Starting speaking with ex again

[JQC1]

Alright, so hear me out... I don't wanna hear all the crap about talking to ex's and moving backwards and whatnot. I'm just here for some advice and am ok with whatever the results are.

 

Anyway, ex gf broke up with me back in June.. wanted to live the single life and whatnot. I NC her for 6 months, and decide to initiate contact with her last Monday. She moved to a new city for her job, about 8 hrs away and will be moving closer to me at the end of March. Anyway, she seemed to want to chat with me. She told me she had a couple of meetings the rest of the day and asked if she could text me after work. I agreed and she did text me later that day and we talked into the night and there was the tiniest bit of flirting. I didnt want to come on too strong. The next day, I decide to text her again at night and we have a pretty good conversation.. I make her laugh, a tiny bit of flirting again. The next day, Wednesday, she initiates a conversation in the afternoon. We talk about meeting up when she moves back and again, talk into the night.

On Thursday, I text her at night and she seemed busy (slow to respond) so we only exchanged a few messages. Couldn't tell if she was flirting with me or not but we were talking about how I have good memory and how she doesnt remember anything, and i said something along the lines of "my only purpose in life is to remember things" and she responded by saying "not true. You make people laugh. Esp me". I sent a smiling emoji and she sent a blushing one back and I decided not to respond to that.

 

All the times we texted, whenever the conversation dulled, she would always keep the conversation going by asking me a question or just changing the topic.

 

So since Thursday night last week, we haven't spoken. I know her parents were up this past weekend so I didn't expect to hear from her. I'm not sure if I should continue initiating conversations with her or let her initiate the next one? I hate these games but we all play them. Also, I've been reading a lot about how texting should only be used to set up dates. Well, we most likely won't be meeting up for another month so how do I keep attraction in the mean time?

I'm just very confused right now... hard to tell if she's interested in me or not and if I should continue pursuing.

[Altair0770]

The blushy emoji says it all.

 

Full speed ahead my friend.

 

 

Honestly you will not know until you meet in person and have a chance to connect.

 

As for the texting game it's always okay to start a conversation, especially if she's continuing to do the same and the conversation leads to an actual conversation rather than just one word replies. You can typically judge when someone isn't interested in texting you. So you have to use your best instincts.

 

As for if you should try or move on... that is your decision to make.

 

My best advice is simple - avoid the friendzone. You don't have to blurt out that you want to get back together the first meetup. Try to use touch to your advantage. Grab her arm if you're saying something flirty or emotional. Give her a hug when you greet her and have open body language. If she hugs you back and you feel there is connection with body language and how she responds to your touch then keep pushing forward.

 

If everything goes well after a few meetups be open with her. Let her know you're interested in seeing you can get back together again. If she ever says something like "I'm so glad we're friends" then... welp.

 

If you want to get back together then you should try, otherwise getting over her (especially after that long time) is going to get you stuck wondering if it would have worked if you tried. Just be very cautious of the friendzone. With my ex, I came back after 2 months. She was depressed and sad. I made her so happy when I returned instantly. She said, "I had a heart of gold and was so sweet. Thank you for making me happy blah blah blah". We texted a lot but because I wasn't open about trying again, she found interest in someone else. I was slow to say that though because she has PTSD.

Edited March 7, 2017 by Altair0770

[JQC1]

The blushy emoji says it all.

 

Full speed ahead my friend.

 

 

Honestly you will not know until you meet in person and have a chance to connect.

 

As for the texting game it's always okay to start a conversation, especially if she's continuing to do the same and the conversation leads to an actual conversation rather than just one word replies. You can typically judge when someone isn't interested in texting you. So you have to use your best instincts.

 

As for if you should try or move on... that is your decision to make.

 

My best advice is simple - avoid the friendzone. You don't have to blurt out that you want to get back together the first meetup. Try to use touch to your advantage. Grab her arm if you're saying something flirty or emotional. Give her a hug when you greet her and have open body language. If she hugs you back and you feel there is connection with body language and how she responds to your touch then keep pushing forward.

 

If everything goes well after a few meetups be open with her. Let her know you're interested in seeing you can get back together again. If she ever says something like "I'm so glad we're friends" then... welp.

 

If you want to get back together then you should try, otherwise getting over her (especially after that long time) is going to get you stuck wondering if it would have worked if you tried. Just be very cautious of the friendzone. With my ex, I came back after 2 months. She was depressed and sad. I made her so happy when I returned instantly. She said, "I had a heart of gold and was so sweet. Thank you for making me happy blah blah blah". We texted a lot but because I wasn't open about trying again, she found interest in someone else. I was slow to say that though because she has PTSD.

 

Thanks man. I might up the flirting a little bit in texting to make it clear to her that I don't just want to be friends. And yeah, flirting in person is always much easier than in texting IMO. I'll be able to see her reactions instantly instead of waiting for a response like through text

[Sweetfish]

Thanks man. I might up the flirting a little bit in texting to make it clear to her that I don't just want to be friends. And yeah, flirting in person is always much easier than in texting IMO. I'll be able to see her reactions instantly instead of waiting for a response like through text

 

Sounds like your following an ex-recovery program... do not try to flirt your way back in...

[JQC1]

Sounds like your following an ex-recovery program... do not try to flirt your way back in...

 

Yeah, I understand I'm reaching into sort of dangerous area by doing this. But she's been pretty receptive to the flirting. She's gonna be in my state this week for work (about 3 hrs away) and said that I should go visit her. I told her maybe at the time just to sort of keep her hanging and on Monday I texted her asking her what's for dinner Thursday night meaning that I was gonna go see her. She said that she'd feel bad that she wouldnt be able to hang out for long and that after moving back into this state next month, she'll be able to come see me and have a car and everything will just be easier.

 

I understand where she's coming from in that it probably wouldn't be worth for me to drive 3 hours to only see her for that night and have to drive back the next morning but for some reason I was hurt by her not wanting me to come. She made it seem like she wanted to see me last week and now it feels like she doesn't.

 

I think I'm just being needy and overreacting though. Thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

She broke up with you to pursue the single life. Nevertheless, you decided to just up & contact her 6 months later. Why? Do you have any basis to conclude that in a mere 6 months she suddenly wants to be coupled up again & with you? She knows what that looks like & already walked away from you once. What assurance do you have that she won't do it again?

 

 

When she relocates back near you, she will have moved 2x in one year. Doesn't scream stability to me.

 

 

If this does have any hope of rekindling the flame you will need more then text. For a conversation that lasted well into the night, why didn't you just call? Sounds so much simpler plus you'd get to hear each other's voices.

 

 

A few text messages at this point could just be her being polite. Proceed with caution.

[JQC1]

She broke up with you to pursue the single life. Nevertheless, you decided to just up & contact her 6 months later. Why? Do you have any basis to conclude that in a mere 6 months she suddenly wants to be coupled up again & with you? She knows what that looks like & already walked away from you once. What assurance do you have that she won't do it again?

 

 

When she relocates back near you, she will have moved 2x in one year. Doesn't scream stability to me.

 

 

If this does have any hope of rekindling the flame you will need more then text. For a conversation that lasted well into the night, why didn't you just call? Sounds so much simpler plus you'd get to hear each other's voices.

 

 

A few text messages at this point could just be her being polite. Proceed with caution.

 

 

You mention good points here. I guess I'm just willing to take the chance. She is relocating because she is in a rotational program where she has to move every couple of months.

 

I feel like I came across upset to her when she told me that I shouldn't go visit her and I was, but I was trying to play it cool. I might lay off the conversation initiating for a while. She's been initiating occasionally since I started contact with her (about 50/50) so I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

[mightycpa]

You mention good points here. I guess I'm just willing to take the chance. She is relocating because she is in a rotational program where she has to move every couple of months.

 

I feel like I came across upset to her when she told me that I shouldn't go visit her and I was, but I was trying to play it cool. I might lay off the conversation initiating for a while. She's been initiating occasionally since I started contact with her (about 50/50) so I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

I'm not sure you've answered the question that was not exactly asked.

 

What is it exactly that you want from this woman? Sex? FWB? Exclusive LDR?

 

Having answered that, what is it that you expect from a woman who tells you that you SHOULD NOT visit her? Where do you expect things to go?

 

You said up front that you did not want to hear all the crap about moving backwards, etc.

 

What's left to say? That you should play the game to the best of your ability and hope for the best? Good luck with that.

 

Here's how to proceed: Treat her like any other girl you might be interested in. It doesn't matter is she's interested in you. What matters is that you're interested in her. Pursue her until she wants you or blows you off. Once she makes a choice, then you have your answer.

 

Oh, right, you've done that already. I see the problem. You won't take NO for an answer.

[frigginlost]

I think she is dusting off the chair you'll use so you can get a great view from the friendzone.

 

Sorry, that's how I see it.

 

If she was really interested and you offered to drive 3 hours to see her, she would have jumped at it.

[JQC1]

I think she is dusting off the chair you'll use so you can get a great view from the friendzone.

 

Sorry, that's how I see it.

 

If she was really interested and you offered to drive 3 hours to see her, she would have jumped at it.

 

She had responded back to my dinner text like 4 hours later. She apologized and said that she had forgotten to write back because she had to reschedule flights and do a bunch of stuff (big northeast snowstorm). I guess her forgetting made me think she wasn't that into me, so when she replied back with "are you really coming?" i just said "idk" because I was kind of annoyed about a 4 hour response time.

 

I expected her to be excited about me going instead of asking if I was serious since the week before, she kept asking when she was going to see me and that she was excited to see me. I know that I'm being unreasonable and needy/clingy and I haven't spoken to her since that night. Don't know if I should wait for her to contact me or if I was in the wrong in this situation and reach out...

[springy]

She had responded back to my dinner text like 4 hours later. She apologized and said that she had forgotten to write back because she had to reschedule flights and do a bunch of stuff (big northeast snowstorm). I guess her forgetting made me think she wasn't that into me, so when she replied back with "are you really coming?" i just said "idk" because I was kind of annoyed about a 4 hour response time.

.

 

I concur. I would not break contact again unless she reaches out first.

[Cephalopod]

Drop the torch and let her go. Move on.

[Murmillo]

She had responded back to my dinner text like 4 hours later. She apologized and said that she had forgotten to write back because she had to reschedule flights and do a bunch of stuff (big northeast snowstorm). I guess her forgetting made me think she wasn't that into me, so when she replied back with "are you really coming?" i just said "idk" because I was kind of annoyed about a 4 hour response time.

 

I expected her to be excited about me going instead of asking if I was serious since the week before, she kept asking when she was going to see me and that she was excited to see me. I know that I'm being unreasonable and needy/clingy and I haven't spoken to her since that night. Don't know if I should wait for her to contact me or if I was in the wrong in this situation and reach out...

 

You were wrong in acting buthurt. Not a good look. Nervertheless I don't think your situation sounds that bad.

[JQC1]

I concur. I would not break contact again unless she reaches out first.

 

She contacted me Friday to tell me some news about her and then on Saturday, I texted her about going to see a show in April. We were looking up hotels to book and I sent a screen shot of hotels where the price was extremely expensive saying "wtfff" and no response from her. It's really starting to annoy me. She just texted me apologizing for being unresponsive and then asked me when I was moving to my new job in the summer.

 

I don't know if I should just ignore her or respond. Her long response times are annoying as f*** and shows me that I'm not high on her priority list but if I don't respond, I think it'll make it seem like I'm butthurt.

[Murmillo]

She contacted me Friday to tell me some news about her and then on Saturday, I texted her about going to see a show in April. We were looking up hotels to book and I sent a screen shot of hotels where the price was extremely expensive saying "wtfff" and no response from her. It's really starting to annoy me. She just texted me apologizing for being unresponsive and then asked me when I was moving to my new job in the summer.

 

I don't know if I should just ignore her or respond. Her long response times are annoying as f*** and shows me that I'm not high on her priority list but if I don't respond, I think it'll make it seem like I'm butthurt.

 

Ignoring never works. Just act aloof and nonchalant. Like you didn't even notice her late responses.

[JQC1]

Ignoring never works. Just act aloof and nonchalant. Like you didn't even notice her late responses.

 

I responded with the month that I'm moving. But honestly, she is really pis*ing me off with this. Thinking about just going NC again

[Sweetfish]

I responded with the month that I'm moving. But honestly, she is really pis*ing me off with this. Thinking about just going NC again

 

 

I warned you...

 

No contact

[Bromeo]

All these games we play with people. You keep pushing, she keeps distancing.

 

I recently read an older thread on enotalone entitled "understanding push/pull theory". Fantastic read, and sounds like what is happening here.

 

You want to travel to see her, she isn't sure, and is keeping you at distance, but responding. The confusion you feel is because neither partner has clearly communicated what their intentions are.

 

I went through this, except my ex used push/pull plus, or push/pull steroid edition.

 

I advise you to stop planning to travel, tell her you are interested in working towards reconciliation, ask her if she feels the same, and could you both just take it slow, and then see how she acts.

 

If you've been clear, and she continues to distance, then you must walk away, because you can be assured that she just wants attention and for you to chase.

 

.02.

[JQC1]

All these games we play with people. You keep pushing, she keeps distancing.

 

I recently read an older thread on enotalone entitled "understanding push/pull theory". Fantastic read, and sounds like what is happening here.

 

You want to travel to see her, she isn't sure, and is keeping you at distance, but responding. The confusion you feel is because neither partner has clearly communicated what their intentions are.

 

I went through this, except my ex used push/pull plus, or push/pull steroid edition.

 

I advise you to stop planning to travel, tell her you are interested in working towards reconciliation, ask her if she feels the same, and could you both just take it slow, and then see how she acts.

 

If you've been clear, and she continues to distance, then you must walk away, because you can be assured that she just wants attention and for you to chase.

 

.02.

 

This makes sense and seems like sound advice. Also going to stop by enotalone to read that thread.

 

I would much rather be clear about my intentions in person rather than through text. Not as much anxiety waiting for a response and I'll be able to see her reaction immediately. But for now, I think I'll go NC. I'm fairly certain she will ask to meet up once she moves back here for good in a couple of weeks so I'll take it from there.

[Bromeo]

This makes sense and seems like sound advice. Also going to stop by enotalone to read that thread.

 

I would much rather be clear about my intentions in person rather than through text. Not as much anxiety waiting for a response and I'll be able to see her reaction immediately. But for now, I think I'll go NC. I'm fairly certain she will ask to meet up once she moves back here for good in a couple of weeks so I'll take it from there.

 

Good luck. I don't always jump on the NC train, but in this case, a bit of time and space between the two of you will help.

 

In my case, when I finally went cold NC before xmas, I started getting emails mid January. This led to renewed game playing, and ultimately I cut her off.

 

Establish in your mind a you first policy. I miss and care for my ex, but the games were causing me to act emotionally and erratically. It felt like a fever and haze on my brain. 9 months post BU, and 9 weeks cold NC, and I still get stress on the heart.

 

Question, if you didn't care for this person, would you tolerate how they are treating you now? I accepted a deplorable amount of post-breakup trauma until I figured this out.

 

I'll never feel or act that way again, and I'll run in the opposite direction if presented with it.

 

I completely understand how you feel. The games get so old.

 

Indecisiveness and uncertainty are the immature ex's playground. They don't want you, but can't let you go, and will not make a decision. A frustrating grey area. Be strong enough to break out of it. You do so by clearly communicating, and walking away.

 

I had to, and it sucks. Read my thread for a good laugh, and game playing taken to a new level.

 

.02

[JQC1]

Good luck. I don't always jump on the NC train, but in this case, a bit of time and space between the two of you will help.

 

In my case, when I finally went cold NC before xmas, I started getting emails mid January. This led to renewed game playing, and ultimately I cut her off.

 

Establish in your mind a you first policy. I miss and care for my ex, but the games were causing me to act emotionally and erratically. It felt like a fever and haze on my brain. 9 months post BU, and 9 weeks cold NC, and I still get stress on the heart.

 

Question, if you didn't care for this person, would you tolerate how they are treating you now? I accepted a deplorable amount of post-breakup trauma until I figured this out.

 

I'll never feel or act that way again, and I'll run in the opposite direction if presented with it.

 

I completely understand how you feel. The games get so old.

 

Indecisiveness and uncertainty are the immature ex's playground. They don't want you, but can't let you go, and will not make a decision. A frustrating grey area. Be strong enough to break out of it. You do so by clearly communicating, and walking away.

 

I had to, and it sucks. Read my thread for a good laugh, and game playing taken to a new level.

 

.02

 

I have a lot of friends actually who take a long time to respond back to text messages and although it gets annoying sometimes, especially when planning events, I wouldn't say I get as annoyed as I do in this situation. I know that's because I feel a little more for her than I do for my friends. Regardless, I think its a bit rude to not respond to a message that clearly requires a response until like 10 hours later. I'm fine with 2-4 hours for the most part, but once it hits double digits, it becomes annoying.

 

A part of me feels like she's not one to play games, but then again, doesn't everyone even if they don't like it? I feel like it's encrypted into our brains at this point.

 

To be honest, I know I shouldn't even give her the time of day. The way she treated me when we ended was not acceptable and if I didn't care for her, I would've completely just forgotten about her and had a "good riddance" attitude.

 

Thanks for your input though... Brings some things into prospective