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He's in in rebound, will I ever get him back?


mimikong

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I broke up with my ex last Sept. after 4 years relationship. I went to rebound very fast after the breakup and it didn't last more than a month. This was when I realized the huge mistake I did by breaking up and that i'm still deeply in love with my ex. We had issues in the relationship ( he got Peter Pan syndrome) which didn't bother me at first, but towards the end it did..I had a "male friend" figure who was constantly influencing me in the last couple of months before the breakup, whom he wanted me secretly all along and eventually ended to be my rebound. I was infatuated it was not love. I hurt my ex deeply as he knew this person during the time we were together and he kept standing by my side even after the breakup and during the month I was dating the other guy. Only because we couldn't both let go. When I told him I wanted him back after I broke it off with the other guy, he has met this young girl at work in December (17 years younger than him) and start talking to her to escape the painful situation he had to go through with me. One month later they dated (mid January). I apologized hundreds of times months ago for everything that I did and all the hurt that I did. I kept NC after I discovered about his rebound and left trying to heal alone, improve and move on. Regretting everything I did to him. He's been dating her for almost 6 weeks now and he tried to contact me twice, the last time he was crying towards the end of the phone call.

 

I told him now I accept everything and I respect his new situation. I know he's going through trouble because he's showing it all over his FB (being emotionally immature he is honest in his feelings which I love about him). He said he found a way to contact me and he will be the one to contact me. The two time he contacted me was to tell me that he's checking on me via FB (although he removed me when he started dating the other girl). He's telling me we will always have that special place that link and bond us together no matter what. I deeply agree and feel the same. I feel that the troubles he's going through with his rebound is because of me, as he is secretly contacting me and checking on me and trying to get my attention. I am doing nothing from my side except observing and responding positively.

 

I feel he is in a complete confused/ lost/ hurt emotions cause he speed up to jump into another relationship without really healing or trying to move on (cause he's still thinks of me and check on me and post on his FB about his pain) and now things starting to wear off and he is realizing that he miss and think of me all the time.

 

We have a strong emotional bond/cord of attachment that can't be easily be cut. him being Peter Pan and me being his Tinkerbell will always be part of our magical bond. I know I screwed up big time, I've been healing, meditating, reading, painting, seeing psychologist during these months so I see things in a clearer picture now than i was before. I am working on the guilts and the damage I caused him and I know if he comes back to me will make a new connection based on love and light.

 

Do you think we have a shot? what about the new girl? Why is he with her if he is emotionally connected with me? is it to get back at what I did to him? get his ego and pride back?

 

I believe we have true love..and true love survives it all..right?

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Okay well here's a reality check and I'm sure most will agree !

 

Checking on Facebook means nothing !!

Nothing at all !!!!

Why because if he asked you back you would say yes right...? Or would you say "we'll let me think about it?" And then go on Facebook and be all stupid ?

 

The theraphy was a good move , good job on that one and don't give it up yet

 

Second he's having fun and playing games, why ?! Because she's young your willing to wait and he's having too much fun and probably knows it might mot work out so when it does implode you'll be there waiting with open arms ... actually not a bad plan !

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I think your ex isn't the only one with Peter Pan Syndrome.

 

With all due respect, if he is wise he will not come back to you. Why the heck would he? You sound like you have a very immature view of love. You are talking out both sides of your face, claiming that you have some fairy-tale bond that is magical and can't be broken - and yet you let some other guy influence you into breaking up?

 

I don't think you actually loved your ex. You wouldn't have been so easily lured by someone else if you did. I think it bothers the heck of you that he doesn't want you back, and is with someone a lot younger. But that's your ego talking. Real, mature, healthy love would not have been so easily given up by you. Your ex knows this too, and is moving on.

 

Leave you ex be now, and focus on your own healing. This is going to be a difficult but important lesson for you.

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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Okay well here's a reality check and I'm sure most will agree !

 

Checking on Facebook means nothing !!

Nothing at all !!!!

Why because if he asked you back you would say yes right...? Or would you say "we'll let me think about it?" And then go on Facebook and be all stupid ?

 

The theraphy was a good move , good job on that one and don't give it up yet

 

Second he's having fun and playing games, why ?! Because she's young your willing to wait and he's having too much fun and probably knows it might mot work out so when it does implode you'll be there waiting with open arms ... actually not a bad plan !

 

But I have started it all first.. so really I have to take responsibility of my actions..

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I think your ex isn't the only one with Peter Pan Syndrome.

 

With all due respect, if he is wise he will not come back to you. Why the heck would he? You sound like you have a very immature view of love. You are talking out both sides of your face, claiming that you have some fairy-tale bond that is magical and can't be broken - and yet you let some other guy influence you into breaking up?

 

I don't think you actually loved your ex. You wouldn't have been so easily lured by someone else if you did. I think it bothers the heck of you that he doesn't want you back, and is with someone a lot younger. But that's your ego talking. Real, mature, healthy love would not have been so easily given up by you. Your ex knows this too, and is moving on.

 

Leave you ex be now, and focus on your own healing. This is going to be a difficult but important lesson for you.

 

I may also acted immature in the relationship since it was my first. I left my land to follow my heart 4 years ago, so no this is not my ego talking..I was lured under many factors that made me act recklessly (ego, lack of experience, my mom dying, other stressors..etc) I am giving no excuse, but we are all human being and make mistakes. It's been 5 months since the breakup and I grew a lot in this short period..I am focusing on my healing and self growing as a woman but deep inside and the back of my head I know our paths will cross again. I had to deal with my ego and still I am. I know what I have for him is real.

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Second he's having fun and playing games, why ?! Because she's young your willing to wait and he's having too much fun and probably knows it might mot work out so when it does implode you'll be there waiting with open arms ... actually not a bad plan !

 

So you're saying he's not hurt and he's enjoying his time and he is over me?

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I may also acted immature in the relationship since it was my first. I left my land to follow my heart 4 years ago, so no this is not my ego talking..I was lured under many factors that made me act recklessly (ego, lack of experience, my mom dying, other stressors..etc) I am giving no excuse, but we are all human being and make mistakes. It's been 5 months since the breakup and I grew a lot in this short period..I am focusing on my healing and self growing as a woman but deep inside and the back of my head I know our paths will cross again. I had to deal with my ego and still I am. I know what I have for him is real.

 

Yes, you are giving excuses.

 

You may have been stressed and upset about external circumstances, but unfortunately that doesn't make your decision to leave your ex any less painful for him. They are also not reasons to stray, which is what this sounds like. Who was this "male friend", and how exactly did he influence you?

 

Let your ex go and be happy. If he comes looking for you, he comes looking for you. But in the meantime, don't wait around. It's usually not worth it in the end.

 

First relationships are almost never our last. Learn from this and grow, so you can make better choices with future boyfriends.

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So you're saying he's not hurt and he's enjoying his time and he is over me?

 

 

No he is hurting.

 

Question? How old are you and how old is he?

 

Second what exactly did he do that made you leave and what did this male friend tell you?

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No he is hurting.

 

Question? How old are you and how old is he?

 

Second what exactly did he do that made you leave and what did this male friend tell you?

 

Im 32 he's 36. He didn't do anything I was control freak & leading the relationship trying to push him for a future and he couldn't really have a plan. Our situation is complicated, I came from a different background, to his country.

The other guy was pretending to be "OUR" friend, I admired him openly because he was alpha male and totally the opposite of my man. I was curious about him although we met him together on an online game. Then he wanted to meet up with us in our group of friends and I was encouraging the meeting. i never had any eotic feelings for him at that time, was mainly curiosity that made me connect with me on a friend's level.

 

I was cruel and determined to go on with the breakup thinking we will be better off without each other. The other guy took the opportunity and asked me out and I accepted. The moment I did it, I realized I'm not over my ex and felt like cheating on him so I broke it off with the new guy.

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Im 32 he's 36. He didn't do anything I was control freak & leading the relationship trying to push him for a future and he couldn't really have a plan. Our situation is complicated, I came from a different background, to his country.

The other guy was pretending to be "OUR" friend, I admired him openly because he was alpha male and totally the opposite of my man. I was curious about him although we met him together on an online game. Then he wanted to meet up with us in our group of friends and I was encouraging the meeting. i never had any eotic feelings for him at that time, was mainly curiosity that made me connect with me on a friend's level.

 

I was cruel and determined to go on with the breakup thinking we will be better off without each other. The other guy took the opportunity and asked me out and I accepted. The moment I did it, I realized I'm not over my ex and felt like cheating on him so I broke it off with the new guy.

 

This sounds more like the real reason. Why did you think you would be better off without each other? Everything else, like Explat pointed out, were excuses to help you justify the break up. Everyone has difficulties and "factors" that influence decisions in their lives. You chose to get out. That's fine. I think you need to ask yourself why you want to go back to him? Why you would never do it again if these "factors" came up again.

 

I think you still have a good amount of work to do on yourself and your mental/emotional state. You went from "he had Peter Pan syndrome," with your opening post to "he didn't do anything wrong," just in this thread. Like others have pointed out, stay in No Contact and evaluate yourself, and the relationship. Focus on how you can be a better partner and learn from all this. If it's meant to be, he will do the same.

Edited by whatdeww18
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Yes you're right.. I was giving you highlights and I can't deny that I'm still in shock-denial-confusion state.. I know one thing, I need to get away as far as I can from the cloud I am in right now in order to balance and find clarity to evaluate the whole thing..this is what I'm currently doing. I am maintaining the NC. He's reached out twice and I know he will in the future but until then, work must be done on myself.

 

Thank you.

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I am maintaining the NC. He's reached out twice and I know he will in the future but until then, work must be done on myself.

 

Thank you.

 

This is by far the best situation you can put your self in... go N.C and learn more about your self and also know as a woman... men can manipulate and blend into your needs just to get the "honey"

 

Its better to resolve your problems in a relationship or let him go and not monkey branch. The monkey branching is the worse power play to make...

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men can manipulate and blend into your needs just to get the "honey"

 

Its better to resolve your problems in a relationship or let him go and not monkey branch. The monkey branching is the worse power play to make...

 

You mean he's trying to monkey branch with both of us? he kinda is manipulative when he doesnt get what he wants...you may be right. But surely, I have to really move away and work on me..

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Hello, i don't think you actually know how much it hurts a guy when his gf breaks up with him, and for him to know later on that she's hooking up with a so called "friend" of yours both, that leads to a lot of questions to a guy's head, for example : maybe they were doing it before the break up, or she was attracted to him all along, or even this could happen again even if we got back together, but i think the two most hurting things is imagining you and you rebound together and not being able to get that image out of his head, and the lack of confidence after that and thinking maybe i wasn't enough or something lie that which i think has something to do with the fact that he got in a relationship so fast, maybe to boost his ego or even to see how you'd react, every guy thinks differently, so i think you have to be cards on the table with him and tell him everything yo feel for him and that your sorry etc and hope for the best, but the big mistake you could make right now is date someone else or just hook up with some guy, you're free to do whatever u like but if you truly want him back just don't cuz that would ust hurt him and make him think you just moved on and you're over him. sorry if i was harsh, i hope the best will come out of this for you.

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Thank you so much for taking the time to write. You were right on the spot. I realized how deeply I hurt him later and I went on an isolated island in the middle of Indian Ocean alone during the holidays to clear my head.. I wrote him a diary/ long letter explaining and apologizing for what I did and the realization and clearance I got from being alone. Yes I completly agree with you..it damaged his pride/ego and trust and I broke his heart cause he is deeply attached and connected to me emotionally.. in my nature I'm more independent than him..more extrovert etc..surely not even thinking of hooking up with anyone else..I'm moving on without really movin on. Also, I came to his land alone.. left my family and friends behind just to follow my heart so this is another factor that might add up to his constant feelings of guilts.

 

I will continue NC..focus on me..let him experience his rebound until the end like I already did..the last time he contacted me I made sure to let him feel it's safe space that he got with me. He was so emotional when he heard my voice and he was trying to hide his tears..He knows that and he said he will be the one to contact me again ( I was under the impression that he would do it right this time like contact me when he's single cause I've known him as an honorable man and he can't handle two at the same time) Cause when I initially learned about his rebound I was lashing out and shouting at him.. I realized that was immature of me that pushed him further away.

Edited by mimikong
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You're welcome for the post by the way, I'm actually quite surprised by how you're handling things with him, not in a bad way, i mean most people wouldn't be able to even sleep their SO is probably in the arms of another, I know i wouldn't, the think is he's not thinking straight right now, like I said in my previous post he's thinking if you did it once what's stopping you of doing again after a small fight or break or even argument. About the guy friend, I always said that I wouldn't be comfortable with my gf having a close guy friend and people would say that it's 2017 and stuff but you're story unfortunately is a reason why, it's not that I wouldn't trust my gf, it's the opposite, I wouldn't trust the guy cuz i know what he's thinking and the phrase all the girls say: "we're just friends" I mean I just wanna answer like we were just friend before we started dating. What I'm trying to say is that you got played, and you're bf seems like a genuine nice guy and it's often being nice that gets guy's heart broken, you never see that with players, it's really sad and not against you specifically but the more I read in this forum, the more girls ask for nice guys ane when they get one they break his heart wich turn him into not trusting girls in general in return and they become players and stuff so that's an infernal circle, but I hope you get ur bf back.

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You're welcome for the post by the way, I'm actually quite surprised by how you're handling things with him, not in a bad way, i mean most people wouldn't be able to even sleep their SO is probably in the arms of another, I know i wouldn't, the think is he's not thinking straight right now, like I said in my previous post he's thinking if you did it once what's stopping you of doing again after a small fight or break or even argument. About the guy friend, I always said that I wouldn't be comfortable with my gf having a close guy friend and people would say that it's 2017 and stuff but you're story unfortunately is a reason why, it's not that I wouldn't trust my gf, it's the opposite, I wouldn't trust the guy cuz i know what he's thinking and the phrase all the girls say: "we're just friends" I mean I just wanna answer like we were just friend before we started dating. What I'm trying to say is that you got played, and you're bf seems like a genuine nice guy and it's often being nice that gets guy's heart broken, you never see that with players, it's really sad and not against you specifically but the more I read in this forum, the more girls ask for nice guys ane when they get one they break his heart wich turn him into not trusting girls in general in return and they become players and stuff so that's an infernal circle, but I hope you get ur bf back.

Wow..I don't know how you're doing this but I am truly moved by your reply..as if you actually lived our story and the pain we are going through right now..the funny thing is I didn't even sleep with that guy as I was never had any erotic feelings for him..we barely kissed twice! once he kissed and the last it was a goodbye kiss..I felt I was cheating on my Ex even though we have already broken up but my true deep feelings always belonged to him...

 

It's a torture what I'm going through right now, knowing someone else is simply taking my place and giving him the love I should be giving but I keep saying to myself..he was in my shoes before..so I inhale..

 

Thank you again for your kind words. I have to admit I was a bit naive when it comes to men as I come from a background that is restricting male/female relationships..

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If you two were really soul mates there is nothing keeping him from ending it with her and coming back to you. Yes he is enjoying the attention of a woman so young and it may be feeding his ego at this point. If I were you I would just go on with my life and if he wants you back he will contact you and ask you back.

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Yes I believe this as well.. that's what I'm doing, going on with my life..he already tried reaching out for me but to test the weather and I was welcoming and warm but keeping a distance.. he said he will contact me and I believe he is an honorable man, he won't be playing on both fences..I am hoping next time he will contact me he will be free to connect with me. As we obviously still have that strong emotional bond.

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I'm glad some of my words can reach you, I actually thought you slept with the guy, cuz you said he was your rebound, it usually involves sex, so if you just kissed him you should explain this to your boyfriend, even though I doubt he'll believe you, so I think you should meet up for a coffee or something and explain everything to him, he's 36 so he can understand, but I have to say it's a little weird that you stayed with the guy for a month without sex, I mean it's a rebound it almost always involve sex, anyway I'm happy to help if you have any questions at all.

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I'm glad some of my words can reach you, I actually thought you slept with the guy, cuz you said he was your rebound, it usually involves sex, so if you just kissed him you should explain this to your boyfriend, even though I doubt he'll believe you, so I think you should meet up for a coffee or something and explain everything to him, he's 36 so he can understand, but I have to say it's a little weird that you stayed with the guy for a month without sex, I mean it's a rebound it almost always involve sex, anyway I'm happy to help if you have any questions at all.

 

I was upfront and clear, I told the other guy that I am emotionally broke and I can't offer anything since he knew me and my BF for few months before. So he gave me space and insisted on taking care of me as I was in a vulnerable position didn't refuse his offer.. I guess he was hoping with time I would fall for him and forget my man which never happened..Generally, I'm aloof with men (my BF is the only man I had sex with) because of my background.

His friends & people were gossiping that I did it. I live in Greece.. if this explains how things run here! hehe

Edited by mimikong
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Hii mimi, it's been a week, I hope everything is okay, I just wanted to get an update on how things went this past week and how r they doing now? best wishes

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Hii mimi, it's been a week, I hope everything is okay, I just wanted to get an update on how things went this past week and how r they doing now? best wishes

 

Thanks Simoo! How are you?

I'm glad you asked! I was about to post in the forum..

There has been some dramatic change of events. I travelled to my home land for 10 days vacation and he discovered that by chance. He works at the airport and he had to call out my name in the public announcement to go tot he gate! The cosmos force was drawing us togtger. He then called me and was afraid I'm leaving for good. It was emotional phone call and I felt he was reaching out to me without words. After my trip and I returned he called me for 3 hours and he was also crying, saying his "world is collapsing over him and everything and everyone is different and he can't trust anyone. He's miserable , not happy, no at peace, not balanced and sinking in a muddy ground and it's all foggy." He also said he's walking in my shoes and experiencing the worst nemisis ever.. I was in pain hearing him broken and unhappy.

He's more damaged than before. He didn't break up with the rebound, and I discovered yesterday that he moved to his new place and she was also there. He was contacting me in secret!

I feel devastated.. insulted, humiliated, broken and all the work I did on my self and the healing process I was going through for almost 4 months.. simply reset.

 

I told him we need to meet and I can't contact him only over the phone..he's resisting saying it's not proper! I told him we have residual feelings and we can't run away from this, we've been part of each other's life for 4 years. You can't simply erase that. He erased me and replaced me for a teenager whose been seeing for two months only.

I recommended a good psychologist to help him.

 

Obviously he's not over me and he's not happy and he knows he's sinking in deep **** (being in rebound with a Youngester which for some reason he can't break up with) knowing his personality, he doesn't confront or start fights.. so I know he might not have the courage to break up with her.

 

 

What shall I do in this case.. if I know he was happy I swear I would be happy and move on with my life.. but after this?

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I have shared my story earlier in this forum (he's in rebound will I ever get him back) . My ex whom I broke up with then he is in rebound.

 

He reached out to me and talked for 3 hours. Crying and saying his "world is collapsing over him, everything and everyone is different and he can't trust anyone. He's miserable , not happy, no at peace, not balanced and sinking in a muddy ground and it's all foggy."

He also said he's walking in my shoes and experiencing the worst nemisis ever.. He's more damaged than before.

He didn't break up with the rebound, and I discovered yesterday that he moved to his new place (which is a good step) and she was also there. He was contacting me in secret!

I feel devastated.. insulted, humiliated, broken and all the work I did on my self and the healing process I was going through for almost 4 months.. simply reset.

 

I told him we need to meet and I can't contact him only over the phone..he's resisting saying it's not proper! I told him we have residual feelings and we can't run away from this, we've been part of each other's life for 4 years. You can't simply erase that. He erased me and replaced me for a teenager whose been seeing for two months only.

I recommended a good psychologist to help him.

 

Obviously he's not over me and he's not happy and he knows he's sinking in deep **** (being in rebound with a Youngester which for some reason he can't break up with) knowing his personality, he doesn't confront or start fights.. so I know he might not have the courage to break up with her.

 

If he's unhappy and he doesn't want to lose me why he's still with her?

Why reach out to me crying? Testing the weather to see if he will get back with me with no rejection? Am I the pack up plan for him? Since I know he is the relationship with me mentally and emotionally.. the rebound is there for the physical part..

 

If he's happy I swear I would move on from this and wish him the best but after this? How can I leave?

 

Any thoughts I will appreciate.

Edited by mimikong
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He was contacting me in secret!

I feel devastated.. insulted, humiliated, broken and all the work I did on my self and the healing process I was going through for almost 4 months.. simply reset.

His actions and choices do not have any actual impact on your healing and progress.

In this instance, you can as easily choose to feel compassion, empathy, forgiveness - and just move on from there. At the same time, if you do stick with your

original reaction, then that's a negative choice on your part that will have to come back to you in one or another form.

 

If he's happy I swear I would move on from this and wish him the best but after this? How can I leave?
You get to leave so that he can learn his karmic/life lessons through experiencing the proper consequences of his own free-will (negative) choices and decisions.

It's an opportunity for him that you staying around would interfere with.

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