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Why is this guy like this?


cutiewootie

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cutiewootie

Okay me and this bloke were in each others lives since we were teens for about 10 years he broke my heart numerous times by breaking up with me and getting with someone else soon after. But be it a few months or a year we end up back in each others lives and we start sleeping together and being close again. The last time he ended things with me I was pregnant neither of us knew till one day I miscarried but he was long gone and wasn't supportive or around for me when it happened he was off with someone else and when I told him he shugged it off and not so much as a im sorry im here if you need me for anything text :(

 

That time of my life was awful I had lost him and my unborn child I was in pieces. It took him months to realise the way he had treated me and to understand how much he put me through. He wanted to make things right and we met up and talked about everything he said he was gonna change. We got close again after that and I could see he was really trying but I had a fear that he would abandon me again I would start little arguments over stupid things like if he mentioned a girls name id flip and think he was seeing her even though he wasnt and id always bring up the time that I lost the baby and how I needed him and that being with someone else was more important than being there for me just to let him know that it will always hurt me and to let him know he was lucky I was even still talking to him. :mad:

Whenever those arguments would come up he would reassure me that he has changed and that I need to stop putting him back at square one.

 

I did trust him in my heart but because of our past my mind would wander and id convince myself he was talking to a girl or out with girls id work myself up so much that id snap at him and he would have to reassure me he wasn't then id feel bad for thinking that in the first place. The thing is I love him he has my heart I know I could do so much better I know ive been told by a few but you love who you love. Even though he broke my heart a few times I never stopped caring. Hes the type of bloke that isnt very emotional all his past relationships girls hurt him and can see that pattern in how he was with me putting those insecurities on me. Im much happier when hes in my life but a lot of the time I feel like I mean nothing to him I would like to be hugged and just made feel like I mean something to him. He isn't a hearts and flowers guy he likes his own surroundings likes things his way most of the time he is kinda stoic he doesnt let his emotions control how he thinks. But because he is like this it hurts me and makes me think im nothing to him.

 

We have been fighting so much and I said some nasty things to him I called him a dirtbag and that I didnt want our baby to be brought up with a father who has multiple girlfriends all the time. Our relationship was always on and off and not see him a lot hes that type of person that never sees his friends much either. I just dont understand why im not enough for him I loved him like no other girl did he was in my life for so long. Things have gotten so bad as he has kidney failure and he says he has too much going on and that he cant be dealing with anymore stress and that us fighting is tearing us apart he advised me to talk to someone and to take a good few months time apart so we can focus on ourselfs. I feel like he has just abandoned me once again while I was vulnerable and im soo angry at him why does this man have to be so complicated? :o

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ExpatInItaly

Why does he do this?

 

Two reasons:

 

`

1) He doesn't actually care that much about you

 

and

 

2) You keep allowing it

 

Sooner or later, you will need to understand that he's not going to transform into Mr. Devoted. It doesn't matter how much you are in love with him; you can clearly see the feeling is just not mutual, unfortunately.

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Research......

 

Operant conditioning

 

Managing down expectations

 

Narcissistic personality ..

 

Lack of emotions

 

Study these things and you will possibly have a lot of answers

 

 

 

 

Get out of this mess and go no contact with him......he will promise you the moon to get back in.

 

He's treating you as his back burner.

You are allowing this....

There is no 1st in a relationship

There is also no 2nd

There is.....................................................ONLY

You are the only one or nothing.

He is your drug and when he comes around he gives you your fix......

 

 

Not one will ever do or say anything that you don't invite them to do

 

We teach people how to treat us and he is treating you as you let him.

It's not worth it.

 

When you find another

See what he does...........

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cutiewootie
Why does he do this?

 

Two reasons:

 

`

1) He doesn't actually care that much about you

 

and

 

2) You keep allowing it

 

Sooner or later, you will need to understand that he's not going to transform into Mr. Devoted. It doesn't matter how much you are in love with him; you can clearly see the feeling is just not mutual, unfortunately.

 

 

The thing is he does love me he has tried to change and be a better person for me but I simply have trust issues over our past. If you don't love somebody you.sure as hell dont spend years on them. He has issues I know quite well he isnt a romantic man. He has no idea how to be a proper boyfriend I just wish I was enough. I dont think he knows what love is.

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The thing is he does love me he has tried to change and be a better person for me but I simply have trust issues over our past. If you don't love somebody you.sure as hell dont spend years on them. He has issues I know quite well he isnt a romantic man. He has no idea how to be a proper boyfriend I just wish I was enough. I dont think he knows what love is.

 

He hasn't spent years with you though has he?

 

He's spent years sleeping with you and the many other women that he's dumped you for.

 

That isnt love.

 

That is "I know she will always have sex with me in a dry spell"

 

It doesn't matter if he can love or not because he does not love you and he will never be the partner you want.

 

It's not your feelings of mistrusting him that are wrong, those are logical and rational because you do actually know what he is like. He will keep breaking up with you indefinitely and ignoring you when you need support. You know this, that is why you are here and why you don't trust him.

 

It's his job to earn that trust back if he really has changed not yours to be blindly trusting. And also his to accept if you don't readily do this or tell him to go **** himself (which, I can't emphasise enough, I thoroughly recommend you doing).

 

I can't even begin to address the comment on wishing you were enough for him, it's so incredibly co dependantly f*cked up. Like seriously? When everything you've said demonstrates that he isn't good enough for you and meets none of your needs in a partner, in anyone's needs I might add. He's not trustworthy, he doesn't support you, he's not reliable and he doesn't pick you above all others. Those are all pretty essential to a being a good partner in a relationship

 

Stop giving him all the power.

 

You need to take a year. Really. You know that year women tell their friends when they need to take it, the one with no men? You need it. And you definitely need six months minimum with zero contact with douchebag. Until you can see that life is pretty good without him and you feel better about yourself when he's not around.

 

Do something more with your life. Volunteer with charity. Take a course in something you've always wanted to. Anything except living out this fantasy that this guy loves you or will ever make you happy or be the partner you want.

 

And then your chances of meeting someone who does love you and can be your partner increase exponentially, because men don't fall in love with perpetually sexually available permissive doormats.

 

So go and learn how to stop being one.

Edited by EmilyJane
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Emily is giving good feedback. The only thing I want to add that could be helpful in the future is, someone trying to change themselves for you is fairly useless. They will eventually revert back. I think this is romanticized in pop culture TV/movies, and presented as true love... which is misleading. However, someone already aiming to change for themselves who happens to meet you in the process can possibly do it. But it's best to find someone who is already (to use a Buffy reference) "fully baked" and ready to be in a healthy relationship.

 

In the last year, I've been around two guys like this -- one who said I made him want to be a better person and actually be a better person (my ex) and one who happened to reconnect with me by chance after already starting to do self-motivated self-work (a friend). By mutual friend accounts, my ex reverted once he stopped having butterflies for me, which was devastating for me. My friend is coming to me regularly with new goals he's setting for himself, and I'm being a supportive friendly sounding board but not otherwise helping him (nor has he put any of it on me by asking for my help). This has shown me that the contrast between someone willing to change for themselves and someone trying to "change" to get something out of you (sex, validation, attention, etc.) is stark. One is inspiring! The other is disappointing at best and hurtful at worst.

 

Don't read into his words about trying to change into a better person for you. If it is true, the best that can happen is after several months if not 1-2 years of no contact, he'd come back, his actions and words aligned, and he'd tell you what he wants and you'll see the maturity and sincerity to an extent that you won't have to question it. The chances of this ever happening are extremely low, and will have to do with changes he made himself, not anything you did, which is why there's no reason to be in contact. In addition, you sound like you're still mourning your miscarriage and have a ton of trust issues that you should focus your attention on so you can heal before you get involved with anyone at all.

 

It sounds like he isn't worth it regardless. As the other posters said, please focus on yourself and your healing, and you will find a better person elsewhere when you're ready.

Edited by SpecialJ
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cutiewootie
He hasn't spent years with you though has he?

 

He's spent years sleeping with you and the many other women that he's dumped you for.

 

That isnt love.

 

That is "I know she will always have sex with me in a dry spell"

 

It doesn't matter if he can love or not because he does not love you and he will never be the partner you want.

 

It's not your feelings of mistrusting him that are wrong, those are logical and rational because you do actually know what he is like. He will keep breaking up with you indefinitely and ignoring you when you need support. You know this, that is why you are here and why you don't trust him.

 

It's his job to earn that trust back if he really has changed not yours to be blindly trusting. And also his to accept if you don't readily do this or tell him to go **** himself (which, I can't emphasise enough, I thoroughly recommend you doing).

 

I can't even begin to address the comment on wishing you were enough for him, it's so incredibly co dependantly f*cked up. Like seriously? When everything you've said demonstrates that he isn't good enough for you and meets none of your needs in a partner, in anyone's needs I might add. He's not trustworthy, he doesn't support you, he's not reliable and he doesn't pick you above all others. Those are all pretty essential to a being a good partner in a relationship

 

Stop giving him all the power.

 

You need to take a year. Really. You know that year women tell their friends when they need to take it, the one with no men? You need it. And you definitely need six months minimum with zero contact with douchebag. Until you can see that life is pretty good without him and you feel better about yourself when he's not around.

 

Do something more with your life. Volunteer with charity. Take a course in something you've always wanted to. Anything except living out this fantasy that this guy loves you or will ever make you happy or be the partner you want.

 

And then your chances of meeting someone who does love you and can be your partner increase exponentially, because men don't fall in love with perpetually sexually available permissive doormats.

 

So go and learn how to stop being one.

 

Actually love our entire relationship wasnt just about us sleeping together it took me a year to even sleep with him in the first place we always had that attraction and it would just happen when we didnt plan on it. The past 4 years he had tried to change he attended counselling and it brought us closer and he understood how I felt a lot more he has told me muliple times that he is unable to hold a relationship down with anyone out of fear and has not mentioned either of his past relationships to his family as they only know about me. When we know things wont work out we remain friends but we always end up being slightly more due to our history. I.straight out gave him a ultimatum told him it was other whores or me and he choose me because I was more important. My issue with him he is incredibly selfish I want more effort on his part I want to be made feel like I actually matter not just being told but being shown.

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ExpatInItaly

OP, this is not love. You need to rethink your definition of love if you believe that's how he feels about you.

 

He isn't showing you love because, well, he doesn't love you.

 

I gather you are on the younger and less experienced side, but you need to work on your self-esteem so you don't allow guys like this to blow in and out of your life. He's not going to suddenly morph into the Mr. Wonderful you're hoping for.

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cutiewootie

What causes a man like that to hurt everyone he has been with though? There were times he showed me how sorry he was and he can be loving 60% of the time and also by the way he looks at me he cares when im upset and would try to cheer me up. Part of me thinks he is narcissistic but looking up some of the symptoms he is a saint compared to a real narcissist. Hes also told me that he was never good enough for me because I was always out of his league. I guess im just accepting what he's giving because I love him but I wish he would step up and be the man he should have been

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At the very least, he is very deeply insecure. "You're too good for me" is a huge red flag, and real insecurity is insidious and destructive. You can't do anything to change this, and it sounds like counseling has only helped him so much -- still not enough for a healthy relationship. Insecurity drags partners way down, even if the person with it doesn't intend to be hurtful.

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  • 1 month later...
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cutiewootie

Hey I've been stuck in a weird on and off relationship for 10 years he always left me and came back and it would happen again. I know im a idiot for even taking him back but when you love somebody and they say they are sorry you want to believe them. He broke up with me when I was pregnant I lost the baby and he accused me of lying! He left me to cope with the loss for 6 months and when I needed him he told me to **** off. I was in such a dark place that I tried to overdose I felt like I lost everything and he was off entertaining some girl while this happened me.

 

He comes back months after pouring his heart saying how amazing I was and how he was so stupid he didnt realise what he had. And I took him back again we have never had a stable relationship we wanted to be in each others lives and we knew if we got in a relationship it would most likely end the way it always does and result in us not talking again. But we got really close started being intimate again acting like a couple but never putting a label on it over fear of us losing each other it all just happened as we have so much history.

 

After a good year of being close he got a job spent less time with me and it put a rift between us we were fighting and things slowly were falling apart. We met up and both agreed to work on it as we didnt want to lose each other but he never stuck to it. He was texting some girl while we were falling apart and tells me he wants to go on dates but not looking for anything serious. He suggested a break so we would come back to each other without stress and that it be good for us.

 

I find out he got in a relationship with that girl 6 months ago and lied to me about it the whole time. He had the nerve to lie to my face and say he wasn't seeing her when the girl told me she been chatting to him about 8 months. I fell apart. This idiot who hurt me so many times done it again but lied about it. I feel like everything about how he felt for me was fake and that I didnt mean anything to him at all. I tried to kill myself over this idiot twice and he gets off scot free everytime. I have a tattoo about our time together and our baby we lost I cant bear to look at it without being reminded of how he hurt me. I found his social media ads were he had his car up for sale and commented that he was a dirtbag who has multiple women in the backseat and I got it taken down. I know its childish but I loved this man gave my life to him he gave me nothing but a broken heart in return and his new girlfriend refuses to believe he's anything but perfect! I told her if he couldn't change for me or be there when I lost his kid then he wont change for her! I even contacted his family to tell them how he treated me and they refuse to think any less of there perfect son they think the sun shines out of his backside! How do I let this go? For so many years while he ****ed off on me for girls and would be horrible to me I spent crying and wondering why he treated me like this. He knew what he did hurt me why did he have to go and do it again he called me a crazy psycho bitch for what I did to his ad in all fairness that was tame compared to what he put me through! Has anyone gone through this before? Why does it seem like he treats her better? And makes me out to be the bad guy when all I did was love him and take him back when I should a gave him the boot.

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I even contacted his family to tell them how he treated me and they refuse to think any less of there perfect son they think the sun shines out of his backside!

 

But that's how you felt about him too. If you chose to look past consistent bad behavior for 10 years, each and everytime disappointing you and hurting you, why do you think his family would treat him differently? You did the same thing with the difference being he treated you poorly throughout.

 

How do I let this go?

 

You block and delete him on your phone. You remove him from every and any part of your life. Zero access to you via social media. No access via email. You disappear and you erase him. No stalking. No lashing out. No revenge tactics.

 

At this stage in your life, you are fully accountable and responsible for where you are. It's not his fault anymore. It would be best for you to seek counselling and try to rebuild your self-esteem. There is a reason why you kept going back to a relationship that was toxic and damaging. Even when you were being given consistent signs throughout the years, you kept going back. Your perception of right and wrong, good and bad is warped. You should seek counseling to help you get back on track.

 

Going on a rampage is only reinforcing to him that he made the right decision. Stop the destructive pattern and start focusing internally and healing.

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I have to agree with Zahara. You are responsible for the situation you are in because he showed you very plainly who he was, and you kept taking him back. I understand how easy it is to overlook bad behavior when you love someone. Also, block him on social media. The more you lash out on social media, the more unsympathetic and unstable you appear to other people. We've all had friends on social media who bash their exes, and, quite frankly, it just makes their ex look better.

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I agree also that you put yourself in this position because you knew the type of person he is. Well now you know for sure he isn't going to change regarding the way he treats you. The only thing you can do is block him and delete everything related to him, move forward and heal.

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bluefeather

Just because he was a scumbag to you, it does not give you the right to harass him and his family and his gf. Leave them all alone. As for why it seems like he treats her better, well it could be that it seems like that, but he will probably act the same way to her eventually. The other possibility is that he finally figured out how to be a better person, though that is less likely, unless there has been a lot of time spent working on himself - and as it seems that he jumped right into another relationship, there was probably no time for improvement.

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Just because he was a scumbag to you, it does not give you the right to harass him and his family and his gf. Leave them all alone. As for why it seems like he treats her better, well it could be that it seems like that, but he will probably act the same way to her eventually. The other possibility is that he finally figured out how to be a better person, though that is less likely, unless there has been a lot of time spent working on himself - and as it seems that he jumped right into another relationship, there was probably no time for improvement.

 

It could also mean he treats her better because she doesn't take his shytz but stands up to him. Who knows.

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1stly I can relate I've done this in the past because of love love can be blindness as the U2 song says.

 

yes it was u who took him back aftrr it wss Clear his behaviour was bad but this is a time to be constructive and build u back up not i told u so'she. However I bet he begged and begged and love bombed to get u back till u finally caved in. I also bet uve got a big heart and ur very noting kind and loyal which makes it even harder walking.

 

I believe in that saying until u walk in ur shoes.

 

Moving forward now u kno he's not changing u hav definate proof.

 

Start from the bottom and go NC. There's a good guide on here to help especially in ur moments of weakness. I think it'll be doubly hard for u because u forgave him over such a long period of time and it's gonna take a look looooooong time to forgive him and especially ureself for allowing him back in i know I've been there it cld take a no. Of yrs as it did me 2 to 3 to be exact bUT nonetheless start now. I would suggest a therapist because of the severity of the damage the losing the baby and suicidal thoughts. I found therapy just the act of talking it out is very healong and offloads a lot of baggage and helps wth not making the same mistake again. I use a university psychologist and it's very cheap about 15 dollars per 1 hr session so it's affordable and does wonders. Nows a time to really start building again. Lots of love and hugs and this is not about well u allowed it but to surround ureself wth positive people and vibes that make u feel good u dont need to be torn down any further keep checking in people like myself actually really care and wanna here how ur doing

Edited by Goodguy05
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It's a toxic relationship. You need to block him from your phone and social media and block yourself from looking at his and stop letting him in so you can move on.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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cutiewootie

Okay so this person hurt me so much in my life he was always breaking up with me and coming back for years off my life and for the past few years ive struggled mentally over a late miscarriage I had and he wasn't around for me. Ive stuggled to the point it took over my life it was all I thought about I couldn't even see new baby's without getting so upset and spending hours in my room by myself looking at sad memes or listening to sad songs. When he came back I constantly reminded him of how he wasn't here for our child or me when I needed him. I would snap at him over silly things but be sorry and he'd forgive me and it would happen again. Ive tried to od twice and it just made me feel more worthless as it never works. The thought of losing him again hurt and he did run off to someone once again and everything hurts like it did the first time he done it. Im so angry that I texted him vile abusive messages calling him a dirtbag and how he never cared about me and that he's a user and he never cared about his own child. I purposely sent them to him hoping it would hurt him so he would feel just a tiny bit of pain like what he made me feel. He tells me that I never had a baby and to stop acting like I had! Its about mourning the loss of a little child that never got to be born lost inside the womb or not it was still a little life and it hurts to know im alone in this. I get so furious at him and bombard him with angry abusive texts and call him every name under the sun. Normally im very caring and sweet and wouldn't do anything to hurt a person purposely but I just go into a rage thinking of him doing whatever the hell he wants while im not doing good. He was in my life for so long and the way he just left again was too much how do I stop harassing him? At one point I didn't even care what I was doing I just wanted payback I wanted to shout it to everyone post it everywhere and expose him. I took it too far that I posted it on a dating site he was on how do I stop feeling this way? How can I stop hating him counselling isn't seeming to help me its only fine for a while then its not. Has anyone else felt such anger and rage that a ex has done to them like this?

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I don't know if we can direct link things, but I read an article today that made me want to find this thread and post for you. It is not from the most scientific source, but I think the underlying idea is valuable and something you could look into to help you heal from all this. Maybe it isn't really about him anymore, and you can explore your feelings around the below with your counselor if you haven't already:

 

"Scientific research, at least, has begun to reveal the extent to which women struggle after such a loss. Estimates suggest that up to 20 percent of women who have a miscarriage develop symptoms of depression and/or anxiety ― feelings that don’t necessarily just disappear with time or even a subsequent pregnancy. A startling 2011 study out of the UK suggests such outcomes can be long-lasting. Among women who’d had a miscarriage or stillbirth, 13 percent were still experiencing symptoms of depression more than three years after their loss.

 

Other research has shown that women who experience miscarriage are at risk for developing PTSD, even if their loss occurs relatively early on in their pregnancy. Nearly 40 percent of women in a 2016 study ― most of whom had miscarried in their first trimester ― were experiencing symptoms of PTSD, which include reliving a traumatic event or a person avoiding any situations that remind her of it. PTSD can occur soon after a terrifying event or years later. For many women who have experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth, a subsequent pregnancy can be particularly triggering."

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stillafool
Okay so this person hurt me so much in my life he was always breaking up with me and coming back for years off my life and for the past few years ive struggled mentally over a late miscarriage I had and he wasn't around for me. Ive stuggled to the point it took over my life it was all I thought about I couldn't even see new baby's without getting so upset and spending hours in my room by myself looking at sad memes or listening to sad songs. When he came back I constantly reminded him of how he wasn't here for our child or me when I needed him. I would snap at him over silly things but be sorry and he'd forgive me and it would happen again. Ive tried to od twice and it just made me feel more worthless as it never works. The thought of losing him again hurt and he did run off to someone once again and everything hurts like it did the first time he done it. Im so angry that I texted him vile abusive messages calling him a dirtbag and how he never cared about me and that he's a user and he never cared about his own child. I purposely sent them to him hoping it would hurt him so he would feel just a tiny bit of pain like what he made me feel. He tells me that I never had a baby and to stop acting like I had! Its about mourning the loss of a little child that never got to be born lost inside the womb or not it was still a little life and it hurts to know im alone in this. I get so furious at him and bombard him with angry abusive texts and call him every name under the sun. Normally im very caring and sweet and wouldn't do anything to hurt a person purposely but I just go into a rage thinking of him doing whatever the hell he wants while im not doing good. He was in my life for so long and the way he just left again was too much how do I stop harassing him? At one point I didn't even care what I was doing I just wanted payback I wanted to shout it to everyone post it everywhere and expose him. I took it too far that I posted it on a dating site he was on how do I stop feeling this way? How can I stop hating him counselling isn't seeming to help me its only fine for a while then its not. Has anyone else felt such anger and rage that a ex has done to them like this?

 

Honey I'm sorry but you are going to get the same responses. Your thread is ongoing.

 

This guy does not love you and that is shown by the way he treats you. I know you are struggling over your miscarriage but he doesn't feel the same loss as you probably because he never wanted a baby with you. Don't expect him to care one bit. If y0our independent counselor can't instruct you how to get over the hate you have for this guy no one here can. Make it clear to your counselor that you are looking for ways to move past the hate you feel for him. They should be able to give you some exercises to use.

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