Craig Schwartz Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 Hopefully the write-up of my story is not that confusing. I will try my best to break it down to the rudimentary elements. The reationship I am writing about happened ten years ago. We met at an University class that both of us attended. But unlike me, she took the classes only to wait for an approval for an entrance examination at a different school in a different city. We got together rather quickly and the level of our physical attraction was through the roof. Unlike anything I have encountered ever since. But it was not physical attraction only, it was deep affection for one another. I was litterally hanging on her every word and vice versa. I also pretty clearly showed my sincere intentions to her that she was the one for me. And made it very clear that I loved her. My dreamgirl so to speak. And exactly that seemed to be a problem. Her reasoning for ending our relationship was a feeling of breathlessness. She told me I was clinging to much. Another factor, that she did not mention, but is decisive in my opinion, was her relocation to a different city due to the change of universities. Our relationship lasted about a year. She was 23/4 and I was 24/5 during our relationship. I am not sure if it is noteworthy, but it was me who uttered "I love you" the first time. An utterance she first acknowledged but did not reply in the same manner. But she later said that I was her dream partner and that she loved me as well. After our relationship ended, she broke up with me, we remained in contact. I just did not want to loose her completely and was not aware of such a thing as the NC rule. So we talked on the phone and met up a couple of times to my dismay (as I naturally wanted more). During one of these meet ups she showed me the central parts of the movie Serendipity. And even said we may have met too early in life. I was so bewildered by this action, that I was not able to question her intention for doing so. On the day she ended our relationship, she remarked that she probably has to be mean to me, in order for me to better cope with the loss. To cut things short. she did exactly that with a text message after one of our gatherings. After that we haven´t had contact in ten years. Fast forward to the present. Over the years I could not forget her. And wondered once or twice a year what if..., what is she doing...., what does she look like now... etc. But google seemed to be of help at all. Until two months ago. I discovered her on Instagram. The sheer sight of her triggered so many emotions that I realized I had to be a little more active. So I found out her current address, drove 400 kilometres and went by to visit her. To make things even more cliché, inspired by John Cusack I packed a five-dollar bill with my name and phone number written on it and went by her place. After she opened the door, she introduced me to her nine year old son and we talked for about one and a half hours. She is a single parent and broke off contact to the child´ s father what so ever. This is the part where it becomes interesting. She remembered details about me and about my life that I would not have guessed she would still remember or think about. But in fact, she also did wonder what had happened to me over the years. Our chat was very lively and encouraging. At the end she asked me how often I would be in her town. I replied three or four times a year. And that the next time I will be there I should reach out. I asked how. And she texted me her number and added that she is pleased to have seen me again. Before I left, she told her son to say goodbye to me. I know that my deeds here will be a little too straight forward for some people. But the fact, that she opened the door and engaged in a very friendly chat with me, with the addition of giving me her phone number can only be iterpreted positively, can it not. What do you guys think? How do I proceed? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cucumber95 Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 Such a sad and happy story, nice that she welcomed you so nicely, and still remembered you, it means that she has loved you. If I would be you, and you really love/loved her and you think she was one of the best GF you had, then I would keep as much contact with her as I could, maybe there is chance of you two being together again? Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 I wouldn't hold on to high hopes. People change and so do feelings. Just because she remembers, it doesn't mean she has the same feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cucumber95 Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 mikeylo, you are right, but you can build feelings again, of course if both people want to, I would suggest keep as much contact as possible, and see how it goes, but as mieylo said, don't make hopes, just take it easy, what it is going to be, it is. Link to post Share on other sites
phenix Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 You just haven't found anything better yet. If you did, there's no way you'd value someone that dumped you so much. Have some pride. You're clearly not her first choice. You may at best be plan B, or C. How does that feel.. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 It's hard to say. You have some history there so it's a maybe. Her reaction seemed good. If it were me I would not rush but I would pursue not in a needy schoolboy way though if that's the course you want to take. Perhaps ask to take her and her child out for dinner, etc and see where it goes. Did she say if she was in a relationship of any kind? It was 10 years ago and she has a child plus probably some baggage so it may not be as you expected. I would have both eyes open and do not keep her on a pedestal. She's human and has flaws, etc. Good luck I hope you find what you're looking for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pete2304 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I don't think there's any harm in it. After the breakdown of my ten year marriage, I have also very recently got back in touch with an ex of mine from over ten years ago who was my childhood sweetheart and we were an item all through school and into our early twenties. It's strange but nice after all these years to speak again but I am not trying (although I would love to) to rekindle a relationship with her and I'm being very careful to not dwell too much on the past and keep bringing every conversation back to our old relationship because I have some wonderful memories and the last thing I want is to seem like I'm only in touch in an attempt to try and get back together. I actually miss her as a friend, she was not only my girlfriend but my best friend for a very long time. Don't push things, get to know her again, if she has any feelings for you or even develops them all over again you won't need to wonder, you will know. Just don't destroy all the fond memories by ending up falling out because you've tried too hard to bring the past back to life. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig Schwartz Posted October 2, 2016 Author Share Posted October 2, 2016 I will definately not be pushy. And I will also try to accept any possible outcome. Dwelling in the past gets you nowhere... Always forward, like Luke Cage (highly recommended by the way). Anyway, it was intriguing to see that she too wondered what had happened to me. And I don´t mean the mere fact of recollection on her part. The way she asked those questions surprised me. Even if I will not be seeing her ever again the reunion felt really good. Just seeing her once again was all worth it. For my own inner well-being I had to go through with it. I had to get it off my chest. Maybe I planted a seed. Time will tell whether a plant will grow from it or nothing will happen at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Pete2304 Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 I truly wish you good luck with this one. You just never know with something like this. The notion of you getting back together is almost fairytale in nature but stranger things have happened. Let us know how things pan out but glad you are taking it slowly, it wouldn't take much of a slip up to scare her away because no matter how much time has passed, you will both remember why you split in the first place and no doubt you've both been thinking a lot about old times recently, good and bad. Fingers crossed for you mate Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 Good luck I hope it turns out well for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig Schwartz Posted November 23, 2016 Author Share Posted November 23, 2016 (edited) After my surprise visit we texted a little bit back and forth. And this last weekend, I had business to attend to in her town. So I texted her about my visit. She replied that her weekend was pretty full but she might be able to drop by coincidental. And so she did. But before our meet-up, she texted: I should know she had a boyfriend and that our get-together will not be a date or anything like that for her. Nevertheless, she did show up anyways – a time investment of nearly 40 minutes per trip – and we chatted for a little bit. We were not alone, given that I told her to just meet me at a cafe where I had a powwow with associates. I asked her if she had anything to do in this part of town but she told me that she came straight from home. She said that she had to buy a little present for work and would therefore be pressed for time. As we hugged and said goodbye to each other she suggested that during my next visit I should tell her and we get a coffee or something else. Why does she emphasize about having a boyfriend and still makes time to visit me? Maybe she is just being nice, maybe not. I feel pretty relaxed and confident about the current state of affairs. Steady contact seems to be established at least Edited November 23, 2016 by Craig Schwartz Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 Are you hoping for a another chance with her? Do you still have romantic feelings for her after all these years? Link to post Share on other sites
Pete2304 Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 OP please take this reply in the kind hearted nature in which it's intended. I think you've posted the update looking for validation and because you're excited having met her again. You're hoping someone will say she told you about the boyfriend to make you jealous or that if you keep on down this path then she might fall in love with you again. You're going to keep pursuing this anyway, no matter what anyone here says. In truth, I think she was probably flattered and intrigued and maybe enjoyed thinking back on times when her life was more easy going etc and no doubt had a good time texting and catching up with you but in all likelihood I think you are being let down gently on this one. She maybe even considered the idea but in my experience women are far more pragmatic when it comes to this kind of thing and I think it seems like for her she found the spark wasn't there. I would implore you again not to turn this into a bitter regret. There seems a fairly good chance that you and your ex could become friends again and I would say that's better than you chasing something that's already gone. Like when you wake up in the middle of a nice dream and quickly try and get back to sleep only to end up losing all memory of the nice dream. Better to just take stock, be glad she's back in your life and leave it there for now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 I agree with Pete. OP, she is letting you down gently. If her feelings were still strong , she would have jumped at the opportunity but she hasn't and for old times dake, she is being polite. Don't push it so hard for something that isn't there anymore, for her at least. You are still holding the candle for her but she isn't feeling it anymore. You are seeing what you want to see and not what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 (edited) To all the John Cusack's, Disney Prince gentleman, lovers not fighters. This is truth right here. This is why when someone flakes on you.. you must walk and end the relationship immediately after being dumped This women made you drive so far only to crush your heart after 10 years. She should have told you from the beginning she had a boyfriend. Now without her boyfriend knowing she is talking to her old flame behind his back. Which if I were her boyfriend I would like to know that these events were transpiring. Lucky she learned her lesson from when she dumped you last time and learned not to jump from guy to guy. I know I failed kindergarten 5 times, but 10 minus 9 is 1. Ten years you guys brokeup and her son is 9 years old. She didn't breakup with you because of clinginess. She brokeup with you because there was another dude. Maybe if she stayed with you she wouldn't be a single mother. Maybe the guy cheated on her or was a douche bag or maybe he was too clingy. This is why men need to stop standing on lawns holding a stereo blasting love tunes confessing their love. Maybe after 10 years you can finally close this chapter and move on to plan A Edited November 24, 2016 by Sweetfish 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig Schwartz Posted November 24, 2016 Author Share Posted November 24, 2016 To be honest I have no idea why I kept you guys up to date. But I do not even know why posted in this forum in the first place. Maybe to read my own thoughts. Do I still have romatic feelings for her...? I think I do, but honestly i don´t know the person she is today. The version I do know is of 2006. And maybe this version is not compatible with me. Out of curiosity alone I would like to know what kind of person she has become over the years. Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 Yep, people do change and sometimes for the better. Problem is it seems like you may want more than just friendship with her. You want to be able to talk with her, spend sometime with her and see what happens and she has a boyfriend and has made it clear that she is not looking for anything romantic with you. At least at this time. As long as you don't start getting too attached, don't expect anything at all and can go days and weeks without any communication then i guess no harm in just keeping in touch once in a while as long as you are still actively open and looking to find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 24, 2016 Share Posted November 24, 2016 You never know. You put yourself out there but font get your hopes up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pete2304 Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 To be honest I have no idea why I kept you guys up to date. But I do not even know why posted in this forum in the first place. Maybe to read my own thoughts. Do I still have romatic feelings for her...? I think I do, but honestly i don´t know the person she is today. The version I do know is of 2006. And maybe this version is not compatible with me. Out of curiosity alone I would like to know what kind of person she has become over the years. Haha you don't "think" you do, you're still nuts about her! One day mate maybe she will start to see the changes in you which have no doubt happened over 10 years. Right now she doesn't have any romantic feelings for you. Why not suggest a catch up with a group of people, few beers with friends then it takes the pressure off her. It's casual and if she doesn't want to come then it's not awkward and you can go out anyway. Chances are you are never going to get her back but if you are, it will come from her and if in time she starts to see you in a different light you will soon know about it. Just don't mess up what sounds like a friendship that you would be glad to have even if that's all it ends up being. I also am not trying to speak on behalf of other people but glad you did update and if you feel the need, keep doing so. Plenty of genuinely compassionate people here and I for one, have been glad to be able to type out and talk through my feelings with people here because it's better than bottling it up. Good luck mate Link to post Share on other sites
LargoLagg Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 I'd suggest you stop the soft approach. You've been bold so far, so why be coy now? You should ask her if she loves her boyfriend. If she says yes, then you know where you stand. If she says no, then you should ask her out. The danger with all women is that if you take too long to make your move, you infect the romantic relationship with friendship, and once it goes there, you're almost always done. My opinion is that her reaction to you right now is not promising, but what do you have to lose, other than months and months of wasting your time with her? The other thing is the math mentioned by Sweetish. I'm not sure if you got the point, but a 9 year old boy + 9 months gestation = 10 years ago she was banging the father. I guess she liked you well enough at the time, but not well enough to keep you in the mix, and not enough to tell you the truth, and not enough to keep someone else's sperm out of her eggs. There's two possibilities - either she made a mistake and thought you'd never understand, or she was simply not interested in you. I think there'd be more drama to the breakup if it was the first thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DeLaSouL Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 (edited) To all the John Cusack's, Disney Prince gentleman, lovers not fighters. This is truth right here. This is why when someone flakes on you.. you must walk and end the relationship immediately after being dumped This women made you drive so far only to crush your heart after 10 years. She should have told you from the beginning she had a boyfriend. Now without her boyfriend knowing she is talking to her old flame behind his back. Which if I were her boyfriend I would like to know that these events were transpiring. Lucky she learned her lesson from when she dumped you last time and learned not to jump from guy to guy. I know I failed kindergarten 5 times, but 10 minus 9 is 1. Ten years you guys brokeup and her son is 9 years old. She didn't breakup with you because of clinginess. She brokeup with you because there was another dude. Maybe if she stayed with you she wouldn't be a single mother. Maybe the guy cheated on her or was a douche bag or maybe he was too clingy. This is why men need to stop standing on lawns holding a stereo blasting love tunes confessing their love. Maybe after 10 years you can finally close this chapter and move on to plan A Exactly this OP!! I know you've held a candle for 10 years, we can all read between the lines of your post. But like Sweetfish said, her child is 9 years old. 10 - 9 = 1 year in between the birth of her child and your breakup with her. Don't forget the whole 9 months (and a week -280 days total) pregnancy proces. that leaves only 3 months between your breakup and the winning sperm. If you ever needed any closure, it's this with a big fat sign. Edited November 30, 2016 by DeLaSouL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 Dude, she doesn't have the same feelings anymore. You are wasting your time. If she did have , you wouldn't have posted here. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts