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Am I the dumper or the dumpee? [Ex contacted me after 3 months, omg!!!!]


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Am I the dumper or the dumpee?

 

Everything was fine, in fact more than fine, it was simply perfect.

We never argued, not even a wobble, lots of laughs, smiles cuddles, said he loved me, daily contact, he always spoke about the future. Although BF suffers anxiety and depression (more anxiety than depression) he told me he was happier than ever or had felt in years. I felt the same but was cautious not to move too fast so I left the majority of the contact to him, he usually always rang or messaged me first. I know all about NC and rules so applied them not as a game but as a way of protecting myself as I'd been hurt so badly in past relationships and didn't want to screw things up. I wasn't needy at at all, had time with friends and social events, theatre, lunch etc He said he admired how independent and successful a woman I was and at times even seemed to be in awe of the stuff I'd managed to achieve.

We spent EVERY weekend together and he was genuinely excited about us. However, 2 months ago after he excitedly made plans to go away for the weekend, (all booked and paid for by him) He lied and I found out. He told me he was meeting a friend Wednesday for a drink and catch up, I must add that this wouldn't have affect our plans as we didn't usually meet up through the week anyway, so why volunteer the information if he was up to something?

Long story short I bumped into the friend (the friend was supposed to be meeting)

 

I can only assume BF knew I'd bumped into his friend because he messaged me next day and asked if everything was okay?

But:

I didn't reply, I was too numb.

I wanted a face to face but did not want to initiate it.

I didn't call him, I wanted him to call me.

I figured if he had nothing to hide he would call me.

But there was nothing, all communication stopped between us.

A month later after NC I messaged him this

 

"I don't know what happened

and probably never will, but take care"

 

He didn't respond

 

I haven't contacted him since

I didn't loose my cool, didn't do the crazy thing

I went straight into NC

 

The question is, has he assumed I dumped him?

Or did he dump me?

 

It's driving me crazy now, because I have so many unanswered questions and under the circumstances, I really feel I absolutely cannot contact him.

 

Any thoughts, anyone please?

Edited by TamsinB
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Goodguy05
Am I the dumper or the dumpee?

 

Everything was fine, in fact more than fine, it was simply perfect.

We never argued, not even a wobble, lots of laughs, smiles cuddles, said he loved me, daily contact, he always spoke about the future. Although BF suffers anxiety and depression (more anxiety than depression) he told me he was happier than ever or had felt in years. I felt the same but was cautious not to move too fast so I left the majority of the contact to him, he usually always rang or messaged me first. I know all about NC and rules so applied them not as a game but as a way of protecting myself as I'd been hurt so badly in past relationships and didn't want to screw things up. I wasn't needy at at all, had time with friends and social events, theatre, lunch etc He said he admired how independent and successful a woman I was and at times even seemed to be in awe of the stuff I'd managed to achieve.

We spent EVERY weekend together and he was genuinely excited about us. However, 2 months ago after he excitedly made plans to go away for the weekend, (all booked and paid for by him) He lied and I found out. He told me he was meeting a friend Wednesday for a drink and catch up, I must add that this wouldn't have affect our plans as we didn't usually meet up through the week anyway, so why volunteer the information if he was up to something?

Long story short I bumped into the friend (the friend was supposed to be meeting)

 

I can only assume BF knew I'd bumped into his friend because he messaged me next day and asked if everything was okay?

But:

I didn't reply, I was too numb.

I wanted a face to face but did not want to initiate it.

I didn't call him, I wanted him to call me.

I figured if he had nothing to hide he would call me.

But there was nothing, all communication stopped between us.

A month later after NC I messaged him this

 

"I don't know what happened

and probably never will, but take care"

 

He didn't respond

 

I haven't contacted him since

I didn't loose my cool, didn't do the crazy thing

I went straight into NC

 

The question is, has he assumed I dumped him?

Or did he dump me?

 

It's driving me crazy now, because I have so many unanswered questions and under the circumstances, I really feel I absolutely cannot contact him.

 

Any thoughts, anyone please?

 

I think neither at this stage meaning it's an even playing field just giv each other space. I can tell u one thing u shld he aware of only because ivery seen how being hurt from the past can sabotage new relations that being protective of ur heart thing and putting a wall up is past baggage I know because I did somthing similar once it doesn't allow the other person to get close. In a relationship it's a risk but the only true way to be in a relationship is open and vulnerable otherwise u can't move passed the wall u build around ur heart make sense?

 

The lying thing I'm not sure wat that's all about though so I can't blame you for putting ur guard up in this instance. What I'm trying to say tho is sure have ur eyes open but don't let the past sabotage ur new relationship

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irresolute

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I guess he didn't have strong feelings for you after all, or his ego prevented him to try to explain to you what happened.

His attitude is suspicious. The fact he never reached out to you is very weird.

But your attitude is weird as well. I'd have called him to know what was going on.

The way you and him acted makes me think maybe this wasn't a serious relationship after all.

And I'm sorry this happened to you.

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Goodguy05

 

You're absolutely right about putting up the barriers and I was very aware of this and so made every effort to always message back when he contacted me, always returned calls, never left him hanging. Reciprocated the affection and supported him endlessly. So it's not that. I just feel that he might be mortified that he lied and got caught, can't face me, I'm also wondering if my message was may have come across as goodbye and good luck rather than reaching out and throwing him a lifeline to open up the lines of communication.

 

I just don't know what more I can do.

 

I feel it's not my place to be reaching out to him now and maybe with time he will crack and miss me enough to make contact :(

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Irresolute

 

Yes, my attitude could be considered weird, it's not what most people would've done. But consider this:

 

Can you imagine how I would have felt if I'd rang him and he didn't answer?

 

I'd be more crushed now than I already am.

NC has actually helped me cope

I feel I have my dignity intact because somehow, by default, I got my answer.

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irresolute
Irresolute

 

Yes, my attitude could be considered weird, it's not what most people would've done. But consider this:

 

Can you imagine how I would have felt if I'd rang him and he didn't answer?

 

I'd be more crushed now than I already am.

NC has actually helped me cope

I feel I have my dignity intact because somehow, by default, I got my answer.

 

I'm glad you feel that NC has helped you.

But again, if you two were close and your relationship was established, there must had been certain level of commitment and both parties cared for each other, right?

Then why you two acted so cold? I'd be crushed if I realized my significant other was lying to me, but I'd sure confront him to ask him for an explanation.

 

The way you both acted makes me think you didn't really care for each other.

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The sad fact is we BOTH fear rejection, we've had this discussion, his ex girlfriend cheated on him and he never quite got over it. He doesn't have a huge ego, not laddish at all, pretty reserved so it always amazed me how affectionate and romantic he was. Collectively this is why it all makes no sense.

I keep thinking he was too embarrassed to face me but am I just making excuses for him?

 

 

I know that being rumbled has stressed him out and he panicked but equally I'm consoling myself with the fact that a real man with integrity would've faced me and fought for me.

 

Also do you think the message I sent sounded like farewell?

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irresolute

Yes, you're just making excuses at this point.

You both acted weirdly. I think there's no way you can develop a meaningful relationship if you both are so guarded and fearful to get hurt.

 

Yes, you left no room for him to explain himself. You never asked, you just assumed something happened and wish him well.

And he never replied. How weird is that? Makes me think he never cared about you at all, not even to give you any explanation or calm you down.

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Okay, I respect your take on this and appreciate you taking the time to reply but where does this leave me in the NC rules.

Says

 

If you're the dumpee - you should NEVER contact your ex again

If you're the dumper - you should contact your ex IMMEDIATELY

 

It's stalemate

 

I adored this man, and to say he never cared just seems a bit harsh.

Who knows what he's thinking, he certainly doesn't know what I'm thinking or what I'm doing or going through

 

The original question is any thoughts on "Am I the dumper or the dumpee?"

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irresolute

I think it's all tangled.

He might felt he acted wrongly lying to you, but at the same time he did nothing to calm you down and that's a really bad sign. You wouldn't want to be with a man that's so careless.

Doesn't matter who the dumper was, he acted wrongly.

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I think he has issues, the depression doesn't help.

And lack of confidence is a huge contributor also have a few theories about why he lied.

 

- There might've been unfinished business with someone else

- Was out for an ego boost

- Felt inadequate, kept telling me I was amazing and "what do you see in me?"

- Can't believe you're my girl etc, etc.

 

I just hope this is a huge lesson to him and can seek some help for the low self esteem issues.

 

TBH I'd rather be the dumpee than the dumper and regret my decision at a later time.

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ainoviere

Seems to me like you're both afraid of rejection and acting fearful. BOTH need to be willing to be vulnerable and take the initiative for something to work. Doesn't sound like either of you are there.

 

It doesn't matter who was the dumper and the dumpee. Your last message may have confirmed the break up, but one month without contact doesn't make much of a relationship either. This basically fizzled out due to fear from both sides but at least both of you can walk away with your pride intact (he can say you two were broken up anyway and you can say you sending that last message did it).

 

If you want to salvage this anytime soon it seems like you'll need to approach him first. If you look at it from his perspective, he may be thinking that he sent that "are you ok" text and you sent that break up message, so the ball's in your court.

 

But if it's any consolation, unless you're BOTH willing to talk things out and be vulnerable I don't thing this would have worked out in the long term anyway. Both of you going silent and withdrawing over this matter shows you how both of you handle conflict (ie not very well). The difference between couples who make it and those who don't are that the former are able to face conflict and come out of it stronger than ever. This couldn't even last one misunderstanding.

Edited by ainoviere
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airborne3502

Something very similar just happened to me.

 

My ex told me happy I made her. She told me she spent the last three years feeling worthless, and that she felt the opposite when she was with me. She said she never felt so comfortable in someone else's space.

 

She's very insecure, with low self-esteem, and used to look at me and ask what I was doing with her. My reply was always the same,

 

"You know."

 

Our relationship moved fast, (only two months in all), but I was careful to match what she gave me emotionally, in order to protect myself and the relationship during the fragile, initial, stages.

 

We had a birthday getaway planned, and she asked me if a male friend could visit for the weekend. In hindsight, I should have said "hell no", but I trusted her. Like you, I figured she wouldn't tell me about it if she was up to no good. Long story short, what I think started out as an ego stroke escalated when I got jealous. Her behavior that weekend was suspect, and my negative reaction was inevitable. She got upset and we agreed to talk about things the next day. I contacted her at the agreed time to call, and she said she was busy running errands.

 

I was ready to leave it alone right then and there, but decided if we were going to talk, she could call me. She did, but it was to break up. No quarter given, none asked for by me.

 

Before I answer your question, let me say that I think you handled the situation perfectly. You went out like a boss, with your self-respect and dignity intact.

 

He lied to you and you didn't tolerate it, as you shouldn't. He owed you an explanation, or an apology and he gave neither.

 

You dumped him.

 

Deservedly so.

 

Was this a goodbye text?

 

"I don't know what happened and probably never will, but take care"

 

To me, no.

 

You opened the door to communication, and your ex didn't step through it. Any idiot can see you wanted answers. That would have been the opportunity to make the effort, and lift a finger if you truly mattered to him, or he missed you. He obviously felt there was no going back after what happened. You don't know how far things got with that girl, and sometimes there just isn't any going back after certain decisions. I think my ex crossed the line with her ex the night we argued, or sometime before I called her the next day.

 

That's my take on it anyway.

 

I'm better off without my ex in my life, and I think you are better off without your ex in yours.

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Goodguy05
Goodguy05

 

You're absolutely right about putting up the barriers and I was very aware of this and so made every effort to always message back when he contacted me, always returned calls, never left him hanging. Reciprocated the affection and supported him endlessly. So it's not that. I just feel that he might be mortified that he lied and got caught, can't face me, I'm also wondering if my message was may have come across as goodbye and good luck rather than reaching out and throwing him a lifeline to open up the lines of communication.

 

I just don't know what more I can do.

 

I feel it's not my place to be reaching out to him now and maybe with time he will crack and miss me enough to make contact :(

 

 

No he knows sweetie that u reached. The simple fact u messaged him is proof of that. Look at his actions no response as opposed to ures so he knows. I hope that clears it up for u dont be confused about ur message. Men can tell and and pick up the signs when u still wanna be wth them. And definatley it's not u that should be reaching out its him. He should be on bended knee trying to save the relationship from the breach of trust. Those breaches can do som damage as ur well aware in this situation. If he doesn't reach out then u know where he's heads at.

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Goodguy05

Btw I think it's still too early to tell who's dumper or dumpee but at this stage it appears he has a leg up

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Oh honey, he dumped you.

 

He did it because he was too much of a coward to deal with the fallout of his own actions. After you didn't reply to his "are you, ok?" message he knew he had ****ed up big time. He just couldn't deal with his own guilt about it and wasn't prepared to face your wrath on top of it so he completely exited the relationship.

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Hey Airbourne

 

That's so rough, thanks for sharing, so sorry this has happened to you also, it's great to get another perspective from someone in very similar situation. What is interesting here and screaming out at me now is the fact that they both have issues and people with issues are not capable of real love or conventional relationships, so they have sabotaged rather than meet the expectations.

They are reckless, irresponsible and self loathing, they regret what they've done but repeat the cycle. Will always be the same with anyone they meet.

Don't be surprised if she tries to make a come back, she was with her 'ex' so there's your evidence but don't expect a heartfelt apology, these people aren't capable of that, they don't have the integrity, they can't be trust because they don't even trust their own judgement. I've seen mine cry and shake with anxiety over self induced matters and then fall into a deep depression, I felt sorry for him and would've moved heaven and earth to help him. He knows that and knows how unlikely it is he will ever find anyone else so understanding.

 

Well never fully understand what they did it, because it's beyond the understandings of a normal functioning brain to comprehend but I do know that for every action there's a reaction and at some point in time there's a price to pay. The pain you feel now is gift, go through the barriers, embrace it and reap the rewards when you emerge from it out on the other side.

 

Good luck my friend, you don't deserve this and I wish you well

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Goodguy

 

Watch this space, I really do feel there'll be more to this saga.

The delayed, calm and measured response was to make him look at little harder at himself. It wasn't for him, it was for me and to demonstrate what he'd lost.

Can't do the screaming banshee thing, it's what he'd expect but it's just not my style. Initially he'll see it as an ego stroke but as time goes by,

"the silence gets louder"

Edited by TamsinB
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airborne3502

Thank you for the kind words, TamsinB.

 

I've seen mine cry and shake with anxiety over self induced matters and then fall into a deep depression, I felt sorry for him and would've moved heaven and earth to help him.

 

 

You're a badass given the strength and metal toughness you've shown throughout your breakup. You really don't deserve to be saddled with someone that falls to pieces like that.

 

I see you with someone of equal grit. Someone that has your back. That way, the two of you can take on life's difficulties like Marvel superheroes, and punch them square in the mouth.

 

Together.

 

I noticed you are a nurse. You're exactly the type of person I would want around in a crisis. Not to carry me, but to help me carry others.

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Ex contacted me today (by text) with this

 

"I miss you so much"

 

How the hell do I respond? ? Feeling the pressure to respond but trying to remain calm

 

Ps. Many thanks Airborne for your fab response, hope you're ok ?

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airborne3502

You're welcome.

 

I'm surprised you haven't had any responses to your exciting news yet!

 

This is what (most) everyone on here hopes for.

 

Most on here would call that message a breadcrumb.

 

At this point you need to decide if you want answers, to pick things up with this man, or leave things alone.

 

I don't think you should be in a hurry to make any decisions although I know your mind is racing right now.

 

You have adequate time to gather your thoughts about the situation.

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You're welcome.

 

I'm surprised you haven't had any responses to your exciting news yet!

 

This is what (most) everyone on here hopes for.

 

Most on here would call that message a breadcrumb.

 

At this point you need to decide if you want answers, to pick things up with this man, or leave things alone.

 

I don't think you should be in a hurry to make any decisions although I know your mind is racing right now.

 

You have adequate time to gather your thoughts about the situation.

 

I'm surprised too as I thought it would give others hope and to me its massif.

I was always thinking if he was to ever get in contact again it would only be a simple, meak "how are things?" But to say

 

"I MISS YOU SO MUCH"

 

is literally soul-bearing and way too vulnerable for someone like him. I can't really believe it!

 

I do want answers but I want to sit on it a while as im not ready to respond.

I'm also quite apprehensive about picking things up with someone like him and his problems then possibly reliving the hell and heartache I've experienced in the last few months.

 

Also I've been starting to feel slightly better recently, happy in the knowledge that I didn't chase him, knowing my worth and knowing that at some point, somewhere within the silence he would reflect and mourn for what he's lost.

 

Maybe I was the dumper after all?

 

Maybe that is the way he sees it as my last message to him did sound very much like farewell, according to my friends.

 

 

LAST MESSAGE:

"I don't know what happened and probably never will but take care"

Edited by TamsinB
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My story is in break up threads under header

 

Am I the dumper or dumpee?

 

Suffice to say I'm in complete shock!!! Still haven't responded though

 

Just wanted to share to give you guys some hope and strengthen your resolve in the lonely NC journey we have all suffered/suffering.

I'm SO SURE this wouldn't have happened if I'd chased him or continued to contact him even for the answers I needed.

 

Stay strong everyone!!!

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My story is in break up threads under header

 

Am I the dumper or dumpee?

 

Suffice to say I'm in complete shock!!! Still haven't responded though

 

Just wanted to share to give you guys some hope and strengthen your resolve in the lonely NC journey we have all suffered/suffering.

I'm SO SURE this wouldn't have happened if I'd chased him or continued to contact him even for the answers I needed.

 

Stay strong everyone!!!

 

I'm not sure I understand what your emphasis is here . . .

 

You were in NO CONTACT with the idea that that would bring him back around to you?

 

NO CONTACT is not a tool for getting an ex back, it is a tool for moving on. Nine times out of ten, they do come back around, sometimes to attempt reconciliation, sometimes just to boost their ego to see if you're still "there", sometimes it's because they need an emotional tampon because their other options didn't work out but don't want to reconcile and sometimes they're just horny.

 

Stay NO CONTACT. The danger of reopening your wounds is more likely than having this all be some kind of fairy tale resurrection of a relationship. This is the real test of your resolve . . . no matter what.

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