Curious: How many of you have (or heard about others) gone NC and got back with ex?

[foofightingguy]

As title.

 

I am curious as to how many of you have (or heard about others) gone NC and got back with ex bf/gf?

 

How long was the NC?

Who broke NC?

 

How is/was the relationship after getting back together? Healthy? Trust issues?

[basil67]

Absolutely none.

[NopeNah]

Several times... They ALL ended much worse than the previous. When someone leaves you, they have reasons and have thought about it. When/if they come back to you, the reasons are still in the back of their mind. They're being selfish , got lonely, things didn't workout with their plan A,ect.. But, they're using you until something else brings back that reason they left for the first time.

 

I'll also add...walking on eggshells with the hopes they won't leave you again is no way to live. I'd rather spend my entire life single than do that again!

[Wishes23]

As title.

 

I am curious as to how many of you have (or heard about others) gone NC and got back with ex bf/gf?

 

How long was the NC?

Who broke NC?

 

How is/was the relationship after getting back together? Healthy? Trust issues?

 

I have been on both sides of NC. One time on the flip side of that, I broke up with a woman that I dated for two years and felt guilty about the breakup and started to second guess myself. She went NC. I most likely wouldn't have gotten back together with her if she hadn't gone NC, but when she contacted me randomly 6 months later I had completely moved on. It was 100% over at that point and there was no reason to try again.

 

I think NC is just for moving on. It doesn't lure people back.

[foofightingguy]

I completely understand, and I am not promoting using NC to try to get ex back.

 

I was just curious how many have been broken up, gone NC to heal, and the dumper had regrets and came back to reconcile. Considering the relationship was not toxic nor was cheating/lying involved, the dumpee decided to give it another chance.

[Altair0770]

This question has been asked a billion times before, and everyone answers it differently because every single situation is unique and it all comes down to two things - the dumper and the dumpee.

 

My best friend had a relationship for like 2 weeks with a girl in high school. He tried to kiss her, and she turned her cheek and realized she wasn't into him. He didn't get over that for a year. I doubt at the time he knew what the NC rule was, but there wasn't contact at all besides random updates about each other from mutual friends.

 

He eventually went on to date some other girl, and lost his virginity to her. At one point she was just far more into him than he was into her. Eventually his first ex came back into town and started hanging out with me. I told him about it (having thought he was over her. It was 2 years later) and he started acting bothered by it. I then noticed his girlfriend at the time becoming more clingy and needy. At one point his ex invited me to hangout where alcohol was involved. She asked me to invite him over too. So I did, but he showed up later.

 

I didn't want to drink because I thought his ex was extremely attractive, and he knew that. So I told him I didn't want any alcohol to get stupid. He thanked me for it, and showed up and we played beer pong.

 

After that I went to his house (the next day) and she was there hanging out. We all talked for a bit. I left. They both then contacted me about each other, trying to get information. I was like, "uhh idk". And then apparently she left and texted him, "damn I was hoping for some sex".

 

Needless to say he broke up with his current girlfriend. I'd say that's cruel but she did have a lot of clingy issues. Can't say I blame her because obviously he was into his ex that returned. But she also gave too much PDA and he didn't like that, along with other issues. They had some sex and he asked her to be his girlfriend again. So they did.

 

They dated for like 2-3 years, but she really wanted to get married and went too fast. They got engaged and moved to Canada for school. However, problems quickly rose up. She couldn't keep a job and had no issues just walking out on them. Has a huge taker personality and I think judgemental friends from his school up there convinced him to break it off.

 

So, he spent a year trying to get over his ex, and when she returned he still wasn't over her, and after 3 years of dating and getting engaged he dumped her.

 

I do think both of them still love each other, but I think he also wants someone more mature. I love both of them, but I do see his concerns. When he left to finish school while she stayed down here at home, she hung out with me a lot, and I quickly got annoyed by those issues. Taker personalities are dangerous. This was about 5-6 years ago. She recently is going through a breakup again, but they both are in contact. However, he's my best friend, and she's like a sister to me, and I think they both just want to be good friends at this point and not get back together after all the hurt. Plus she hasn't changed at all. Still irresponsible with money, and has no job and asks me if I can lend her money all the time. I eventually decided not to be an enabler.

 

 

So - to answer your question I'd say no I personally haven't. Does it happen? Absolutely. All I can say is you'll get people that have had it work and others who haven't. The main thing is either you have to change in your NC if you're the one that had the issues or your ex does. For me, I'm the dumpee, but I don't want to change nor do I need to. My situation is MUCH different because my ex has PTSD and is very immature. Not ready for a relationship at all, and seeing that relationships are a huge trigger for her, her being in one will heavily hold her back on her recovering. I'm using NC until she learns that she can't do relationships right now. Unfortunately she gets them online where everything is behind a screen, and the second it becomes real she gets triggered and breaks their heart. Tried to warn people but... unfortunately people underestimate PTSD.

 

Fact of the matter is this - use NC to heal. MAYBE they will come back. I do believe a vast majority of exes do come back in one way or another. Just completely radio silence them. Make it so they can know nothing about you and do everything you can to HEAL. Meet new people. Hit the gym. Read a book. Write. Hangout with friends. All that good stuff. Don't try to impress your ex if you think she is spying on you or something like that. Just do what you can for yourself. If they have ANY tabs on you, they'll notice if you truly changed for the better, and might spark interest. Not always for reconciliation, but at a certain point you won't care at all about getting back together with them or not. If they try to, as someone already posted, you may be over them by then and have no interest. Or you may have some interest. Fact is the power is then in your hands.

 

NC won't bring an ex back to come begging to have you back. But if the relationhip meant anything to them, and you didn't hurt them, chances are they will come back to at least catch a sniff. Normally it's about what happens to them when you disappear. There isn't anything you can do. So although you may truthfully wish them the best, unfortunately the best case scenario for you if you want to reconcile is for them to go through complete hell and realize you were the best thing for them.

Edited March 16, 2017 by Altair0770

[elaine567]

Huge difference between hearing from the dumper again and the dumper making a serious attempt to reconcile.

 

The former is very, very common, the latter is very, very rare.

 

Dumpers often reach out later as they think the coast is clear. They think they can be your friend, they think they can take all the emotion out and just hang out, or even hook up and it all means nothing.

The romance is gone and it its place is some NSA/platonic arrangement where you can both be "adult" about the whole thing.

 

BUT the dumpee is usually nowhere near that level of detachment.

The dumpee wants more and sees this reaching out as "proof" the dumper regrets their decision, the dumper truly loves them.

They are then sorely disappointed to find the dumper only wants an ego boost, a shoulder to cry on, a friend or a friend with benefits... and the hurt starts up all over again.

 

There is no ongoing love story in the mind of most dumpers. They ended that chapter of their lives and dumped you to see other people.

The ongoing love story is usually only in the mind of the dumpee, realise that and do not try and project all the love YOU feel onto the dumper.

 

(Also be aware of the "I want what I cannot have" syndrome.

YOU are happily getting on with your life, your dumper turns up professing love and when you finally decide to recommit, they dump you again...)

[jamili]

Huge difference between hearing from the dumper again and the dumper making a serious attempt to reconcile.

 

The former is very, very common, the latter is very, very rare.

 

Dumpers often reach out later as they think the coast is clear. They think they can be your friend, they think they can take all the emotion out and just hang out, or even hook up and it all means nothing.

The romance is gone and it its place is some NSA/platonic arrangement where you can both be "adult" about the whole thing.

 

BUT the dumpee is usually nowhere near that level of detachment.

The dumpee wants more and sees this reaching out as "proof" the dumper regrets their decision, the dumper truly loves them.

They are then sorely disappointed to find the dumper only wants an ego boost, a shoulder to cry on, a friend or a friend with benefits... and the hurt starts up all over again.

 

There is no ongoing love story in the mind of most dumpers. They ended that chapter of their lives and dumped you to see other people.

The ongoing love story is usually only in the mind of the dumpee, realise that and do not try and project all the love YOU feel onto the dumper.

 

(Also be aware of the "I want what I cannot have" syndrome.

YOU are happily getting on with your life, your dumper turns up professing love and when you finally decide to recommit, they dump you again...)

 

100% spot on post here.

 

I think keeping hard NC will most likely get them to start conacting you again, but whether or not they have any intentions of getting back with you is a completely different thing. Most reconciliations seem to take place years in the future, when both parties are conpletely movedon, grown as people, and at different points in their life. At that point NC isnt even a conscious effort, the two people just grew completely apart and basically forgot about each other. I think this is the only time you see siccessful reconciliations.

[Nogan]

My dad dumped up with my mother multiple times and they wound up getting married and stayed that way for over 20 years. But it was a bad relationship and she wound up divorcing him.

 

Honestly, I feel bad for her. She thought that her love could solve their issues, but learned the hard way that change comes from within. My dad was selfish and stayed that way.

 

I think there are rare instances when things didn't work for certain reasons that might be rectified later. Maybe the person was going through a tough time and was confused. Or distance was involved but then rectified itself. Whatever the reason, the person who dumped the other has to be the one to come forward and truly believe that there was something worth salvaging. And as the one who got left, you have to decide if you can trust them again.

[Jatli]

My ex and I were apart for 15 months this and pretty much NC for all of it.

 

We have now been back together for almost 2 years and it's been really good.

 

There was no real trust issues but it has been a different relationship. I would say he contacted me first.

 

It was strange at first and I was a little apprehensive but we are in a good place now and we grow closer everyday

[Quiet Storms]

It depends on why the relationship ended.

 

If it was a bad relationship, not sure why anyone would want a rinse and repeat.

 

If someone didn't want to be with you, or cheated on you (or both), then let them go.

[DumpedGuy9617]

I think it is very subjective. I have never been dumped and had someone take me back...I have dumped people and regretted it. It depends on a lot of things. It is probably rare, and probably usually doesn't end up becoming something long term. If people break up, there is usually a reason, even if you don't understand what it is. There is a girl that broke it off with me I think will come crawling back....the question you ask yourself then, is that person worth going through the pain of a break up again? Someone said it well above; if someone breaks it off with you it causes a rift. Even if you try not to let it, you will be paranoid they are going to break it off again, at least until enough time has passed to gain back trust. If this girl does come back, it will be a tough decision for me.

[d0nnivain]

My college roommate & her husband of 25+ years defied all sorts of odds. There were high school sweethearts. They broke up senior year of college after being in an LDR (PA to Montana) for all of college because he wanted "see what else was out there." She stopped talking to him & dated other guys. I don't think it was total NC because his sister was one of her BFFs & their families live on the same block back home. He came crawling back about 2 years & she eventually forgave him but she certainly didn't make it easy. As I said, they have been married for 25 years & have 2 great kids.

[SpecialJ]

I know two couples who have been through this (well, more than two couples who have reconciled, but specifically two that I know full details about what happened and they definitely had a period of no contact). One couple was NC for six months and now are married. She says they'd never have gotten back together if she didn't take that time. The other couple was apart for a few years after a really nasty breakup and failed reconciliation attempt that kept them in contact for months. Then they went NC for a year, happened to run into each other totally unexpectedly, and got back together as a result and have since moved in together. She went through a lot of changes during NC and the timing was just right for her this time, though they still occasionally have some of the same arguments they had the first time around. I think the married couple wasn't thinking about getting back together during NC. The other couple had never given up hope but needed a lot of time to heal from the damage and let go of the first version of their relationship.

 

I've never personally had an ex boyfriend come back for more than a booty call attempt, though I've had a couple guys who I'd gone out with 1 to 4 times suddenly come back years later after seeing me somewhere (I declined actually rekindling things in all of these cases).

[jorgeg3d]

I think part of the reason why people don't reconcile fully from a breakup, after getting back together is because they don't work on the initial problems that were there to begin with, or in other cases they just didn't spend the time to work on themselves.

 

Part of breaking up a relationship is having a retrospective mindset to be able to look at the things that went wrong and how you can change or at least understand how to not allow it to happen again. So you don't make the same mistakes with others, or your ex.

 

Many people don't take that time and energy to do that.