Breaking up and trying again

[rodders]

Hey guys. Hope you're good. So wanted some advice on relationships. I had been with a girl for just over 1 year and we decided to break up. It was me that actually broke up although we were both unhappy and she mentioned she had thought about it too.

 

Essentially she was a very insecure girl and would get consistently upset for various reasons. On many occasions we would spend days together in each others pockets doing great things and it would be ace and really loving yet by the time she had driven home she was crying on the phone saying I didn't love her etc. If I didn't call her each day, the day on which I didn't would end up in tears, again with here saying that 'I didn't love her'. These are just little snapshots of loads of incidents that accumulated over a period of 5-6 months. I always really encouraged her to tell me if she ever felt insecure so that I could reassure or calm her thoughts as many of the times they were irrational. But over a period of 5-6 months it got more and more difficult as I felt I wasn't doing anything wrong and didn't know how to resolve it. I believe I was loving, considerate and attentive but became withdrawn in the relationship (at the very end) and I was doing things just to make sure I didn't upset her which then started impacting my feelings too. So essentially I felt trapped and had tried what I could but was unhappy and withdrawn so broke it up.

 

We had a month apart and with some clear headspace I thought we could make it work as I still loved her the same. So I went back after breaking it up trying to rekindle it which I know is a big deal. So we have been trying and from the start she wants me to prove my love and regain her trust. I understand this but also think she needs to show changes too which she doesn't think she needs to do.

 

We tried small steps at first for a few weeks with success but cutting a long story short, I cocked up on a double booking and therefore couldn't meet up with her and since then it has been 10 days of late night arguments over the phone and demands from her of what I should or shouldn't do. I totally can understand the break up hurt her and probably adds to her insecurities. But also I have feelings and concerns about us and about being in a loop around these insecurities, as has been proven by actions and words since I mistakenly double booked. And now it has made me withdraw a little and add doubt to if we can rekindle the relationship. So I guess I wanted to know if I am being unreasonable for going back trying to rekindle it but then having doubts after over a week of arguments (as I'm accused of) and also I'd like to know if anyone else had an experience like this with an ex and if they managed to get back together and resolve the relationship.

 

Cheers guys

 

Apologies for rant

[staggerlee71]

I find your post really interesting because I think your situation illustrates how two people can be in the same relationship but view the circumstances very differently. You say she wants you to prove yourself, which I can understand. But I wonder if she even recognizes her behavior is incredibly insecure because she translates her feelings into you don't love her. Does she know what you just posted. Show her. on the surface, you say you reassure her, but is that through words or actions and at what level. What are her expectations of love? in her head, how does she paint the picture of your relationship? she has a picture, and it doesn't match, so she gets anxiety. This of course has nothing to do with you. But the closer you get to matching her picture and her expectations, with your behavior, the less anxiety she will feel. and then you have to meet your needs as well so your not just giving and giving.

 

From my penny psych armchair, if you really want to make this work, you probably need to spend a lot more time discussing needs and expectations, as well as discussing what works at a deeper level for you two. What does she see as love on a daily basis. Can you meet that? Can she meet your picture? Literally discuss details.

 

I am a strong believer in attachment theory. Sound like your secure and she anxious attachment. Google some attachment theory and see if that helps.

 

You have you hands full but this is the type of situation that can build a good foundation or crumble.

 

I am curious how old she is? and you? seems like a lot of crying to get what she needs. That can be exhausting

 

Good luck. Oh, your not unreasonable for trying again because you love her. What would make it unreasonable is you know what your coming back too and if your not prepared to get to work with real effort and time, that may be unreasonable

[Downtown]

She wants me to prove my love and regain her trust.... I'd like to know if anyone else had an experience like this with an ex and if they managed to get back together and resolve the relationship.

Rodders, I agree with the excellent advice already given by StaggerLee. As to whether you can "resolve the relationship," the answer depends on how serious her insecurity issue is. If she is only moderately insecure, you might be able to assure her of your love by being patient and showing your love in ways that are meaningful to her (i.e., learn her love language). In that case, MC may help the two of you to improve your communication skills.

 

If she is deeply insecure, however, it likely will be impossible for her to believe -- absent years of individual therapy -- that you truly love her. Such insecurity is deeply entrenched in the mind because it typically arises from problems suffered during early childhood, when the child is forming a self image. Sadly, the child grows up filled with self loathing and a conviction that she is essentially unlovable. Hence, in the unlikely event you make her feel that you truly love her for a few days, she will still live with the fear that -- once you discover how awful she is on the inside -- you will walk away.

 

The result is that this person will administer an unending series of $h*t tests to explore the depth of your feelings and commitment. The way it works is that, as soon as you pass a test, she still will not be convinced you truly love her. After all, a person who cannot love herself cannot believe that anyone else could either. She therefore will administer another test. And, each time she gives you a new test, she will keep raising the hoop that you must jump through. Consequently, the most you can accomplish with this person is to be subjected to a series of tests and challenges that become increasingly abusive over time.

 

On top of that, a person with deep insecurities about your R/S is incapable of trusting you for any extended period. As you know, when a person is incapable of trusting YOU, you can never really trust HER because she is capable of turning on you at any time. This is why trust is the foundation on which all friendships and other close relationships must be built -- if they are to be long lasting.