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Breadcrumb Dilemma leading to NC - Any Advice? UPDATE: Internal struggle to ignore ex


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Hi, and thanks for reading and thanks to any readers that might want to chime in:

 

 

I was dumped by my girlfriend in a relationship that lasted 1 year. The breakup was due to her deeply rooted insecurity issues, but also I am to blame for being somewhat needy at times during the relationship, as she admitted at the end. She also said i tried to please her and she found that annoying - i didnt know i was doing this.

 

The breakup was very cold - she acted very un-empathetic and said some mean/hurtful things to me for what seemed like no reason. We lived together, and I started looking for a new place. I did the usual pleading and arguing to try to stay together for the first couple weeks after the breakup. I did not beg, but tried to resolve things, talk through our problems, tell her I still love her - she did not wish to talk about things at all - this pushed her further way (as we all know happens). Regained frame and self-respect, and started to ignore her. This caused her to text me a LOT - mostly meaningless things, seemingly to see if she could get my attention i.e. Breadcrumbs. I ignored 99% of these, and only responded if i absolutely needed to, but kept it short and to the point.

 

Did that for about 3 weeks. Never once did I get any hint of reconciliation in any texts or in-person communication. I then moved out. The day on and after I moved out, I kept getting breadcrumb texts, and photos of stuff sent to me, more meaningless texts. Nothing about reconciling. She sent me a bunch of photos of our old favorite location, a beautiful spot in the country. But nothing about giving the relationship another chance or wishing to talk about things. She also told me she was going to arrange our old place with some of the furniture i had built her as gifts during our relationship, now that i am moved out (its my hobby). At this point, I sent her a long, emotional text back (probably a bad idea), and I told her that her constant texting was making it difficult for me to move on, to please stop doing it, and I also called her out on some of her deep personal and insecurity issues that really caused the breakup. The text was harsh, firm, but honest and not meant to be hurtful.

 

Several days passed with nothing heard from her. I started to feel very guilty about sending the message, because I felt it was harsh and possibly taken as mean. I did not mean it to be mean or hurtful, but rather to convey that I basically don't want breadcrumbs, and to open her eyes to the insecurity issues for her own sake. I gave into the guilt and texted her several days later, apologizing for sending the harsh text, and told her I did not wish to end on a bad note. She responded that she wanted to meet with me over my new place. I agreed to it, and told her I'm glad there are no hard feelings between us. Later that night she cancelled, and told me that she doesn't think we should communicate anymore (she initiated NC on me). I responded to this by again telling her she was toying with my emotions with the mixed signals, and it seemed like she was playing games with me. She denied it. I wished her the best of luck in life, and I said goodbye.

 

I got a few more breadcrumb texts after that, for the next couple of days, not that many, but some. I actually replied to the last one with a brief answer. Then she stopped, completely. I have not written to her since.

 

I'm on week 2 of NC. I have heard nothing since that last one. I'm going to continue this NC, for as long as it takes. I'm trying to move on, but I really miss her. On one hand, I'm glad I'm no longer getting the breadcrumbs, because it was painful to hear from her but hear nothing about reconciliation. On the other hand, I miss hearing anything from her, because at least I knew I was on her mind. Hearing nothing is harder than I thought.

 

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I might never hear from her again for the rest of my life. I feel like if she loved me still, she would have reached out by now.. 2 weeks and nothing... I'm thinking she might have moved on and maybe never truly loved me. I am moving on myself, but also praying that she will reach out to me again, and maybe try to reconcile.. someday.

 

Do you guys think I'll ever hear from her again? Or should I give up all hope and block her number and delete it from my phone?

Edited by jamili
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Listen to what I'm about to say-I know-because your experience is identical to my own. (I'm on month 14).

 

There is nothing, absolutely nothing, good is going to come from contacting her. You will continue to get these texts. The intervals will become longer. As the interval increases you will begin to heal--BUT every meaningless text will set you back.

 

Here is why you're getting the texts. She is saying: Hey, I'm still here. Don't forget about me. BUT she doesn't want you back. She just doesn't want you to heal before her. It's selfish, and it's cruel. Now you know who and what she is-you know now what she is capable of.

 

Block her on EVERYTHING. If she succeeds in contacting you--only you are to blame for what happens next.

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Well man the same thing happened to me,it was even worse got dumped without a reason/explanation.

 

She started getting cold for no reason the last 2 weeks and we used to talk things over so i keep't asking,i know one thing for sure every time you try to pull her she is going to push you no matter what,i was needy in the last texts we both used to share the same emotions in the old times.

 

As soon as she realized that she got full control of me she started toying/playin around,keeping the messages 1-2 messages max daily ignoring me,and the last time i tried to pressure her to tell me what was wrong,she acted cool by telling me nuthin is wrong it's not true that i don't wanna talk to you,never answered my question keept ignoring it i asked her if she still has her old emotions and her answer was like(I don't know can't we just talk something else without questions,i really don't know what to say i don't have to say anything)

 

So basically she was saying all the right words and acting the opposite way and trying to tell me that you keep overthinking things trying to get me on a crazy state and she enjoyed it a lot,i was the one telling her not to overthink in the old times she used to overthink everything.

 

I wen't on a NC it's my 7th day nothing from her,i told her if she ever wants to continue i will be here or give it another shot,i really loved her with all my heart but right now she does not care and it kills me i want to drop another text the last time to apologize for pressuring her but i'm sure it will make the things even worse.

 

One little advice from my experience do not get caught on the Illusion of Action cuz it will only make things worse for you and make you look stupid, never ever do that even if it's hard or painful i can really feel you you should learn to respect yourself and move on,the more you pull the more she will push,at least she told you that she does not want to have a Relationship and my Girl Friend leaves me hanging,if she ever contacts you again just keep it short and call her out have fun and create the opportunity for sex to happen.

 

Peace up brother!

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NC is painful and so are the breadcrumb texts, the only difference is in time with NC the pain will ease, with breadcrumb texts you will be stuck in hurt. You need to continue NC and heal. You don't need to let her know you still care or around, she has moved on you do the same.

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I've been on the giving end of breadcrumbs before. I've known that's what I was doing, but when I felt friendly toward her, it seemed harsh to ignore texts. My ex said she just wanted to be friends, which I would have been happy to do, but I knew she still had feelings for me, because she'd keep blurting them out.

 

I still had feelings for her, too, but not enough that I wanted to get back together in spite of other issues. So I would answer texts, be friendly, then dance back when she wanted to start something new.

 

That's what breadcrumb giving can look like from the other side. It's not always with bad intentions.

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NC is painful and so are the breadcrumb texts, the only difference is in time with NC the pain will ease, with breadcrumb texts you will be stuck in hurt. You need to continue NC and heal. You don't need to let her know you still care or around, she has moved on you do the same.

 

Definitely, that's ultimately why i had to ask her to stop texting me. It was painful and just made me want her back more. But you think she really has moved on then, eh? I keep thinking she will be back, she must miss me and will realize how she threw away a good relationship in time after NC... but that is just an impossible fantasy that all of us on here share, isn't it?

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Cookiesandough

Title gore lol ...

But so sorry this has happened to you. Yes cut her off completely and be on way to healing/finding someone perfect for you so she can't continue playing this. You know what you must do. I'm sorry I know it's hard

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A lot of people believe NC is used to get their ex back. Let them miss me they will realise and come back. It rarely happens!! NC is for you to heal and take a step back from the situation, so you have clarity instead of the chemical imbalance in your head screaming for it's fix!

 

My ex cheated on me then started a relationship with her. I still missed him, and still wanted him back can you believe it? But it was literally my heart and the pain screaming, and I just wanted it to end. Until I went NC (1 day from him telling me), I still missed him and loved him. But I went from wanting him back to not all all pretty quickly, as I soon realised what a scumbag he was and I found my self respect again!

 

NC is hard but it really helps you heal and come to terms with the fact it's over. Missing is just part of a breakup even if you are the dumper. Don't read too much into it, if she is not saying lets get back together she doesn't want to. She just wants to know you are still around which isn't fair is it? She gets to move on while you are stuck and live in hope. The sooner you accept it and move on the quicker you will heal. You need to think about you now!

 

Definitely, that's ultimately why i had to ask her to stop texting me. It was painful and just made me want her back more. But you think she really has moved on then, eh? I keep thinking she will be back, she must miss me and will realize how she threw away a good relationship in time after NC... but that is just an impossible fantasy that all of us on here share, isn't it?
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What the dumper will sometime do is get the power back by giving out breadcrumbs. Breadcrumbs could range from text messages, to sex and/or the promise of a big, bright future.

 

Once your resolve is broken, they will dump you again to be the one in control.

 

This is the sign of an insecure person with unresolved issues, looking to inflict those issues on you. Thats not a person to be in a relationship with.

 

Why would you want her back?

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Well I suppose I've been in that mindset that this relationship was so special and we had such a rare, 1/100000000 connection, that she must eventually realize that this was a mistake... which I'm sure is the identical thought that we ALL have after being dumped :p. Logic, however, would show that the dumper clearly did not share in this belief!

 

I fell into the trap of thinking allowing the breadcrumbs might eventually lead to something. That this is some sort of "special case" where she was coming around. That's another reason why I felt so guilty asking her to stop texting me and calling her out on her insecurity issues - prompting her to tell me she is initiating NC on me. For a while there I was thinking "Oh no... was she about to reconcile or was she slowly and carefully starting to come back.. and my emotional text just scared her off and halted that reconciliation in it's tracks?" Again, logic would show that if this person truly had any sliver of intent to actually get back together, nothing I could have said in a text would have made any difference, she would have still made that happen.

 

So, it seems more likely that it was indeed a power-shift thing, as messed up as that is. Perhaps me sending that message after ignoring her for a couple weeks showed her I "still cared about her" and it gave her the power, confidence and closure she needed to finally cut the ties and still be able to sleep at night - hence why she cancelled coming over my place. She does in fact have deep, deep insecurity and unresolved issues, in addition to likely having an attachment-avoidant personality (from my personal observation), so this actually all makes sense.

 

I suppose the "good news" is that she stopped sending the breadcrumbs, so she either has completely moved on at this point, which is super hard to believe from the Dumpee end of things.... or she just "got the message" and realized her texts were only causing me pain like I told her in my emotional reply. This is sad but I'd rather this than empty breadcrumb texts that would have led to nothing.

 

I also kept tricking myself into thinking "if you just keep NC going she will see how strong you are and how un-needy/independent you are and realize she was wrong about you and start to second-guess her decision". But unless she comes banging on my door at 1am in tears pleading for me back... what I'm doing is just that; tricking myself :rolleyes:. She wouldn't have let me go through with all the hassles and inconvenience of moving out and finding my own place if she had ANY intentions of reconciliation... time and space has given the clarity to understand that. And I should stop beating myself up over sending that emotional text. There was no impending reconciliation to "screw up"!

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Do you think it's possible that I pushed her away for good with that emotional text calling her out on her insecurity/commitment issues and asking her to stop sending the breadcrumbs? Was that a big no-no if you want reconciliation? She could definitely tell that I still loved her in the message... is my only worry.

 

I'm just getting discouraged... 2.5 weeks no without hearing anything :(

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Update:

 

It has now been over 3 weeks since that last text interaction. Nothing since. I have read that the 3rd week is the most difficult and so far that is true. I had the urge to text her about the election as we are both interested in politics... but i didnt want to risk breaking NC and undoing all the progress I made or look pathetic and weak, so I didn't do it. She didn't text me either.

 

I keep reading all these accounts of "exes coming back" on here and other forums after lots of NC, causing the ex to miss them and become curious about them. I try to stay hopeful... 3 weeks feels like an eternity, but logically I suppose it hasnt really been a ton of time and maybe there is still some chance it hasn't "hit her yet", I dont know.

 

I keep running it back and forth in my head... how she seemed like she was coming back and texting me so much, and ever since i asked her to stop texting and sent that long emotional text calling her out in her issues... she stopped. Maybe they were breadcrumbs only, maybe they were not. I keep thinking if I had resisted sending that, and pretended I was "doing great" we would have been back together by now.. But i have no idea. I hate to think one emotional text could destroy any chance of possible reconciliation, and that possibility is absolutely tearing me apart inside. I keep thinking if she loves me still, ill hear from her again.

 

I forced myself to go on a date this week. It went well and we had chemsitry. But the problem is im just not exciting about meeting another woman. I still deeply love my ex and I just feel so responsible for botching a reconciliation because of my one text. I feel so guilty about it. To think I was maybe so close to getting her back, and couldnt hold frame and told her off instead... is rough. If she contacted me now i would be calmer about it because it has been long enough where I have passed the "anger" stage of being dumped. Now i just feel sadness. But maybe i wont get another chance.

 

I guess ill keep dating and trying to quash these feelings with the attention of other women and see if it ever helps. Glad I'm not alone on here, thanks for reading.

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Hi Jamili,

 

I purposely just made an account because I am going through the exact same thing you are, you are NOT alone and what you are feeling is completely 100% normal. I'll try to keep this short.

 

My ex broke up with me about two months ago at the beginning of school. We go to the same small school and have the same friends. We ended peacefully and talked for maybe a day afterward. I was so distressed and not ready for this weird sort of talking and wanted her back so I went on no contact. In that time, I had hit EVERY key point of what all the sites told me would "get her back": look confident, post pictures with friends, and essentially just showing myself having a good time. It went extremely well to say the least. So come about two weeks, she texts me essentially saying she hoped everything was going well and she wasn't out forgetting about me. Didn't respond. A week later, saw her at a party and we hugged and had friendly small talk. She texts me the next morning because of whatever gossip she may have thought her friend told me about her and she wanted to talk because she said she only cared what I thought and talking to her made her really happy. Didn't respond. Few days later she comes up to me while I'm eating and she starts tearing up saying she talked about me all day and she talked about me with her friends and so on, basically telling me I wasn't off her mind. She kept wanting to talk and asking me if I wanted to and I told her I can't talk about BS but if she wanted a serious talk she could talk to me. Before leaving she said something about how she may have made a mistake. Come about a week later, I end NC and we're talking again. She came up to me in person around friends and genuinly wanted to talk.

 

A few days after ending NC, I mention something serious about my own life and she told me she wanted me to talk to her about it. I was uncomfortable with doing that and told her I didn't want to burden her. She got really upset by this and about an hour later messaged me a long emotional text about her wanting me to talk to her about it and how she would always care for me whether we're together or not and so on. This is where I think you might be more interested. After this emotional text, I got really emotional and asked her to meet me in person. A lot was going through my head at this point, I'm really unclear exactly what. All I remember, in a thrust of emotion, was that I thought she may have wanted to get back together but she was feeling me out and may have wanted me to act on it as she had been the one to act on it before the relationship. Whatever the case, I intended not to spill everything but ended up doing so in what I now look back at and cringe. I told her I missed her, asked her if she wanted to get back together, told her I wanted to get back together, freaked out a few times and almost walked away, basically just did not look well at all. We talked for over two hours, and yes, at one point, I called her insecure and backed it up. We talked some more, hugged, and went out separate ways.

 

Next day, texted her a few short times to which she responded and then ended quickly, and that was it. Saw her at a party a few days later, no hug, no friendly conversation. It felt like being broken up with a second time. I felt like I had ****ed up hard. No more texts caring how I felt, no more friendly hellos, it was unbelievable. How could I have been so close and threw it all away with one moment? How could she not see what was I was seeing? How could I fix this? How could I have worked so hard for a month and perfected everything, only to have all that hard work shot down in a second?

 

So I got to thinking, hard. I came up with a few things. I can't contact her, ever. She uses it as fuel for power and it's not my place to fix things if things were to be fixed. If she ever wanted things back, it would be her effort. Another way to think about it, I NEVER have the burden of "what if". She broke up with me, she ultimately has that burden, regardless of whether or not we were talking again and I messed it up. She genuinely is an insecure person, whether she knows it or not. She has a lot of behavioral issues and overall is a very complicated person with a lot going on. She is also beautiful, both inside and out, the kind of person that strangers would come up to and talk to out of nowhere. But ultimately, her texts and talks were out of insecurity. How can I tell? The way she treated me after we talked. Dull looks, cold, just the sort of presence that said she wanted to show she was empowered, as opposed to simply not wanting to talk. If that's what she thinks, so be it. Everything I did, I did at the time because I thought it was right. Where I made mistakes, I learn from and keep trying to better myself. There is no fault in telling people how you really feel, ultimately that's the greater good. What I said, I meant. She chose to fuel herself with it and for that reason, I get a better understanding of her own intentions and it helps me to move on. Is she doing it on purpose? I don't know. What matters is that either her conscious or subconscious is fixated on power, and that is no way to live. I just so happened to find it out earlier. I have nothing against her. I forgave her and myself for everything. Is it still hard? Absolutely. But I am putting together slowly and surely a peace of mind. With that said, she will always have a special place in my heart.

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Hi Jamili,

 

I purposely just made an account because I am going through the exact same thing you are, you are NOT alone and what you are feeling is completely 100% normal. I'll try to keep this short.

 

My ex broke up with me about two months ago at the beginning of school. We go to the same small school and have the same friends. We ended peacefully and talked for maybe a day afterward. I was so distressed and not ready for this weird sort of talking and wanted her back so I went on no contact. In that time, I had hit EVERY key point of what all the sites told me would "get her back": look confident, post pictures with friends, and essentially just showing myself having a good time. It went extremely well to say the least. So come about two weeks, she texts me essentially saying she hoped everything was going well and she wasn't out forgetting about me. Didn't respond. A week later, saw her at a party and we hugged and had friendly small talk. She texts me the next morning because of whatever gossip she may have thought her friend told me about her and she wanted to talk because she said she only cared what I thought and talking to her made her really happy. Didn't respond. Few days later she comes up to me while I'm eating and she starts tearing up saying she talked about me all day and she talked about me with her friends and so on, basically telling me I wasn't off her mind. She kept wanting to talk and asking me if I wanted to and I told her I can't talk about BS but if she wanted a serious talk she could talk to me. Before leaving she said something about how she may have made a mistake. Come about a week later, I end NC and we're talking again. She came up to me in person around friends and genuinly wanted to talk.

 

A few days after ending NC, I mention something serious about my own life and she told me she wanted me to talk to her about it. I was uncomfortable with doing that and told her I didn't want to burden her. She got really upset by this and about an hour later messaged me a long emotional text about her wanting me to talk to her about it and how she would always care for me whether we're together or not and so on. This is where I think you might be more interested. After this emotional text, I got really emotional and asked her to meet me in person. A lot was going through my head at this point, I'm really unclear exactly what. All I remember, in a thrust of emotion, was that I thought she may have wanted to get back together but she was feeling me out and may have wanted me to act on it as she had been the one to act on it before the relationship. Whatever the case, I intended not to spill everything but ended up doing so in what I now look back at and cringe. I told her I missed her, asked her if she wanted to get back together, told her I wanted to get back together, freaked out a few times and almost walked away, basically just did not look well at all. We talked for over two hours, and yes, at one point, I called her insecure and backed it up. We talked some more, hugged, and went out separate ways.

 

Next day, texted her a few short times to which she responded and then ended quickly, and that was it. Saw her at a party a few days later, no hug, no friendly conversation. It felt like being broken up with a second time. I felt like I had ****ed up hard. No more texts caring how I felt, no more friendly hellos, it was unbelievable. How could I have been so close and threw it all away with one moment? How could she not see what was I was seeing? How could I fix this? How could I have worked so hard for a month and perfected everything, only to have all that hard work shot down in a second?

 

So I got to thinking, hard. I came up with a few things. I can't contact her, ever. She uses it as fuel for power and it's not my place to fix things if things were to be fixed. If she ever wanted things back, it would be her effort. Another way to think about it, I NEVER have the burden of "what if". She broke up with me, she ultimately has that burden, regardless of whether or not we were talking again and I messed it up. She genuinely is an insecure person, whether she knows it or not. She has a lot of behavioral issues and overall is a very complicated person with a lot going on. She is also beautiful, both inside and out, the kind of person that strangers would come up to and talk to out of nowhere. But ultimately, her texts and talks were out of insecurity. How can I tell? The way she treated me after we talked. Dull looks, cold, just the sort of presence that said she wanted to show she was empowered, as opposed to simply not wanting to talk. If that's what she thinks, so be it. Everything I did, I did at the time because I thought it was right. Where I made mistakes, I learn from and keep trying to better myself. There is no fault in telling people how you really feel, ultimately that's the greater good. What I said, I meant. She chose to fuel herself with it and for that reason, I get a better understanding of her own intentions and it helps me to move on. Is she doing it on purpose? I don't know. What matters is that either her conscious or subconscious is fixated on power, and that is no way to live. I just so happened to find it out earlier. I have nothing against her. I forgave her and myself for everything. Is it still hard? Absolutely. But I am putting together slowly and surely a peace of mind. With that said, she will always have a special place in my heart.

 

Oh man, this hits close to home. I know EXACTLY how you feel! Thanks for sharing your story. How long ago did this happen? have you heard anything from her since?

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No problem! I want to help you and others and myself through this, it's one of the hardest things I can say I've ever gone through. This happened about a month and a half ago. I had seen her at a party a few days after we talked and knew I had scared her off (no hugs, small talk). I was devestated. Worked so hard in such a crucial moment and had everything going right for me, just to blow it all away. I felt weak, pitied, lonely, like all the manliness and self-respect I had in me got sucked out. I still feel that way sometimes, but I'm working on it. She slightly contacted me, but I consider it a blip. A few days after seeing her at the party, a friend of mine posted a picture of me and him and a girl she didn't like commented on it. That same day, she sent me a text saying just my name followed by dots, like she wanted to say something but wanted me to respond first. I assumed it was about the other girl and had already decided not to contact her prior, so I didn't respond. Nothing since other than seeing her on campus. Just a hello or maybe nothing at all.

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Update:

I keep reading all these accounts of "exes coming back" on here and other forums after lots of NC, causing the ex to miss them and become curious about them. I try to stay hopeful...

 

 

Yes, I have had an ex who ended things with me express an interest after she instigated the break up.

 

Only because I completely walked away and got on with living my life.

 

The quicker you move on and let go of your insecurities, the quicker they might come back. The irony being when you let go of your insecurities, you wont be interested in this girl in the slightest.

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No problem! I want to help you and others and myself through this, it's one of the hardest things I can say I've ever gone through. This happened about a month and a half ago. I had seen her at a party a few days after we talked and knew I had scared her off (no hugs, small talk). I was devestated. Worked so hard in such a crucial moment and had everything going right for me, just to blow it all away. I felt weak, pitied, lonely, like all the manliness and self-respect I had in me got sucked out. I still feel that way sometimes, but I'm working on it. She slightly contacted me, but I consider it a blip. A few days after seeing her at the party, a friend of mine posted a picture of me and him and a girl she didn't like commented on it. That same day, she sent me a text saying just my name followed by dots, like she wanted to say something but wanted me to respond first. I assumed it was about the other girl and had already decided not to contact her prior, so I didn't respond. Nothing since other than seeing her on campus. Just a hello or maybe nothing at all.

 

For both of you: please realize that if either of them come back- you are taking back someone who blatantly chose to discard you. Do you want to love each day wondering when it will happen again? (And it will). Do you want to continue to give away your self respect in an effort to 'show someone you really care' even though they continue to show you they don't? Please see it for what it is- an effort on their part to ride the fence until they are confident enough that they don't need your ego stroke anymore. Don't give them your side of the fence. Make them stand on one side or the other and the only way you do that is by completely removing yourself as an option. It's the only way you retain any self worth and that's all there is to gain at this point. With much love!

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Yes, I have had an ex who ended things with me express an interest after she instigated the break up.

 

Only because I completely walked away and got on with living my life.

 

The quicker you move on and let go of your insecurities, the quicker they might come back. The irony being when you let go of your insecurities, you wont be interested in this girl in the slightest.

 

I'm not sure but I might have botched this by telling her to stop contacting and harshly calling her out on her insecurities and her issues. But I certainly did move out ASAP and get on with my life after that. I'm at 1 &1/4 months of NC now, and nothing yet. I've actually started to date another woman, casually. That has helped me too. Still nothing from the ex. But I'm ALMOST at the point where if she were to come back, I'd be hesitant to stop seeing the woman I'm currently dating and take the ex back.

 

 

Hurting1078: I completely understand what you are saying, and I've only begun to realize this the past couple weeks. This person literally ejected me from her life. I learned an important fact about her in the process - she never appreciated me and was willing to risk losing me forever. This is a HUGE problem. I think it's safe to say we are all on a quest to find someone we want to spend the rest of our life with... but the truth is THAT PERSON needs to want to spend the rest of their lives with us too. Both parties have to want it the same amount. As much as we love our exes, the simple, brutal fact is they DON'T love us the same amount. The means a relationship will NOT work and we will NOT be happy. All of us on here, desperately praying for our ex, longing for them, fighting for them... we are wasting time when we should be finding the person who will be praying to keep us in their lives and fighting for us as well! This one-sided love is NOT ideal. There is someone out there who will love us the same way right back, and only then will we be happy!

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Hurting1078: I think it's safe to say we are all on a quest to find someone we want to spend the rest of our life with... but the truth is THAT PERSON needs to want to spend the rest of their lives with us too. Both parties have to want it the same amount. As much as we love our exes, the simple, brutal fact is they DON'T love us the same amount. The means a relationship will NOT work and we will NOT be happy. All of us on here, desperately praying for our ex, longing for them, fighting for them... we are wasting time when we should be finding the person who will be praying to keep us in their lives and fighting for us as well! This one-sided love is NOT ideal. There is someone out there who will love us the same way right back, and only then will we be happy!

 

Amen, brother!! You shouldn't settle for anything less. What's the point?

 

Great post!

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Update:

 

After nearly 2 months of NC, my ex actually did text me finally, but it was only 2 photos of a piece of mail that arrived there for me, that she opened and took a picture of (it was a bill for a utility that was in my name when i used to live there, one that i had previously agreed to take full responsibility for). There were no words in the message, just the photos. I had already dealt with this bill months ago, so i did not respond.

 

There was no "hi", no "hope you are well"... nothing. A few hours later she emailed me telling me that she had texted me pictures of a bill, and wrote the total. Still, no cordial or friendly message or vibe. I'm pretty much moved on at this point so i decided to take the high road and just emailed back "thx". Never heard anything back, of course. Still not sure why she decided to open the bill and send me photos of it, instead of just forwarding it to my new address... but it's whatever lol.

 

This just goes to show you that NC doesn't always have much of an effect on the dumper. In fact, it seems she has grown colder, judging by the lack of greeting in these messages. Very different from when we were breaking up and she was texting me photos of random stuff and other things constantly, and wanting to come see my new place, etc. It was either my harsh final text message pushing her away for good, or time made her miss me less, instead of more.

 

Just remember if you are doing NC, don't get your hopes up for any reconciliation. Otherwise, I'm doing well in my life, improving myself, making new friends, and I'm even seeing someone else now and it is going really well (although im taking it super slow). I still miss my ex and that will probably never go away, but i think about her less and the time apart has allowed me to grow, learn from the relationship and love myself more. I'm not sure anything i said to her had any effect when i called her out on her issues at the end... but i can proudly say at least i know i have reflected on the relationship and i have grown immensely!

Edited by jamili
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  • 4 weeks later...

Yours is just trying to maintain power over you. If you answer the texts she will lose interest. Basically the more you answer the more she distances herself from you. It's a power game.

I broke up with my ex. She was cheating on me and even moved the guy in a couple of days after I moved out. So I went NC figuring she wouldn't text me.

Within DAYS she starts texting me. Talking about how she is laying in bed thinking about me but she knows it's for the best!!!About why I'm AVOIDING her at work!!!!Keep in mind she has a NEW boyfriend LIVING with her. I tell you this example so you can see what the texts really are-she's basically not done toying with you so she throws something out to see if you'll bite-she's fishing.

The last poster made the mistake of taking the bait and as soon as she did she lost interest.

Pretend that the longer you don't contact her the better chances you have at getting back togeather if regular NC is hard for you.

Posters are right though-you have to block her if you don't you'll analyze every text she sends looking for the meaning when their isn't any reason.

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Yours is just trying to maintain power over you. If you answer the texts she will lose interest. Basically the more you answer the more she distances herself from you. It's a power game.

I broke up with my ex. She was cheating on me and even moved the guy in a couple of days after I moved out. So I went NC figuring she wouldn't text me.

Within DAYS she starts texting me. Talking about how she is laying in bed thinking about me but she knows it's for the best!!!About why I'm AVOIDING her at work!!!!Keep in mind she has a NEW boyfriend LIVING with her. I tell you this example so you can see what the texts really are-she's basically not done toying with you so she throws something out to see if you'll bite-she's fishing.

The last poster made the mistake of taking the bait and as soon as she did she lost interest.

Pretend that the longer you don't contact her the better chances you have at getting back togeather if regular NC is hard for you.

Posters are right though-you have to block her if you don't you'll analyze every text she sends looking for the meaning when their isn't any reason.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

I wanted to post an update, at nearly 4 months of NC:

 

A few days ago she emailed me a message out of the blue. The message didn't say anything, but contained like 20 photographs of some camping trip or something - just landscape shots she took. I didn't reply.

 

Any idea behind that one? More Breadcrumbs? Do you think she might be regaining some interest because of the NC, or just misses toying with my mind and seeing if she can get me to crack?

Edited by jamili
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Thanks for the reply.

 

I wanted to post an update, at nearly 4 months of NC:

 

A few days ago she emailed me a message out of the blue. The message didn't say anything, but contained like 20 photographs of some camping trip or something - just landscape shots she took. I didn't reply.

 

Any idea behind that one? More Breadcrumbs? Do you think she might be regaining some interest because of the NC, or just misses toying with my mind and seeing if she can get me to crack?

 

I was at 5 months NC (dumpee) and my ex GF sent me a couple of texts last week asking how I was going and the next one was wishing me a Happy NY. I did not respond.

 

 

OP, do not reply to the message your getting. As with me, I'm almost certain it's an ego-stroking thing for them. Now this isn't to say they won't miss you more over time and who knows they may even start thinking they made a mistake. But that is only going to come if you keep ignoring until you get a message that is worthy of a response.

 

 

Look for "vulnerability" in the message. If you don't sense there is a vulnerability, just leave the message alone.

 

 

It's feels counter-intuitive but if you respond, you actually push them away. Not responding peaks interest or at the very least, keeps it at status quo.

 

 

Oh, and I meant to say that I feel like approx. 6 months seems to be the magic no of NC where the dumper has healed and not seeing you as a pathetic dumpee anymore, so the messages you get at this point tend to feel a little more respectful. For instance, in the text I got last week, she actually asked me how I was and used my name in the sentence which to me showed she was less scared to open up a little. Still not going to reply but at least some dignity has been restored.

 

 

I think your Ex sending photos without words is her way of getting you to talk. My ex did that as well. Don't fall for it. She needs to speak the words, not you.

Edited by marky00
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I was at 5 months NC (dumpee) and my ex GF sent me a couple of texts last week asking how I was going and the next one was wishing me a Happy NY. I did not respond.

 

 

OP, do not reply to the message your getting. As with me, I'm almost certain it's an ego-stroking thing for them. Now this isn't to say they won't miss you more over time and who knows they may even start thinking they made a mistake. But that is only going to come if you keep ignoring until you get a message that is worthy of a response.

 

 

Look for "vulnerability" in the message. If you don't sense there is a vulnerability, just leave the message alone.

 

 

It's feels counter-intuitive but if you respond, you actually push them away. Not responding peaks interest or at the very least, keeps it at status quo.

 

 

Oh, and I meant to say that I feel like approx. 6 months seems to be the magic no of NC where the dumper has healed and not seeing you as a pathetic dumpee anymore, so the messages you get at this point tend to feel a little more respectful. For instance, in the text I got last week, she actually asked me how I was and used my name in the sentence which to me showed she was less scared to open up a little. Still not going to reply but at least some dignity has been restored.

 

 

I think your Ex sending photos without words is her way of getting you to talk. My ex did that as well. Don't fall for it. She needs to speak the words, not you.

 

Thanks for the reply Marky! This is pretty much what I suspected was the case. I screwed up in very beginning during the breakup by responding to her texts and having a few emotional moments, which is why she might have been pushed away for a few months. It was very difficult right after the breakup, but now that months have passed and my emotions have settled, keeping NC is much, much easier. I'll keep ignoring stuff like this and see if her interest starts up again, and I'll follow your advice. Glad to see others going through very similar things, I have my fingers crossed for you and your ex too!

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