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Meeting Ex soon... how to proceed?


ML Hammer95

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ML Hammer95

It had been two weeks since I last heard from my ex and I was coping well... improving every day and gaining some perspective on everything. Then, completely unexpectedly, she contacted me last Friday. Through Instagram messenger as everything else was blocked saying 'hey' and 'when are you home from uni?' During a later discussion, she said she wanted to catch up and freaked out a bit. I wouldn't contact an ex, particularly one whom I shared a messy break up, but who knows her motivation.

 

A few days later, I was re-added by her on Snapchat. I asked her what was going on, thought she was done etc... and we had a four hour talk/argument/discussion basically. The main things to come out of it were.

 

  • she still cares about me
  • told each other we still had feelings - when i told her mine she asked to meet me
  • she went on to wonder if meeting was a good idea, said it was up to her
  • still thinks i 'left her' by going to uni
  • still remembers how nice and caring and sweet I was to her, despite other things that happened
  • can't leave each other alone

 

I told her that we could work if the security, commitment and knowledge were there between us (it would be long distance half the time while I'm at uni but not impossible). She kept bringing up reasons it might not work but every time I called her out on it she denied it and said it was a sign of me not caring and not loving her. She said she is reluctant to wear her heart on her sleeve while she doesn't know how I feel (good sign) but questioned why I haven't moved on at uni (bad sign).

 

So the following morning I message her saying hope she is okay. She replies it is fine and 'it isn't normal between us if it isn't intense'. After a few hours, in which I collect my thoughts, I reply telling her where I stand. Essentially told her, if you are not interested in reconciling and moving forward together I think it's best we are not in contact. If that isn't what you want, do not contact me because otherwise this drama is for nothing. At first she said do what you want, then after I stressed I would like to work things out with her she replied 'so if we don't reconcile and have something together you will walk away' to which I replied Yes. I said I hoped we can draw a line under the past and move forward if she was prepared too as well and she agreed. Saying when we meet we might go over things one last time if necessary but after that no more. We then chatted about each other for an hour afterwards.

 

I don't know if that means she is interested in getting back together or having one final meet but I'm not letting myself get too excited. I think it is positive she does want to meet and responded well to me being honest about my feelings. I am also glad I told her exactly where I stand. Question is how do I proceed if and when we do meet?

 

Sorry for the long read.. will happily answer any questions and any advice and insight would be greatly received.

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Sounds fairly positive she's wanting you back again. I'd play it cool man, and don't discuss your past at all. Just see if you can have fun together, without it being weird or awkward.

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ML Hammer95

Spoke to me today saying she is in two minds if this is a good idea. She wants to be with me I think but part of her is holding her back. She blames herself for what happened before (I had a counselling session) but I assured her that was more for me. I told her I wanted the meet to be as low-key and less pressure as possible. She said she'd been doing a lot of thinking about us. Which in a way is good, but I don't think so?

 

Re-iterated too where I'm at... I either want to give it a full go again or there has to be no contact. No checking in for catchups or anything. Maybe too pushy? I was just trying to be honest but I can see how it can be pressuring. So I said I'm going to give you time and space to think but don't leave me hanging indefinitely.

 

I'm not hopeful. Have I done the right thing/what should I expect?

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"I either want to give it a full go again or there has to be no contact. No checking in for catchups or anything."

 

It will be tough but you need to stick to this. Either you BOTH are committed to giving it a sold try again 100% or you should no longer be in contact. No false hope. You can't be friends and you can't give in to what she may want, you both have to want the same thing for it to work. Be strong and DO NOT expect that you two are getting back together. I'll tell you, it's tough if not much time has past. Things just usually don't feel the same again after a break up.

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Honestly I'd be a bit cautious about the meetup. I'd tell her to make a 100% decision and then you guy meet up. This will only prolong the healing if you guys meet up and don't reconcile.

 

I'm more in the boat that she needs to be 100% onboard to reconcile and no doubts, otherwise the first fight between you two is going to lead to a breakup imo.

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ML Hammer95

Yeah if someone keeps saying they're 'confused' there isn't a lot I can do... it's like the heart says yes but the head is saying no. Can't do anything except give space and not get hung up on it... not keep waiting around for her especially as I've made myself clear.

 

She says when it ended she thought it was the last time we'd walk away from each other but here we are again (she was the one who re-initiated contact). Sign we can't leave each other alone but this dilemma shows she doesn't really want it back. That's my view, don't think anybody would disagree with me?

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I hate to say this.

 

But I don't think this is very positive.

 

This is the sort of head**** thing I've pulled on the ex before I initiated permanent block everything delete the numbers NC to just get enough distance that either he works on his **** (I'm always working on mine and I'm not the one who decided to develop a drinking problem six months after moving in together).

 

Because I miss him and I love him and that loss of the connection but I know that he isn't good for me and reconciling now will change nothing. It will just be the same problems. Not because I want to give mixed messages or hurt him or don't know what I want. But because it's messy and hard.

 

She's in two minds and that won't change until a lot more time has passed. The intensity was there with us. And that intensity is a big emotional hit that is like a high. But is something I don't have good associations with anymore and I think I can "hear" that same thing in her responses and comments.

 

I don't think she wants to reconcile. I think she is just feeling the loss of the connection. She would probably instantly agree to friends. But being with you again and committing I don't think is going to happen. Or if it does. She will leave again.

 

Give it more time and consider requesting a set time limit of several months duration with zero contact. Talk reconciliation after that.

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ML Hammer95

Yeah, I put a stop to this. After the non-committal phrases and going back and forwards I just said that it wasn't worth it anymore and returned to no contact. She got angry but I feel I was fully justified in doing what I did. If someone wants to see you and that, they make the time no questions asked.

 

EmilyJane you were spot on! I think almost calling her bluff and saying it's all or nothing showed the exact behaviour you described.

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Yeah, I put a stop to this. After the non-committal phrases and going back and forwards I just said that it wasn't worth it anymore and returned to no contact. She got angry but I feel I was fully justified in doing what I did. If someone wants to see you and that, they make the time no questions asked.

 

EmilyJane you were spot on! I think almost calling her bluff and saying it's all or nothing showed the exact behaviour you described.

 

It's hard. I'm sorry you think I was right because it's probably feeling pretty sh*tty right now.

 

 

For what it is worth, if it is a I suggested. It isn't even that she doesn't want to see you. It's a bajillion times more complicated and conflicted than that. I would love to see mine pretty much every day. It hurts not seeing him. But when he was trying to still see me I could not handle it. It was like emotional torture. Because there was no point to it. Nothing was going to get better and we would have ended up back together because it's always impossible to be apart for long if we were in range of each other. And I would have been just that much more traumatised and miserable and it would end again anyway .

 

Obviously with mine there's the whole other load of stuff from living with the angry drunk who started to inhabit my ex's body that is producing the conflict. But I think that there's always lots of mixed conflicting feelings

 

Give it time. Just give it more time apart and enforce that boundary - it sounds like neither of our ex's are able to do it voluntarily to get the space to heal the whole lot of us need. So we have to be the strong ones.

 

And you need that space. At least six months. If what you most want is to reconcile and have a decent chance at it going better next time

Edited by EmilyJane
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ML Hammer95
It's hard. I'm sorry you think I was right because it's probably feeling pretty sh*tty right now.

 

 

For what it is worth, if it is a I suggested. It isn't even that she doesn't want to see you. It's a bajillion times more complicated and conflicted than that. I would love to see mine pretty much every day. It hurts not seeing him. But when he was trying to still see me I could not handle it. It was like emotional torture. Because there was no point to it. Nothing was going to get better and we would have ended up back together because it's always impossible to be apart for long if we were in range of each other. And I would have been just that much more traumatised and miserable and it would end again anyway .

 

Obviously with mine there's the whole other load of stuff from living with the angry drunk who started to inhabit my ex's body that is producing the conflict. But I think that there's always lots of mixed conflicting feelings

 

Give it time. Just give it more time apart and enforce that boundary - it sounds like neither of our ex's are able to do it voluntarily to get the space to heal the whole lot of us need. So we have to be the strong ones.

 

And you need that space. At least six months. If what you most want is to reconcile and have a decent chance at it going better next time

 

Thanks, I understand this probably wasn't for the best and I now understand that it isn't that she doesn't want to see me. I will be strong enough to enforce the boundary now definitely, nothing to be gained by remaining in contact (she said I'm always here for you) but it isn't for the best. Never remain apart for long, but now it has to happen. I think she'll always eventually come back but it isn't right.

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Thanks, I understand this probably wasn't for the best and I now understand that it isn't that she doesn't want to see me. I will be strong enough to enforce the boundary now definitely, nothing to be gained by remaining in contact (she said I'm always here for you) but it isn't for the best. Never remain apart for long, but now it has to happen. I think she'll always eventually come back but it isn't right.

 

Just say it doesn't have to be forever but it has to be for now.

 

Sort of closing the door but not locking it.

 

It helps. In the beginning. It will get you doing what you need to and not acting out of fears of losing her or never seeing her again or something

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ML Hammer95
Just say it doesn't have to be forever but it has to be for now.

 

Sort of closing the door but not locking it.

 

It helps. In the beginning. It will get you doing what you need to and not acting out of fears of losing her or never seeing her again or something

 

She hasn't gone quietly...

 

Saying how me asking for space for us for a bit is a 'sign our relationship fails' and even attacking me for using 'long words' such as suppress and reconcile... saying she felt patronised. Madness. Saying I had issued her an ultimatum and was trying to control the situation. Immediately after she tried asking when my train was but I couldn't respond. Right thing to do?

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She hasn't gone quietly...

 

Saying how me asking for space for us for a bit is a 'sign our relationship fails' and even attacking me for using 'long words' such as suppress and reconcile... saying she felt patronised. Madness. Saying I had issued her an ultimatum and was trying to control the situation. Immediately after she tried asking when my train was but I couldn't respond. Right thing to do?

 

I think now is the bit where you just say it doesn't have to be forever to yourself.

 

I probably should have clarified that :(

 

It's getting a lot messier isn't it? How unpleasant. I actually tried really hard to own my behaviour after lashing out in hurt and then apologise and explain why I needed space. I was mortified by my behaviour. I don't think this girl is like that I'm afraid. She's very hurt tho. Thst is certain.

 

What are you getting out of maintaining contact? Like.. is there something you are hoping for from her?

 

I was hanging on because I didn't want the emptiness without him there. And because I wanted things like apologies and that he would get help and stuff.

 

But when he gave them. They rang hollow. It was too soon and he was still living nearly an hour away with his drinking buddy. Like clearly not making choices with a view to repairing anything. It was horrendous. It's horribly difficult to leave someone and/or cut off contact with someone who still wants you around but seems incapable of doing anything constructive to allow healthy reconciliation.

 

But in the long run it is the healthiest thing after too many things have gone wrong and one or both of you has left.

Edited by EmilyJane
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Hurt by what though, my actions here?

 

Haha no, again nothing logical and cause and effect like that.

 

This is emotional. It's different. And it's so fresh that she probably doesn't fully understand her own emotions yet. That's why having space is crucial after a break up in my opinion. You're still emotionally ow highly reactive to each other.

 

Hurt because it's over. It hurts to leave someone. Like I've said before you go through the same things either side of the equation in my experience. Hurting that you're not together but not feeling much better after contact with you. It's a pretty painful place to be.

 

But it will pass with time if she's not the sort to repress.

 

But I don't actually know for certain. I don't know why she felt it necessary to end things with you. Most people who are reasonably well adjusted do not do this except as a last resort.

 

But I act in similar ways towards someone I know I needed to leave because they've hurt me or who act in ways that aren't good for me.

Edited by EmilyJane
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ML Hammer95

I think she is the type to repress to be honest, I'd be very surprised if she didn't try and start conversation again. That's why I'm the one who has to be strong and enforce boundaries.

 

We are still emotionally reactive to each other, definitely. That's where the intensity comes from I think.

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Those are some really mature insights to have.

 

I agree.

 

It's awful being the one to enforce no contact with someone you are still feeling that human bonding motivated need to be close to and have contact with isn't it?

 

I told mine I was blocking him. I am aware of how much that will really really hurt him and he will feel incredibly betrayed as I said at one point I wouldn't do that. I doubt he gets what it was like for me or be able to comprehend that I'm a bit traumatised by drunk him. So I feel like a total @sshole most of the time.

 

Every single time I try to compare my case to others or start getting too close to trying to contact him or start that loop thinking about what I should have done differently etc I come up against the substance abuse and that I'm missing someone who doesn't exist anymore.

 

In that respect I think it's easier for me than it is for you.

Like. I'm just not so romantic and so lacking in self preservation as to start having fuzzy boundaries about access to me around a drunk.

 

I honestly don't know how you are doing it.

But I think it is potentially one of those life changing self realisation learning events for you:

 

What you are doing is discovering your own strength and you will never forget it.

 

Be proud of it and don't blur that boundary you have set. She will test it. But once you let her violate a boundary or move it for her you'll have five thousand times the problem setting one with her again.

 

Can I ask why it ended again or can you link me to the relevant post?

Edited by EmilyJane
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And here's the thing Mr Hammer.

 

This will not be your only chance at love.

 

NC until there's any talk of reconciliation. That's the boundary you set.

 

Is win win for you.

 

Because you cannot heal and get into a place where you can form a functional attachment until you get over someone.

 

NC will speed that up.

 

So you'll either get what you want from this girl. Or you will use your newfound strength to heal right, without involving others. And when you are ready you will meet someone else.

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ML Hammer95

You're right. The ironic thing is that I was doing a great job getting over her for two weeks - improving every day. Socialising at uni, keeping busy and while I thought about her I didn't feel an urge to contact her. And once we had that argument it all came back and the feelings, emotions and intensity came flooding back. The fact she said she was doing great but contacted me again was weird.

 

I want to go NC. I am confident in myself that I will meet someone else and get over her. Like you said, once I was back in contact it didn't feel quite right.

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Plus...

 

It did sound like she was a bit far on the BPD spectrum Downtown posted.

 

I'm not sure that there would ever be less of the reactive emotional intensity.

 

For what it's worth, I'm sure she is really suffering. I still can't find the description of the actual break up I'm afraid. But she's so reactive and inclined to take no responsibility I would guess it was leaving you because of vague general yet non specific crimes.

 

But I don't think that's something you need to feel responsible for or is even something you could have changed.

 

And the next time you will know what to be alert for.

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Plus...

 

It did sound like she was a bit far on the BPD spectrum Downtown posted.

 

I'm not sure that there would ever be less of the reactive emotional intensity.

 

For what it's worth, I'm sure she is really suffering. I still can't find the description of the actual break up I'm afraid. But she's so reactive and inclined to take no responsibility I would guess it was leaving you because of vague general yet non specific crimes.

 

But I don't think that's something you need to feel responsible for or is even something you could have changed.

 

And the next time you will know what to be alert for.

 

I'm not convinced she is hurt by me or the fact we weren't in contact. Maybe if I looked at the situation logically then I can see she is, but I don't feel like that's the case. She said she was 'doing great' while we weren't talking so why come back.

 

However, like you said, it isn't really my problem. I'm glad I was direct with her and didn't stand for any prolonged harmful contact this time. Just got to ensure this time is the LAST time.

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I'm not convinced she is hurt by me or the fact we weren't in contact. Maybe if I looked at the situation logically then I can see she is, but I don't feel like that's the case. She said she was 'doing great' while we weren't talking so why come back.

 

However, like you said, it isn't really my problem. I'm glad I was direct with her and didn't stand for any prolonged harmful contact this time. Just got to ensure this time is the LAST time.

 

Well.

 

I would definitely trust your knowledge of her over mine obviously.

 

But to me - she's acting like a woman who is in pain. Who is hurting.

 

Manipulative. But hurting.

 

She is not doing great. You don't say that to an ex unless you want to cause them pain for feeling like they didn't matter much and didn't cause much sense of loss. And you don't want to cause someone who doesn't matter to you that. You do it to wound and to manipulate and to try and disempower your ex.

 

Is lies my friend. Is lies.

 

 

I honestly think it is very rare for people in an emotionally deep or intense relationship to not suffer at the sudden loss of that bond, even if it was severed for good reason. We are social pack animals. That ability to bond has been our survival. It's very deeply instinctive and we have inbuilt deterrents to severing it. Our emotional responses to loss.

 

Now. That the pain I think I perceive might be because I think that to people on the spectrum, life is painful or because she feels she is (unfairly) a victim of some imagined or vastly amplified emotional crime against her. But what I think is key, is thar even though you absolutely should not feel guilt or responsibility for these things- she really does genuinely feel. Its not fake.

 

And I think it must be obvious to everyone who reads anything I write that I try to put myself in the non present persons shoes to try and offer alternative perspectives or to offer a feminine perspective on males threads.

 

But that everything is biased by my own feelings and pain. Even the threads I choose to respond on. Are me externally processing my stuff.

 

Remember that if she is BPD or has strong tendencies. Thst this was always going to happen. You would never have been able to fill that huge increasing need for emotional validation. She doesn't realise that is what it is of course, she just knows she's not feeling as loved. Therefore you are not loving her. Therefore you must be got rid of because not loving her is a huge emotional sounding crime.

 

And now fir where I've written loving read instead "complete validation".

Edited by EmilyJane
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ML Hammer95
Well.

 

I would definitely trust your knowledge of her over mine obviously.

 

But to me - she's acting like a woman who is in pain. Who is hurting.

 

I honestly think it is very rare for people in an emotionally deep or intense relationship to not suffer at the sudden loss of that bond, even if it was severed for good reason. We are social pack animals. That ability to bond has been our survival. It's very deeply instinctive and we have inbuilt deterrents to severing it. Our emotional responses to loss.

 

Now. That the pain I think I perceive might be because I think that to people on the spectrum, life is painful or because she feels she is (unfairly) a victim of some imagined or vastly amplified emotional crime against her. But what I think is key, is thar even though you absolutely should not feel guilt or responsibility for these things- she really does genuinely feel. Its not fake.

 

And I think it must be obvious to everyone who reads anything I write that I try to put myself in the non present persons shoes to try and offer alternative perspectives or to offer a feminine perspective on males threads.

 

But that everything is biased by my own feelings and pain. Even the threads I choose to respond on. Are me externally processing my stuff.

 

Remember that if she is BPD or has strong tendencies. Thst this was always going to happen. You would never have been able to fill that huge increasing need for emotional validation. She doesn't realise that is what it is of course, she just knows she's not feeling as loved. Therefore you are not loving her. Therefore you must be got rid of because not loving her is a huge emotional sounding crime.

 

And now fir where I've written loving read instead "complete validation".

 

I would trust your judgement as an impartial viewer - often when you are too close to a situation you don't see things clearly. And it is easy to believe the words you are told when your own observations and instinct suggest something different.

 

I do recognise she does feel these things, it must be a fraught unstable existence. And I know she does genuinely blame me for things, given the things I have said in this thread - things like 'Remember - You. Left. Me' and that. It's hard to hear that she still cares and likes me without wanting to try and make things work.

 

But I feel like the time is focus on myself anyway. She'll come back eventually, it's how I deal with it next time.

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I would trust your judgement as an impartial viewer - often when you are too close to a situation you don't see things clearly. And it is easy to believe the words you are told when your own observations and instinct suggest something different.

 

I do recognise she does feel these things, it must be a fraught unstable existence. And I know she does genuinely blame me for things, given the things I have said in this thread - things like 'Remember - You. Left. Me' and that. It's hard to hear that she still cares and likes me without wanting to try and make things work.

 

But I feel like the time is focus on myself anyway. She'll come back eventually, it's how I deal with it next time.

 

I do think you are dead on that she will be back.

 

I just think it is not exactly with intent to reconcile.

 

She will absolutely hate that you have set boundaries and will instinctively want to break them to reassure herself. You've been the most recent source of validation so I think she will still be trying to get that emotional hit off you.

 

Keep the boundary. No matter what. I think you will.

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ML Hammer95

She already has! Last night, sending me a song that she hated when I showed her last year but now she likes... Exchange by Bryson Tiller.

 

When I didn't reply, I received around 30 messages of raging intensity including a last-ditch attempt to meet up with me. Just desperation.

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