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GF and I broke up, talked about how to fix, needs time, yet still messages me.


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Hey guys

 

Ex[27F], and me [29M], had been together for 3.5 years, and lived together for 1.5. Pretty much out of the blue a month ago, things took a real deep downwards, and 5 days later we were broken up. I was real blindsided, in hindsight sure I can see some things, but I was a real shock. She moved out. It's now been a month and a half

 

 

**Reason for breakup**

Not sure if it's truly the root issue, but they had felt neglected over the past 3 months. Now, in my eyes, we've done a ton of stuff, always on the go, and I've gone out of my way to support them. I value quality time, and I'd say it's how I show my love. So it felt a little like, rather than seeing all the things I was doing for them, they ended up focusing on all the things I wasn't. This was never truly communicated to me. At least when it was, I did things thinking I was making them happy, when what they needed was something else.

 

After some reflection, I can see us living together having put a bit of a damper on special and cute little dates. I will shoulder a big part of responsibility there. Not that it's only on me, but I should have recognized it and taken action.

 

 

**Now What**

So 2 weeks ago, she was dropping off and picking up things. We had a long chat. At first I said she had to stop messaging me. Was too hard to get messages from her. Lots of "Hi hi, have a great Friday :)", and messages like that, sharing things she was doing.

 

The conversation turned into us both crying, and her saying it was so hard because she was loosing her best friend. I feel that way too.

 

I had written an action plan out for how I would fix things if I could the week before. Was going to share. Decided against it at the time, but then this situation happened and I shared it. It isn't a "take me back please" plan. But more of a serious, we need to have these hard conversations, self-reflection, and then we can better evaluate if this is for the better or not. Lets start with two months, no expectations kind of thing.

 

Body language was real good. Said it meant a lot to her. We hugged for long, and talked it through. She needed a few days to think it over. Perfect, I didn't even want an answer right there and then. I had written a bunch of notes, why/what/how/goal style notes. Sent it her to her via email.

 

I gave it no expectations. A "yes", great, lets start this rough process of figuring things out. If "no", then alright, I can move on feeling like I brought everything to the table.

 

Got a response 5 days later via email. She need more time to "digest everything and think things over". Needs a few weeks. Fair enough, a part of me says, it shouldn't be a decision taken lightly. Of course also a little disappointed, and have now placed myself right back into the uncertainty situation. Followed up her email with a good reply, not being pushy. Just, hey, let's chat in a couple of weeks, and then have more conversations if needed before making a decision.

 

Saw her on my motorcycle on my commute to work today. She saw me too. Had two messages as soon as I walked into the office. Nice positive things. Saying Hi, I looked good, you know, positive small talk.

 

We continued the conversation for a few messages, and I said I had to go to meetings, which I did, but also didn't want to continue, given we are technically doing "No Contact". Proving not so easy.

 

She has now twice invited me out to dinners with a common friend group of ours in the past 2 weeks. Second time being two nights ago. Now, they're not one on one, I feel she may feel bad for excluding me, given it's a common friend group. However she is being persistent with it.

 

I don't know, I'm sitting here at work with my mind in overdrive, not able to focus like I should. Would like to hear other peoples opinions/experiences, who have gone through something similar.

 

 

**Questions**

What do you read from the situation at hand.

Any idea what she may be feeling from this?

I don't necessarily want to get back together, but I want us the chance to reflect on the relationship and make a smart decision from there. I absolute love the girl.

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I have a few thoughts. But not enough info to have clear advice.

 

If your way of showing love is quality time then what is hers?

 

The long business like problem solution buisiness plan email about how to fix things is a very male thing to do. But is often not what females need and can come off to us as clinical and detached. When probably what she most wants is emotional connection.

 

And if there are problems to be fixed I'm not convinced that you know what they are for her beyond that she thought she could solve them by moving out and any solutions should be something that you work out together.

 

I can't get a very good sense of the dynamic yet or what her perspective might be or even if it is something like GIGS or immaturity on her part.

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Unfortunately here is the deal...And I know this will sound harsh.

 

When a girl this age actually moves out, she is usually done. Often she has met someone else and is on her way to a new relationship. She may or may not have cheated, you will find that out later.

 

Also, you guys are not kids and your post kind of sounds immature at bet and kind of silly at worst.

 

You don't seem to be doing the begging and pleading like a lot of guys do, maybe a small amount but not much.

 

But, what you need to do is go no contact yesterday, completely. You have given her a road map or ideas to fix the relationship. But it does not sound like she has ever told you what was actually wrong in the R for her.

 

That is kind of a sign that she is cheating or at let very least too immature and completely UN-self-aware to actually tell you what is going on with her.

 

My advice is to move on and go NC. If she wants back in your life, she will find you and let you know. Then, you can decide if you want her back...

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Hi, read your original post. I came to this site after hearing, time and time again, to go NC unless she contacted me, and to give her space to actually miss me, not to respond to messages unless they were of a "let's reconcile" nature, etc...

 

Of course I thought my situation was different. I hate the term "snowflake" as an insult or to degrade someone who wants to see themselves as unique... but I think that in love, we all think our relationship is "special". And it is, each one truly is! However, human behavior is somewhat predictable, and our responses to threats of the loss of love and comfort are even more predictable. So, I continued to send her occasional messages... bad. Worse, I let her jerk me around once, responding to a last minute request to bring her some of her things after she had sent me some really cruel texts. I put up NO fight and, in an effort to show myself as a bigger person, mature, and sure sure 100% certain that I could do something so simple as bring her a plastic chair and table successfully, I went over and dug my hole deeper.

 

It brought me nothing. I am now a very late convert to the church of N/C, and though I am not the most ardent disciple, I certainly believe that there is no way to text your way back into someone's heart, especially if they evicted you in the first place.

 

So stop the texting, tell her to CALL if she has something of substance to say, and prepare yourself for the sometimes Sisyphean task of rebuilding your life. Good luck pilgrim.

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