I was just a rebound? Can I ever get back with her?

[Blinksy]

So, let's begin. There is this girl that is my best friend's sister, and I know her for as long as I know him (like 15 years or so). We havent been in touch too much these years since she is almost 2 years older than me but since december last year we started to hang out either with her brother or just the 2 of us and we were having so much fun. She was in a relationship witha guy for 2 years and (atleast from my point of view) that was a disaster relationship. Like, he was coming home drunk almost every night and they were sleeping in different rooms only to sleep togheter wvery week or so but she said it was ok since he had good times every now and then. Then the relationship started to die to the point that she preffered to spend the new year with me, her brother and some friends and without him. Then I found out they broke up in january and something started to grow on me. I had some feelings for her before but I thought she'd never look at me as a boyfriend ever. Then we started to hang out more and more to the point where for like a week she kept calling me to come at her place and watch movies or so. Then one day she called me asking if I can fix her laptop, and I said yes. I picked her up from the work, went to her place, and fixed the laptop that took 30 minutes to do it. Then I wanted to go home but she insisted to stay and watch some movies so I stayed till 11PM or so (almost 9 hours or so). Then the next day same thing happend.. "wanna come watch some movies and ****?". And so we began to make out and she told me she had a crush for me since the new year party but recently it started to grow on her. anyways all was good for the next days until we realized that we have to tell her brother (my best friend) and how he would react to that. After a few more days we finaly told him, he was not so happy about it but she was so stubborn that she told him that no matter what he says or if they fight she will stay with me (she loves her brother and she is always doing everything to please him). Anyways things were fun and everything was perfect to the point she was begging me to come home to stay with her and she was telling me that she really loves me. On the other hand the sex life was even better ro the point she told me I was the best partener that she had. Anyways, as I said all was fun and love and **** but one day I found some messages on her facebook with her ex and she was telling him that she looks for him in every man and she was asking if he could reverse time if he'd want to be like in the beginning. I got really upset and confronted her about that and she said it was nothing and it was just to make him feel good. Prior to that she tried to get back with him but it didnt worked and everything ended up in a big fight. So I was like "if you still have feelings and want to go back to him just tell me and I will walk away since I dont want neither you or me to get hurt or unhappy" but she said it's all good and she wants me. We spent a lot of time together and with her family and spent the Easter with her family too. But out of nowhere she told me one night that she's not very sure about her feeling and she doesnt know if she can love me as much as I love her and she needs some time alone to think about it. So I gave her some time to think and she came to the conclusion that I'm imature emotionally and sometimes imature in general and she doesnt want to hurt me because she cares about me and it's her fault that she's broken and that I didnt do anything wrong but she wanted to break up. All of this hit me like a ton of bricks because 2 days before this everything was ok and she wanted to cuddle and **** and spend time with me. I forgot to mention that I'm 23 and she's 25, and her "mature" ex was like 34 or something and we've been together for 2 months. Now I really attached to her and I can say I started to love her and we've been talking about a future together and that we came to an age where we need to think about long term relationship and she wanted this with me.One last mention, she told me many times that if she falls in love with me she'll panic and walk away. So now comes my question, I was just a meaningless rebound and she probably got back with her ex without telling me or it was really something but she doesnt want to get more attached?

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, you were most definitely a rebound.

 

I'm sure she was attracted to you, but she was trying to fill the void left by her ex. In other words, she wasn't with you for the right reasons. She was probably vulnerable and sad and wanted someone to meet her needs in the absence of her ex. Notice she begged you to come over all the time? She didn't want to be alone. And telling you she "really loves" you after just 2 months? No. That's nowhere near long enough to have developed that kind of love. In my opinion, she sounds like the emotionally immature party here.

 

The messages you found were not "to make him feel good." They were because she misses him and wants him back. Whether or not they are back together isn't really important. The important issue here is that her heart and mind are with him and she's nowhere near ready to date anyone else.

 

I'm sorry this happened. In the future, don't date girls fresh out of a relationship, because this is often the result.

[Blinksy]

Well I asked her this and she said she didnt think about it and she doesnt think she wants him anymore. But clearly she was the one that started the conversation with him. And she said that it wasnt meaningless and she really had feeling for me and it is a lie that I'm telling to myself if I belive that. I'm trying to get over it now but I dont know how... And today I have to go get my stuff from her place and I have no idea how to react or what to say to her. I'm afraid I'll start crying or something when I see her.

[Blinksy]

also I'm trying to use the NC method but she keeps messaging me on facebook saying good morning or how I am/feel... And I cant just ignore those messager or not reply no matter how hard I'm trying.

 

Edit: She will prolly try to talk it off since we did the breakup trough phone since I didnt wanted to wait till today to find out she's breaking up with me. But now she will try to explain me the whole situation and idk what to say or how to react.

Edited April 27, 2017 by Blinksy

[ExpatInItaly]

It doesn't really matter what she says, beyond her telling you she can't date you. That is the only important matter here.

 

Ask her to please stop messaging you so that you can heal. If she won't respect that, you need to block her. She doesn't get to break up with you and then throw little breadcrumbs your way.

 

Also, don't go to her place to get your stuff. Get her brother/your best friend to be the intermediary and get it for you. There's no reason for you to do so yourself and it will hurt you a lot.

[Blinksy]

Well I've been to her place to get all my stuff and after 3 hours of talking (mostly on my side) and explaining her why she is doing all these things and why she didnt got over her ex, she realized how imature and damaged she is and that she needs to get her life straight. She was so amazed on how I can think about every single detail and realized that she was the child that was trying to explain me a lot of things that were wrong and I was actually the mature person. And she admited she never had this kind of talk with anyone and none explained her everything with such details. I told her to stop contacting me so she doesnt hurt me more, and that we cant stay just friends.

 

And I have to admit I feel A LOT BETTER after this talk because I said EVERYTHING I had to say and I could think of. So it looks like NC straight after the breakup might not be that good and that you need to let out everything that you have to say.

 

I have to say that everything I did I did in a calm manner and didnt got angry or reproached her and he understood and listened and admited every single word because all I said made sense.

[Blinksy]

Of course she cried a lot and hugged me and so and I said ok you can let everything out but it's gonna be the last time you can count me as a shoulder you can cry on. And she said she really is gonna have a talk with her ex and get over it since she doesnt want him in her life but at the same time she wants him...

Edited April 27, 2017 by Blinksy

[ExpatInItaly]

I suppose it's good that you said what you needed to say.

 

Sometimes we need to do so to let go. Good for you to asking her not to contact you anymore. Don't be her shoulder to cry on while she gets over her ex.

[Blinksy]

So me and my gf broke up 5 days ago after 2 months of r/s. Anyways I didnt initiated NC straight away since I had to take some stuff from her place 2 days later. 2 days ago I went there and after 3 hours of talking I think she realised that she's not over her ex but she cared a lot for me.

 

That's why she said she wanted to break up, because she was afraid that in the future ahe might cheat me with him. Anyways, I told her everything that happend with her and why she didnt realised that and we cried and hugged a lot.

 

And she said she's really gonna think about everything I said and will try to get over her ex. The I asked her to stop contacting me for a while and that we cant be friends since I cant be just a shoulder to cry on. But last night I panicked when I've seen she wasnt on fb since the night we talked(she's active ALOT on fb).

 

So I called her like 3 times and waited in front of her workplace for her to get out just ao I can see she's fine. She didnt came out for 2 hours after her normal shift so I left. Then I treid to call her again but this time her phonr was closed. I panicked even more... then at about 10PM I called her again and she picked up. She said she's not really in the mood to talk and she was making fun at me for breaking NC and I said I couldnt help myself. I said ok it looks like you're busy and she said is nothing just she's tired and not in the mood to talk.

 

After she thought I hubgup I didnt and I could clearly hear her talking to someone ( most likely her ex at that hour). Then I felt like I want to die and immidiately jumped in my car and started driving like a maniac at 180 km/h in the city... but I got home and chilled on these forums for a bit and went to sleep. Not after archiving all the messages and saving all our photos somewhere then deleting them from the phone. So here I am at day1 of NC and I feel like I'm about to lose it.

[d0nnivain]

Don't drive so fast through the city again. If you are feeling that out of control, call a friend or go for a run. heaven forbid you hit & kill an innocent person while you are feeling out of control.

 

 

Delete her contact info from all your devices. Purge your home of all mementos.

 

 

When you feel like contacting her do anything else. Post here. Go in a chat room. Call a friend. Go for a run. Do some jumping jacks.

 

 

Time yourself if you have to, like a game. Say to yourself I can wait 1/2 hour to call her. Then do it. Once you accomplish that say, hey I already waited 1/2 hour, I can wait another 1/2 hour. Then say, hey I bet I can make another hour.

[Blinksy]

So, Me and my ex have been together for about 2 months when she decided that she cant fall in love with me and feel everything for me because she still feels something for her ex. Long story here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/622369-i-just-rebound-can-i-ever-get-back-her#post7297189

 

Anyways, these last 4 days we didnt spoke and she spent 3 days at a resort with 2 of her girlfriends. We've seen eachother today to talk and she told me she thought about a lot in this time alone and that I'm everything she ever wanted but for some reason she just cant let go of her ex. I told her that she should talk to him and even get back together if that's what is gonna make her realize that she doesnt love him like she says.

 

She said she missed me a lot and wanted me there and that she cant even sleep at her place because everything in there reminds her of me and is too much for her.

 

She also said that she could prolly make it work for now but she was really afraid that in the future she might be tempted to cheat me with him and that would hurt me even more. So she decided to stop it now and clear everything.

 

I made it clear that I dont want to be just friends again and I wont be a shoulder to cry on. And she understood and said that's exacly why she wants to clear everything because I dont deserve this.

 

I told her that I'll give it a month or two and I wont date anyone (I'm not really in the mood for any dating for a while proobably) and that for some time I dont want anyone in my life except for her.

 

She said her brain tells her he's really bad and that they wont ever make it work but her heart says different and she has to see it for herself.

 

She told me that she has no reason at all for not staying with me like: She wants to talk to me every time and cuddle, she is very attracted to me phisicaly, she cares for me and respects me like none else, she loves me (but is no longer in love with me), she really wants me in her life... etc...

 

Now here comes my question. Do you think she'll realise what I really am and make all the efforts to get over her ex and be mine completly? Or that she would chose him because she's not strong enough to get over and accept him like that and maybe keep cheating him like before?

[d0nnivain]

No she's not going to realize that you are a catch. 60 days in you have no history. You are meaningless blip on the radar of her dysfunctional relationship with her BF.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why would you want her back? You already know she's a cheater. Always remember if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

[jamili]

No she's not going to realize that you are a catch. 60 days in you have no history. You are meaningless blip on the radar of her dysfunctional relationship with her BF.

 

Why would you want her back? You already know she's a cheater. Always remember if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

 

How could you possibly know that? I dont think she will necessarily forget a 2 month relationship and consider it a meaningless "blip". Ive had relationships that were only a few months but that changed my life forever and i will never forget them for the rest of my life. I had a 3 month relationship once many years ago that was the most important relationship in my life, even more so than an 8 year one that followed that.

 

You never know.

 

 

Buti do agree about cheaters.

[d0nnivain]

How could you possibly know that? I dont think she will necessarily forget a 2 month relationship and consider it a meaningless "blip". Ive had relationships that were only a few months but that changed my life forever and i will never forget them for the rest of my life. I had a 3 month relationship once many years ago that was the most important relationship in my life, even more so than an 8 year one that followed that.

 

You never know.

 

 

Buti do agree about cheaters.

 

 

You have character & ethics. She doesn't, at least not from what the OP posted. Thus I don't think she will think about him because she wasn't thinking about him when they were "together". She was thinking about the BF she was cheating on. If she had been thinking about the OP, she would have dumped her BF & gave the OP a real shot.

 

 

Absent the cheating if she had been present in the relationship with the OP, then maybe it could have been like one of the short encounters you had that were meaningful. But she wasn't. OP was just some guy she was cheating on her BF with.

 

 

I'm not trying to be cruel but I had to see the OP continue to pine for a woman who is not worth it.

[Blinksy]

Well she broke up with him officially 4 month before we hooked up. Then 2 months before she started with me she "tried" again with him and everything ended in a big fight. So she wasnt with him when she was with me ( I know for sure because she spent all her time with me)

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to let go of her, OP.

 

She isn't going to be The One for you, because she was never with you for the right reasons.