How to reconcile?

[ranaak]

I broke off a 3 year relationship about 3 months ago. Directly after, we had some communication through emails, I told her I'd respect her space. Since then no contact.

 

I've made a decision to attempt to reconcile, but I don't know where to start.

I don't know if she's moved on, dating or in a new relationship.

 

Do I call her up? Text? Try to meet up? What do I even say? Obviously I wish I wouldn't have broken up with her.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Sweetfish]

I broke off a 3 year relationship about 3 months ago. Directly after, we had some communication through emails, I told her I'd respect her space. Since then no contact.

 

I've made a decision to attempt to reconcile, but I don't know where to start.

I don't know if she's moved on, dating or in a new relationship.

 

Do I call her up? Text? Try to meet up? What do I even say? Obviously I wish I wouldn't have broken up with her.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

You need to give us more detail than that.... to get advice

[Altair0770]

Yeah you're going to have to go into further detail. Normally to re-initiate contact the best option I've found is to ask a question she would know the answer to and likely only her. That's about the only thing you should ever take from those "how to get your ex back" bullcrap.

[Purepony]

I'd say move on unless she's contacted you

If she hasn't don't bother she either moved on or is seeing someone this just happened to me

We broke up the first week of January and I went to see her this Friday and she told me she's dating and seeing someone

I wished her luck but was blown away by how fast she could get over 6 years ... so I said "well maybe you'll find someone who loves you more than me " and left

[ranaak]

Ok details, well I'm 33 she's 27, both students. We took a mutual break, although I was the one who originally brought the idea up. I know that after about a month she told me she had some interest in another dude. We exchanged emai a few times, both of us probably hurt and confused, nothing really came of it. At one point I apologized for my part in the breakup, probably sounded a bit needy, and probably would have been better off not sending it.

 

It's been three months, NC except for one text I sent congratulating her on a project about 2 months ago (a month after breakup. She didn't reply.)

 

 

I've made more changes in my life in past 3 months than at any other time in my life, for me. I also realize I miss her, and things were better with her. This isn't a case of dumper's remorse, it's me growing as a person, and making as objective a decision as possible given the circumstances, that I want to try to reconcile. I checked her FB page about a week ago, her relationship status said single. ( I know that counts against NC, but felt I needed to at least see if she was in a relationship before proceeding, I would respect her space if she was in a relationship)

 

I just don't know what to do. NC seems to have served its purpose for me, in bettering myself and clearing my head. I feel like trying to reach out and at least getting back into her life in some degree is the only option.

I've read a lot of the forums here, and there is ALOT of proponents of strict NC, but I don't know at this point what that would accomplish other than increase the distance between us.

 

Thoughts , advice?

[ranaak]

I should also add, I fully expect the possibility she is dating, but I have no idea of knowing if she is or how serious it would be.I would probably be dating, but just been too busy. I'm not looking to meet up with her and desperately saying "hey lets get back together" more of a cool relaxed time, and see where that leads, opening the door to dating again if she wants.

 

Thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

Well, since you both characterized it as a break with the expectation that you might change your minds & reconcile reach out. You have nothing to lose.

 

 

Before you do make sure you can handle whatever she did while you were apart. You can't go being all upset if she dated or even slept with somebody else over this past 3 months.

 

 

If she is willing to talk to you & see you, meet her & talk. If she says yes to getting back together do something romantic for her: Nice candlelit dinner & maybe send some flowers.

 

 

You broke this so you have to work to fix it.

[dumbass2]

IF you do reach out, you try once and once only. You make it short and sweet, not lengthy saying everything you want to say. You're just trying to get her to the table so to speak. If you get no reply, then that's that. No response tells you all you need to know. You're going to try and contact her and then be waiting and waiting hoping for a response. Every call or text you get you will hope it's her. It's gonna eat at you for while if you try it.

[ranaak]

Thanks yall,

good advice and pretty much what I plan.

 

I guess I was looking for a bit more specific advice, in what to say to her, assuming we meet up.

 

I either tell her I'm interested in want to reconcile, putting cards on the table, or 'play it cool' and see how she responds.

 

Both approaches have risks involved. Namely, putting my cards on the table is more honest, but leaves me with no cards left to play. Moreover, I understand the inadequacy of attempting to convey 'how much I've changed' in words.

 

Playing it cool gives me some leverage for later, but she won't know if I'm wanting to pursue a new relationship.Which almost compromises the point of meeting up. Don't really want to get friendzoned here.

 

 

Which approach yall recommend and why?

[d0nnivain]

Do you want to reconcile or do you want to play power games? All this talk about leverage makes me think you are about saving face. While I can understand the desire, it's the wrong approach here.

 

 

Don't bash her over the head with what you want but you do have to make it a low risk proposition for her. remember you are the one who initiated this break because you wanted to do whatever it was that you wanted to do & now you want her back. From her perspective you acted like she & the relationship were disposable. How is she supposed to trust that you won't dump her again?

 

 

She eventually revealed her willingness to split because she was interested in another dude. She clearly knows she has options.

 

 

Gage what's she thinking but if it appears positive I think you have to make the 1st move to go all in because you were the instigator of the split.

[aileD]

Hey,

I hope you're doing well. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I was wondering if you'd like to get a coffee and talk a little. If not, I completely understand and will respect your feelings. You've been on my mind a lot and if I don't know anything about your life right now but if there's any chance at us reconnecting, I'd love to talk about it with you.

[lolablue17]

I'm not looking to meet up with her and desperately saying "hey lets get back together" more of a cool relaxed time, and see where that leads, opening the door to dating again if she wants.

 

Well, I think this "cool relaxed time" is the wrong way. You initiated the break up. Now if you miss her and want her back you should be very clear about it, say you miss her bla bla bla... You should put all your cards with a one round game. This is how she will know you're serious, and this is how you minimize this stage to a very short period of time. Yes, yes, No no, and that's it.

[todreaminblue]

with any reconciliation truth exists where you leave the games behind....be upfront..be honest..be true...and say what you mean...no ambiguity...time for ambiguity to save face is gone....now...you be honest ...next time stuff the games..do the honesty thing.....it works far better in reaching a positive outcome..for both ....even if its no....at least its true.......deb

[Sweetfish]

I don't recommend the approach of just talking to her.. you still have not explained WHY you broke up the relationship.

 

So your taking BLIND advice...

 

What exactly happened?

[ranaak]

Thanks for the thoughts yall.

 

I've been thinkin about what yall said ,I guess my flip flopping on how to approach the situation , being completely sincere, or holding some back mostly because I don't know where she is mentally or emotionally, and have no way of knowing. Obviously if we were to meet up and I find out she's seeing someone else, it wouldn't be right for me to intrude. But I mean, that's not something I can ask without looking like a needy tool to her right? She probably give me that line about only wanting her back since she's moved on. Ughh! I know I'm overthinking it.

 

Sweetfish, the reason we broke it off was "incompatibilities" This was probably more of a mutual code word that we were both tired of each others crap. We had both gone through a lot of stress for the past 3 months before BU, and stupid things just caught up. In all relationships you're gonna have problems, the point is working through them, I feel like I gave up on her, instead of sticking it out and working through things. At the time it felt like the right idea. Now I realize that our the good far outweighed the bad.

[ranaak]

I'm alright with staying in NC. Its just at this point, I'm not sure I see the benefits versus 'giving it a shot'. I will also add the last communication she had with me was an email reply. She wasn't very happy, she was mad about an email I sent which was meant to be apologetic. She said something like "this is too much.". This was a few weeks after the initial breakup. I've been respecting her space and haven't contacted her since.

 

Just trying to decide which leads to a better chance, going on with my life, seeing if she contacts me, or taking initiative.

Edited March 17, 2017 by ranaak

[SpecialJ]

If you want her back and you were the dumper, waiting for her to contact you isn't going to be very helpful. Either she isn't going to contact you, or she'll contact you if she's ready and wants to be just friends.

 

It sounds like she was hurt/angry by your flip-flopping apology last time, and she might still be. It's certainly possible she found whatever you said self-serving and did not think it was truly in her best interest. Or she might just be someone who wants to cut ties after a breakup.

 

Even though you really don't say anything about why SHE is the special one for you, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you are sincere in your regret over leaving her and acting in her best interests as well as your own. I don't think there's any reason for you to "play it cool," since you aren't in contact and have no existing interaction that you're slowly moving forward with. I don't think you should put ALL your cards on the table over email, since out of the blue that might be presumptuous and overwhelming. But I do think you should send a short and straight-forward communication that shows you're serious, why you've changed in a way that allows you to put her best interests more forward than you were able to before, and asks her if she's willing to meet up in person (for coffee?) so that you can show her you intend to take action and aren't all talk, and so she can gauge and share where she's at. Then, if she responds and you get to see her, feel her out and put ALL your cards down then in person.

 

I also think that what you said in an earlier post -- "I've made more changes in my life in past 3 months than at any other time in my life, for me. I also realize I miss her, and things were better with her. This isn't a case of dumper's remorse, it's me growing as a person, and making as objective a decision as possible given the circumstances, that I want to try to reconcile." -- THIS sounds genuine and not self-serving. Saying something like this, but a little more eloquent, and adding a couple sentences addressing the rest of what I said in my last paragraph might give you a shot to talk to her in person.

 

But it's still possible, if she's already closed the door, there may already be nothing you can do. Even if she hasn't, she most certainly doesn't trust you and you're still going to have your work cut out for you if you do get another chance. Make sure you're ready to rebuild that trust and do that work.

 

My personal perspective is, I got dumped a few months ago by someone I loved, and he has admitted it was because of his own issues not anything I did. I've given up hope at this point that he'd ever come back and subsequently gone in no contact so I can move forward without him. If he decided he made a mistake, I'd want to hear him take responsibility for being immature and selfish in how he handled everything and that he has since grown and is willing to put in the work required to be in a serious relationship, and that I'd be having a new relationship with a different/better person. I'd also want to hear something proving this is about wanting ME and not just reaching out because he's lonely or wants attention. Anything less, and I don't see a point in being responsive.

 

I'm also direct and don't want game-playing or BS at this point in my life, so my approach might not work as well for you if that attitude isn't shared by her. But only you know that.

 

Hope that helps...

 

-J

[ranaak]

SpecialJ.

 

 

I really appreciate your advice. You personal perspective really helped me see what I need to say and do the next time we interact.

 

We have since a brief interaction, (I posted about in another post). It was too brief and chaotic to really get a feel for anything. It left me a bit winded because I had expectations that didn't pan out.

 

Alot of people on these boards talk about 'who holds the power' and while I understand the thinking behind this, there comes a point where it becomes more about doing the right thing. Obviously we are not together now, but she is a good girl, and deserves a good man. I messed up. I made a mistake, but people make mistakes. Maybe we will have a chance, maybe she will find someone else that makes her truly happy. I need to take accountability and be honest with her for more reasons than just the hope of getting back together. This is something I've understood in my growth over the past months.

 

Your comment about "proving this is about wanting ME" goes in direct opposition to alot of the other advice I've heard, but I like it. I think she certainly does needs to know that.

 

I'm going to directly incorporate some of your advice when I speak with her next.

 

Best wishes to you and your life's adventures.

Thanks SpecialJ

[SpecialJ]

Good luck!

 

I'm guessing the advice against it being about her is more in the sense of, don't go on and on about how great she is until it leaves you looking like a doormat. And that's true -- I meant say just enough that she knows you've thought about both of your best interests (and not just your own feelings) and make it clear this is truly about wanting to be with her and believing you two can make it work (versus I wasn't able to find anyone else / I'm lonely).

 

The more you write, the more I think you'll know what to say when the time comes. "but she is a good girl, and deserves a good man. I messed up. I made a mistake, but people make mistakes. Maybe we will have a chance, maybe she will find someone else that makes her truly happy. I need to take accountability and be honest with her for more reasons than just the hope of getting back together. This is something I've understood in my growth over the past months." -- this is great.

 

Try to release expectations and know however it turns out, you were authentic and strong enough to do what you thought was right. Let us know how it goes!

[ranaak]

Thank you very much SpecialJ.

bit of development, had an odd run in with her where she texted and wanted to meet up with me where I was at, then showed up with a group of friends. We didnt get to talk much at all. I texted her a couple of times afterwards, but no reply. Odd huh?

 

Anyways, I'm gonna wait a few days and send out (so hard to write this stuff in a 'short' text) my thoughts.

This has all really helped me process. Even after months, I feel like I'm turning another corner sending this out and see where it lands.

 

Thanks again, I'll keep ya posted if anything changes.

Best wishes to you too SpecialJ

Edited March 27, 2017 by ranaak

[ranaak]

Update.

 

I texted her about catching up, she replied, days later with "I dont think Im ready yet".

 

I replied with a brief text, incorporating alot of SpecialJ's advice, basically said " I understand, I was a jerk. Im sorry for how I acted."

 

At this point, I obviously wait.

Any thoughts?

[springy]

Update.

 

I texted her about catching up, she replied, days later with "I dont think Im ready yet".

 

I replied with a brief text, incorporating alot of SpecialJ's advice, basically said " I understand, I was a jerk. Im sorry for how I acted."

 

At this point, I obviously wait.

Any thoughts?

 

I would go back to nc and start the process of moving on.

[SpecialJ]

Back off, respect her space, you said what you needed to say. Sounds like the timing may not have been the best to say it, but at least she has all the information if she wants to reconsider it. She'll be in touch if she wants to be. Try to just focus on yourself now, and what you want in life regardless of her. Feel good about yourself for being courageous and for your growth, and don't have expectations in any direction.

[ranaak]

Thanks springy and SpecialJ~

 

Yes, that is exactly what I intend and will do, your advice helped me out a lot with everything. I do feel good about it.

 

I do think if anyone else is reading this, my experience has taught me a lot. I think most of all, and this is something we should all probably know, but anytime you are ever wanting to act out of un-fully processed emotion, DON'T do it.

 

My recent actions, I feel good about, and they were the result of along period of reflection and difficult introspection. I felt good in taking these last actions, in that they were contemplated out, and not just shotgun reaction due to emotions, or reacting out of a negative place. It was more about doing what I felt was right, not selfishly based and I'm glad I did it.

 

It's not about what (I) you can get, help you, or really about (me) you at all. Things work better when you put your selfish fears aside, and think of others, which is basically the idea of what we call Love.

Edited March 29, 2017 by ranaak

[SpecialJ]

Just curious, OP, since it's been a couple weeks... did you get any response?