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Reconciliation in-progress: She slept with others during breakup...and I didn't


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So....as the title indicates I am in the midst of trying to sort through how to deal with this and not let it hinder the love we have.

 

A little background:

  • Together a year and a half
  • She broke up with me in the middle of July
  • I immediately went no contact
  • Two weeks later she called and texted a bunch asking if it can just be a break instead of a full-on breakup, I said not unless we are exclusive
  • I ignored some of her texts and we went another two and a half weeks with no contact (except for her liking my photos on instagram)
  • Towards the end of August I start getting tons of angry/sad voicemails and texts from her (assuming that I already replaced her with someone else, asking if i ever even loved her, angry for the way I mistreated her, etc..)
  • One night she sends me tons of hateful and angry texts and the next night apologizes for all of it and says she wants me back
  • We talk and she says she needs a little more time, but that she loves me and only wants me, no one else. I give her time
  • We casually see each other once a week for about three weeks, each time being fantastic
  • I ask her if she slept with anyone while we were apart (it was something I wanted to get out in the open sooner than later)
  • I get the answer I didn't want, she slept with three people that are friends of friends
  • She says she felt unwanted by me and thought that I had already moved on and replaced her
  • I am hit pretty hard by this, but inside I still feel that I love her and do feel bad for how I treated her leading to the breakup, and want to find a way past this
  • She and I both wish we could take back what lead to the breakup, the breakup itself, and what happened during it

 

The thoughts and visuals and sounds in my imaginations of her with others is the hardest thing to move past... I have been trying to think about the fact that we were both with others before meeting in the first place, but it is still not working that well.

 

This has really made me question what I thought to be a core belief of mine and I want to be able to grow from it if possible. And I would not be considering getting back with her if I didn't feel awful for how I made her feel unwanted and unloved while she was spending so much of her time and energy trying to make me happy.

 

So...all of that being said, please help me learn to move past it..

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[*]She broke up with me in the middle of July

Why?

 

 

[*]I immediately went no contact

Excellent way to recover from a break-up. Good for you.

 

 

[*]We talk and she says she needs a little more time, but that she loves me and only wants me, no one else. I give her time

Why did she need more time? Did you ask? She said she loved you so why is time relevant?

 

 

[*]She says she felt unwanted by me and thought that I had already moved on and replaced her

She broke up with you and wanted you to feel bad, thus making her actions seem warranted. You rationally moved on and tried to recover. I don't see any wrongdoing here.

 

 

[*]I am hit pretty hard by this, but inside I still feel that I love her and do feel bad for how I treated her leading to the breakup, and want to find a way past this

Don't have the info. about your relationshop before the break-up.

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With this much water under the bridge I wouldn't move past it, I'd move past her.

But hey, that's just me. To my mind she just wanted to get out and exercise her lady-bits because you were just a little too much of the same-old same-old. Now that that's out of the way it's back to old Mr. Reliable, till the next time.

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[*]She broke up with me in the middle of July

Why?

 

Why? She told me she felt like she had no choice and that she put in a lot of effort and felt that I didn't care...there were a lot of other reasons at the time but I think the aforementioned is what it boiled down to

 

 

[*]I immediately went no contact

Excellent way to recover from a break-up. Good for you.

 

Thank you, i felt a lot better by the end of the longest stretch (2.5 weeks)

 

 

[*]We talk and she says she needs a little more time, but that she loves me and only wants me, no one else. I give her time

Why did she need more time? Did you ask? She said she loved you so why is time relevant?

 

I did ask. It wasn't very clear, but I did not want to force the issue at the time.

 

 

[*]She says she felt unwanted by me and thought that I had already moved on and replaced her

She broke up with you and wanted you to feel bad, thus making her actions seem warranted. You rationally moved on and tried to recover. I don't see any wrongdoing here.

 

I think unwanted feeling was during the relationship, before the breakup

 

 

 

[*]I am hit pretty hard by this, but inside I still feel that I love her and do feel bad for how I treated her leading to the breakup, and want to find a way past this

Don't have the info. about your relationshop before the break-up.

 

At times I was harsh, overly critical, and she thought that being around her made me sad and disappointed (not entirely true, but there were things that happened that built up)

 

Thank you for your reply

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With this much water under the bridge I wouldn't move past it, I'd move past her.

But hey, that's just me. To my mind she just wanted to get out and exercise her lady-bits because you were just a little too much of the same-old same-old. Now that that's out of the way it's back to old Mr. Reliable, till the next time.

 

I don't know... If I didn't feel like I pushed her away in the first place, I would agree. But looking back I totally did push her away and that is what makes this so hard.

 

I think sleeping with others was her way (even if it wasn't mine) of dealing with the breakup.

 

I'm really looking for advice on to let it go and not associate love and sex so closely

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Wookin Pa Nub

I dated an awesome girl on college. We were infatuated with each other and talked of marriage. I eff'd things up and we ended breaking up. A month later she said she slept with a guy and was a "bad girl" on spring break trip to Florida. It was terribly painful for me but I think I still would have taken her back.

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Well, the story doesn't fit. There was a time when she asked you to change her break up to a break. You said "yes, only if we are exclusive". at that precise moment she could have had you exactly how she wanted you.

 

All she had to do is to commit that while the period of the break, she won't sleep with others. She couldn't commit, right? Because at that moment she already knew she's planning to sleep with others. So, the fairy tale of "I slept with others because of the way you treated me, and because I thought you've moved on" is nothing but a crap she's Bull$iting you with. It's a lie.

 

Add to that - you weren't so important to her at this period. She could freeze you easily from moving on. She could have had both worlds, all the time she needed. YOU AGREED TO THAT! But apparently you weren't worth much, especially not avoiding sleeping with others.

 

From my objective point of view I see a confused girl who while being unstable, doesn't really care about you, about hurting you, and instead of taking responsibility for her actions, she is too weak so she throws it all on you, while twisting the story and re-writing the past. When you accept that, you establish yourself as "the puppy" in the relationship, the one who can be treated like s***, and yet will always take her back. This is what's happening here, in case you didn't notice.

 

I'm not surprised you cannot get over it, because deep in your heart you know that it's wrong. You know that love itself isn't enough because something is broken here, and if you accept that, the next broken thing will be your heart.

Edited by lolablue17
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OP:

 

There's really no secret to letting go/getting over things like this. You either do or you don't. This isn't some logic puzzle for you. This is real - the thing you're stuck on are the images etc... that's not hitting the pre-frontal cortex of your brain (the logic center). That hitting deeper, more instinctual areas where you can't reason yourself out.

 

Letting go of that sort of stuff is really hard. A Zen Buddhist will tell you that the best way to let go of that stuff is to not hold on to it in the first place.

 

I don't know what to tell you except try not trying to get over it. Don't dwell on it either. Just let it be - let the thoughts, visuals and sounds come as they may. Don't fight them. But don't linger in them either. Let them come and go and maybe try to distract yourself when they do come.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

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The fact that she had sex with 3 different guys just because she felt unwanted and replaced is telling of her personality. Not that she cared or was falling for them; she gave them her body just because she felt unwanted. Hmmm, what will happen if you ever make her feel unwanted again? Not relationship material, but a very needy woman.

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I dated an awesome girl on college. We were infatuated with each other and talked of marriage. I eff'd things up and we ended breaking up. A month later she said she slept with a guy and was a "bad girl" on spring break trip to Florida. It was terribly painful for me but I think I still would have taken her back.

 

What ended up happening?

 

And what makes you say that you would take her back?

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Well, the story doesn't fit. There was a time when she asked you to change her break up to a break. You said "yes, only if we are exclusive". at that precise moment she could have had you exactly how she wanted you.

 

All she had to do is to commit that while the period of the break, she won't sleep with others. She couldn't commit, right? Because at that moment she already knew she's planning to sleep with others. So, the fairy tale of "I slept with others because of the way you treated me, and because I thought you've moved on" is nothing but a crap she's Bull$iting you with. It's a lie.

 

Add to that - you weren't so important to her at this period. She could freeze you easily from moving on. She could have had both worlds, all the time she needed. YOU AGREED TO THAT! But apparently you weren't worth much, especially not avoiding sleeping with others.

 

From my objective point of view I see a confused girl who while being unstable, doesn't really care about you, about hurting you, and instead of taking responsibility for her actions, she is too weak so she throws it all on you, while twisting the story and re-writing the past. When you accept that, you establish yourself as "the puppy" in the relationship, the one who can be treated like s***, and yet will always take her back. This is what's happening here, in case you didn't notice.

 

I'm not surprised you cannot get over it, because deep in your heart you know that it's wrong. You know that love itself isn't enough because something is broken here, and if you accept that, the next broken thing will be your heart.

 

There is a lot of reality in your post. Stuff that really makes me stop and think. While I don't think all of it necessarily applies, it is this kind of stuff that definitely keeps me cautious about my reasons for wanting to get back together with her.

 

It seems to me like she was too scared of things going back to how they were, i.e., me being a dick to her, criticizing her and unintentionally lowering her self-esteem.

 

I agree that she is confused and maybe a bit unstable in some ways.

 

My heart already felt like it was broken...If i were to proceed how do I avoid being "the puppy" as you call it?

 

I feel like I need to keep my distance for a while at least and figure myself out a bit before jumping into anything

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OP:

 

There's really no secret to letting go/getting over things like this. You either do or you don't. This isn't some logic puzzle for you. This is real - the thing you're stuck on are the images etc... that's not hitting the pre-frontal cortex of your brain (the logic center). That hitting deeper, more instinctual areas where you can't reason yourself out.

 

Letting go of that sort of stuff is really hard. A Zen Buddhist will tell you that the best way to let go of that stuff is to not hold on to it in the first place.

 

I don't know what to tell you except try not trying to get over it. Don't dwell on it either. Just let it be - let the thoughts, visuals and sounds come as they may. Don't fight them. But don't linger in them either. Let them come and go and maybe try to distract yourself when they do come.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

 

Thank you for this! A very informative post that is trying to get at the reason I started this thread.

 

I would love to hear anything more you have to say on the topic and anyone else with similar advice!

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What I see is a girl that is pushing you to prove you want her, a trial by fire of sorts.

 

Here is the problem, if she deals with emotional issues by running to other men she isn't a woman you should bet your future on just think about being in this same situation in 7 years, only now you have built a life with a kid or two.

 

Her coping mechanism is horrible, and it won't change without some serious introspection on her behalf. She seems more impulsive then calculated so it's not likely.

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What I see is a girl that is pushing you to prove you want her, a trial by fire of sorts.

 

Here is the problem, if she deals with emotional issues by running to other men she isn't a woman you should bet your future on just think about being in this same situation in 7 years, only now you have built a life with a kid or two.

 

Her coping mechanism is horrible, and it won't change without some serious introspection on her behalf. She seems more impulsive then calculated so it's not likely.

 

I sorta see that.

 

I agree, I am very cautious about considering a long term future with her despite the magic I still feel with her.

 

Any advice on how to handle myself? I feel like a lot has been said about her, whereas I am really looking for opinions on how to figure out if this something I can let go of and give her a second chance

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Any advice on how to handle myself? I feel like a lot has been said about her, whereas I am really looking for opinions on how to figure out if this something I can let go of and give her a second chance

 

I would move on if I were you and not give a second chance.

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I would move on if I were you and not give a second chance.

 

So that leads to me ask you why?

 

Is it because of the sex? Because that seems like the biggest hurdle for me...

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It is not just the sex, which is an issue.

 

It seems like she is playing with you, and you don't ever want to be in that position.

 

Also, you seem like you are backup plan guy, which is another place that you don't want to be.

 

Better to move on and let her be someone else's problem.

 

There are plenty of fish in the sea...

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It is a relationship that is spoiled.

Spoiled on the first place by you pushing her away, bing a d*ck and criticising her and lowering her self esteem, then spoiled by her deciding it was all over, then she asked for a break, then it was ultimately spoiled by her sleeping with other guys when on this "break".

 

Dating is supposed to be fun and easy, you were not married for the past 20 years, you were still finding out about each other, so you owe it to yourself to get out this mess asap, because it is a mess.

The psychological tricks you will need to employ to get those images out of your mind and for you to be able to stay with her and be happy, will drive you insane, and for what?

It was hardly the love affair of the century was it?

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It is not just the sex, which is an issue.

 

It seems like she is playing with you, and you don't ever want to be in that position.

 

Also, you seem like you are backup plan guy, which is another place that you don't want to be.

 

Better to move on and let her be someone else's problem.

 

There are plenty of fish in the sea...

 

I don't know. Those thoughts have crossed my mind, but she comes off genuine, if overly emotional and confused at times.

 

I really don't think it is the case of being a backup plan. If I was not a dick to her before for so long, I would think that maybe I was just backup, but we both seemed to have hurt one another and want to make up for it....

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It is a relationship that is spoiled.

Spoiled on the first place by you pushing her away, bing a d*ck and criticising her and lowering her self esteem, then spoiled by her deciding it was all over, then she asked for a break, then it was ultimately spoiled by her sleeping with other guys when on this "break".

 

Dating is supposed to be fun and easy, you were not married for the past 20 years, you were still finding out about each other, so you owe it to yourself to get out this mess asap, because it is a mess.

The psychological tricks you will need to employ to get those images out of your mind and for you to be able to stay with her and be happy, will drive you insane, and for what?

It was hardly the love affair of the century was it?

 

Very good post. It may seem cliche, but I still feel magic between us, that is for what. We click in so many ways, I think a lot of external factors wore on us both that lead each of to "spoil" it as you say.

 

But, it does seem like a mess, a total mess and I don't know what the way forward is. Because at the root of it all, there is a lot of love still there, even after all we have each done.

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I don't know. Those thoughts have crossed my mind, but she comes off genuine, if overly emotional and confused at times.

 

I really don't think it is the case of being a backup plan. If I was not a dick to her before for so long, I would think that maybe I was just backup, but we both seemed to have hurt one another and want to make up for it....

 

She isn't confused, she knows exactly what she's doing. She definitely has you confused.

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She isn't confused, she knows exactly what she's doing. She definitely has you confused.

 

I really don't think that... I think there are things that I have not conveyed here that have happened.

 

There really isn't much confusion at this point. The confusion was more during the breakup... She was very confused and emotional during that time... Up and down, hot and cold, etc.

 

Now it is a matter of whether or not both of us can put the past behind us and build something better.

 

Why do you assume the worst?

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I sorta see that.

 

I agree, I am very cautious about considering a long term future with her despite the magic I still feel with her.

 

Any advice on how to handle myself? I feel like a lot has been said about her, whereas I am really looking for opinions on how to figure out if this something I can let go of and give her a second chance

 

Being totally honest, it's not worth it. Coming back from a betrayal is a very long process and it requires a great deal of effort from both. With such a short time invested it would more likely be wise to move on.

 

But since you aren't going to do that here is what you can do.

 

Let it go, accept that it happened, know she can't change it now and watch her actions. I think what your looking for is someone to give you an idea of how to feel safe and comfortable being in this relationship, no one other then her can do that.

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There is no easy way forward. After exiting a delightfully awful push-pull relationship with someone I "loved" myself, I second other voices and advise you to run.

 

You are effectively condoning her coping mechanism when things are bad which is to take a "break" and screw around independently. She got what she wanted and you are left piecing together the why and what happens now? Any sense of a boundary with her concerning physical intimacy has been irrevocably blurred at best and obliterated at worst.

 

This behavior will form a pattern as it's born of bigger issues. You can allow it and it will continue. Or you will end it. You keep asking for advice for you but you must remember infidelity and loony behavior on her part is 100% her choice. You are just the other half who gets to enjoy it. She broke up with you, she slept around. She sent crazy angry texts and forced a confrontation. She's confused and lost... Her actions repeat unhealthy behaviors.

 

How you can cope with this or move forward and remain with her is to approach each day separately as a new opportunity from her. She get's to re-affirm the boundary through good behavior. Anything less than full contrition and remorse from her deserves a breakup from you.

 

Time will fade those thoughts and images. But unlinking love and sex is dangerous. Sex forms a bond which brings two people closer in love. If you try now to separate that link of love and sex you value, will you end up being like her? Able to run away and screw others without care or thought? Is that who you want to be?

 

No, best to preserve your views if they are truly yours and find someone who respects and shares that view. From experience, once you allow transgressions to be ok, you set up a slippery slope battling your own better judgment and principles. Be careful what "love" will make you compromise.

 

Why do we assume the worst? Because many of us here have been burned enough to not repeat obvious patterns which cause pain.

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