boca Posted December 28, 2016 Share Posted December 28, 2016 (edited) Hello. I wasn't sure where to post this question, felt this category fit best and hope people see this thread. Please let me know if you think it belongs in a different category. My question is time sensitive and I am very anxious, I normally worry into inaction because I don't have certainty in answers. My situation is that I met someone on a dating app 2 years ago, but the person I connected with did not live in my city, and was only visiting, although I may move to his city in a year. We were romantically interested. Last year, he got into a relationship with someone local to him and we stayed in touch; he offered to meet when I visited. Now the time has come where I am able to visit, but I haven't contacted him yet. I believe he is in a relationship currently, but I know I will regret not saying hello when I am able, which is now. I believe I am truly ok with being friends, and appreciate him as a person even more now after more time with my current friends and dating partners. I don't have any aims but to see what is there in reality. We were in touch after he got into the relationship, so I believe he will be friendly when I reach out even though I haven't spoken to him in a while. However, i am beyond anxious because I don't want to make a mistake in the way I word things. For example, even though I remember many details about his life that I want an update on, if i start off asking all these questions and the names of his friends, etc, and talk about plans we made a year later it may be too intimate and inappropriate. If he were any other person i knew before, I'd simply say hey im in town, want to meet up? But for him I am very anxious and need to talk about this before contacting him. Current plan is to email or text him two weeks ahead of time casually saying why I'm there and that I would like to see him. I try to keep a casual message, but I keep worrying that I need to remind him of things he said before i reference them because assuming he remembers what he told me might be too much. Do I have to assure him I'm interested in meeting as friends, given our background? my desire to have him in my life is as strong as it was before his relationship and I fear the torment of inaction. Edited December 28, 2016 by boca Link to post Share on other sites
Kamila Posted December 28, 2016 Share Posted December 28, 2016 Why not speak on the phone first ? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 28, 2016 Share Posted December 28, 2016 I believe he is in a relationship currently, but I know I will regret not saying hello when I am able, which is now. I believe I am truly ok with being friends, and appreciate him as a person even more now after more time with my current friends and dating partners. I don't have any aims but to see what is there in reality. We were in touch after he got into the relationship, so I believe he will be friendly when I reach out even though I haven't spoken to him in a while. However, i am beyond anxious because I don't want to make a mistake in the way I word things. For example, even though I remember many details about his life that I want an update on, if i start off asking all these questions and the names of his friends, etc, and talk about plans we made a year later it may be too intimate and inappropriate. If he were any other person i knew before, I'd simply say hey im in town, want to meet up? But for him I am very anxious and need to talk about this before contacting him. If you honestly see him as nothing more than a friend and have no romantic interest in him whatsoever there is no way you would be agonizing this much over this. As you say yourself, if he were anyone else you knew before it would be easy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 28, 2016 Share Posted December 28, 2016 Are you going to move there soon, or even ever? If answer is no then do not contact him. Do you want a romantic relationship with him? If yes then contact to find out if he is seeing someone now. If he is seeing someone do not seek him out or tell him you are going to visit his city. Time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boca Posted December 28, 2016 Author Share Posted December 28, 2016 If you honestly see him as nothing more than a friend and have no romantic interest in him whatsoever there is no way you would be agonizing this much over this. As you say yourself, if he were anyone else you knew before it would be easy. i do care a lot, because i put a lot of stock in thinking things out before acting. I know if I don't come to a reasoned conclusion which makes sense to me, which requires talking to speed it up, this will eat away at me. It has happened in the past where I have asked questions about things in the past, and the person, platonic, will seem uncomfortable, but does not tell me the reason why. I want to remove obstacles like this so i can have the answer i want -- what there is in reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boca Posted December 28, 2016 Author Share Posted December 28, 2016 Why not speak on the phone first ? i am scared because i like to make sure I am ok with what I say at this early stage, but if convinced why this is better i would try to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boca Posted December 28, 2016 Author Share Posted December 28, 2016 Are you going to move there soon, or even ever? If answer is no then do not contact him. Do you want a romantic relationship with him? If yes then contact to find out if he is seeing someone now. If he is seeing someone do not seek him out or tell him you are going to visit his city. Time to move on. even though i would not be opposed, i don't think i can say i do right now. the point of contacting him is to see what there is in reality and to go from there. answer to first question is maybe, and that answer is rooted in reality. soon is relative, to me a year is time to plan for a big move, but maybe too early to start making connections. It's just I have an opportunity now, and it may save me a year of torment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boca Posted December 28, 2016 Author Share Posted December 28, 2016 I try to keep a casual message, but I keep worrying that I need to remind him of things he said before i reference them because assuming he remembers what he told me might be too much. Do I have to assure him I'm interested in meeting as friends, given our background? my desire to have him in my life is as strong as it was before his relationship and I fear the torment of inaction.m. its about more than him, even though he is a large part of it. I care more about him than a stranger. I care more about this particular interaction than with someone whose friendship with me is already established. If people can answer questions like the above it will remove a huge burden for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boca Posted December 28, 2016 Author Share Posted December 28, 2016 i thought of another option today, which would be to bypass any need to worry about how i come off with details of the life by rephrasing it so that the ball is in his court to make a meeting happen. so, sending him a private message that I still value him and would like to be in each others lives, and that i know it might be weird for him if he is in a relationship but not to worry about that because I just want to meet as friends. Then give him the time I will be there and to meet me if he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author boca Posted December 28, 2016 Author Share Posted December 28, 2016 commnets are moderated and are delayed in posting up here, so i can't edit my previous comment yet. THe problem with the last part is that i have less control with getting a physical meeting and the personal answers that come with it. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted December 29, 2016 Share Posted December 29, 2016 Moderator bump due to member's posts being auto-moderated for unknown reasons. Respondents please read back for at least 5 responses which were delayed. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Author boca Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 (edited) update: Met up with him and feel more connected to him than ever. He needs to hang out often to connect to me, i believe, and he said to contact him when I move there which we discussed. I know he does not feel the same way about me as I do with him but I feel it can be developed. He was in a relationship. Is it possible that he can feel close to me with time in person? He doesn't understand how I can feel this way without hanging out in person before this. i won't move until at least a year, so I'm contemplating laying it out there more that i am falling in love with him or to just fall back and see what's there when I move. In the past i explicitly said im not in love or that I don't want a relationship, and to some extent that is true, but I do want to truly see what is there and it looks like that will require me to be living there and to see if he can do that as a friend if he is in a relationship. Edited March 28, 2017 by boca Link to post Share on other sites
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