Hoping for the Hopeless

[LoveStinks8]

Wow. So I'm in a messy situation and I need some advice on how to handle it.

 

Rewind 2 years. I meet this guy at a new job and fall in love with him. He's at the end of his relationship and breaks up with her in the first week of my knowing him. I'm fresh out of a long term relationship as well. Recipe for disaster? I think so. Rebound at its finest, until we actually fell in love. It started off with being roommates, I was new to the area, he couldn't afford the house alone, and suddenly it was more. After 3 months and without any sort of warning he tells me I should find a new place, and gets back with his ex.

 

So I'm devastated and seeing him at work daily is destroying me. We both very clearly still have a lot of feelings for each other and he says he never thought it was possible to be in love with two people until now. After his being back with his ex for a couple months they break up again and he ends up on my couch because she's still at their house. Yep, I know what a mistake this is but I do it anyways. We spend another few months together, very happily and without issues, but then he says it isn't fair to me for him to be with me until he's spent some time alone, healed, and done the things he needs to do. So he takes some time on his own and things are going well, he's deleted her number and has no contact, and he and I are friends at work and only chat a little outside of the job. Then suddenly he finds out that they have to file their taxes together due to the house they "live" in together. He goes to the tax appointment and she apparently breaks down and begs him to come back. He says no but "feels bad" and spends a little time with her over the next few weeks and suddenly they're back together.

 

The next few months are rough. He tells me he loves me but doesn't know how to let go of her, that he wishes they could just be friends but it's complicated and he doesn't know how to get from point a to point b. He continuously tells me I'm better off without him, that I deserve better, that I should find someone who isn't so "unstable" as him, etc etc. Not saying he doesn't obviously have a good point, but the heart is an evil creature.

 

After a few months of utter disaster of us being in love and him with another woman and saying that he'll just destroy me and I don't deserve it, they break up again. This time we decide to be smart about it and not repeat the cycle. So far so good this time. We are friends but we do not fall back into the trap. About a week after their split I get a promotion at work... The one he'd been hoping for. I didnt do anything to try to get it, it's just something that happened, and before I had a chance to think about it he lost it. I get it, right or wrong, he felt like everything was against him and he ended up reacting in a manner that saw him fired. He claims he felt like that was the point where he realized he could try in life but wasn't going to get anywhere so he went back with her and "accepted it"

 

What gets me is that we're about a year into this bull crap now and at no point has he said he wants to actually be with her, he says that he loves her but more like an old friend and he's only with her because he doesn't know how to get clear of it. That the feelings aren't there, he doesn't know why he's with her, a whole bunch of stuff. This is a new concept for me. In my world if you love someone you try to be with them, if you don't love them than you accept it. I guess I'm naive that way.

 

So we didn't talk for 3 months. We tried once but he blamed me for his being fired even though he did it to himself out of jealousy for the position I hadn't even accepted. So ding, incoming message on Facebook. I haven't seen him, talked to him, looked at his social media, anything. I am, however, still sad about him. I was spending time with another guy who was a sweetheart but wasn't going to work out because he didn't want to live in our area anymore and I didn't want to move. However we had fun together but I couldn't understand why I couldn't get my mind off of my ex. I had absolutely no intentions of ever getting back with him again. I was sad, but I had accepted it.

 

So yeah, this Facebook message. Basically it was a sorry I'm a jerk, I overreacted, can we talk? I agreed but very superficially because I didn't want even a friendship with him, just to patch up the bad blood. He was still with his ex at this point. We met up in a public area and chatted for a bit. He admitted that he still didn't love his ex, that he had no clue what he was doing, that he knew he needed emotional/mental help, but that he didn't know where to start. I basically said hey I'm sorry to hear that. I wish you the best. I thought it was finally over. Boy am I a sucker for punishment.

 

He messaged me a week later to ask a general question. I answered it and he asked if I still had a blanket in my car and if he could borrow it. It was late on a weekday evening and I was working. I said sure but why, I mean what a strange question. He claimed that things were terrible at home, and that he just didn't want to go home anymore so he was going to sleep in his car. So he did, he slept in his car for a week and went home for food and to shower when she wasn't home.

 

Now incase you haven't figured it out yet, he isn't emotionally stable and he really needs some help. His depression progressed into pretty clear suicidal thinking and he started with the I'm sorry, I hope some day you'll forgive me, you have to understand that you've always been better off without me, this world is, kind of stuff. I panicked and tracked him down by driving out to his favorite places one by one until I found him. I still loved the guy and he was so upset. I held him while he cried into the wee hours of the morning while he bared his soul. I finally understood that he didn't do this all out of malice and that he was an extremely damaged, confused and very ill person. I went to see him where he was parking the car for a few nights, nothing even remotely romantic happened, I just wanted to comfort someone I cared for. Then one night it was storming and cold and I told him that he had two choices, I would either pay for a hotel room for him or he could sleep on my couch but there was no way he was sleeping in that cold car. He came to my house, genuinely slept on my couch, and the only physical contact we had was when I woke up in the middle of the night to him crying and went out to hold him until he fell asleep again.

 

His girlfriend had apparently been driving around every day trying to find out where he was staying (regardless of all of this their relationship doesn't seem to have ever been great and she literally has no idea where his favorite places even are) but she knew who I was and where I lived and this morning his car was at my house when she drove by. She absolutely entirely lost her mind and they ended up officially breaking up, again. He slept in their shed until she moved out.

 

This time it seemed like it was over, he wasn't upset like he had been before, he just accepted it. To self diagnose someone here, I'm pretty sure he's bipolar or something similar. He and I stayed friends for a few weeks but old habits die hard and we ended up "together" again. As usual it was a few months and he said he really needed to stop this cycle and figure himself out so that he could stop hurting me and hopefully once he sought out some professional help then we could actually be together for real this time. I accepted it, I mean I wasn't surprised considering the past, and went about my daily life but I missed him.

 

He ended up with his ex, again. When I sort of said wtf he said I really don't know. I was drinking and she was texting me upset and then all of a sudden she thinks we're back together and I don't know how to say no, and I don't know what is happening or what I'm doing. I'm furious, although not surprised, and say enough is enough. I am done, goodbye.

 

I make it a little over a month, and then I get the Facebook message. The one that says I don't know what to do anymore, I constantly think about you. I can't even look her in the eye because I'm thinking about you. But he doesn't want to be with me because he says he knows he's pretty screwed up in the head and he needs a lot of help and he doesn't want to mess me up worse than he already has. He swears that he's never felt this way to the point that he cares about someone so much he'd rather just not be with them than hurt them. I'm kind of ticked for two reasons. I mean I had just started healing again and here he is knocking on my virtual door, plus although his ex/gf isn't my favorite person for obvious reasons, I don't think it's fair to live a lie when you swear that you can't even look into her eyes without thinking about someone else but you "tell her you love her because it's easier than going through another breakup" and if that's true then wow, I never want to be a girl in her unknowing position.

 

So we chat a bit, he goes on about how he loves me but can't be with me because he has a lot of things to figure out for himself before he can ever love someone and want to be with him. I get it, even if it hurts. Anyways we meet up once, this would have been a week ago, and we spend a couple of hours bearing our souls and such. We love each other, that much is true, but he's clearly extremely extremely messed up and really has a LOT of work to do so it kind of gets left at that... At we can't be together, but maybe in the future when I figure myself out and get counselling and maybe medication and I straighten this mess of my life out then our love will bring us back together.

 

He admits that he has serious commitment issues, that he doesn't like closing chapters, that the word never again terrifies him, along with a lot of other personal things I'd never share online, even anonymously. This is huuge progress. Huge progress and that is my problem.

 

At this point I've accepted that he's not getting the help he needs, that this cycle will inevitably continue, that I need to accept it as an impossibility... Except now he's getting help. Real help.

 

Why hello heart, you life destroying bugger, why don't you share your opinion? Okay, so now I'm thinking about the stupid what ifs that ruin my day every time.

 

A couple of days ago his ex/gf thought she caught us together (she didn't, I wasn't even in the same county at the time) and lost it. This losing it involved threatening me. Okay, I'm out, not worth the craziness. So I tell him as much and ask him to stop talking to me until he has done a lot of soul searching and been in some more counselling.

 

Radio silence, and that brings me to today. Three days of no contact and although we haven't actually been together for nearly 5 months, it somehow hurts like we just broke up. I don't know what to do because my heart is fighting my head. I'm scared and confused and oh so hopelessly in love with this disaster of a man. I know that I need to let go and let time heal and let the universe or whatever figure this out for me, but that's what I'm so scared of. I have other, very nice and seemingly great potential guys knocking at the door now, but I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

So here's the logical side of me: My "love" has a lot a lot a lotttt of work to do on himself and his life. Potentially years of work, and there's no telling where it will end. Maybe he'll fall magically back in love with his ex and live happily ever after, maybe he'll move away and start a new life, maybe he'll realize he's over me and never give me a second thought again, or maybe... Just maybe...

 

Incoming illogical heart: Maybe he will spend his days solidly working on progressing himself and getting the help he has needed for so long. Maybe he will come back in an undetermined period of time on his knees professing his undying love to me. Maybe I will fall into his arms and we will finally have our happily ever after. Dramatic, I know, but hasn't this whole story been dramatic in its own eye rolling kind of way?

 

So that's where I'm at. My heart wants to wait and see. My heart knows that even if another man treats me like gold, if that ex comes back any time soon I will drop them like a sack of potatoes so I can go potentially self destruct again. I don't think it's fair to risk a guys feelings like that... But I don't know what to do. I'm so upset and I miss him so much that I have cried whenever I'm not entirely busy, and I have even thrown up a few times. I've never felt so passionately about someone before... But is waiting as hopeless as my brain says it is, or as hopeful as my heart wants it to be?!?! Someone give me their cold hard advice, please. This internal battle is killing me.

[NTV]

You're waiting it out for a guy who is not worth anything. Transferring emotions from your long term relationship to the rebound one is common. That's the problem with rebounds.

 

There is nothing wrong with being single. Have you thought about doing that for a while? 6 months or so?

[spiderowl]

Wow, I can see why you are struggling with this. Your heart is dragging you downwards and you know it. It's really hard. You have a kind heart and want to help this guy who is clearly pulling on your heart strings. You know this is going to carry on and on and is unlikely to get better for a long time - if ever. You can't keep putting yourself through this.

 

You know the only way is genuine no-contact. I can't tell you what to do about your heart because that is going to hurt for a long time. If feelings are there, they don't just disappear, but feelings are not rational. Hopefully, with time, you will feel at a deeper level how impossible this situation is. Ironically, the drama may be part of its appeal, keeping you interested. Normal people might seem boring in comparison. This drama is just going to hurt and hurt. I cannot see any way it is going to get better because this guy wants it all and yet can't cope.

 

You need to cut him off. Yes, there is a risk of suicide here, definitely, and I would want to make sure he had counselling help available to him even if he didn't take it up, but you have to protect yourself. He is a walking heartbreaker and that is not going to change.

Edited March 26, 2017 by spiderowl

[EmilyJane]

He doesn't feel anything for you either.

 

Both you and she are self medication.

 

By helping him you are not actually helping him at all.

 

Cut him lose. Cut off his safety cord which is you.

 

Then he might hit rock bottom enough to get help.

 

That is actually the most loving thing you can do.

 

For you and him.

 

 

I guarantee you there are other women and some sort of substance abuse.

 

This pattern of his is well practiced. You cannot help him and I think you are using them as an excuse. He is not your child and he was never actually even your exclusive partner.

 

You will get over him and stop loving him. But not if you keep using his problems as a reason to stay emotionally invested instead of doing the harder thing of moving the hell on with extremely firm boundaries.