Tracy.Pet Posted August 1, 2017 Share Posted August 1, 2017 Hello, I'm completely new here, but got tired of stalking this forum as a guest, haha. I hope someone can explain this to me. I broke up with my 2 years boyfriend, because he was lacking motivation and ambitions in his life. He does have a small part-time job, still lives with his parents but he seemed to lack motivation to do things he wants, also taking in consideration his mothers opinion (maybe a little too much even). Also, I was lacking that feeling of "a man" in a relationship, it seemed like I was carrying it all on my back - I work two jobs, rent a flat, I have plenty of stress... It felt like taking care of a child. The thing is, this was our first serious fight in two years. We were planning to move in together in the end of summer, but I was scared his parents will perceive me as someone who's using him (the flat is his and his family's). I wanted to move in together badly. But then my mother said after we visited, that she does not see any love in his eyes for me. And I was lacking affection too. We were sorta tired all the time, we met, had sex, cuddled, he was often staying over. Then I decided I had enough of a relationship I didnt feel in-depth feeling of. It seemed like we were just used to doing all these things. I decided to break it off, as I mentioned earlier. He was hurt. Unlike the other slight fights that we had, there was no "i will make you feel better", no commitment to making it work, it seemed like he didnt care. I didnt expect this reaction. He asked me to come and talk, it didnt solve anything. He went cold. I tried to get him back a few days later, crying, telling him I made a mistake. He was even colder. Then I pulled a NC and he started texting me casually. I started putting in effort, he brushed them off in a way, he wasnt budging to that at all. He slept with me and the next morning behaved like a complete douchebag and I felt used and hurt. I broke it off once again, completely no contact, he got back to me again. He was warm again, but then I was cold - just a horrible timing we had. After that, we mutually ended it, I was trying to get over him. And then he got back for real. He sent me a letter with the sweetest words I've ever heard, a real love letter. I was already missing him, so it was no question - we came back to each other. I love yous, sex, it was all back. A few days into this, he slept over at mine. I try to pleasure him in all the possible ways. He seems to get more and more distant by each day, while I'm clinging to him, say sweet stuff to him. He never seems to say I love you first. He is into physical contact right now, but he doesn't touch me too often, I kind of almost have to ask for his attention. When I try to explain that I lack affection, he goes "dont even start, you know that I love you, you are loved". I am completely lost. Did he get back to me because of sex? Am I too paranoid? He is distant, not completely cold, but I liked the way he treated me wayyy better before the breakup. I miss cuddling, sensitive touches, not just sex only. I wish it was just my paranoia, or maybe he just needs time?... should I take a step back and stop showering him with affection? I'm going crazy! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted August 1, 2017 Share Posted August 1, 2017 I broke up with my 2 years boyfriend, because he was lacking motivation and ambitions in his life. (This pissed him off BTW. That is one reason that he is cold.) Did he get back to me because of sex? Yes, he got back with you for the sex, and that is it. Here is the deal. First off, he is a man child. You love him and he loves screwing you and that is about all that you have going for you. He has wealthy enough parents for them to have a flat to rent, And they indulge him. Also, the reality is that some people are not affectionate for what ever reason. I personally don't get it but I have had this problem as well. And if a man is not feeling the relationship, he will also not be affectionate even then, if he knows how to be that way at all. So what you have is a man child, that is not affectionate and does not need that in his life. Why are you trying to stay with him? Why don't you find an actual grown man??? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 1, 2017 Share Posted August 1, 2017 If a man doesn't give you what you need. ..end it. Having been with him before, you know what he's like. Stop wasting your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tracy.Pet Posted August 2, 2017 Author Share Posted August 2, 2017 Yes, he got back with you for the sex, and that is it. Here is the deal. First off, he is a man child. You love him and he loves screwing you and that is about all that you have going for you. He has wealthy enough parents for them to have a flat to rent, And they indulge him. Also, the reality is that some people are not affectionate for what ever reason. I personally don't get it but I have had this problem as well. And if a man is not feeling the relationship, he will also not be affectionate even then, if he knows how to be that way at all. So what you have is a man child, that is not affectionate and does not need that in his life. Why are you trying to stay with him? Why don't you find an actual grown man??? I know that pissed him off, but hey, he started doing stuff in his life - trying to find things he likes. I know how down he can get because he thinks he is going nowhere and at the same time it demotivates him to go on searching for a thing he likes doing. He made some pretty serious decisions ever since then, like going for a second major and learning new things. He used to be affectionate at some point, it was just that when the troubles occured, it never seemed to be enough to me. I do understand a man can not just have it in himself and he asked me to teach him how to do these things, we were slowly improving that part, but ever since breakup it is all down the drain. He tells me he wants to reignite this, go on dates, yada yada. He wrote pretty romantic stuff in his "get me back" letter. Sigh, honestly, I do not know the answer myself, I just can't get over this man, even though I tried. I don't want to work on him my whole life, that is for sure. I don't know how to switch him back on. I do want to improve this relationship, but the more I think the more it seems it's just done and it's time to quit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 If his words (even just in his letter) and actions aren't aligned, then nothing he says means anything, and he is still too immature to change at this time. I have a really terrible thought, and I hope it's not correct, but I saw this happen on another thread once. Did he definitely write the letter? Someone once went back to her bf but put some of the letter she received begging for her back on the forum when the drama kept continuing because she didn't understand. Someone else recognized it... it had been straight copied and pasted from a template on google, which the original poster was able to find with a search. That reconciliation did not work out, and the guy was still as lazy as ever -- too lazy to even write his own heartfelt letter! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tracy.Pet Posted August 2, 2017 Author Share Posted August 2, 2017 If his words (even just in his letter) and actions aren't aligned, then nothing he says means anything, and he is still too immature to change at this time. I have a really terrible thought, and I hope it's not correct, but I saw this happen on another thread once. Did he definitely write the letter? Someone once went back to her bf but put some of the letter she received begging for her back on the forum when the drama kept continuing because she didn't understand. Someone else recognized it... it had been straight copied and pasted from a template on google, which the original poster was able to find with a search. That reconciliation did not work out, and the guy was still as lazy as ever -- too lazy to even write his own heartfelt letter! It seems like today he is finally showing some feeling. It almost hits the right note. I will continue observing and updating this thread, just in case I miss any important signals... but thank you for your insight. Haha, well, I am paranoid enough to check, it seems like he definitely wrote it himself. It is quite heavily personalized too. That is just a horrible thing to do, though... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 Ha ha, I really do hope the answer is no. I had no reason to assume otherwise, but it would sure help you make a firm decision! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tracy.Pet Posted August 2, 2017 Author Share Posted August 2, 2017 Ha ha, I really do hope the answer is no. I had no reason to assume otherwise, but it would sure help you make a firm decision! Thanks, I as well wish to make a firm decision... But I don't want to jump to conclusions too soon. Maybe he really just needs time, after all, it was me who hurt him. Link to post Share on other sites
Been Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 Maybe he is worried that you will break up with him again and he's holding back. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tracy.Pet Posted August 2, 2017 Author Share Posted August 2, 2017 Maybe he is worried that you will break up with him again and he's holding back. I'm disappointed I haven't thought of this earlier... That absolutely might be the reason. Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 It very well may be, but see if there's a way to ask him and talk about this instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt/making excuses. The hardest thing about getting back together is doing the work to make the relationship better than before -- so open, direct communication, and not assumptions, are very important. I hope it's getting better and working out Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tracy.Pet Posted August 21, 2017 Author Share Posted August 21, 2017 Okay, so, two or three weeks passed. He has been treating me better lately. Almost... too good, when he acts like it. It almost feels as if he's feeling guilty for something(cheating maybe? Idk) or forcing it. It's not a constant state and it annoys me, sometimes it seems like he REMEMBERS he has to show me some sort of affection and does something minorly cute, nothing too major. However, I feel unhappy. I don't feel any attraction to him, I often find myself spacing out and giving him a cold shoulder. Things started to annoy me, something like what he says. His parents, supposedly, hate me now because of the break up. My mother doesnt give a **** (my parents divorced long ago). I dont want anything from him, I don't want him to stay over, live together or just... nothing. It feels like I'm here for the sake of memories and attachment. It is still hard to think of letting him go. I know I probably have to. I feel miserable all the time... Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted August 21, 2017 Share Posted August 21, 2017 (edited) Yeah , think so , that and he thinks he feels a lot more because you broke up but as soon as your back it all starts to fizzle for him again but his forcing it. Tbh,you sound like you'd be a great partner and a good women but really , your wasted on him, sorry but that's how it seems. But even if you did live together , given the way he is with his mother you'd really wanna get out and away on your own together independently or he's never gonna man up. But hey , you've lost it anyway , get out of it l'd say. Good luck anyway though with whatever you decide. Edited August 21, 2017 by Chilli 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tracy.Pet Posted August 21, 2017 Author Share Posted August 21, 2017 Yeah , think so , that and he thinks he feels a lot more because you broke up but as soon as your back it all starts to fizzle for him again but his forcing it. Tbh,you sound like you'd be a great partner and a good women but really , your wasted on him, sorry but that's how it seems. But even if you did live together , given the way he is with his mother you'd really wanna get out and away on your own together independently or he's never gonna man up. But hey , you've lost it anyway , get out of it l'd say. Good luck anyway though with whatever you decide. Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot to me at this point. It doesn't even hurt when you're saying I've lost it anyway. I sometimes even feel like it should be this way. I will wait some more and just see how it goes, I want the separation to hurt him as least as possible and just let it happen naturally. In the end, it's all back to the reason I broke up with him in the beginning - he needs to man up. And maybe we just met at a wrong time of our lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 21, 2017 Share Posted August 21, 2017 Maybe he is worried that you will break up with him again and he's holding back. I'm so late to this thread but this ^^^^^ This is it. And there's nothing you can do to make things better. He'll continue to act distant, which you hate, and that will erode and destroy what love you have left for him. Then the relationship will end with you both questioning if you ever loved each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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