Life seems so much clearer, could I make my previous relationship function?

[maxrebo]

So I broke up with my last gf over a year ago story is herehttp://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/579987-shadow

 

maybe 7 months after the break up, she breaks NC, asks me to contact her. I freak out, I'm just getting a handle on my break-up grief and starting to see a psychiatrist to address some deeper dysfunction I felt contributed to our break up, but I contact ex anyway. She claims she just wanted to get some closure, but says she misses me, has dated others, but doesn't like any as much me...so I ask if she'd like to hang out again. She does, she really wants to see me. we arrange something, but it doesn't feel right.

 

I begin wellbutrin and citalopram. I see her 3 times over the course of two months, they were all nice reunions(the last one ended badly however), but I felt really numb with drugs throughout that period. On the last reunion date I wasn't on any anti-depressants because I was getting some really bad reactions and my doc told me to stop. so when I saw my ex for the last reunion date I was really out of it and going through withdrawals. I told her about all the psychiatry stuff. anyway that final date was nice, but we got into an argument...about her veganism which is something I glossed over in my original thread, but that dietary choice had put a lot of strain on me the FIRST time we were a couple. It's not the diet itself, but I think it illustrates a bigger problem which was...I was paying for all her food(vegan cuisine is expensive), I was trying listen to her talk the lifestyles up and I used to try to cook her vegan dishes(it's cheap but time consuming and I was short on time between taking care of her and working my crappy job), but essentially I was doing a lot of things for "us" while she was just doing her own thing(veganism in this specific case). I feel like She would show me a lot of verbal love and affection, but the sort of thougthfulness and investment I expected from her(given that this was a serious relationship) wasn't there for me like it was for her. I grew resentful and she could sense that and she didn't understand.

 

this is where my dysfunction hurt me. I suffer from severe social anxiety, I feel so much dread communicating my thoughts and emotions and it caused me to break down and cry when she would confront me about anything. That dysfunction is part of what made me cry, but there's another angle that added to the tears: she has a bad tempter, she's not terribly patient, she has trust issues ,so she'd scold me and scolding is the exact opposite of the usual verbal love and affection that'd she give me. That's all i had from her, I centered my life around that and she was taking that away when she would scold me and I felt like I was losing everything in those instances hence why I'd shut down and cry.

 

anyway like I said, our last reunion date ended badly. I spent the entire day with her, tried taking her to a vegan restaurant that I heard great things about. took us forever to find the place. The vegan thing is kind of negative thing for me, but I see that it's important to her so I tried to respect it and support her because I care for her. After we eat it's like 1am we're in my car just talking eventually she asks what I usually eat, I start..."two eggs for breakfast.." she immediately starts lecturing me about how unhealthy eggs are. I tell her veganism isn't my thing I tell her why(I told her this before) and she goes on a rant about why it's important to her and I feel the same feelings from when were first were a couple: where I try to be supportive, but she make me feel like it's not enough and she doesn't support or respect my POV. We're both irritated now, she apologizes for something in the past(hanging out with her friends too much), which was a non issue for me, I tell her that I didn't care about that stuff, she then goes "well what was wrong all this time, you don't like to talk, how can I fix my problem if I don't know what it is?" my tears begin to come out. I can't articulate how unfair I feel our dynamic was and apparently still is at that moment. All I can say is "It feels like what I say doesn't matter." which in retrospect isn't quite right. I take her home. I never call her back and she never calls me back. It's 7 months later now and I feel like my meds are working right now. that dread I felt when talking to people is gone, I'm not depressed, I'm more focused and I can express myself. and now I think I've fixed my problem...could I try again with my ex? now that I can communicate can I tell her everything and try to be with her? will she fix her neglectfulness now that I can point it out? A lot of the stuff I feel she's bad at seems like obvious relationship stuff and she's had a lot of bad relationship, so part of me thinks she really struggles with some basic stuff. I'm also scared she's moved on, but if she said so I think I'd be okay... she's still super into vegan stuff, which i can't stand, but if she can understand my limit is my own diet and my opinion on the subject, then I'll continue to respect and support her choice to live that lifestyle

[basil67]

In short, the answer is No.

 

For a relationship to work, you need to accept a person as they are. But for her to be the right girl for you, it looks like she has to change quite a number of things. This all means she's not the right girl for you.

 

Ask yourself this question: Why would a person come back to an old relationship knowing that the partner still wants them to change? Also, you still have significant issues with the vegan thing, but this is very important to her. It's her lifestyle. She needs someone who truly gets it....not someone who "can't stand" the very thing which she's passionate about.

 

Get yourself a new girl. One who's not a vegan and who doesn't leave you feeling neglected. One who doesn't doesn't have a temper and one who doesn't push her opinions. One who you can accept and love for who she is.

[d0nnivain]

No your new found understanding doesn't change the fact that she is still doing all sorts of things that made you unhappy the first time around. She is not going to stop being a vegan or harping on you for not being one. Going back there is simply repeating the same mistake.

 

 

It's also been 7 months. She no longer wants to hear from you.

 

 

Your path is forward, toward a woman who will be patient with your anxieties & who will make you eggs for breakfast.

[maxrebo]

 

 

Ask yourself this question: Why would a person come back to an old relationship knowing that the partner still wants them to change? Also, you still have significant issues with the vegan thing, but this is very important to her. It's her lifestyle. She needs someone who truly gets it....not someone who "can't stand" the very thing which she's passionate about.

 

.

Who is expecting who to change? I never in a million years would think I could convince her to changing her ways in regards to veganism. When she tried to reconcile with me she told me "even if you ate meat I'd still love you." And I told her "maybe you'd better off with someone that shared your belief?" But she insisted that she didn't expect me to do what she was doing. her just eating plant based stuff doesn't bother me, buts it's more her rationale for doing so. It's a very moral thing for her. Animal welfare and environemental degradation are her reasons. I completely understand that and know it's compelling stuff(I watched earthlings and cowspiracy) but i know most people are aware about how gross factory farming is and most people consume animal products anyway. There's this cognitive dissonance That goes deeper than meat(look at politics, race relations, sex relations, imported consumer goods, etc,) and I feel like the more radical vegan stuff, which she's into, stops short of dealing with that deeper problem. when I told her this it sorta went over her head. I sorta feel like it's a more self affirming thing rather than an effective plan of action that'd produce huge material change in the world as she claims. It's not like I don't get it thoug, I was vegetarian up until a couple months ago, I was there when she discovered veganism(and she cites me as the reason she's vegan today) theres still a lot of things we share in common and its fun when we'd hang out, and I'd like to think I accept her, the good and the bad. I thought since I can represent myself better I can make it clear what boundaries there are, we don't have to change but there are boundaries. It you know maybe that's not enough. I would like to have a deeper mental connection with someone

Edited April 29, 2017 by maxrebo

[Blanco]

Who is expecting who to change? I never in a million years would think I could convince her to changing her ways in regards to veganism.

 

I don't think she was talking about you trying to change your ex. I think she was talking about your ex trying to change you. The last time you saw her, she lectured you because you had eggs for breakfast. I'm not sure why you think just because you've got yourself more together now she would be any more capable of staying off her soapbox.

[maxrebo]

I don't think she was talking about you trying to change your ex. I think she was talking about your ex trying to change you. The last time you saw her, she lectured you because you had eggs for breakfast. I'm not sure why you think just because you've got yourself more together now she would be any more capable of staying off her soapbox.

oh, yeah I can see that. That's a huge worry for me honestly. Verbally she'd say "tell me how to be." and it felt like a way for her to shrug responsibility, but like I also said, I couldn't communicate then to her what I wanted to communicate so I don't know for sure...however when she would talk about her old relatioships she'd express frustration about how her ex(s?) would not tell her what was wrong, and I know nothing about the specifics, but it makes me think she just has trouble owning up to her own mistakes. so I don't know if she really means she'll listen or if it's a ploy. and now I'm thinking it's not worth the hassle of finding out.

Edited April 29, 2017 by maxrebo

[Blanco]

People who control and manipulate others don't do so because their targets don't properly communicate that they don't want to be controlled and manipulated.

[basil67]

will she fix her neglectfulness now that I can point it out? A lot of the stuff I feel she's bad at seems like obvious relationship stuff and she's had a lot of bad relationship, so part of me thinks she really struggles with some basic stuff. I'm also scared she's moved on, but if she said so I think I'd be okay... she's still super into vegan stuff, which i can't stand, but if she can understand my limit is my own diet and my opinion on the subject, then I'll continue to respect and support her choice to live that lifestyle

 

I was talking about you changing her. Will she fix her neglectfulness? And I also assume you'd be wanting her to address 'a lot of the stuff you feel she's bad at'. Don't go asking someone to return if you expect them to fix themselves.

 

And there's still the issue that you 'can't stand' her veganism. I believe the 'can't stand' and 'respect' are a contradiction in terms. As she's so passionate, I think she will want someone who actually embraces the idea.

[maxrebo]

I was talking about you changing her. Will she fix her neglectfulness? And I also assume you'd be wanting her to address 'a lot of the stuff you feel she's bad at'. Don't go asking someone to return if you expect them to fix themselves.

 

And there's still the issue that you 'can't stand' her veganism. I believe the 'can't stand' and 'respect' are a contradiction in terms. As she's so passionate, I think she will want someone who actually embraces the idea.

Yeah but that's what I'm wondering? I was kind of void the first time around. I sort of let her do all the talking simply because I dreaded expressing myself. In a sense...she talked...I acted...I couldn't talk...she couldn't act. I feel so liberated now though.

 

also the vegan stuff, I'm sure she would love a vegan partner(that also does the things I did for her), but it's not everything. I love video games, but I wouldn't date any of the girls that play video games that I know(just cuz there's lot of nuances within the community). This "can't stand" was just (probably a bad choice)short hand for my nuanced opinion on the topic. I stated I know why it's compelling, It still compelling to a point, Factory farming is a wasteful and violent dynamic and if someone feels like they have to omit themselves from that, I totally encourage them to do so. I support it wholeheartedly. but stats are 2% of the US population are vegan/vegetarian and there's an 84% retention rate. If this is about being a contingent movement that creates measurable change, it's not getting anywhere with those numbers. This stuff is not addressed and gets shut out in the media she follows and I just feel like a movement should discuss these things. In short I disagree with the popular tactics, but we can have our alone time and we can share our commonality. There's some anger about veganism but that comes from when we first broke up it just felt like she was focusing too much on the lifestyle when I was struggling to keep our relationship going and I'm thinking maybe that's my fault for being unable to convey this. She could see I was distressed but just sort of jumped to some bad conclusions because I couldn't adequately explain myself then. She has some trust issues, she felt some guilt and I had a hard time being sensitive to that because I was struggling with myself. At that time maybe I needed someone more sensitive too, but I think I'm coming together much better now.

 

@blanco yeah I had thoughts that there was some manipulation back when I was a broken person, but I feel like maybe I was just bad at this relationship. idk i'm going to try to see my therapist next week or the week after and go over all this with him before I act. I worry time isn't on my side, but if I miss my chance i think I can move on...

Edited April 30, 2017 by maxrebo

[basil67]

Yeah but that's what I'm wondering? I was kind of void the first time around. I sort of let her do all the talking simply because I dreaded expressing myself. In a sense...she talked...I acted...I couldn't talk...she couldn't act. I feel so liberated now though.

 

also the vegan stuff, I'm sure she would love a vegan partner(that also does the things I did for her), but it's not everything. I love video games, but I wouldn't date any of the girls that play video games that I know(just cuz there's lot of nuances within the community). This "can't stand" was just (probably a bad choice)short hand for my nuanced opinion on the topic. I stated I know why it's compelling, It still compelling to a point, Factory farming is a wasteful and violent dynamic and if someone feels like they have to omit themselves from that, I totally encourage them to do so. I support it wholeheartedly. but stats are 2% of the US population are vegan/vegetarian and there's an 84% retention rate. If this is about being a contingent movement that creates measurable change, it's not getting anywhere with those numbers. This stuff is not addressed and gets shut out in the media she follows and I just feel like a movement should discuss these things. In short I disagree with the popular tactics, but we can have our alone time and we can share our commonality. There's some anger about veganism but that comes from when we first broke up it just felt like she was focusing too much on the lifestyle when I was struggling to keep our relationship going and I'm thinking maybe that's my fault for being unable to convey this. She could see I was distressed but just sort of jumped to some bad conclusions because I couldn't adequately explain myself then. She has some trust issues, she felt some guilt and I had a hard time being sensitive to that because I was struggling with myself. At that time maybe I needed someone more sensitive too, but I think I'm coming together much better now.

.

 

I still think it's not a wise choice, but it's your choice not mine.

 

Is there any reason to believe she'd be interested in coming back to you?

[maxrebo]

I still think it's not a wise choice, but it's your choice not mine.

 

Is there any reason to believe she'd be interested in coming back to you?

 

That's a good question. I feel like we live life at a similar pace. Dating's hard for people like us in this area. We don't have much of future if we stay here. My long term goal is to move far away in the next couple years and I think she'd be interested in doing something similar and that's easier if you have another person. I feel like I was pretty dedicated. realistically I can't say for sure that she would have a reason. all i know is she attempted to get back with me when I didn't feel ready and stuff went bad, but I told her I was trying to fix my issues and I tried calling reconciliation off "I feel like we shoudldn't see each other rn" and she started crying saying "you're breaking my heart" and so I was like "alright lets try this." and my feelings were right. I was so broken during that period( and long before that) I needed to focus on myself, so you know we fought and stopped talking without much explanation. Idk if she would be understanding of my situation or if she'd have any reason.

[RocketQueen]

I would just keep working on yourself. If you can identify that you're feeling a lot better that's great but I think you're feeling better better alone.

 

For all the good you might have been together I think there are some very fundamental differences that are best left alone.

 

Reading your posts, for it to truly work, one or both of you would need to make lots of changes, neither of you seem to be particularly bad and I think you could both find someone more suited without having to change your beliefs or passions in life.

 

Good luck

[maxrebo]

I've been finding a lot of peace in solitude, but would just apologizing be out of bounds?

[Blanco]

No, but it sounds unnecessary. Let the past be the past.