Does he want back?

[suyban]

Hello,

 

My husband and I divorced about 5 months ago. We've spent most of our adults lives together and it's been very traumatic for me. We have 3 kids together. Basically, I pushed for the divorce after years of what I thought were poor treatment from him. He basically did not put any effort into being a husband to me. He is a great dad as long as I tell him what to do. But he didn't want to spend fun time with me at all....no dates, would bust out the door as soon as kids went to bed. Sometimes coming home at 6am. Anytime I brought this issue up, he would go on and on about everything he does for us ("help" with the kids) and I kept telling him it was not enough for me, that I felt neglected and unloved. It felt like he was punching into a job with us and then having his real fun life with others. Eventually he even stopped sleeping with me and started treating me with contempt. I eventually pushed for divorce and he stayed in the house for a couple of months where it felt like I was in a war zone. I kept my cool but he would constantly be confrontational, eventually I locked him out of the house. He is a man with a lot of pride and like to keep up an image so I know being locked out of the house was a big blow to his ego. All that time, I tried reaching out to him to try to talk things through but was met with contempt and "I always told you if we divorce it would be final". I admit I list it at one point for several days and basically text vomited him and his family who were supposedly trying to help fix things between us. Finally he got his own place and I came to terms with the fact that we were divorced. He kept being rude to me and I just didn't engage and he eventually stopped being rude. He is actually now, very nice. Offering to do me favors, bringing me things when I get sick (even though I don't ask). He agrees to everything I ask him to do (kids and finances). He runs hot and cold though, he'll offer to do me a favor and then be cold to me for a couple of days. I don't get it. I get if he cuts me off, but for him to go out of his way to be nice and at my beck and call....and then be cold, I don't understand. I stopped asking him for favors and now he pushes it. What do you all think? Does he want back in? Confused? Indifferent? Or playing mind games? Please help. Every time I come to terms with moving on....he reaches out and does something nice to get my attention. I'm starting to think he may very well be the narcissist I kept accusing him of being. He has not brought up trying to fix things. Help!

[Satu]

Welcome to Loveshack.

 

 

It sounds like he's not sure what he wants, or perhaps he wants something one minute, and then wants something else the next.

 

It's confusing to deal with that kind of behaviour.

 

What do you want?

 

What do you think would be best for you and your children?

 

 

Take care.

[suyban]

Thank you Satu. I think our issues are something we can work out. I think we have too much history to not try. We have 3 beautiful kids and he's really good to them. I think he took me for granted and I'm not willing to get back together until he acknowledges that and resolves to change it.

[Satu]

Good that you know what you want to do.

 

His good relationship with the children is a big plus.

 

Make sure that you get all the issues out in the open, before you take the final step.

 

I feel sure that you'll do that.

 

 

Take care.

[PegNosePete]

Basically, I pushed for the divorce after years of what I thought were poor treatment from him. He basically did not put any effort into being a husband to me. He is a great dad as long as I tell him what to do. But he didn't want to spend fun time with me at all....no dates, would bust out the door as soon as kids went to bed. Sometimes coming home at 6am. Anytime I brought this issue up, he would go on and on about everything he does for us ("help" with the kids) and I kept telling him it was not enough for me, that I felt neglected and unloved. It felt like he was punching into a job with us and then having his real fun life with others. Eventually he even stopped sleeping with me and started treating me with contempt. I eventually pushed for divorce and he stayed in the house for a couple of months where it felt like I was in a war zone. I kept my cool but he would constantly be confrontational, eventually I locked him out of the house. He is a man with a lot of pride and like to keep up an image so I know being locked out of the house was a big blow to his ego. All that time, I tried reaching out to him to try to talk things through but was met with contempt and "I always told you if we divorce it would be final". I admit I list it at one point for several days and basically text vomited him and his family who were supposedly trying to help fix things between us. Finally he got his own place and I came to terms with the fact that we were divorced. He kept being rude to me and I just didn't engage and he eventually stopped being rude.

Is this the same guy you're talking about? That sounds awful. Why would you even consider taking such a man back after all that he has done?

 

It sounds like he's being nice because he wants a functional co-parenting schedule. That is great, it's good for you, good for the kids, good for everyone concerned.

 

But in my opinion you would have rocks in your head to even consider getting back into a relationship with him. It would be a matter or weeks before he want back to exactly how he was before.

[suyban]

You know I thought so too. But I know he can fix if he chooses to. But I go back and forth, I landed on that I would consider if he agrees to address the core issues.

 

I thought it was about co-parenting for a while too, then I made a rule that he can not continue to just hang out at my house with the kids and that he needed to take them out to his place or some where fun. I told him his constant presence was sending mixed messages and to make thing clear and respect my boundaries, he needs to establish his home as a seperate space for the kids and himself. When I made that rule, that's when he started pointedly asking me if I needed anything. Like I got sick last week and he hounded me asking if I want anything, like literally texts and then finally phone calls. I brushed it off and asked the kids if they wanted anything and he was like "no, what about you?". That gave me pause that maybe this is about more than just the kids. Whether to feed his ego or to try to begin to fix things, I don't know.

[stillafool]

It sounds like he's being nice to you because now you are nice to him. He is doing favors for you because you are the mother of his 3 kids and there are things you need that he must provide. I think he has another woman. No one stays out til 6AM unless they are with someone else. I don't think he wants to get back with you but is happy that you two have a good co-parenting relationship.

[suyban]

Well, I've been nice. But the last several weeks is the first time he has been pointed about my needs.

[PegNosePete]

Well, when he's "changed" for several months or even years, then you could say he has changed himself and possibly consider getting into another relationship.

 

But until then you would be well advised to simply be glad that there is no more drama and that you have a good co-parenting situation going on -- for now.

[lovingladyo4]

Sounds a little bit to me he's playing nice guy to avoid admitting he's been the bad guy. Like he's trying to make a comeback to make himself look good in his own eyes. That's just my initial feeling I get when I read this. But the sudden change of attitude is suspicious to me. He is definitely protecting himself first, the kids second, and convincing himself he is taking care of you too. Unfortunately, the kind of help he has available to give doesn't even come close to the deep needs you have for him to be emotionally present in the relationship.

 

Maybe something happened inside of him when the divorce was final and he re-evaluated his strategies for living out the next months and years. He obviously is in control now and seems to be enjoying that he comes across as a caring person, where in essesnse, if he really cared, his display of it and his behavior would be different.

 

It's hard to detect his real underlying motives here. Can you come right out and ask him what he is trying to accomplish? For himself? For you? What is at the heart of his actions?

 

I am sorry you have to struggle like this. No woman wants to ever question her worth to her man. He made a vow to you and found out he couldn't follow through. But hope is not lost. God is in the business of restoration through forgiveness. It is possible you both can have a change of heart and agree to live by certain principles; not based on feelings but on commitment. I learned in my marriage (my husband wanted to separate and not divorce so he could maintain his freedom without all the trouble attached) that love is not a feeling but it is an action. A choice to treat my husband in the excat way I would want him to treat me, expecting nothing in return. The world system would say that is ludicrous and outrageous. But there is so much power in forgiveness it's really is quite unbelievable.

 

I am living proof that when we treat others in the same way we want them to treat us, we can maintain a clear conscience; free of guilt, slander, hostility, resentment, bitterness, etc.

 

I would like to encourage you to go before God and ask Him what you should do. He loves you with an everlasting love, and loves your husband the same way. There is nothing we can do to earn God's love. It is free. And it changes us.

 

I think the more important part of this scenario is that you take care of your own heart first. There is a lot of pain and heartache going on there and it is all because of him. But once you decide to run your own life without that dependency on his input, you can be free to just be yourself, regardless of what he chooses to do with it.

 

I promise I will pray for you.

[suyban]

That's my main thought Lovinglady. He's just trying to appear like the nice guy, to himself and to others. I don't think he know how much he is messing with my emotions because I keep calm and don't show him my emotions anymore. I barely contact him unless I have to. I used to be the one texting once a day atleast trying to sort out kids and finaces, etc. Now, I just leave it and he texts me about those things. I am scared to ask him what he is trying to accomplish by doing me favors, because I don't think he's above crushing me with it. That's the sad reality. I truely hate that I would even consider taking him back. I really do.

 

You guys are right though, a few weeks is not enough to say he's changed. He does need to be consistent for much longer. I do wish he would stop doing me favors though, would it be appropriate to ask him to stop? I can't handle when he's kind, it hinders my moving on.

[LargoLagg]

Maybe he's just a lot happier now that he's divorced from you, and he's back to his old nice self.

 

I thought divorce was forever.

[suyban]

Highly doubt that. If he was, he wouldnt have been constantly hanging out at my house, taking naps, eating and chilling until I had to remind him he no longer lived at this house.

 

And no, I don't believe divorce is forever. Doesnt have to be.

[suyban]

Hi Everyone-

 

So quick update. I relaxed with this guy and he slipped into napping and eating dinner at the house when he picked up the kids from school. I had asked him before to just take the kids if we he wants to see and be with them but he refuses. I was tired of fighting and decided to just give in. So two-three days a week it was like the way it used to be. He was helpful around the house, tried to help me with things , bringing in the garbage,,taking out the garbage..making sure kids finished their homework, fixing leaky pipes...helping pay for extra stuff outside the child support he was paying. He would some times nap and homework wouldn't be done and I was getting irritated, he would ask me what's there to eat when I got home. All of these I admit I tolerated because I thought he was working on trying to put our family back together. However, last week I couldn't take it and called him after the kids went to bed.I asked him point blank if he was fully done and why was he still he around. He said he doesn't know if he's fully done but he doesn't know how he could be with someone who treated him so badly during the divorce (I locked him out, took him off my phone and car insurance plan, revealed a dirty little secret he had, all though in response to things he had done like refuse to pay child support while papers were going through..). Anyways I flat out said then that I don't want to be with someone that doesn;t want to be with me, and so for me to move on I need him to be around less. I told him he can take the kids to his place, we can work out a schedule, but I just could not have him around while I was trying to move on. He refused to accept that but instead said " we'll figure out, we always figure it out". This made me so mad...I just said by and hung. I sent him two texts but he still refused to take the option of taking the kids if he wants to see them. In fact he said "nothing is ever enough for you is it? ". At this point, I think he's being evil and vindictive. My only option is have him physically stopped from entering the house or from picking up the kids. I feel like he's trying to punish me. I'm coming to term with the fact that this is a person that does not want to reconcile, but also does not want me to heal. I have to actively do what's best for me now and I hate to drag the kids into it but I feel like he's using them against me. Am I crazy? I worry that he'll stop seeing them if I refuse him to hang out at the house...and I will hate myself for it....but I feel like he's being very selfish and I need to start taking care of myself. Am I crazy?

[stillafool]

It is not your responsibility to make him be a good father by wanting to see his kids. Tell him he has to make an appointment to pick them up or you'll drop them off for visitation. Simple as that. Don't let him in your house again.