I screwed up

[MSB123]

I did screw up. Big time. C'est La Vie. But not exactly.

 

OK, I want some opinions here. And if I am an Ahole tell me that too. I'll try to keep this short if possible.

 

GF and I have been together nearly two years. We are both divorced. We both have kids, she had her kid fairly young and is out of the house and doing ok on her own. Mine live with their mom most of the time.

 

A few years ago I was in a serious relationship with a girl and we were going to buy a house, etc....blah blah blah - basically commit to one another and without delving into another completely separate story, she completely screwed me over. Didnt quite work out to say the least.

 

So I have been having a problem trusting my current gf, she is all over the map in terms of buying a house together. And us - but most of the time she is on board with it. Although she may want a big house one day, and a small house another day. We do about 99% of everthing and are very active outdoors. So about a month ago she bought something to do outside and didnt include me. She was mad at me at the time when she did it. Whatver, I got over it. Its good to have separate time too right?

Then she got pissed at me at Xmas because she was sick and PMS-ing. I waited on her hand and foot for the whole time she was sick. Told ne not to talk to her for two days. WTF? And you want me to sell my house and basically buy you one?

 

Keep in mind this girl wants to buy a house together (of which all of the down payment would be coming from me) and yes - marriage is occasionally mentioned but mostly by me. If I am selling my house and commmuting, I want her to commit also. Financially if this fails I am the one effed over.

 

So anyway...she works with this guy, same age, and says she isnt interested in him. at all. I know he isnt really her type, but she texts him (mostly about work according to her) and he is married and not exactly fit (I am super fit physically). But he also complains about his wife to her. And they share an office and so are in close quarters. So last week she was complaining to me that he was sick, etc. Sent me a whole bunch of different texts about him.

 

Later that day we got in an argument and I tried to bring this person up calmly, and she turned it around and mentioned every girl I work with. None of whom I text (dont even have their #'s). One is a different race than me that I am not interested in, and the other is a grandma way way older than me. She gets out of bed and goes to sleep in the couch. So I get pissed off and take a drive to cool off, leaving her house. I didnt say anything, just took off.

 

I came back about a 1/2 hour later and crawled into bed with her. I didnt even think she was awake. I grabbed her hand and it was completely limp so I turned around to try and sleep since it was super late and we both had work in the morning. She tells me that I should leave and that is the end of the relationship.

 

So I drive home, sleep two hours, go to work and am exhausted. Leave after a few hours and get some booze to chill out and make sure I fall asleep early. We text a little bit that day and iron everything out, but I am in chill mode. And going nowhere.

 

She gets pissed at me and then I drink more and end up getting super sh*tfaced and cant remember much. But I basically tore into her and called her a bunch of names. I woke up in the morning and went to work, my texts to her were all deleted and I didn't know what I said.

 

I texted her a little bit and she FW'd me the crap I said and it was really bad. I basically laid into her about her coworker and called her a bunch of super crappy names. I know I am completely wrong for doing so, and amn hugely ashamed and embarrassed. Stupid alcohol. There is no way I would say anything negative to her if I hadn't been drinking.

 

So now she says we are done. Yet we are still talking via text. Its only been a few days but she hasn't changed her mind. I told her I would take her on a trip to make it up to her. Not that anything will excuse my behavior.

 

I really want this to work and will do anything for her. But she told me this isn't fixable, yet we still talk until we go to sleep, and tale pretty much right away in the morning. and like i said, its only been a few days. And then I think of all the other issues concerning her short tempered alienating of me. Ugh.

 

Do I wait or let her go? Because this is absolutely tearing me up inside. I know it has only been 4 days...should I give her more time to recover? Or keep torturing myself as she says that its all over. Very confusing.

 

Thanks.

Edited January 13, 2017 by MSB123

[CommittedToThis]

last week she was complaining to me that he was sick, etc. Sent me a whole bunch of different texts about him.

 

Hey there,

 

This, alone, would cause me to turn and run for the hills; experience has taught me that women who rub other men's faces in their partner's face are trouble and to be avoided at all costs.

 

The fact she flipped your concerns right back on to you (ie. you having female co-workers) to me screams "projection!"

 

I would continue with actual "no contact" and move forward without her but it's your call. Wishing you the best with your decision.

[mightycpa]

Funny how alcohol allows us to say what's simmering deep inside. I get the feeling you're conflicted about what to do, and that, ironically, is your answer.

 

Give her the old heave-ho. If she has a bunch of stuff at your house, get on Craigslist and find a guy who rents labor and a truck. When the guy arrives, summon your ex and explain that you've had a little time to think about it, and because you love her, you've decided to give her what exactly she wants. Tell her that you heard her, it's over and wish her good luck. Tell her that because you need some time to process your emotions, that she shouldn't contact you until she hears from you. Then introduce her to Mr. Craigslist and start pointing out the things that need to go.

 

Then block her a$$ and count your lucky stars and never talk to her again. You make her sound like a real piece of work and you're clearly not happy with her. All you have to do is admit it to yourself.

[Steve_H]

I did screw up. Big time. C'est La Vie. But not exactly.

 

OK, I want some opinions here. And if I am an Ahole tell me that too. I'll try to keep this short if possible.

 

GF and I have been together nearly two years. We are both divorced. We both have kids, she had her kid fairly young and is out of the house and doing ok on her own. Mine live with their mom most of the time.

 

A few years ago I was in a serious relationship with a girl and we were going to buy a house, etc....blah blah blah - basically commit to one another and without delving into another completely separate story, she completely screwed me over. Didnt quite work out to say the least.

 

So I have been having a problem trusting my current gf, she is all over the map in terms of buying a house together. And us - but most of the time she is on board with it. Although she may want a big house one day, and a small house another day. We do about 99% of everthing and are very active outdoors. So about a month ago she bought something to do outside and didnt include me. She was mad at me at the time when she did it. Whatver, I got over it. Its good to have separate time too right?

Then she got pissed at me at Xmas because she was sick and PMS-ing. I waited on her hand and foot for the whole time she was sick. Told ne not to talk to her for two days. WTF? And you want me to sell my house and basically buy you one?

 

Keep in mind this girl wants to buy a house together (of which all of the down payment would be coming from me) and yes - marriage is occasionally mentioned but mostly by me. If I am selling my house and commmuting, I want her to commit also. Financially if this fails I am the one effed over.

 

So anyway...she works with this guy, same age, and says she isnt interested in him. at all. I know he isnt really her type, but she texts him (mostly about work according to her) and he is married and not exactly fit (I am super fit physically). But he also complains about his wife to her. And they share an office and so are in close quarters. So last week she was complaining to me that he was sick, etc. Sent me a whole bunch of different texts about him.

 

Later that day we got in an argument and I tried to bring this person up calmly, and she turned it around and mentioned every girl I work with. None of whom I text (dont even have their #'s). One is a different race than me that I am not interested in, and the other is a grandma way way older than me. She gets out of bed and goes to sleep in the couch. So I get pissed off and take a drive to cool off, leaving her house. I didnt say anything, just took off.

 

I came back about a 1/2 hour later and crawled into bed with her. I didnt even think she was awake. I grabbed her hand and it was completely limp so I turned around to try and sleep since it was super late and we both had work in the morning. She tells me that I should leave and that is the end of the relationship.

 

So I drive home, sleep two hours, go to work and am exhausted. Leave after a few hours and get some booze to chill out and make sure I fall asleep early. We text a little bit that day and iron everything out, but I am in chill mode. And going nowhere.

 

She gets pissed at me and then I drink more and end up getting super sh*tfaced and cant remember much. But I basically tore into her and called her a bunch of names. I woke up in the morning and went to work, my texts to her were all deleted and I didn't know what I said.

 

I texted her a little bit and she FW'd me the crap I said and it was really bad. I basically laid into her about her coworker and called her a bunch of super crappy names. I know I am completely wrong for doing so, and amn hugely ashamed and embarrassed. Stupid alcohol. There is no way I would say anything negative to her if I hadn't been drinking.

 

So now she says we are done. Yet we are still talking via text. Its only been a few days but she hasn't changed her mind. I told her I would take her on a trip to make it up to her. Not that anything will excuse my behavior.

 

I really want this to work and will do anything for her. But she told me this isn't fixable, yet we still talk until we go to sleep, and tale pretty much right away in the morning. and like i said, its only been a few days. And then I think of all the other issues concerning her short tempered alienating of me. Ugh.

 

Do I wait or let her go? Because this is absolutely tearing me up inside. I know it has only been 4 days...should I give her more time to recover? Or keep torturing myself as she says that its all over. Very confusing.

 

Thanks.

 

You should wait...

4 days is nothing and if you really want to WIN her back there are plenty of advice sites to advise you on the 30 day no contact system.

 

But I will add my 5 cents worth with:

 

"at Xmas because she was sick and PMS-ing"

As soon as a man blames an argument with his partner on her PMS I know he has no valid point to make and is merely clutching at self-serving validation. We all suffer from mood swings and changes of temperament. Stop blaming women for stuff we ALL do.

 

"Stupid alcohol. There is no way I would say anything negative to her if I hadn't been drinking."

And then he blames Alcohol for his actions rather than admitting that his actions were his own.. Stupid Alcohol or stupid alcoholic. The buck stops with you...

 

"So about a month ago she bought something to do outside and didn't include me. She was mad at me at the time when she did it. Whatver, I got over it."

So you throw these words at us that have almost no meaning as sentences except that they are supposed to bring us onside with you. You have a gripe. You DIDN'T get over IT or you wouldn't be bringing IT up. Whatever IT is...

 

"So I have been having a problem trusting my current gf"

Why? Because she is unsure of committing to buying a house with you? Because you have different ideas on what you want to buy? Do you think rather SHE may be having trouble trusting YOU?

[MSB123]

All good points and things to take into consideration. Funny how the different sexes have advice that is completely opposite. Which is a pretty good snapshot of the dichotomy of relationships.

 

I never said I was perfect, and each and every opportunity is a learning experience if both can stay engaged and talk about things. Communication is both ways.

 

And I dont make the excuses for her mood swings, that is what she tells me. I'm not blaming any mood on a particular item, I know we as humans fluctuate wildly on a day to day basis.

 

The drinking was a poor decision and not a normal. I'm too busy and active to have it fit as a day to day occurrence. And I owned my eff up and didnt hide behind anything, maybe I wasnt clear here, but I was to her.

 

I stepped back and gave her a bunch of space...if its meant to be it'll work out. if not then life will go on and I'm sure we will both be just fine in the long run.

[Deidre]

End it. That's my advice. You didn't screw up, she is telling you about a guy over and over again that she is ''not'' interested in? lol

 

For your own peace of mind, end it. She sounds like someone who likes making her bf's jealous...RUNNNN...

[DKT3]

Yeah I would just keep on moving without her. This is classic gaslighting which means she is at least crushing on this guy.

 

Also you should not bank on physical attractiveness, go check out a thread in the other woman section were the vast majority of those women say their husbands/boyfriend is better looking than the guy they're cheating with.

[MSB123]

Gaslight anthem? I agree. Haven't talked to her other than a generic hello this morning. I have so many more reasons to walk as opposed to stay. I gave everything I had for her - she took it all and asked for more. I seriously think she has borderline personality disorder. Gets angry so easily. So quickly.

[sandylee1]

There's way too much drama in this relationship. I'd move on.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I'm not going to pass judgement on who is right and who is wrong in this situation. However, it is clear that there is a lot of petty arguments and resentment building on both sides.

 

If you want to make this relationship work then I think you should ask her if she would be willing to undertake some couple's counselling with you to help work on the relationship issues together.

 

I would definitely recommend you do this before even considering making a huge commitment, like buying a house.

 

It may be a lost cause at this point, but it is what I would do before giving things another shot.

[Been]

Work is work. She's lying about her coworker. And I'll bet the three of you have never hung out togeather.

Funny she wants to buy a house but has no money for a down payment. BUT you do.

You didn't screw up. Your gut is telling you she isn't honest and your not listening. Fact that she tried to switch it up on your coworkers tells me all I need to know. KICK HER to the curb.

[Downtown]

I seriously think she has borderline personality disorder. Gets angry so easily. So quickly.

MSB, your GF's getting angry at Christmas when "she was sick and PMS-ing" is an example of being human, not BPD. If she is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong and persistent traits), you would have seen many instances -- over the past two years -- of her being unable to regulate her own emotions. Perhaps you have witnessed exactly that and have not yet had time to tell us about those other instances of temper tantrums. If so, and if you would like to discuss the BPD traits you've seen, it would be helpful if you would tell us which of the 18 BPD Warning Signs on my list are very strong -- and which don't apply.

[MSB123]

I have a BA in Human Behavior and also read an entire book about BPD, she exhibits many many traits. I stopped talking to her though and am moving on, there are many reasons for this besides her issues. I tried to support her though everything and at this point its best if we BOTH move on. She concurs. We just arent good for one another, not anymore anyway.

 

Thanks to everyone that replied, it was very much appreciated.

[Steve_H]

I have a BA in Human Behaviour and also read an entire book about BPD, she exhibits many many traits.

 

This is a terrible and immature response and I want to butt in specifically because you are waving 'a course of study' and "I read a book once' around like you actually KNOW something and have some experience in your (FUTURE) field.

 

You read a book so now you can diagnose someone as BPD??? Is your standard of reference for BPD from now on going to be the one biased example of your EX? Do you realise how biased this is from your personal background???!!! And UNPROFESSIONAL into the future??!!

 

You are clutching at straws and trying to use recent information you have just learned as a new tool to further undermine your ex.

Please take some time to investigate emotional and personal growth possibilities. Vipassana is one option if nothing else is available

Best Steve

[Downtown]

This is a terrible and immature response and I want to butt in specifically because you are waving 'a course of study' and "I read a book once' around like you actually KNOW something and have some experience in your (FUTURE) field.

I disagree, Steve. MSB very likely DOES KNOW something about spotting the warning signs for BPD. Those red flags for BPD -- like the red flags for breast cancer and heart attack -- are easy to spot once you read the list of behavioral symptoms to look for. This is why hundreds of mental health centers have placed the list of BPD symptoms on their websites in an effort to educate the public.

 

Before MSB graduated high school, she likely was able to identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. She likely could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. She could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And she could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD.

 

Similarly, she should be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur. There is nothing subtle about behavioral symptoms such as temper tantrums, verbal abuse, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim." After dating her exGF for two years, MSB would have to be deaf, dumb, and blind to be unable to spot those warning signs.

 

You read a book so now you can diagnose someone as BPD???

Steve, MSB never claimed to diagnose anyone. Rather, she simply stated that her exGF "exhibits many many traits." You're confusing spotting warning signs for making a diagnosis. There is a world of difference between the two. If you're interested, I discuss this difference in greater detail in my post at Diagnosis vs Symptoms.

 

Is your standard of reference for BPD from now on going to be the one biased example of your EX? Do you realise how biased this is from your personal background???!!! And UNPROFESSIONAL into the future??!!

You have it backwards, Steve. MSB stated that her exGF exhibits many of the BPD symptoms identified in a book on BPD and in her classes on human behavior. Hence, her "standard of reference for BPD" is the set of warning signs learned in the book and classes. She then applied that standard to her exGF's behaviors in an effort to understand those behaviors.

[losangelena]

Bottom line, i think it sounds like y'all are just bad for each other, period. But you're no peach either, OP. To me, a man who would let resentment build up so badly to the point where he'd get blotto and send a bunch of abusive texts, is not good relationship material.

 

You can blame her and her periods and her supposed BPD all you want. Bottom line, you were with her for two years, and that was an active decision you made.

 

Move on from her, and if you haven't already, consider getting yourself a counselor so you can work through your past trust issues, boundary issues, and resentments.

[BlueIris]

Bottom line, i think it sounds like y'all are just bad for each other, period. But you're no peach either, OP. To me, a man who would let resentment build up so badly to the point where he'd get blotto and send a bunch of abusive texts, is not good relationship material.

 

You can blame her and her periods and her supposed BPD all you want. Bottom line, you were with her for two years, and that was an active decision you made.

 

Move on from her, and if you haven't already, consider getting yourself a counselor so you can work through your past trust issues, boundary issues, and resentments.

 

I agree.

 

I'd add, stop talking about buying houses with girlfriends. Financial entanglements are a big deal and already you were getting resentful about it.

 

Also, BPD is the popular mental health diagnosis these days (or the only possibility considered, with the disclaimer that it isn't a diagnosis) but people are incapable of assessing a partner so it's utterly pointless except as a way to paint oneself white and paint the partner black.

 

You two have some big communication and candor issues. That's not mental illness.

Edited January 18, 2017 by BlueIris

[NuevoYorko]

Before MSB graduated high school, she likely was able to identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. She likely could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. She could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And she could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD.

 

Seriously?!! And here I was, thinking that was all part of being an adolescent in high school.