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I want this guy back


fishponds7

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Hi all.

 

I met a guy last year. I just moved to a new city for my masters, and he is the same. We hit it off immediately, jumped into bed very quickly, and hung out every single day for an entire month (I was practically living at his place). It was pretty intense and we do everything together. It was sweet but not roses and rainbows. He's introverted, shy, and has few friends. We sort of lazily skipped all the courtship, game-playing, budding romance, dinner dates and just became a couple.

 

However he is very emotionally withdrawn. He would get dismissive or withdrawn when I get emotional, talk about his emotions or ask his dating history. 90% of the time we do what he wants, the other 10% its always a struggle. He will ignore my wants until I kick a fuss. Sometimes we go out and I catch him looking at other girls. He's also critical of me sometimes, leading to small quarrels. He slapped me across my thigh (probably as a joke) once, when I got really angry, he hit me harder again in the same way. Just to gain control? I have a lot of male friends back in my home city (I'm extroverted and a social butterfly), one or two sort of like me, and he always want to know who I am talking to and what we are talking about.

 

I had the "where is this relationship" heading conversation. He told me he don't know what he wanted in the longer term future (settled life, change jobs or travel first, where he will live), he liked me but we only met a short time ago. Which is reasonable but does unsettle me. I had been in a few bad doormat-ish relationships before and it raises all kinds of insecurity demons.

 

So I started to believe he is controlling, selfish, mean, bringing me down, emotional-unavailable and only using me for sex. I started sulking more, picking fights, and eventually walked out. Even when he looked miserable he refused to engage me emotionally. And I cannot deal with being shut out. At first he tried to get me back. But when my anger didn't subside he just gave up. After calming down, I apologised, said I miss him and tried to go back to him, but he didn't reply and blocked me on chat. So what do I do? I media-stalked him and found posted pictures of me and us two together, and emotional heartbreak songs. So I got angry all over again and started Offensive Number 2. How can he not communicate with me and then splash it all over the net? He has no respect! He apologised and removed the photos.

 

That began a few months of sometimes logging on at the same time and just sat there not talking, taking turns to block each other, and writing enigmatic posts that allude to each other. Childish stuff. What else can I say without losing my dignity? I said everything, from angry to apologetic to clingy, to get a response. Like LONG emotional essays. Everything is met with SILENCE.

 

It's been 6 months! The relationship has mostly faded off. But I still see whats he's been up to once a day with a fake account. It's so pathetic and I hate myself for it. But I cannot stop. Like a habit. I feel like he's the one that got away because it was my fault. I got 2 new love potentials who are arguably nicer guys but I kept thinking he can't have forgotten me yet, he's going to come back to me one of these days. Any day now. All the communication channels are there, he just need to use it.

 

Advice?

And how to sort of... offer an olive branch without appearing to grovel. I have decided to date other guys but I want to keep the door open in case he even wants to knock again.

Edited by fishponds7
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"He slapped me across my thigh (probably as a joke) once, when I got really angry, he hit me harder again in the same way"

 

Stopped reading here, run and never look back he's an abusive man there's no need to keep the door open for him.

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He is physically and emotionally abusive and controlling.

Yet another "doormat" type relationship to add to your list, but in the meantime you have turned into a cyber stalker.

Stop that immediately

Get help by seeking out a therapist asap.

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However he is very emotionally withdrawn. He would get dismissive or withdrawn its always a struggle. He will ignore my wants until I kick a fuss. I catch him looking at other girls. He's also critical of me sometimes, leading to small quarrels. He slapped me across my thigh (probably as a joke) once, when I got really angry, he hit me harder again in the same way.

 

he is controlling, selfish, mean, bringing me down, emotional-unavailable and only using me for sex.

 

It's been 6 months! The relationship has mostly faded off.

 

Advice?

And how to sort of... offer an olive branch without appearing to grovel. I have decided to date other guys but I want to keep the door open in case he even wants to knock again.

 

 

He HIT YOU! Not once but three times.

 

 

Him being emotionally closed off, controlling, mean & selfish is not your fault. You didn't ruin this relationship. However you trying to fix the broken parts of him so he can he the BF you want -- engaging, caring, talkative & kind -- is an exercise in futility. He does not possess those qualities & never will. Getting him back just puts you in a relationship that wasn't fulfilling your needs in the first place.

 

 

Do not keep this door open. Stop cyber stalking him. Focus on you, your studies & your healing. When you are over him go find a nice guy who actually likes you & who wants to be in a relationship with you.

 

 

This was a mistake the first time. Why repeat it?

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Yes... :'(

I have been doing a lot of internal work over the past relationships I alluded to. And the pattern of men I'm drawn to etc. etc. Which is why I can recognise some of the examples I said (all true) about him is not acceptable and walked off. But there's also sweetness and care, which I didn't mention.

 

In fairness, there's more about me too. The things I said when I was angry wasn't nice. It was very destructive and all about trying to destroy his self esteem. I was so blind angry. He panicked when I walked out. He already apologised. But I wanted more. I wanted to force him into a corner so I can have a behaviour negotiation, or lose everything. I used myself as bargaining chip and lost. By doing so I lowered my own value and turned it into this circus. I don't think that's cool either. And 6 months ago, excruciatingly painful.

 

No matter how unacceptable his actions, as much as I come from a place of insecurity, so did he. So by attacking his weakness I am no better. And I am in love with him, his imperfections, for all the good memories we shared. This relationship was full of missteps. I'm just trying to say hurting him don't make me feel good now, when the anger is gone. I think I'm trying to undo something on my part.

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If you can see the faults & flaws in yourself, take some time to be single & improve your own self esteem. You need to be more at peace & in control of yourself before you can move forward to a healthy relationship with a new person.

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The sweetness is part of the cycle in abusive relationships, that's why most of abused men and women stay or comeback to their abusers, it's called trauma bonding ( Stockholm syndrome). You might want to read a book called "Why does he do that" by lundy bancroft.

 

Move on and work on yourself, you deserve better.

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