Ex wants to try dating again [UPDATED I am the Dumper. What's my next move?]

[marie25]

Hello,

 

I have made other threads on LS about my relationship with my ex, and the breakup that ensued after. But basically: I had made many unhealthy mistakes (fear of commitment caused me to act on emotion and caused deep emotional scars for him, had a bad habit of breaking up during fights, I broke up with him probably about ~20 times - BAD relationship due to my (and his) emotional immaturity and overall confusion of emotions). We broke up a final time and he told me that he was moving on and told me to do the same. I had a super tough time with the breakup but it caused me to change and grow so so much as a person. I read books and articles about my issues, started going to therapy, etc.

 

I feel like I was slowly moving on (bad days and good days - but getting there). Then today he messaged me from NC saying that he wants to try going out on a date during Spring Break (about a month away) if we have both changed as people and feel ready. No expectations, no "past" drama. Clean slate, we can back out of it at any point if we realize we just aren't compatible anymore/can tell the other hasn't changed.

 

I loved the idea because I do still care for him, but would definitely feel like rushing back into a relationship would be a huge mistake (and honestly I don't even want that). This I feel is a good situation because it's coming from a clean slate. He had done me a lot of wrong as well though, within the relationship with his own emotional immaturity - so my only fear is that he hasn't changed in that aspect. But I suppose if scope it out and see if he is changed - I don't lose anything from giving it a shot.

 

Thoughts and/or advice? I could take all that I can get!!

[PegNosePete]

If you do this then you have rocks in your head.

 

You know exactly what kind of guy he is.

 

As they say - fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Don't let him fool you twice.

 

This time BLOCK him, like you should have originally!

[d0nnivain]

You & your issues caused the break ups. You said it yourself, your default when things get bad is to break up. You two broke up 20 times.

 

 

6 weeks later saying you two are starting over with a clean slate is ridiculous. You're lying to yourselves & each other. Your world view has not changed. You will immediately fall back into the same old dysfunctional pattern. Neither of you have grown up enough or actually fixed all the problems that repeatedly drove you apart. You are just going back to the same old nonsense. Why?

[SamiSing]

You need to move on from this guy. You both don't seem suited for one another. If you keep him out of your life, you will be more likely to find someone better eventually.

 

Taking you ex back is like going to a yard sale and buying your own crap !

 

Trust me, you are doing yourself a favour to just cut this completely and move on!

[stillafool]

After 20 breakups do you really need to ask???

[marie25]

Hello,

 

After about 1.5 months of a BU, I was given the opportunity every dumpee dreams for - my ex realized that he loved me and wanted to work things through (broke up because mix of an UNHEALTHY relationship - not abuse but immaturity and communication problems). He also tried dating this girl in the break that he has always had a crush on but always didn't go there bc he was in a relationship w me.

 

Anyways, I really do love him of course, and decided to try working through the reconciliation. I had a lot of deal with - lies on his part, past unhealthy behaviors on both ends, his feelings towards this girl (they didn't do ANYTHING physical but the emotional aspect is enough to deal w). So it's definitely been hard. Also, we have never really had a healthy relationship when we were together. However, I have seen him work super hard at us (buy relationship and communication books on his own, go to Cafe and take notes on it, watch videos) in the past and he talks now about how he "doesn't want the unhealthy relationship from the past."

 

Currently I am at a fork in the road. Everyone is telling me to leave the relationship in the past and not give it another serious go. It never worked before so why now?

The other side of me tells me that we both still love each other, can work hard at the communication and being mature (both learned a lot apart about our behaviors - not perfect since it was only 1.5 months so I am not gonna exaggerate and say we are different people at this point). I've seen his drive and commitment to work on things and it's honestly something I've never seen in anyone else/heard from other couples.

 

Opinions? Word of advice?

[Purepony]

I would honestly say if you really believe he wants to change and you are still in love with them I would say do it I know I would buy be advised it's a tough road ahead because your both going to have to change and put 110% but if successful you'll be glad you did

[emmalouise]

I think if you truly believe you can work at it, then go for it. You both need to work at it, but I would say that the moment you start having doubts, walk away. You can't be in a relationship if you have a single doubt, it would completely eat away at you.

Don't listen to other people, they just want what they think is best for you, but only you can decide that.

Try taking it slow and steady and see what happens. You obviously want to give it a go but you're just scared it wont work. But what if it does? I know its a cliche, but follow your heart. Explain to him that this is his last chance, and both of you work at this. It can't all be down to him to change. Good luck

[Redhead14]

Hello,

 

After about 1.5 months of a BU, I was given the opportunity every dumpee dreams for - my ex realized that he loved me and wanted to work things through (broke up because mix of an UNHEALTHY relationship - not abuse but immaturity and communication problems). He also tried dating this girl in the break that he has always had a crush on but always didn't go there bc he was in a relationship w me.

 

Anyways, I really do love him of course, and decided to try working through the reconciliation. I had a lot of deal with - lies on his part, past unhealthy behaviors on both ends, his feelings towards this girl (they didn't do ANYTHING physical but the emotional aspect is enough to deal w). So it's definitely been hard. Also, we have never really had a healthy relationship when we were together. However, I have seen him work super hard at us (buy relationship and communication books on his own, go to Cafe and take notes on it, watch videos) in the past and he talks now about how he "doesn't want the unhealthy relationship from the past."

 

Currently I am at a fork in the road. Everyone is telling me to leave the relationship in the past and not give it another serious go. It never worked before so why now?

The other side of me tells me that we both still love each other, can work hard at the communication and being mature (both learned a lot apart about our behaviors - not perfect since it was only 1.5 months so I am not gonna exaggerate and say we are different people at this point). I've seen his drive and commitment to work on things and it's honestly something I've never seen in anyone else/heard from other couples.

 

Opinions? Word of advice?

 

How long have you been "attempting" reconciliation?

[marie25]

How long have you been "attempting" reconciliation?

 

I want to say that we haven't truly attempted it yet. I am currently studying a few hours away (LD relationship - neither of us either had a problem w it so that was never the issue), and truly can't be vulnerable with him/go forward/etc until i actually see him in person. I am going back home next week on Monday.

 

But we have been talking again and decided to "reconcile" about two weeks ago.

[Redhead14]

I want to say that we haven't truly attempted it yet. I am currently studying a few hours away (LD relationship - neither of us either had a problem w it so that was never the issue), and truly can't be vulnerable with him/go forward/etc until i actually see him in person. I am going back home next week on Monday.

 

But we have been talking again and decided to "reconcile" about two weeks ago.

 

I don't understand this thinking then. Why are you already asking questions and wondering if you haven't actually spent some real time to see if a change can/will/is happening? He's apparently putting in some effort right now to work on things on his part, so chill and give it some time. LDR though is going to really put a damper on the ability to observe objectively, that's for darn sure.

 

truly can't be vulnerable -- Don't be vulnerable, be strong and observant and make effort on your part as well. Vulnerable is being weak. Just be objective, open and honest with him PERIOD.

[marie25]

I don't understand this thinking then. Why are you already asking questions and wondering if you haven't actually spent some real time to see if a change can/will/is happening? He's apparently putting in some effort right now to work on things on his part, so chill and give it some time. LDR though is going to really put a damper on the ability to observe objectively, that's for darn sure.

 

truly can't be vulnerable -- Don't be vulnerable, be strong and observant and make effort on your part as well. Vulnerable is being weak. Just be objective, open and honest with him PERIOD.

 

You know, I think I ultimately agree. I just fear that things will stay unhealthy and I will keep telling myself "If we both just try harder, things will get better." and suddenly it's been years and I'm still with this person haha. That's what has happened in the past - I suppose I don't trust myself and think that now is the easiest time to back away if I decide that it isn't worth it bc not as much emotions involved now.

 

But then there is the hope. Just hope it isn't false hope haha.

[preraph]

You could try marriage counseling and give it one more shot. Then at least you'd know you tried your best and it still didn't work -- or it would get a little better maybe.

 

Honestly, the biggest red flag is his lying. It's hard to rehabilitate a liar.

[marie25]

You could try marriage counseling and give it one more shot. Then at least you'd know you tried your best and it still didn't work -- or it would get a little better maybe.

 

Honestly, the biggest red flag is his lying. It's hard to rehabilitate a liar.

 

Agreed. I haven't decided yet what to do. I might see him in person on a neutral standpoint and see how I feel. Then again, might not be a good idea bc it will likely spin me towards the "reconciliation" direction just based on emotion..

 

Perhaps I shouldn't do anything between us until I become more certain about a path. Like stay friends until I know what to do.

[Goodguy05]

You know, I think I ultimately agree. I just fear that things will stay unhealthy and I will keep telling myself "If we both just try harder, things will get better." and suddenly it's been years and I'm still with this person haha. That's what has happened in the past - I suppose I don't trust myself and think that now is the easiest time to back away if I decide that it isn't worth it bc not as much emotions involved now.

 

But then there is the hope. Just hope it isn't false hope haha.

 

Tough call. For sure. All I can do is provide my own experience wat I've experienced. Current ex broke up a few mths ago broke up so many times it never changed she chased and chased and now has put me in a very peculiar situation we work together and it's not been fun painful for me she in the end dumped me after 6 yrs after all the drama I went thru wth her her custody battle wth her kids she moves a 1000 ks to be wth well supposedly me but she also had the opportunity of a better job. Anyway long story short now I hav to work wth her and see her every friggin day to the point it's making me think about bailing and moving bac hom yet why shld i uproot myself. And it's because this is a regional area there aren't many well paid jobs and this one pays well. So I'm in a dilemma. I've found situations or people rarely change. However don't make it so easy to reconcile because part of the brain that connects wth the easy path and that's wat we humans do if enough time hasn't elapsed we humans generally look for the easiest path wich means back to the same old patterns familiar ground be aware of that wen reconciling if u see a real change lines have to be drawn

[preraph]

Agreed. I haven't decided yet what to do. I might see him in person on a neutral standpoint and see how I feel. Then again, might not be a good idea bc it will likely spin me towards the "reconciliation" direction just based on emotion..

 

Perhaps I shouldn't do anything between us until I become more certain about a path. Like stay friends until I know what to do.

 

If you have an overriding instinct about what feels most right or gives you the most comfort to do, I would follow that instinct. Even if it goes against rational thought. If walking away sounds appealing, by all means do it. If delving in again keeps driving you, then do it under controlled circumstances like counseling. My feeling is your gut is going to tell you if it's over for you, regardless of how he feels or what he does. Sometimes there is no going back.

[marie25]

If you have an overriding instinct about what feels most right or gives you the most comfort to do, I would follow that instinct. Even if it goes against rational thought. If walking away sounds appealing, by all means do it. If delving in again keeps driving you, then do it under controlled circumstances like counseling. My feeling is your gut is going to tell you if it's over for you, regardless of how he feels or what he does. Sometimes there is no going back.

 

It's such a tough call really. I could let the love go, but call it a loss. He is my first love actually so I am likely to experience another one that is less complicated. That would just mean not giving something another chance that might have been great. Essentially, not much to lose if I try again. Regret that I didn't try again if I don't.

 

As you can see, I have been doing a lot of back and forth with myself haha.

I think I may just need to give this some time and distance between me and him to think clearly.

 

What do you guys think - would seeing him next week be a BAD idea given that it will steer me one way via emotions?

 

I have been talking to a lot of people about this - but do people normally feel this confused or hesitance with a break up? Like the people I talked to seemed to have had the experience that it was very clear to them and while they felt sad to do it sometimes, there was little confusion or debate. But this is soooooo difficult for me to know whether or not I should do.

[BluesPower]

I don't if this matters, because I kind of think that if the guy at his age is really working on the relationship and himself, that is kind of a big thing.

 

Guys, especially young ones, and just completely un-self-aware. I might bode well to see if he can get there. He may be smart enough to really grow.

 

But then there is this. I am just out of a 26 year horrible marriage.

 

My main GF and I have actually a pretty effortless relationship both emotionally and sexually. Yeah we have to talk about stuff but we are always thinking of each other and we are old enough and self-aware enough to be open an honest with each other about how we fell. Maybe it is our age or/and our experience. I really don't know.

 

All I can say it that we are totally comfortable with each other in every way. We actually both make each other more calm and content by just being with each other, and I am not talking about just the sex. If we go to dinner or what a move or spend time in any way with each other, we both feel more calm and content.

 

It is kind or weird, or maybe this is how it is supposed to be and neither of us have ever understood that? Who knows?

[Goodguy05]

It's such a tough call really. I could let the love go, but call it a loss. He is my first love actually so I am likely to experience another one that is less complicated. That would just mean not giving something another chance that might have been great. Essentially, not much to lose if I try again. Regret that I didn't try again if I don't.

 

As you can see, I have been doing a lot of back and forth with myself haha.

I think I may just need to give this some time and distance between me and him to think clearly.

 

What do you guys think - would seeing him next week be a BAD idea given that it will steer me one way via emotions?

 

I have been talking to a lot of people about this - but do people normally feel this confused or hesitance with a break up? Like the people I talked to seemed to have had the experience that it was very clear to them and while they felt sad to do it sometimes, there was little confusion or debate. But this is soooooo difficult for me to know whether or not I should do.

It is definatly normal to feel this way it's ur decision in the end feom wat i can gleam I think u wanna try and give it another go so go wth that

[marie25]

hello all,

 

this context is coming from someone who ended back up with her first love after about a two month break. there are a few threads about my story so i won't go into it.

 

just wanted to pop back onto Love Shack and say, from someone who was a heartbroken dumpee, who so badly longed for that fateful "i want you back text/call", and THEN actually got it and ended up back in a relationship, here is what i would say to those dealing with a fresh broken heart but having those desperate feelings of desiring reconciliation:

 

1. im not gonna say don't think about reconciliation - because thats impossible to those that do want it badly. just try your best to move on. there will be a period of time, maybe a few days or weeks, to months, depending on the person, where all you will think about is waiting around for that reconciliation text. this is the stage where you have realized that the begging didn't work, you know the wonders of NC in terms of "getting the ex" to actually start feeling your absence, but now you are just waiting around for the text.

 

i will tell you right now that this is delaying your healing. but healing is not a linear process. so this is an essential part of healing for some, but try your best to understand that the relationship is over and there is absolutely no guarantee that you will end up back together.

 

i know, take a breath. thats extremely difficult to hear and especially process within yourself. but lean into the pain - don't run from it. face the storm and you will get over it quicker.

 

2. move on.

really, really do your best. you are still gonna miss them, but do all the right things. delete from FB, box away all their things, photos, etc. quit contact (although that should be step one). don't go places that you know they will be. avoid them. just focus on yourself.

 

something that helped me a lot in my breakup is realizing that ME is what really matters. i lost myself in my relationship. i found myself again in the breakup, and for THAT, well i would go through any amount of heartbreak again to ensure that i found myself and realized my own worth again.

 

going through a breakup was a beautiful thing for me. it made me a better person. that doesn't mean that i didn't look like a terrible mess within it, feel like sh*t, had panic attacks and no appetite, etc. but looking back, it was worth it.

 

3. my third point: so why would i advise moving on if i ended up w my ex anyway?

 

well, id say that the hardest part of reconciliation was that i felt like i needed more time healing from the breakup. the thing that happens when you haven't healed from the breakup, really honestly moved on and found happiness again, is that you enter into a relationship once again with that person and become needy/dependent/extremely fearful that they will leave once again. its not a good look haha.

 

i got over that part. but i basically had a good sense of self and was able to know when i needed to peel away and have more time alone. but for others, this might have just imploded the whole reconciliation or simply have been too painful (it was very painful at the beginning - another thing they don't tell you about reconciliations).

 

anyways, if there was a big point to this post, it would be to move on no matter what happens. even if you two reconcile, you will be in a much better position once you have found your happiness again without them.

 

best of luck to all.

[babysacay]

Hello Marie,

 

I read your story and am working on truly moving on. It's my birthday today and measly Day 1 of NC. I'm curious, how did your reconciliation come about and how is it going currently?

[Wishes23]

Hello Marie,

 

I read your story and am working on truly moving on. It's my birthday today and measly Day 1 of NC. I'm curious, how did your reconciliation come about and how is it going currently?

 

Happy Birthday Babysacay! You're really beautiful! Can I help you move on?

[Thistooshallpass21]

This post is spot on. I've been there and done that. Another note I'd like to add is: even if you do reconcile there is still that chance it won't work out. I had a four month time gap between break up and reconciliation, did not even expect it to happen as I didn't start the talks of reconciliation. Thought things would be great as I truly did love that person, however, the same thing occurred as the first break up. That last break up hurt more than the first. It's been about a year and half since the final break up, still think about that person every day. However, I am very happy with my life. So again it may not work out, but remember to be happy with your life before you jump back into it. Everything happens for a reason friends whether it's for good or for a lesson

[marie25]

Hello Marie,

 

I read your story and am working on truly moving on. It's my birthday today and measly Day 1 of NC. I'm curious, how did your reconciliation come about and how is it going currently?

 

I congratulate you on what is now a few days of NC. It's a hard at first but you will be surprised how quickly you feel better after initiating NC and making the decision to let your ex go.

 

To answer your question: at first it was very rough in that I really didn't expect to be able to get over the hurt of the breakup and other things, such as major trust issues. About two weeks in I realized that the reconciliation was moving too fast for me - thus causing many of these problems. I asked for a break, and we didn't talk for about two weeks. Afterwards, however, when we saw each other in person (it had been 2.5 months due to LD), it seemed like something shifted. I've had absolutely no problems since! (About two weeks).

 

I think the MAJOR thing I realized is that, while I want things to work out with him - at the end of the day, if it is not adding only mostly positivity to my life - I am going to let it go. Thus, so far it has been, but we will see :-) I am happy any way it goes - we will all be just fine in the end !

[fromheart]

I congratulate you on what is now a few days of NC. It's a hard at first but you will be surprised how quickly you feel better after initiating NC and making the decision to let your ex go.

 

To answer your question: at first it was very rough in that I really didn't expect to be able to get over the hurt of the breakup and other things, such as major trust issues. About two weeks in I realized that the reconciliation was moving too fast for me - thus causing many of these problems. I asked for a break, and we didn't talk for about two weeks. Afterwards, however, when we saw each other in person (it had been 2.5 months due to LD), it seemed like something shifted. I've had absolutely no problems since! (About two weeks).

 

I think the MAJOR thing I realized is that, while I want things to work out with him - at the end of the day, if it is not adding only mostly positivity to my life - I am going to let it go. Thus, so far it has been, but we will see :-) I am happy any way it goes - we will all be just fine in the end !

 

 

 

Appreciate your intial post, but it sounds like you have taken him back conditionally. You have the power here, the one who decides whether the relationship moves forward or not. 'I am going to let it go if...,' are your words to describe the relationship.

 

You have the ability to dump him and take him back, and deep down you've probably lost respect for a man who allows this to happen to him.

 

If a woman spoke this way about my relationship with her, I'd walk away and not look back. Though I never take back dumpers anyway, as this creates serial dumpers.