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Ex GF (Dumper) just called me after a month of NC


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trustyourself

My ex called on Thursday 9th of March at 10.45pm. I picked up :/

 

Let me give the pretext.

We dated for a year and half, but our last couple of months things kind of broke down. She seemed sad and unhappy, but she would not talk to me, but was constantly wanting to see me (After work, the whole weekend etc). About a month before the breakup, we had an argument where she accused me of texting other girls. I had not, as morally, I think its scummy, and would not want someone to do that to me. I told her I had not been doing that (how do you prove you didnt do something?!) She stormed out and went home. We worked through it and I thought it had resolved. Move forward a month later, and we have another huge blowout about the same thing. She stormed out, told me it was over, and proceeded to text me late into the night horrible insults, etc etc. She told me that when she wasnt around me, she just sat at home thinking I was texting or hanging out with other girls and it drove her crazy.

 

This was around December 14th.

 

I tried to talk to her a couple of times, to see if we could sort it out, but she would be so mad, and call me a liar and a manipulator, tell me she never wants to speak to me again, that I am not good for her. She even said she wanted to go back to her ex, because he was always good to her.

 

After this, I said goodbye, and initiated no contact. She texted me once during this period to ask how I was doing. I responded eventually with a short "I am good thanks"

She then texted me about her spare car keys about a week before she called. I just responded with "yes, I have them, I will mail them to you", to which she responded with 4 seperate texts thanking me. I did not respond.

 

Now, the call:

I answered, and said hello. Silence. I said hello again, and was about to hang up, when she suddenly responds: Heeeyyy, sorry I am calling so late. I just got home from hanging out with (her best friend), and I was talking to her about you, and how I missed you. I also wanted to to say I am really sorry for being such a bitch to you and so mean after we broke up. I am really sorry. I responded with a Thank you. She then asked if I hate her. I said no. She then said she missed me again, and then she got upset (crying) and started to analyze/talk about the things that led to our breakup. This involved mutual agreement about both our shortcomings in not letting go of the past, holding on to our insecurities, and lack of good communication.

When I mention her holding onto her past (this involves the fact that she probably never truly moved past her ex of 7 years.), she responded by apologising and saying that she was stupid, and that it was just a pipe dream and there is nothing there anymore. I did not really respond to that, but instead moved the conversation on.

She then said she missed me again , talked about how many fun times we had, and the adventures we got up to. This included specific memories. I agreed they were great times, and we laughed about some of the funny things.

She kept saying she missed me a little bit. She missed my voice etc (somewhere in here she said she did not want to see me yet?). We then talked a little about what we had been up to recently and things we were working on with ourselves. Eventually I told her it was getting late, and I needed to get some rest. She agreed, but before I said goodnight, she thanked me for a bed I gave her for her room, and how much she loved it. But it didnt smell like me anymore (I know that sounds weird. haha) I just laughed it off, told her I am glad she liked the bed. Then she said I could call or text her whenever. I said okay, and we said our good nights.

 

The call lasted about an hour. I have continued NC. Is this the correct thing to do? Was this breadcrumbs? Closure?

 

I guess she is just going through the guilt, loneliness etc etc and called me in a weak moment.

 

I am confused about the fact she said she was not ready to see me yet, but said it was okay to call her sometime?

 

I do love this girl very much, and we have great chemistry and connection. I would be open to reconciling after some time to work on ourselves and let go of the past and forgive.

 

Thoughts?

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Sounds like breadcrumbs. Continue NC and let her reach out to you. Keep your responses short and sweet and to the point. Try not to say anything like, "I miss you too". Nothing that comes off strong or too strong about any feelings you may have for her.

 

As long as you continue to be an option, she will sub-conciously take her time if she's wanting reconciliation, because she wll sub-conciously assume you're waiting for her.

 

You guys broke up, meaning that you've accepted unconditionally to be out of each others lives. She has no right to know about you. If you're seeking reconciliation, continue to do NC and let her message you. Try your best not to give out any information about how you're doing, what you're up to, if you have feelings, if you miss her, ect. Again, be in the mindset she has no right to know about you because you guys split.

 

If she continues to message you, get to the point. Say something like "Why are you continuing to message me? If you're looking to try again, we can have a talk about that in person. If not, please give me my space. If that's the case I wish you well. Good bye".

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The good thing is she called you. Going NC with her was the right thing to do on your part. If you chase it pushes them away. This doesnt sound like normal breadcrumbs. Why? Because she called it wasn't a text.

 

I'd let her pursue. If you don't and there is something there she'll think twice about dumping you again. If you want to reignite maybe be available but somewhat aloof.

 

However, you were probably a rebound if she was in a 7 year relationship. They usually don't work out.

 

Good luck

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trustyourself
The good thing is she called you. Going NC with her was the right thing to do on your part. If you chase it pushes them away. This doesnt sound like normal breadcrumbs. Why? Because she called it wasn't a text.

 

I'd let her pursue. If you don't and there is something there she'll think twice about dumping you again. If you want to reignite maybe be available but somewhat aloof.

 

However, you were probably a rebound if she was in a 7 year relationship. They usually don't work out.

 

Good luck

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

So wait until she contacts again?

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trustyourself
Sounds like breadcrumbs. Continue NC and let her reach out to you. Keep your responses short and sweet and to the point. Try not to say anything like, "I miss you too". Nothing that comes off strong or too strong about any feelings you may have for her.

 

Yeah, it might be a little while until i hear from her again, as I might have said I miss you too during the call. That was a silly slip.

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Yeah, it might be a little while until i hear from her again, as I might have said I miss you too during the call. That was a silly slip.

 

A common one. Just be careful. I wouldn't stay in contact with her long if she doesn't make advances. If you do, she'll just use you for emotional support until she finds someone else.

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bubbaganoosh

Can you say "Plan B"? Look. She got pissed at you for the same reason and to me it was a feeble excuse so she could leave so what makes you think that she wont do it the third time.

 

You want to heal? Then stop all contact with her or all you'll do is set yourself up again for another round of trouble. What's worse then getting kicked in the teeth? Using both feet to do it and she will.

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ChatroomHero

It sounds like she looks likes exes more than the current person she is dating.

 

 

In your relationship she waxed poetic on her ex, once you became an ex she is doing the same with you. If you were to continue in a relationship, based on historical evidence it sounds like after a while she would break things off and later feel bad about it.

 

 

Personally I would stay NC and move on. I mean if she rang your doorbell 10 days in a row and when you answered the door she punched you in the stomach, wouldn't you expect a punch in the stomach on day 11 when the doorbell rang?

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trustyourself
Hello guys just needed some insight off you

 

This is part of the process of healing. The only way to successful reconciliation is to forgive and forget the past, as long as you have both grown and shown that these issues will not re-occur in the future.

 

That is why long term reconciliation is quite rare.

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trustyourself
Can you say "Plan B"? Look. She got pissed at you for the same reason and to me it was a feeble excuse so she could leave so what makes you think that she wont do it the third time.

 

You want to heal? Then stop all contact with her or all you'll do is set yourself up again for another round of trouble. What's worse then getting kicked in the teeth? Using both feet to do it and she will.

 

Yes, this is correct. I am NC with her again, and have not heard a wink from her since (two weeks), unless you count her liking some of my Instagram posts.

 

I know I need to heal, and not even think about reconciliation as an option.

 

It sounds like she looks likes exes more than the current person she is dating.

 

 

In your relationship she waxed poetic on her ex, once you became an ex she is doing the same with you. If you were to continue in a relationship, based on historical evidence it sounds like after a while she would break things off and later feel bad about it.

 

 

Personally I would stay NC and move on. I mean if she rang your doorbell 10 days in a row and when you answered the door she punched you in the stomach, wouldn't you expect a punch in the stomach on day 11 when the doorbell rang?

 

She never "waxed poetic", but looking back, it is clear she never resolved and fully moved on from that relationship.

 

I am NC, and I know I should leave it in the past. We both need time to heal and grow and be happy with ourselves. And I certainly should not be living in the hope of reconciliation, as I will just be stuck in place. I deserve better of course.

 

At the end of the day, I just lament that we could have been a really great thing, but she is young and immature, and does not know what she wants.

 

Thanks for your insight.

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Same story different girl...Dude she got involved with her ex, it didn't work out again and here she is. Key part "there is nothing there anymore" meaning she tried again.

 

Not at all that horrible since dating is a time of experiments, could be she found the formula with you was better.....The issue is I don't think she was honest about the breakdown of your relationship, which I'm 99% confident was her guilt for and confusion of dating both you and her ex. Before you allow her close, I would have a conversation about the ex, and what she meant about or how she knows NOW there is nothing left between them.

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trustyourself
Same story different girl...Dude she got involved with her ex, it didn't work out again and here she is. Key part "there is nothing there anymore" meaning she tried again.

 

Not at all that horrible since dating is a time of experiments, could be she found the formula with you was better.....The issue is I don't think she was honest about the breakdown of your relationship, which I'm 99% confident was her guilt for and confusion of dating both you and her ex. Before you allow her close, I would have a conversation about the ex, and what she meant about or how she knows NOW there is nothing left between them.

 

Also, her insists on you having been texting other girls is transferring the guilt of her texting her ex back to you.

 

Yeah, she was pretty honest and said she was going to try with her ex several weeks after our breakup. That is part of the reason I went NC. She is 25. She dated him for seven years from the age of 15 iirc. We met about 3 months after her breakup, but did not officially get into a relationship until about 6 months later.

 

It was her first serious relationship, so of course there is a sentimentality there. I knew when she said she was going to try and rekindle something with him, it would not work. So I said my goodbyes and went NC.

 

I am sure she was probably talking to her Ex in the last month, and I agree that it is just transference when she accused me of texting other girls.

 

Funnily enough, she did not even mention the texting when she phoned. When she got upset, she said the reason it did not work, was because I was not supportive enough with physical affection when she was upset or down. I agree I was not, but part of the issue is her emotional/relationship communication was terrible. She never wanted to talk about what was bothering her. So when she was withdrawn, I would give her space. Silly reaction now that I think about it.

 

Anyway, she is just a confused individual, who needs to grow emotionally, and figure out what she wants. She also needs to be happy with herself, instead of trying to find that happiness in someone else.

 

It just sucks, because we were really good together. Great chemistry, had tons of fun together, physical compatability, a lot in common. A lot of laughter. We just got each other I guess. I miss that.

 

Ugh

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Thanks for the advice.

 

So wait until she contacts again?

Yeah, and then what?

 

I called to say I miss you. - That's pretty selfish, don't you think? Let me expand that thought:

 

I'm feeling a little lonely, and I don't hate you, it just didn't work out. I'm not looking to get back with you or anything, I just have some emotional frustrations to express. Once I express them, I will feel better and then we can go back to our normal no contact, which I will break when I need to express my frustrations and emotions to you again.

 

While you, my friend, really aren't welcome to express your emotions, because the minute you do, you start to become a pest.

 

See how the mechanics of this favor her entirely? You are her emotional toilet, and she's getting rid of her emotions by putting them into you and flushing them out of her existence until the next time she has to do it.

 

There are many better responses to her next call:

 

a) Please don't contact me again.

 

b) Please don't contact me again. I'll contact you when I'm ready.

 

b) Please don't contact me again unless you want to get back together.

 

c) Please don't contact me again until and unless you want to get back together. We'll see how I feel about it then.

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Yeah, and then what?

 

I called to say I miss you. - That's pretty selfish, don't you think? Let me expand that thought:

 

I'm feeling a little lonely, and I don't hate you, it just didn't work out. I'm not looking to get back with you or anything, I just have some emotional frustrations to express. Once I express them, I will feel better and then we can go back to our normal no contact, which I will break when I need to express my frustrations and emotions to you again.

 

While you, my friend, really aren't welcome to express your emotions, because the minute you do, you start to become a pest.

 

See how the mechanics of this favor her entirely? You are her emotional toilet, and she's getting rid of her emotions by putting them into you and flushing them out of her existence until the next time she has to do it.

 

There are many better responses to her next call:

 

a) Please don't contact me again.

 

b) Please don't contact me again. I'll contact you when I'm ready.

 

b) Please don't contact me again unless you want to get back together.

 

c) Please don't contact me again until and unless you want to get back together. We'll see how I feel about it then.

 

Ok, I might be way off base, but normally people don't break down doors to be together. They usually start off with dipping a toe in the water, so to say.

 

Without taking ops story into consideration, the communities advice is often to wait until some vulnerability is displayed. Wouldn't this be considered displaying said vulnerability, or should it be coupled with something more concrete?

 

Now, I do realize that I chased after breadcrumbs for months. Lesson learned, I'm just trying to educate myself.

 

This is precisely why I don't do breakup psychology, and believe in rock solid communication, along with no contact. Lol

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trustyourself
Ok, I might be way off base, but normally people don't break down doors to be together. They usually start off with dipping a toe in the water, so to say.

 

Without taking ops story into consideration, the communities advice is often to wait until some vulnerability is displayed. Wouldn't this be considered displaying said vulnerability, or should it be coupled with something more concrete?

 

This is how they do it though. They want to keep the bait on the hook right?

 

She did not say she made a mistake or want to reconcile. If anything, she said she did not want to see me, but she missed me and she missed my voice.

 

That tells me its just breadcrumbs. And damn do they work. I was so tempted to call her yesterday, I almost caved. I phoned a friend instead, and asked her to tell me why that was a bad idea. She layed it all out.

 

The most important part was that I should not be thinking about reigniting anything right now, as it will keep me stuck in devastation mode.

 

She then told me that even if reconciliation ever happened, it would be a long time from now. And she is right.

-Got to move on.

-Got to realize that is unlikely.

-Got to realize that we both have to work on ourselves A LOT, and let go of the previous negative energy.

 

It all sounds good in practice, but good lord, is it hard to even conceive of healing right now.

 

I am 3 months post BU, and I think about her as much as the first day. But I have to believe I will get there.

 

I went out for drinks on St Paddy's day in a part of town I know she frequents. I spent the whole night terrified I would see her. I should not be thinking that way.

 

I deserve better.

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Yeah, and then what?

 

I called to say I miss you. - That's pretty selfish, don't you think? Let me expand that thought:

 

I'm feeling a little lonely, and I don't hate you, it just didn't work out. I'm not looking to get back with you or anything, I just have some emotional frustrations to express. Once I express them, I will feel better and then we can go back to our normal no contact, which I will break when I need to express my frustrations and emotions to you again.

 

While you, my friend, really aren't welcome to express your emotions, because the minute you do, you start to become a pest.

 

See how the mechanics of this favor her entirely? You are her emotional toilet, and she's getting rid of her emotions by putting them into you and flushing them out of her existence until the next time she has to do it.

 

There are many better responses to her next call:

 

a) Please don't contact me again.

 

b) Please don't contact me again. I'll contact you when I'm ready.

 

b) Please don't contact me again unless you want to get back together.

 

c) Please don't contact me again until and unless you want to get back together. We'll see how I feel about it then.

 

This is essentially what i recently did with my ex. Option C pretty much i just worded it differently. So far, all it did was stop her breadcrumbs. I will say though... there is some comfort in knowing that if i do ever hear from her again, it won't be breadcrumbs. So i dont have to analyze anymore which is exhausting after so many months.

 

Bromeo pretty much did the same, in a way.

 

Perfect communication would be awesome of course but for whatever reason its so rare in this dumper/dumpee dynamic. I have no idea why... anytime i was ever the dumper, i communicated my feelings, thoughts, wants etc as clearly as i possibly could, and made sure my exes felt they could be open too. I wondered if it was a female thing until coming upon LS and realizing men do it too.

 

Cpa is right though, its likely fueled by selfishness. And she will lose respect for you if you keep contact going as a "friend" knowing damn well that you want more.

 

Cut it off and keep NC. I agree that the "knocking down your door" fantasy scenario is pretty much never going to happen, unless the dumper is emotionally unstable. Reconciliations have to start somewhere. But take it from those of us who have been there... it isnt going to start from the breadcrumbs.

 

Keep us updated

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trustyourself
Option C pretty much i just worded it differently. So far, all it did was stop her breadcrumbs.

 

How was the reaction?

 

I have already told her immediately after the breakup that I cant be friends, but if she contacts me again, I will have to re-iterate. Option C will likely be close to what I say.

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How was the reaction?

 

I have already told her immediately after the breakup that I cant be friends, but if she contacts me again, I will have to re-iterate. Option C will likely be close to what I say.

 

Jam and I have similar stories. Mine played games until I thought I'd go crazy. That's what caring for the dumper gets you. It felt like a fever without the sickness. Never again.

 

Mine sent two emails, I waited a week to respond. Then she kicked up her games again. I chose option c, I couldn't take it any longer. And like jam, I still wonder if it was the right thing. But after months, and I mean months of it, I was so cooked, I felt like a crispy critter.

 

Seriously, read my or jams thread. You are better than I was, and have my respect.

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I saw my ex was literally in the deep end and I came back to her (she dumped me). She was playing games sub-conciously. Treated me like we were together (as in she could control me). Tried to get every little piece of information about me that was possible. When she had sad moments, I was there for her. She was SO HAPPY I returned.

 

But wanted a friendship over a relationship. Doesn't matter what an ex says, unless it's "I want to reconcile", don't take any bait.

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How was the reaction?

 

I have already told her immediately after the breakup that I cant be friends, but if she contacts me again, I will have to re-iterate. Option C will likely be close to what I say.

 

The reaction was silence. She did not respond.

 

I was receiving breadcrumbs for 4 months. Eventually, as of a few weeks ago, her contact was getting more and more frequent. Most of the time I ignored everything, but if it was a logistics question I replied with a simple polite and indifferent response like "im good thx". I use the term 'logistics' loosely, because it was very obvious she was grasping at ANYTHING to get me to respond, just asking weird and senseless questions that I never really needed to respond to.

 

She started asking more personal questions eventually... and that got me to finally choose option C. I finally told her, as politely and diplomatically as I could muster, that I'm confused about the contact because it was she who requested hard NC after the breakup... and went on that if there was anything behind the communication to let me know, and, if not, then to please refrain from contacting me, as I wasn't interested in chitchat.

 

But yea, this got the breadcrumbs to completely stop, and she hasn't sent anything since. I basically wanted her to just cut to the chase, and spit it out. It was odd that she was giving me all these breadcrumbs, months and months after breaking up. Eventually you get to a point where you are just tired of them, and they are holding you back from moving on. I wanted her to speak the truth or just leave me alone. Her silence kind of says it all - I'm assuming it means she was never interested in reconciling in the first place. Like Cpa said, she was likely after some sort of comfort from knowing I was still there, talking to her - an ego thing.

 

The crumbs stopped but I do wonder if I would have continued ignoring, if it would have caused her to "crack" and eventually come back. But it's all speculation. End of the day - I'm a adult and a professional, I don't play high school games with exes. It's just not my thing. I'm an open and direct person. I value communication and honesty, and I would much rather confront a problem than hide from it. If someone can't have an adult conversation with me, exgf or not, then I'm not going to play their games. That's how I ultimately feel.

 

Maybe it caused her to pull away. Maybe she respects me more. Maybe she respects me less for "giving in" and responding. Who knows. But at least I can be happy with myself that I was man enough to stand up to her and ask her to come clean or cut contact in a civil way.

 

After learning from this forum, my ex was probably BPD, and that also might have been at play there. Not every ex is the same or will react the same way. But I think, pretty universally, you should either ignore or ask her to stop.. I would NOT choose to keep comminicating and being her emotional doormat and "friend", that will hurt you more than it will help you.

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Ok, I might be way off base, but normally people don't break down doors to be together. They usually start off with dipping a toe in the water, so to say.
I think dumpees break down doors quite frequently. Dumpers, probably not so much, and that makes sense, if you think about it.

 

To your point, no, not many are straightforward about what they want. This may be because they're not absolutely sure of what they want, rather than some timidity about going for it. In my various roles as dumper, I've never wanted to get back together, so it's impossible for me to say how I might go about it. That said, I have to believe I'd be coming from a position of strength, and even if I had to do some convincing, I'd probably feel like I had the upper hand. After all, I'd started the whole mess. :D

 

My guess is that the dumper has generally dumped for a reason, and therefore, no matter how much remorse they feel, or how much second-guessing is going on, deep down inside, they cannot forget WHY they dumped in the first place. They may indeed forget it long enough to be back together for a little while, but I have to believe that in the end, they remember. Right after that, they repeat.

 

Nothing but heartbreak city for a dumpee that doesn't move on. The cruelest dumpers, the blindsiders you never see again? They are actually the most merciful in the long run.

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The reaction was silence. She did not respond.

 

I was receiving breadcrumbs for 4 months. Eventually, as of a few weeks ago, her contact was getting more and more frequent. Most of the time I ignored everything, but if it was a logistics question I replied with a simple polite and indifferent response like "im good thx". I use the term 'logistics' loosely, because it was very obvious she was grasping at ANYTHING to get me to respond, just asking weird and senseless questions that I never really needed to respond to.

 

She started asking more personal questions eventually... and that got me to finally choose option C. I finally told her, as politely and diplomatically as I could muster, that I'm confused about the contact because it was she who requested hard NC after the breakup... and went on that if there was anything behind the communication to let me know, and, if not, then to please refrain from contacting me, as I wasn't interested in chitchat.

 

But yea, this got the breadcrumbs to completely stop, and she hasn't sent anything since. I basically wanted her to just cut to the chase, and spit it out. It was odd that she was giving me all these breadcrumbs, months and months after breaking up. Eventually you get to a point where you are just tired of them, and they are holding you back from moving on. I wanted her to speak the truth or just leave me alone. Her silence kind of says it all - I'm assuming it means she was never interested in reconciling in the first place. Like Cpa said, she was likely after some sort of comfort from knowing I was still there, talking to her - an ego thing.

 

The crumbs stopped but I do wonder if I would have continued ignoring, if it would have caused her to "crack" and eventually come back. But it's all speculation. End of the day - I'm a adult and a professional, I don't play high school games with exes. It's just not my thing. I'm an open and direct person. I value communication and honesty, and I would much rather confront a problem than hide from it. If someone can't have an adult conversation with me, exgf or not, then I'm not going to play their games. That's how I ultimately feel.

 

Maybe it caused her to pull away. Maybe she respects me more. Maybe she respects me less for "giving in" and responding. Who knows. But at least I can be happy with myself that I was man enough to stand up to her and ask her to come clean or cut contact in a civil way.

 

After learning from this forum, my ex was probably BPD, and that also might have been at play there. Not every ex is the same or will react the same way. But I think, pretty universally, you should either ignore or ask her to stop.. I would NOT choose to keep comminicating and being her emotional doormat and "friend", that will hurt you more than it will help you.

 

This echoes my point. I don't play high school games. I don't do simmering, icing, or anything else, which is why when I received it I was so torn up. Lets just openly communicate one way or another. Healthier for both people, whichever direction it goes.

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This echoes my point. I don't play high school games. I don't do simmering, icing, or anything else, which is why when I received it I was so torn up. Lets just openly communicate one way or another. Healthier for both people, whichever direction it goes.

 

Tbh i never thought my ex was the "game player " type, never ever would have thought that. Sometimes i really dont think its even conscious... i think its subconsious, and maybe a standard reaction in the world of human mating psychology. I dont think they even know they are doing it, and i dont think they even think about it like that. Its just a standard reaction to NC it seems like.

 

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that, outside of Loveshack, the NC concept isnt really common knowlege. Most people dont do NC. Most dumpees chase, stay in contact, be "friends", be a doormat, or beg until they are hated by the dumper. When you go NC, i actually believe its likely the first time it's ever happened to the dumper, and they are very confused and thrown off by it. I think that's what gets to them, and what gets them to start sending breadcrumbs. As soon as you break NC, they disappear again, and the allure is gone. That's my guess.

 

I am still conflicted as to whether what Bromeo and I did were even the right moves, and if we should have just stuck it out and played the ignore game for longer. Like i said before, my personal belief is that we showed strength, independence and maturity by "cutting the cord" and telling them to stop contact. But, the perspective of a dumper is unknown.

 

I often think "i was strong, i showed i wasnt going to be her doormat, i stood up to her, i displayed my value, etc"... but if that is the case... where the hell is the dumper? If i was as strong, sexy and assertive as i thought i was... why didnt she come running back?? It makes me think she didn't take it that way at all. Maybe she took it like im butthurt still. Maybe she thinks im being unreasonable. Maybe she thinks its a charade and im not really as strong as i appear. I dont know. That's why i still wonder if i made the right move.

 

I dont high school games, and i won't play them, but i do wonder if that playing them is truly the only way to get back together with an ex. What if that is just the way it is? What if reconciliation is impossible without gaming the dumper

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