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Gf lied alot. .


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Me and my now ex gf where together 3 years. The best 3 years of my life so I thought. But recently I caught her in a lie. She said she was going out with a family member but found out she was with a friend i dont care for. When asked she denied until i showed proof that i knew. I dumped her upon her confession. Now the lies come pouring in and it has me so messed up. shes lied about alot to me about who shes been with i do have proof it was that girl but idk why she would lie about it. She says its because i would get mad. And she said she thought what i didn't know wouldn't hurt. Shes lied to me a ton and i have tried to muscle out and play hard to get and tell her im not coming back after these lies. Some friends say maybe shes being honest and wanted girl time but was worried what I would say. But the way the lies flow out I worry there's more. She has written me a confession if everything she has lied about and how she furthered her lies. Shes been through alot and put through the mental ringer. No mom and just recently lost her dad to suicide and has an uncurable disease... so idk if shes acting out bc if that and she may be a little messed up from everything or what. But she begs to have me back and swears she'll never do it again. But how do I know? I miss her and want her back but I want her to learn.. what do you guys think. And when i say lied I mean about almost everything recently. Also how will ik know if she truly regrets it and learned her lesson? Please help. Thanks.

Edited by Stress
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Grumpybutfun

It sounds as if you are controlling because you are jealous of her friend. It also sounds as if she lied due to insecurities which is prevalent with kids without good families. You are vague on lies, but I'm only seeing the initial lie and the lies to support that lie.

She needs to assert herself and tell you that her friends are none of your business, but since she didn't she lied to you. The basic answer would be that she shouldn't have lied and you are right to dump her. The more complex answer is that you are scaring her into lying because her childhood showed her how to acquiese to demands even if she felt comfortable. How committed are you? How much do you want to be with her or is she interchangeable due to shallow expectations?

You aren't right, but you aren't wrong. You are in a position to further a bond with her or to get rid of her. It is up to you.

Grumps

Edited by Grumpybutfun
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The friend she has been running around with is known to get around that was my concern with her. But maybe i was controlling but she has given me a long list of everything she lied to me about.

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Grumpybutfun

See my basic answer...

You want easy and that's ok. If she tells you lots of lies, you either are a controlling ass or she is a complete nut.

G

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Oh. But is it fixable my insecurities are through the roof now she could have just been honest and there would have been no problem it just scares me that she sneaks around with that friend.

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Grumpybutfun
Oh. But is it fixable my insecurities are through the roof now she could have just been honest and there would have been no problem it just scares me that she sneaks around with that friend.

 

Is that friend a guy she is having sex with? You are extremely vague. I'm not understanding how a friendship makes you feel so threatened.

Thanks,

G

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Its a girl that is a very bad influence and this girl always lies and does things behind her bfs back i just don't trust that friend. Maybe i over reacted before and scared her into hiding from me?

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Grumpybutfun

Honestly, it seems like a lot of drama. You know she lied and you think she is stupid and weak since you think her friends can change her. Therefore, find a strong woman who has integrity and honor who doesn't seek the council of idiots.

Don't waste time on immature people,

G

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ExpatInItaly

Not being able to trust her friend is one thing. Not being able to trust your girlfriend is another. It appears the problem is actually the latter.

 

Sure, it's crappy that this friend does shady things. But is your girlfriend that easily influenced that she would follow suit and behave the same way? If so, she's not ready for a mature relationship anyway.

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Oh. But is it fixable my insecurities are through the roof now she could have just been honest and there would have been no problem it just scares me that she sneaks around with that friend.

 

With the way you're talking about the friend, I truly doubt that the two of them hanging out together would have been no problem. I think your girlfriend's fears that you would have been mad are right on the money.

 

Anyway, as it seems you doubt your girlfriend's integrity when the two of them are together, it's probably best if you do let her go.

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Is there a chance she could learn and change? She texts me non stop begging and she cried and begged and she says she wont do it anymore and that she's learned but idk if I take the chance again if she will change or I'll just get hurt again. Thanks.

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She grew up without a mom. Her father just committed suicide & you dumped her after you found out she lied to you about her spending time with a female friend you don't like or trust. She should not have lied. She should have told you straight up that she was spending time with her friend & that if you didn't like it, you could lump it. I suspect you would have carried on, been dramatic & tried to forbid her from seeing this friend. You would have tried to set it up as a you or the friend choice. Because she didn't want to deal with your ultimatum nor did she want to lose you, she lied. I get where she is coming from. Do you?

 

 

But how do I know? I miss her and want her back but I want her to learn.. what do you guys think. Also how will ik know if she truly regrets it and learned her lesson? Please help. Thanks.

 

Is there a chance she could learn and change?

 

You want her to have learned a lesson. What lesson is that? I suspect you are hoping that she understands that lying has consequences but frankly what I think the agenda you are really pushing is that it's your way or the highway. Which is it?

 

You can't get back together until you two address the underlying problem, which is the amount of control you think you are entitled to assert over her life & her choice of friends. You are her BF, not her parent or her parole officer. You don't get to tell her who to spend time with. If you think she's making poor choices, you don't have to stick around, but that is your choice to leave.

 

Is there a compromise in here? Can you put up with the friend if she tells you when she will be spending time with her? Can the 3 of you hang out? Are you willing to try double dates with the friend & her BF?

 

This isn't as cut & dry as you want it to be.

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Ok. She lied about being alowed to drink with me. (Shes underage) she made upa story about how her guardian (her gma) ripped her and saidd how her brother stood up for her. She said that was all made up and a lie. She talked to another boy she says. She said it went nowhere. She then told me she cheated and that crushed me and she had details and everything. Then she said that was a lie and she just said that because that was what i wanted to hear... she always made fun of cheaters and she always made fun ofthe friend she has been with idk. Maybe it was all my fault. She drank behind my back with that friend and she always said that friend told her to go hit on boys and "go for it" and thay stuff scares me. But maybe its my fault and I overreacted? Also her fathers suicide was coming up on 3 years ago now. Sorry for not being specific. Also she said she knew she was gonna get introuble for drinking with me but she didn't care because "she wanted to no matter what her guardian said"

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With this newest info, she sounds like a handful. She is not particularly stable & there will probably always be drama. I doubt she will "learn" as you put it & you certainly can't teach her.

 

So the Q is do you want a lifetime of this or would you prefer to wish her well & cut your losses?

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Im sorry 2 years ago would be her fathers passing date.

I just do what to believe it scares me how to lies. She lies even to her family. I feel she played an act to me.... but idk and your right i did try to tell her not to hang out with that other girl. I just don't know what to think about everything else. But i miss her.

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I get that you miss her and that's normal, but I guarantee that if you try again you will not want her to go out with her friend and you will constantly wonder if she is lying to you and that is going to drive you crazy trying to verify if she is being honest. If you're controlling now, then you'll be twice as bad a second time around. Sorry, but with all she has going on I truly think it is best to let go of her and start fresh with someone else. Going back has a slim success rate anyway and all the lies worsens the chance of it ending well.

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  • 1 month later...

I have recently been forgiven by my Husband for lying and having a friendship with a guy that I have a small history with, but ended up platonic friends for years post fling and believe me when I say; I would never even consider cheating on my Husband, but for some reason I chose to hide my friendship, which made it seem like it was was the worst case scenerio.

 

Not only did I hide that I was close friends, but I also chose to meet up and hangout, which was immoral, stupid and a breech of my Husbands trust ... The thing is that I had no realisation that even though my intentions were pure; it was still wrong and it crushed my Husband when I told him what I had done without having in my mind anything other than the fact that I was not cheating, crushing or doing anything wrong.

 

I was selfish, because I valued the friendship and it was only that; a friendship to me. When it came down to having to make a choice to have one or the other, I chose my Husband, because my Husband is the man I love and I was truly just being selfish, naive and stupid.

 

I really messed up and he forgave me, but unlike your girl I never cheated nor will I ever in the entire context of time, which we shall say is probably infinite.

 

I also never lie and this was very out of my nature for me to do and I am more than happy to never talk to this guy again and do the right thing.

 

Just because I know I am loyal does not mean that he knows that or has the ability to fully believe it, no matter how much I've shown before hand that he is my only.

 

I will never be so selfish and naive again.

 

I almost lost the most important person in my life, because I never considered anything other than my rationale.

 

Never again.

 

Up until I read your list of dishoner she put you through, I was starting to relate, but it's women like her who made you feel so jealous, insecure and unable to believe integrity even exists.

 

Dump her, the pity complex and return to the person you were before you got these trust issues.

 

There is more to you and a story of why you are so frigid, but letting her back will be detrimental to a possible recovery of your ability to ever trust again.

 

Be wise.

Edited by Trip2TheSky
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