I've gotten back together with my wife but finding things difficult

[Pete2304]

As so many of you here were kind enough to read my many rambles on my story, I don't go into the details again but for those who didn't, long and short I found myself here as a result of the break up of an 8 year marriage during which my wife cheated and generally made little effort with our relationship and yet I do love her, things weren't and aren't always terrible and we have found ourselves back together this last week or so.

 

She had met someone else and was with him for three months but she says that was what made her realise that actually she loves me with all her heart and the effort she was making with him was the effort she should have made with me all along.

 

In so many ways, I'm over the moon we are back together, most of that gut wrenching feeling has gone but......I'm struggling. I'm struggling with sex, we were intimate a couple of nights ago for the first time in a few months and I....well I couldn't if you get my drift. She started dressing differently when she got with this guy and she's still dressing the same way now and that's a constant reminder as well. I have fought like hell to get my wife back but now I have, I don't know it's not what I thought.

 

She is for the first time in years making an effort with me, to be romantic, kind, sexy even and it's nice. Most important of all I'm getting to see my little boy all the time and he's delighted. From anyone who has been through a reconciliation after your partner has had not just an affair but a full on relationship with someone else, can you shake this feeling, does it go over time?

 

s ever, thanks again all for your time and responses.

[Been]

Me no. I tried. It just never seemed the same.And I went in with the intentions of forgetting the past and moving forward. And I always felt like I had to look over my shoulder even when she was seemingly so into me at the time. And for some reason I always thought that a day would come where she would decide to cheat on me again even though she was giving no indication of doing so.

My advice to you is take your time. If a couple months go by and you can't shake the feeling then you know it's done. Sometimes when the trust is damaged you can't fix it. But sometimes you can but I think it takes a lot of time to fix it.

[LastAcorn99]

I’m sorry you’re still struggling. Healing will take time, and I believe that what you’re going through is normal after the event of an affair. I would strongly suggest you go for marriage counseling if you haven’t already. Sending you prayers.

[Pete2304]

Thank you both of you. She had cheated in the past and I had managed to forgive her but in this case she had ended things and started a new relationship and that's what's killing me. My little boy was playing games on her phone and a message popped up from her boyfriend saying "I love you too babe" and I think it's that which is the hardest part, knowing that she truly had feelings for him, not just the drunken mistakes I've forgiven in the past.

 

I truly want this though, not because I'm weak and am prepared to be walked all over but because she's my best friend and it's not with rose tinted glasses that I look at her, it's just because I don't have to hide who I am when I'm with her.

 

More than any of that though, I get to be a daddy again. I get my little boy back, all the time, every day and that means the world.

 

I had never really considered counselling because in the past she would have said no but she's making such an effort at the minute I think she just might say yes. And thank you for the prayers.....I will probably need them!!

[Frogwife]

Pete - this is some heavy-duty stuff that needs more than "time" or a couple of months to "shake off or cut bait" - you have a long term marriage (where actual vows were broken, not just a dating situation), you have a child and you're dealing with a serious trust issue that would shake the foundation of any marriage.

 

People get back together all the time but the reason that reconciliations have a tendency to fail is that the couples are so elated by the initial rush of getting back together that they don't pay attention to the fundamental issues that caused the break (resulting in another breakup) and in this case, the infidelity and the aftermath of an affair.

 

Regaining trust and getting past an affair is possible, but it takes work and dedication of both parties... I would strongly, strongly suggest getting into couples' therapy with a therapist experienced in infidelity asap. With a therapist you can work through how you each contributed to the breakdown of the marriage and how you both will work to repair it. It will take both of you to be 100% committed to that and it's a hard road to hoe. A successful reconciliation won't happen by wishing and hoping things will get better and negative feelings will disappear.

 

Good luck to you both.

[Been]

May I ask why she cheated on you in your poison?

[BluesPower]

I think Frogwife has the best advice so far...

 

I mean for me, if my wife went out and had an affair because she needed some strange, ok I get that, it hurts but OK.

 

But if she actually had feelings enough to leave, I just don't know if I could ever get over that at all.

 

For me, if a woman does not want to be with me, cool, I find a new one. That is just how I work.

 

But what FW says it totally correct. This thing is going to take a lot of time and work to get through. If your wife really wants to be with you, I think she is going to have to prove it.

 

Further, You need to guard your heart here. She has already ripped it out once, I would not let her do it again.

[Been]

But did she leave or get kicked to the curb?

A lot of situations years down the road they do it again.

And now he's stated she's done it multiple times really makes me question if it would work. I just see it could be great for a couple of years and then she does it again.

[Pete2304]

Thanks all of you,

 

She didn't leave because of a lack of love or attention from me that's for certain. My wife had a frankly rubbish upbringing, certainly in terms of much of an emotional commitment from her mum (father wasn't around) and she's always been determined to be thick skinned as a result and has never been affectionate with me really.

 

It is that very fact that is hurting so much, the effort she made with the new bloke. The reason she did is because she had respect for him, the respect she had for me at the beginning no doubt disappeared down the pan years ago when I forgave her and begged her etc etc.

 

She finally realised that I was prepared to move on (probably wasn't really but tried to portray that) and she is making an effort this time but I just can't get past it. Spent last night with her and whilst we did sleep together, I felt nothing really. I used to feel like we were making love, last night was just sex on my part. I'm starting to think I'm at a dead end here. I've fought so hard but maybe I'd already lost?

[Been]

I think she put you through too much. I'm not trying to steer you in any direction. The choice is yours.

I like I stated am just going by MY experience. Yours is different of course.

I just felt when she came back it took solo much work. And then like I stated I felt like it wasn't the same because in essence it wasn't. Very few things can change a relationship. Cheating on someone CHANGES a relationship forever and it's not for the better.

And again this is my personal opinion.

When I took her back for about 2 weeks everything was great. And I was still in love with her at the time. But slowly I started to question myself. Is she worth all this "work"?Whats to keep it from happening again since it's happened more then once?Sometimes I would stare over at her and it would dawn on me that this person I love more then anything CHEATED on me. And more the once. And then little by little my excitement waned. I replaced it with the thought that at anytime she could stray. I thought how much work required in this relationship from MY end-how I had to sacrifice certain things just to be with her.

I thought about relationships and while you have to work at them they shouldn't be like a second job. But most of all instead of thinking about if I really wanted to be involved in this relationship I realized I had never sat down and thought about that. All my energy had bee devoted into getting her back-never hey is this really what I want for ME?I was so determined to want her in my life that j never took the time out to answer those questions.

So one day I just told her I can't do this anymore. And she was surprised. She asked why. I told her I just feel like I'm settling. I feel like I'll always be looking over my shoulder. Told her what we have now will never be what we had. That this one affair-and their had been others-just took too much out of me.

And I left. And it hurt because I did love her. Still do. But one way or another I was going to get hurt. Hope this helps you. Sorry so long.

[Pete2304]

She promised me that this was a fresh start and that we would be together now for the rest of our lives. She told me we were going on holiday in the summer. She told our little boy that Mummy and Daddy were back together and they always would be. She put her wedding ring back on. She slept with me numerous times and told me it felt so right. She told me she wanted to renew our wedding vows as soon as possible. She told me she was going to stop taking the pill and wanted to try and have a second child. She told all our friends and family we were back together. She lied. This morning she went back to him. I'm broken beyond anything I could have ever comprehended before today.

[Been]

I know. I've been exactly where you were. And not only does it hurt but now your confused.

its going to take time for you to sort this out. She's not a nice person. You have to take her off that pedestal you've put her on. See her for what she really is.

She manipulates you whenever it's convenient for her. Your her safety net. Her security blanket. Now the only thing you need to talk to her about is things regarding the child. That's it.

Know that by taking her back she has 0 respect for you. Why do I tell you this?

Because she's not done with you. Something will cause her to run back to you. Trust me on this. But now you know.

You have to get rid of the notion you will get back together with her. Because even if you do she will leave at the drop of a hat.

[Pete2304]

She thought I was with someone else and she couldn't hack it. I wasn't but she had been told by a bloke who's a mate of both of ours I was seeing someone. Reason being he'd seen me out with another woman but there is not the slightest feeling between us we just get on like a house on fire. My ex rang me and then kept texting saying how happy she was for me and like an idiot I just went with it. Then lo and behold she dumped him and begged me to come back, which as you know I did.

 

I am beyond devastated and I am absolutely determined not to let her see that but Been, you're right and I know it. In every respect you are right and at some point, one night I will get a drunken phone call. That being said I've never admitted that before so maybe by saying it I've cursed it and it won't happen!

 

What did you do to cope mate? That feeling, you know the feeling. How do you deal with that?

[Been]

See how it's somehow your fault and not hers?

I had to admit to myself that the person I loved wasn't who I thought she was.

That basically everything she said to me was a lie. And it hurt really bad. I must have talked about it for a month to my friends. And they were patient with me.

And it hurt.

Then there were times where I just couldn't concentrate on anything. And as much as I would try I couldn't stop talking about her.i would get to the point where I just couldn't find the energy to do anything. I think I was actually more mad at MYSELF then anything because Their had been soooo many red flags that I had ignored to just be with her so I kind of put myself in this position.

So I'm angry,confused and hurt. So what I did was take the anger and I channeled it into something positive-I always wanted to really get into shape so that's ALL I did. Sleep. Work. Gym. That's all I thought about.

I didn't hang out or really talk too much to anyone at that time. And it worked for me.

Find something you've always wanted to do but for some reason didn't. And do it.

[Been]

See deep down you knew it wouldn't work. Look at the threads title. Your gut feeling was it would never work. But when your blinded by love you ignore certain things just to be with that person. And even when your with that person you can feel it isn't right.

Hell I knew I was doomed when we got back together. And she did the same thing yours did-I'm the best ever,she thanks god everyday for me etc. Even wrote me a 4 page letter on how much of a great person I was and how much in love she was with me. And you know what? I knew deep down she was just blowing smoke.

See when you love someone you don't want to ever hurt them. And cheating is the worst thing to do to someone. It takes their pride strips them of their confidence. And above all of that it puts into question everything you've ever told them.

So while I was mad at her I really am the one who is to blame. I basically said its ok to lie and cheat on me. I settled.

We can't control certain things in life.But we can control how someone treats us. Who we choose to spend time with. Who we choose to be with.

[Pete2304]

You have made me feel somewhat better in that I don't feel like the only person in the world who has been stupid enough to let this happen. That said, and be honest with me.....you'd go back wouldn't you?

[Been]

I have no reason to lie to you. I WOULD NOT go back to her. But I did 6 times. And the last time I was just so fatigued mentally and physically. One minute she's into me. The next she's distant. And it was always the same crap.

I took time before I left her and thought about some things. All the wonderful things she said....lies. And that was a hard pill to swallow.

I was like you-I thought if I loved her and treated her like a princess she would love me. But she didn't. She just used me to get what she wanted. And that's not love.

She didn't love you the way you deserved to be loved. And you have to grasp that.

If you sit back and think about events between the two of you you will start to see things in a whole other perspective.

When I moved out she moved her ex boyfriend in 5 days latter. But yet before I moved out she begged me to stay. She did that because she hadn't lined up her ducks in a row and she was trying to buy time. Wasn't because she loved me.

She moved fast when she was with me. Know why?Because when your just trying to keep up with someone you don't sometimes see the situation as you should. I'll post a few more examples latter for you.

[Pete2304]

Everything you are saying is hitting home with a bang. Painfully so but as you and I both know, it's because I already knew. I'm trying to convince myself this is the last time. I can't promise myself but I bloody hope I won't do it again. For the first time in our relationship I replied to a text of hers today with words along the lines of go away if you get my drift. Haven't ever done that before, I think this might just be the end of it. I've thought that before though.

[stillafool]

For the first time in our relationship I replied to a text of hers today with words along the lines of go away if you get my drift. Haven't ever done that before, I think this might just be the end of it. I've thought that before though.

 

Believe it or not, this is what will make her chase you because she doesn't want to get a whiff that she may lose her security blanket.

[Pete2304]

I know and that's what scares me. When she thought I was with someone she chased me and me being strong and not taking any of her BS will make her want me. I can't win really, either I pathetically beg her to come back knowing that by doing so she won't want me or I be strong and not put up with her rubbish knowing that will make her want me. It's the little man that I don't know what the hell to do about. The poor thing has woken up and seen one daddy in mummy's bed one morning and her boyfriend in her bed the next morning. She's just awful.

[Been]

Mine did the same. When I blocked her on my phone she showed up on my door step. I would make the mistake of letting her explain herself and I would always take her back. And see that's what I started to realize that if I let her talk she usually would manipulate her way back into my life.

This time didn't give her a chance. When I moved out I told her not to come around my place. She didn't listen. I gave her one warning. She still didn't listen.

So I called the police and they put a trespassing order on her-she's not allowed to come near my property and if she fails to obey she gets arrested.

See what I came to realize is thier isn't any excuse for what she did-she crossed the line and that's it.

[Jersey born raised]

The old expression "it is not you, it is me" is times painfully true. You touched lightly on her FOO issues (family of origin). They are like alcoholism only the alcoholic can control the issue. Your relationship with her and every relationship she has will be destroyed by her FOO issues. Focus on your life post divorce. Strive to establish a solid foundation to move forward with.

 

What are the custody arrangements with your son? What are the financial implications? What are the future living arrangements? These are the questions you need to address while using the 180.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

[Jatli]

I got back with my ex after he left me for another woman. He was with her for 15 months and then he started showing up where I was then texting me then calling me. After about a month of that we started hanging out more and more.

 

I always knew in my heart he would be back and I forgave him pretty early in but I was still devastated by what he did to us.

 

When we started hanging out again I laid into him one night and told him how I felt and that he would never make me feel that way again. We talked for hours.

 

We never talked about it again and I have just let it go and let things fall as they may. We have been back together for over a year now. I did not move back in but we are dating and I like my own place for now. Things are different but we are in a good place.

 

It takes patience and a lot of forgiveness to get through. But I truly love this man and I had to forgive him in order to move forward. He knows he has it good with me and he knows there will be no more chances for us if he dies it again. This was a one timer.

[Been]

His "wife" has already left him TWICE.

Take time for what? He's already given her a number of chances and she still lied and cheated on him. And he's suppose to be patient?

You live your life the way you want to live it. I feel when you give someone a second/third chance that already screwed you over your not living your life.

If you were at the altar and about to get married and could see into the future and saw this person would cheat on you during the marriage you wouldn't marry him/her.

Cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone and it is compounded x10 when you are married. It means you went back on your vows. Your willing to lie to your wife/husbands face. Your basically saying you have no respect for your marriage.

Life is too short for that. Someone deserves to be with someone who will love and respect that person -not waste thier time forgiving someone for something that should have never happened.

[Pete2304]

His "wife" has already left him TWICE.

Take time for what? He's already given her a number of chances and she still lied and cheated on him. And he's suppose to be patient?

You live your life the way you want to live it. I feel when you give someone a second/third chance that already screwed you over your not living your life.

If you were at the altar and about to get married and could see into the future and saw this person would cheat on you during the marriage you wouldn't marry him/her.

Cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone and it is compounded x10 when you are married. It means you went back on your vows. Your willing to lie to your wife/husbands face. Your basically saying you have no respect for your marriage.

Life is too short for that. Someone deserves to be with someone who will love and respect that person -not waste thier time forgiving someone for something that should have never happened.

 

Thank you again Been. I'm going to reply later to this because I haven't got the time now to write a proper response but thank you.