'It has to be THEIR initiative'

[Murmillo]

Hi all,

 

I am surprised by the lack of diversity on this message board when it comes to 'getting a second chance'.

 

The most common thing you hear here is to just walk away, not look back and it has to be the dumper's idea to give things another shot.

 

Why is that? Not one relationship is the same, nor is every break up. There can be thousand different reasons why people break up. Why do people think that there is just ONE way to reconcile?

 

I understand that this is the best way to heal and probably the safest route to reconciliation. But isn't it much more complicated than that?

 

Sometimes I think that the advice is a bit biased, maybe because people generalize their own experiences to the situation of other people? Probably the most common thing to do is to walk away. The people who did that and never heard from their ex again maybe just hate the idea that maybe things could have been different if they have not walked away but played their carts differently...(?)

 

It kind of reminds me of a hairloss forum where I am a member of. There is this pill that can stop hairloss but that can have some pretty bad side effects as well. People on that board who got side effects tend to attack the people that use that pill by telling them that they are stupid for risking their health like that (despite the fact that most men do not experience any side effects at all). See the similarity? People are pissed that something did not work out for them but get even more pissed if that same does work perfectly fine for someone else.

 

Any thoughts?

[cucumber95]

Yes you are right, but you don't need to do what people say here, people here are for giving support. Walking away, will show your ex that you accepted that you are not going to be together, and then some of them would think, and maybe start to miss you, when the miss, then they want you back, now this is rare, but it can happen, so while you heal, you start thinking differently, so maybe after few months you wont even want her back?

 

Now either you beg/don't walk away, or walk away, what does it change? nothing. If you beg, she might take you back but then she probabaly won't have respect for you, now if you walk away, then you can really see after time if she really cares or not.

 

I am in situation where I am in NC, but note she blocked me, but there is ways to contact her anyway, but she doesn't want me contacting her, now I have this thinking, maybe should I go to her? see what happens? but then, either I will be in more pain, or she will give me another chance (which is 1% chance really).

 

People her share their stories, and base their advices on their lifes, you either take this advice, or just do whatever you want to do.

[Jatli]

When me and my ex broke up I walked away yes but not truly. I was heart broken and I just knew that what we had was great and that he would eventually figure it out. At the beginning I tried to talk to him. Then I realized if he wanted to be with me he would and I stopped and tried to let go as much as I could. My heart was still with him but I knew I had to move on. We had been together 4 years.

 

After a year I finally started to laugh again easily and my dreams weren't always about him and my thoughts of him didn't take up my whole day. I still thought about him just not as much. I would run into him every now and then and I would say hi but that was it.

 

After 1 1/2 years he started showing up where I was and he started texting me. He then started asking me out for coffee then a drink then over for dinner. We started hanging out more and more. I said my peace to him once and let him know that I wasn't putting up with his crap again. He persued me and we started dating again.

 

That was over a year ago and we are still together and things are good. Not the same as before but we are in a good place.

[cucumber95]

When me and my ex broke up I walked away yes but not truly. I was heart broken and I just knew that what we had was great and that he would eventually figure it out. At the beginning I tried to talk to him. Then I realized if he wanted to be with me he would and I stopped and tried to let go as much as I could. My heart was still with him but I knew I had to move on. We had been together 4 years.

 

After a year I finally started to laugh again easily and my dreams weren't always about him and my thoughts of him didn't take up my whole day. I still thought about him just not as much. I would run into him every now and then and I would say hi but that was it.

 

After 1 1/2 years he started showing up where I was and he started texting me. He then started asking me out for coffee then a drink then over for dinner. We started hanging out more and more. I said my peace to him once and let him know that I wasn't putting up with his crap again. He persued me and we started dating again.

 

That was over a year ago and we are still together and things are good. Not the same as before but we are in a good place.

 

I am so happy for you, great story.

[Pharoh]

That is a great story jatli.

 

I think it comes down to the person. You can't help who you love and sometimes it just doesn't go away. Some people truly are better off walking away, and sometimes even if you try and the effort is all one sided it is best to leave it alone. If they come back down the road you have to evaluate the situation and make the decision to open that door again or not. There's a fine line between what's worth it and what's not.

 

My situation is similar to jatli's but not as far along. After a year my thoughts/feelings subsided but never really went away. In my case it's been a little over a year and a half. My ex just started contacting me again about a month ago. Saying she was young and stupid and wanted me to be a part of her life. in what way I'm not sur, I don't want to jump to conclusions. Since then I've made it a point to let her take *most* of the initiative, I'm not going to put out more effort than she is willing to. She's come up with a few plans and we have seen each other twice now. I can't tell if this is going to turn into anything yet because it's still pretty new, time will tell. I just have to make sure not to let my guard down. I'm also making sure I don't alter my life/miss out on other opportunities waiting for her. You never know when you'll meet another great person.

 

So yes to your point I don't think walking away and ignoring is the best case all the time. There is a fine line and every situation is different. In my case, it's been that long and I still have a soft spot for her in my heart. She contacted me so I feel like it's at least worth a shot to see where it goes. Maybe it works out or maybe I get burned. But I think it's better to find out for sure rather than ignore it and wonder.

[OneLov]

Hi all,

 

I am surprised by the lack of diversity on this message board when it comes to 'getting a second chance'.

 

The most common thing you hear here is to just walk away, not look back and it has to be the dumper's idea to give things another shot.

 

Why is that? Not one relationship is the same, nor is every break up. There can be thousand different reasons why people break up. Why do people think that there is just ONE way to reconcile?

 

I understand that this is the best way to heal and probably the safest route to reconciliation. But isn't it much more complicated than that?

 

Sometimes I think that the advice is a bit biased, maybe because people generalize their own experiences to the situation of other people? Probably the most common thing to do is to walk away. The people who did that and never heard from their ex again maybe just hate the idea that maybe things could have been different if they have not walked away but played their carts differently...(?)

 

It kind of reminds me of a hairloss forum where I am a member of. There is this pill that can stop hairloss but that can have some pretty bad side effects as well. People on that board who got side effects tend to attack the people that use that pill by telling them that they are stupid for risking their health like that (despite the fact that most men do not experience any side effects at all). See the similarity? People are pissed that something did not work out for them but get even more pissed if that same does work perfectly fine for someone else.

 

Any thoughts?

 

What else can you do? You can't force someone to be in a relationship. The best you can do is walk away and hope your situation ends up like the poster above. If she latched on like a parasite, I highly doubt they would be together right now. It's just how it works overall. Walking away affords you the best opportunity to have the person return. Tightening your grip will cause the person to want to run even more.

 

I definitely don't think people are being "haters" when giving the advice. It's just the only logical thing one can do. You can't control how someone feels about you, but you can control how you react to the situation. What would you tell them?

[Jatli]

Pharaoh

 

I understand where you are completely. I was there. The only thing I can tell you is let her do all the persuing. I didn't call him or let him know I was interested. I let him do all the work. If he wanted me back he needed to do the work.

 

The most important thing I can tell you is do not dwell on the reasons you broke up. Like I said I said my peace once and then let it go. It's not easy for everyone to do this but I truly deeply love this man and I needed to just let it go in order for us to even have a chance at working. Forgiveness is key.

 

I don't hold anything over him and we don't talk about it. It is a new relationship and you have to treat it as so.

 

I wish you all the best and hope you find what you need and what your heart truly wants.

[benpom]

Hi all,

 

I am surprised by the lack of diversity on this message board when it comes to 'getting a second chance'.

Any thoughts?

 

I think the way to do this is: You need to make the initiative to make the other person want to make the initiative. You try to attract the other person. You subtly chase the other person just enough to make sure he/she does not completely get over you, but you also stay at a safe distance to make the other person not feel pressured. Ideally, the other person does not even know you are planning anything at all.

 

Attraction is not all about physical. It's more about mindset.

 

I will try to remember to let you know if my theory works out down the road, since I am trying to get my soon-to-be ex back

[benpom]

These things are really case by case.

 

Everybody is partially governed by emotions and partially governed by logic.

 

For an emotional person, you really have to give some space first to let emotions settle down. Biologically, it takes some time to get over resentment. You can make apology to start the clock of getting over resentment, but the getting over part will still take time. Sweet words without actions may push them further away.

 

For the logical people, it's easier to talk them into a second chance by reasoning sometimes. But it's also likely that by the time they leave, they may have harbored A LOT of resentment. All this resentment is going to take a very long time to dissolve.

[ohleahmarie]

Hi all,

 

I am surprised by the lack of diversity on this message board when it comes to 'getting a second chance'.

 

The most common thing you hear here is to just walk away, not look back and it has to be the dumper's idea to give things another shot.

 

Why is that? Not one relationship is the same, nor is every break up. There can be thousand different reasons why people break up. Why do people think that there is just ONE way to reconcile?

 

I understand that this is the best way to heal and probably the safest route to reconciliation. But isn't it much more complicated than that?

 

Sometimes I think that the advice is a bit biased, maybe because people generalize their own experiences to the situation of other people? Probably the most common thing to do is to walk away. The people who did that and never heard from their ex again maybe just hate the idea that maybe things could have been different if they have not walked away but played their carts differently...(?)

 

It kind of reminds me of a hairloss forum where I am a member of. There is this pill that can stop hairloss but that can have some pretty bad side effects as well. People on that board who got side effects tend to attack the people that use that pill by telling them that they are stupid for risking their health like that (despite the fact that most men do not experience any side effects at all). See the similarity? People are pissed that something did not work out for them but get even more pissed if that same does work perfectly fine for someone else.

 

Any thoughts?

 

I totally agree. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend and I are going to get back together just because I know him and us. He hasn't ruled it out from what he's said to me. But people are telling me that his feelings are clear and to move on. I just don't agree. But maybe I'm just being an idiot and way too hopeful and optimistic. I don't know anymore.

[Marco Valerio]

Just a quick reminder:

 

"The first one to walk away was the dumper."

 

There's no need for the dumpee to be a doormat, nor has to beg to be loved.

[offwithhishead]

I've had similar thoughts. There's a whole industry on the internet that sells false hope to broken-hearted souls like the ones that inhabit this forum (myself included). At least the advice given here is sincere and mostly well-intentioned, even if there is generalizations being made.

 

That being said, there are some general truths to the whole walking away thing.

 

If you've been sincere and expressed to your ex how you feel, then that's all you can do. Begging will only push them away and make you look desperate. They know how you feel and they're not going to forget you overnight. That's not how humans work. People just don't forget about those they've been intimate with. Especially if the break up wasn't a bad one that involved cheating.

 

It's up to him/her to decide how she really feels about you and they can only do that if you give them space.

 

Of course, every situation is different and it all comes down to the people. There are cases of all kinds and no rules. There exists people who are sociopaths and can just brutally ghost someone forever with no regrets.

 

But if you've been intimate with someone and had good times together and once had feelings for each other and the break up wasn't a bad one, there will always be residual feelings. Even if the two of you never get back together.

[Late Nights]

Pharaoh

 

I understand where you are completely. I was there. The only thing I can tell you is let her do all the persuing. I didn't call him or let him know I was interested. I let him do all the work. If he wanted me back he needed to do the work.

 

The most important thing I can tell you is do not dwell on the reasons you broke up. Like I said I said my peace once and then let it go. It's not easy for everyone to do this but I truly deeply love this man and I needed to just let it go in order for us to even have a chance at working. Forgiveness is key.

 

I don't hold anything over him and we don't talk about it. It is a new relationship and you have to treat it as so.

 

I wish you all the best and hope you find what you need and what your heart truly wants.

 

 

I am happy that things have worked out for you. Also what you said above gave me a more clearer picture of what i am currently going thru with my ex gf. Shes making me work for it and not giving in and giving me any signs and if i really want her and to be apart of her life i really have to show it. She tells me she is still the same person but with different expectations.

[dangerous]

Shes making me work for it and not giving in and giving me any signs and if i really want her and to be apart of her life i really have to show it.

 

Be careful, if you are putting in all the work, she needs to give you something back soon enough. A relationship is a two way street and you don't want to get back with her having ALL the power. You will be weak and she can control you or drop you again.

[elaine567]

I am happy that things have worked out for you. Also what you said above gave me a more clearer picture of what i am currently going thru with my ex gf.

Shes making me work for it and not giving in and giving me any signs and if i really want her and to be apart of her life i really have to show it. She tells me she is still the same person but with different expectations.

 

Has it crossed your mind that she is NOT giving in and NOT showing you any signs as she is fact done with you?

[Kelley]

I think a relationship breaks down for a reason, and for it to work it needs two different people. Space and time gives perspective and time on your own to concentrate on you. Build yourself up, make life happy on your own. My sister got back with her ex 2 years after they split up. They were in different places and brought new things to the relationship that was lacking before. They have been together 3 years now and are going strong.

 

Personally my ex cheated on me, I loved him more than life and gave him everything I could but it wasn't enough. He moved on started a relationship with her. I'm a month NC and building myself back up again and adding a lot of things in my life I just didn't have time for before. He has got in touch recently and wants to try again but I said no. Too much hurt there for me, it just wouldn't work. I'm happy to meet someone new eventually and start again.

[Late Nights]

Has it crossed your mind that she is NOT giving in and NOT showing you any signs as she is fact done with you?

 

Yes i already know what you mean. I text her during the week because i was like **** it. In short i basically told her somewhere along the lines

 

" I came into the realization that your no interested in me and its time for me to move on. blah blah blah i hope you find what you are looking for and i need to go do the same too. you dont have to reply back "

 

so i went on my NC and what did you know a day later she text

 

"sorry to bother you can atleat be friends? you were my best friend for 3 years.."

 

smh

 

 

Be careful, if you are putting in all the work, she needs to give you something back soon enough. A relationship is a two way street and you don't want to get back with her having ALL the power. You will be weak and she can control you or drop you again.

 

 

Yes this is exactly where i am at. I don't want to give her all the power but after the "want to still be friends" text from her i gave in but i kept it short. The other night i didnt reply back to her earlier in the day so later on at night she texted me

 

"I love you. Goodnight"

 

 

This surprisd me because this was the first time she said she love me since 3 months. As of right now im not going to text her first or anything. If she wants to talk then she will text but other then that i still have to look forward and do me.

[aileD]

Yes i already know what you mean. I text her during the week because i was like **** it. In short i basically told her somewhere along the lines

 

" I came into the realization that your no interested in me and its time for me to move on. blah blah blah i hope you find what you are looking for and i need to go do the same too. you dont have to reply back "

 

so i went on my NC and what did you know a day later she text

 

"sorry to bother you can atleat be friends? you were my best friend for 3 years.."

 

smh

 

 

 

 

 

Yes this is exactly where i am at. I don't want to give her all the power but after the "want to still be friends" text from her i gave in but i kept it short. The other night i didnt reply back to her earlier in the day so later on at night she texted me

 

"I love you. Goodnight"

 

 

This surprisd me because this was the first time she said she love me since 3 months. As of right now im not going to text her first or anything. If she wants to talk then she will text but other then that i still have to look forward and do me.

 

My husband left me for another woman after a back and forth affair. The times we were separated, I always texted him "I love you, goodnight ". Every night. Even after big fights or drama or anything . Because I do love him and believe we can get thru anything.

 

It was one of the things that helped him find his way back to our marriage after a two month separation.

 

I don't know why I shared that, it just reminded me of our story.

[Late Nights]

My husband left me for another woman after a back and forth affair. The times we were separated, I always texted him "I love you, goodnight ". Every night. Even after big fights or drama or anything . Because I do love him and believe we can get thru anything.

 

It was one of the things that helped him find his way back to our marriage after a two month separation.

 

I don't know why I shared that, it just reminded me of our story.

 

Im glad everything worked out in the end for you. As for me im not sure what she is really feeling. Coming from a woman saying that do you think she means it tho?

[Miss Clavel]

Hi all,

 

I am surprised by the lack of diversity on this message board when it comes to 'getting a second chance'.

 

The most common thing you hear here is to just walk away, not look back and it has to be the dumper's idea to give things another shot.

 

Why is that? Not one relationship is the same, nor is every break up. There can be thousand different reasons why people break up. Why do people think that there is just ONE way to reconcile?

 

I understand that this is the best way to heal and probably the safest route to reconciliation. But isn't it much more complicated than that?

 

Sometimes I think that the advice is a bit biased, maybe because people generalize their own experiences to the situation of other people? Probably the most common thing to do is to walk away. The people who did that and never heard from their ex again maybe just hate the idea that maybe things could have been different if they have not walked away but played their carts differently...(?)

 

It kind of reminds me of a hairloss forum where I am a member of. There is this pill that can stop hairloss but that can have some pretty bad side effects as well. People on that board who got side effects tend to attack the people that use that pill by telling them that they are stupid for risking their health like that (despite the fact that most men do not experience any side effects at all). See the similarity? People are pissed that something did not work out for them but get even more pissed if that same does work perfectly fine for someone else.

 

Any thoughts?

 

the rate of success for re-growing hair is much much higher than for cheaters ever changing. which i think is why most of the advice on here tends to be the same. because cheaters cheat, repeatedly, and marriages fail. the same way relationships that begin in infidelity and lies rarely convert to long term faithful marriages. those are the facts. so yes, caring people try to help others avoid the "side effects".

 

the more you read on here, the more you see that most of the relationships that start with infidelity, are the same. the lies, the pain, the betrayal. suffered by both the wife and the other women.

 

over and over and over.

 

not quite boring but certainly predictable, IMO.

 

not much is new when it comes to cheating, Dday and the devastation of divorce.

 

since i did not care to reconcile, i can't speak to the way spouses navigate their challenges, but they all "read" very similar. learning to trust and rebuild.