I came at her heart in hand and told her I want to do things differently where we focus on respect and I will pay for a counselor and if she needs to feel unecumbered to look at my

Phone I have nothing to hide and she can if she wants.

[jerrygordon3]

So I recently broke up w someone I wasn't too crazy about and then ran into my ex who I left because we fought a lot and she was really just kind of unhealthy when it came to trust. But I still have feelings for her and had started to forget the bad and remember the good. We ran into each other the other day and exchanged numbers. We had some really good conversations and she told me she missed me and she didn't know about us and she's scared etc but misses me and wants to see me. Here is where I remembered what she was like. Two days ago we were talking and she told me she is pregnant from someone she was seeing a month ago. Now she's getting an abortion. The fourth one since I've known her over three years and only one was mine. The next day she disappeared all day ( which I understand cause she's going through a lot). Then she calls me drunk af and starts laughing on the other end w her friend. She tells me all the guys in her life can **** off and me too. I asked her why she was acting out and she hung up on me. She called me this morning and said she was sorry but started reminding me that we aren't in a relationship etc. ( I only asked her to get coffee because I had still felt like we had something to salvage). Now she's being distant and told me I'm stressing her out cause I'm putting pressure on stuff. Honestly not what I was expecting and now just feeling like. Wow. Wtf is happening. All so familiar. When I left her a year ago she had to get a new number to keep herself away from me. She was crazy about me. But had issues with being faithful and would have episodes where she would lash out and curse or throw a huge thing and freak out on me. So I had to leave her after two years of this. I feel stupid right now. Really really stupid.

[umirano]

As a stranger on the Internet, she sounds like a lot of trouble. I strongly suggest to stay as far away as humanly possible from her. Go No Contact on her again. She needs help and you are not the right person to give it to her.

[PegNosePete]

So she is crazy, has trust issues, cheated on you, fought a lot, tells you to F off, has had 4 abortions, and you left her.

 

And you're wondering if you should date her again?

 

You need to cut this toxic person from your life, forever.

[SammySammy]

I'm not sure why you would want to be involved with this girl at all.

 

I tend to not date exes, but, if I did, the stakes would be higher. My standards and expectations for how I should be treated would be much higher than they were before. With very little room for error.

 

Why go back into the same situation you left? If she can't treat you better than that, what's the point?

 

And, this girl would fail early. She doesn't seem to be interested in treating anyone well. Including herself.

 

I'd move on. She's not worth it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This woman sounds like she has a lot of issues she needs to work out in her life before she could be a decent partner for someone else, including you.

[tetrahedral]

damn she must be hot

[kendahke]

So I recently broke up w someone I wasn't too crazy about and then ran into my ex who I left because we fought a lot and she was really just kind of unhealthy when it came to trust. But I still have feelings for her and had started to forget the bad and remember the good. We ran into each other the other day and exchanged numbers. We had some really good conversations and she told me she missed me and she didn't know about us and she's scared etc but misses me and wants to see me. Here is where I remembered what she was like. Two days ago we were talking and she told me she is pregnant from someone she was seeing a month ago. Now she's getting an abortion. The fourth one since I've known her over three years and only one was mine. The next day she disappeared all day ( which I understand cause she's going through a lot). Then she calls me drunk af and starts laughing on the other end w her friend. She tells me all the guys in her life can **** off and me too. I asked her why she was acting out and she hung up on me. She called me this morning and said she was sorry but started reminding me that we aren't in a relationship etc. ( I only asked her to get coffee because I had still felt like we had something to salvage). Now she's being distant and told me I'm stressing her out cause I'm putting pressure on stuff. Honestly not what I was expecting and now just feeling like. Wow. Wtf is happening. All so familiar. When I left her a year ago she had to get a new number to keep herself away from me. She was crazy about me. But had issues with being faithful and would have episodes where she would lash out and curse or throw a huge thing and freak out on me. So I had to leave her after two years of this. I feel stupid right now. Really really stupid.

 

This is why there's a good reason why ex's are ex's.

 

Unless they've gone they've gone through intensive therapy to correct the issues that drove you two apart, nothing has changed.

Edited August 3, 2017 by kendahke

[Bastile]

damn she must be hot

 

Pretty much. There's a reason guy's usually put up with crap. Often the sex is great (crazy people sex is usually awesome). Poon is a powerful drug.

 

One of the interesting things I found about my own escalating sexual dysfunction was how insecure it made women. And how much harder it made them work to try and hook me on the sex - like a dope fiend.

 

I tend to not date exes, but, if I did, the stakes would be higher. My standards and expectations for how I should be treated would be much higher than they were before. With very little room for error.

 

Aye, but the problem is that theirs are too.

 

You basically go skip the honeymoon/grace period that you get in the first 3 months of dating. Straight into lock-down mode.

 

It's not worth it.

 

Two days ago we were talking and she told me she is pregnant from someone she was seeing a month ago. Now she's getting an abortion.

 

Stopped there. Straight up dump.

[CptInsano]

So I recently broke up w someone I wasn't too crazy about and then ran into my ex who I left because we fought a lot and she was really just kind of unhealthy when it came to trust. But I still have feelings for her and had started to forget the bad and remember the good. We ran into each other the other day and exchanged numbers. We had some really good conversations and she told me she missed me and she didn't know about us and she's scared etc but misses me and wants to see me. Here is where I remembered what she was like. Two days ago we were talking and she told me she is pregnant from someone she was seeing a month ago. Now she's getting an abortion. The fourth one since I've known her over three years and only one was mine. The next day she disappeared all day ( which I understand cause she's going through a lot). Then she calls me drunk af and starts laughing on the other end w her friend. She tells me all the guys in her life can **** off and me too. I asked her why she was acting out and she hung up on me. She called me this morning and said she was sorry but started reminding me that we aren't in a relationship etc. ( I only asked her to get coffee because I had still felt like we had something to salvage). Now she's being distant and told me I'm stressing her out cause I'm putting pressure on stuff. Honestly not what I was expecting and now just feeling like. Wow. Wtf is happening. All so familiar. When I left her a year ago she had to get a new number to keep herself away from me. She was crazy about me. But had issues with being faithful and would have episodes where she would lash out and curse or throw a huge thing and freak out on me. So I had to leave her after two years of this. I feel stupid right now. Really really stupid.

 

This may be a hard lesson, but just because a woman is available, is crazy about you and misses you doesn't mean that you have to go for her. By your description this is/was a complete train wreck. Simply step away and don't look back.

[jerrygordon3]

Summary: toxic habits, saw each other everyday, best friends, but also the toughest woman I've had to deal with. She has commitment issues. We spent 2.5 years together and ended up leaving her for damn good reasons but in doing so hurt her and her daughter was involved too. Took a year. Now we are both killing it in life. We ran into each other at the gym after a year and I told her I missed her. Suddenly we are hanging out again. I'm so happy! But she is doing this thing she used to do- however I understand. We will start to have a moment and then she pulls back. We have a good day and then she confronts me suddenly out of the blue. " I can't be with you, I'm scared of you, you'll just leave again, I'm not ready to be with you, I am not ready to be in a relationship because I always get hurt, I'll say what I want I'm not gonna hold back". Essentially she ruins every moment. I'm patient. I talk her through it and see through her anxieties and let her come to them, deal with them, and then move forward. it's already a little stressful because I can see why I get stuck with her. She was my best friend in so many ways. But even after this space she hasn't forgiven me. How long do I wait? Last time I waited 6 months after a split for her to start acting like she wasn't a second from walking out the door. Then when I would finally have enough she would beg for me back. It went on for a year. Now a year later it feels so natural being with her. But the future is damn uncertain. I don't want to just give up and move on. I don't want to hurt her again. But she needs to make up her mind so that I can pursue other things or at least know eventually... eventually. That it's going somewhere. We've been talking again for two weeks. It hasn't been long I know, but I've told her that I see we are focused on healthy adult priorities at we don't have to be the same people we were to each other this time around. But for everything positive I say, she seems to have a rebuttal. It's tiring a little. The conversations though take up an hour plus sometimes. She's just having a hard time opening up so I'm taking things slow but she has a history of dragging her feet because she's terrified of getting hurt by anyone

[bummer]

" I can't be with you, I'm scared of you, you'll just leave again, I'm not ready to be with you, I am not ready to be in a relationship because I always get hurt, I'll say what I want I'm not gonna hold back". Essentially she ruins every moment... Then when I would finally have enough she would beg for me back.

 

Sorry Jerry, sounds like classic push-pull behavior. My ex sounds eerily the same.

 

So you've both grown up a bit, are killing it, but what's changed in her life to make her better than before? What does she want and what does she actually need? What does she articulate or show by action?

 

I see what you want, your post is very clear about it. Same things I wanted. Ask yourself, "why do I need to save her?" "Are the constant headgames worth this, if nothing ever improves in 6mo, 1yr, 10yr?" I'm curious of your answers.

[preraph]

You can't erase whatever happened. You just have to deal with the new reality.

[dumbass2]

I've read some of your past posts on this woman. I suggest you go back and read some of them. Unless I'm reading those incorrectly, I sense you're going to continue to pursued this despite what everyone will tell you, so I wish you the best of luck. You'll need it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why did you break up a year ago?

[jerrygordon3]

I've been dating someone off and on for three years-

 

It's always basically followed a pattern of extremely affectionate, loving, perfect.

 

Then out of nowhere. She'll tear apart what we are verbally. It's completely dependent on whatever is my insecurity at the time. Or something that she can control.

 

For instance for awhile it would be instagram. I liked someone's picture or added a fitness girl page. She would use this as an argument to make me chase her... or the love. Where she would attack using this as a platform and sometimes a few amazing days, and then... she'll say really destructive stuff like I can't be with you, I don't love you like I used to, I can't give you all of me anymore. And I'm left absolutely heartbroken. This happens frequently.

 

We broke up for a year. When I try and leave. I'm her god. Her savior. She will beg. Literally. To the ends of the earth. And I'll return. And then a few good days, then her words that totally steal the romance and security from me.

 

I left her for a year. Now that we are back together. One day- cold. I can't be with you. I don't care if you leave. ( she won't even look me in the eyes) and she can tell I'm broken up about what she's saying because just five minutes earlier ... I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here. The way she kisss me. Looks at me. I begin to fall. I open up. We have a moment. We bond. Things are going so well. Then she ****s all over it and I walk out of the house swearing I'll never go back. But then she texts. I miss you. I wish you weee here. Etc. and I'm weak for this woman. Now she doesn't call me names. She isn't abusive. We aren't seeing other people. But.. we walk a mile... and then fall back a mile. That sort of thing. It's exhausting and makes me feel bad about myself and who I am. And in my head I know it's because she loves me and she has a personality disorder. Sometimes I wish I was stronger... so that I could be like.. cool dude sorry you're having s moment and just shrug her destructive words off my shoulder and let her bounce back. Be herself. But every time.... it devastates me. Any advice would be legit af.

[Popsicle]

These kind of relationships are common. They are volatile and stormy. The highs are high and the lows are low and it becomes like an addiction. You have to just get out and never go back. Block her, delete her, get a restraining order...whatever it takes. Never go back.

 

You both need more stability and that won't come from each other.

 

And I know you can probably debate and talk about this forever but you just need to break up.

[BaileyB]

You broke up with this girl because the relationship was unhealthy.

Now, you are back together and guess what... The relationship is still unhealthy.

 

This relationship is not meant to be, sorry.

[elaine567]

For instance for awhile it would be instagram. I liked someone's picture or added a fitness girl page.

 

Why would you do that?

Women hate that sort of stuff.

YOU are a guy and you are adding some hot babe...

Why are you poking the bear and then "innocently" getting upset when she reacts???