It's been 1.5 years, my ex contacted Me and we hung out.. now what?

[Pharoh]

So I was with my ex girlfriend for over two years until she lost feelings for me and moved on. Naturally I was pretty upset. It's been about a year and a half and I haven't had much contact with her other than the quick happy birthday conversations.

 

She contacted me a few weeks ago saying she just thought of me and figured she would text me. We continued to text that night and she suggested that maybe we could get together sometime soon. I agreed and said that it would be nice to get back on normal terms. She said the same and added that she was rude for what she did when she needed space, that she was stupid and she wants me in her life.

She was going to check her schedule at work since it changes weekly and let me know when she was free.

 

We had a conversation one other evening that week but then I didn't hear from her for a while after that. Around three weeks went by without contact until one day I was feeling kind of up to it so I texted her asking how things were going. She apologized for being very busy lately without me even bringing it up. She then said that the next Sunday she was free and made plans for then.

That was this past weekend. She came over to see my new place, we went to a farmer's market that we used to go to and looked at their fall/winter trinkets and decorations, and then we got dinner. After dinner we hung out back at my place for an hour or two before she left. When she was leaving she mentioned that maybe we could go to a pumpkin patch or hayride sometime soon. She said thanks and that she had fun. We hugged and she left.

 

We texted that night after she got home. Both agreeing that we had fun and it was a good time. Not awkward at all. We brought up the hayride pumpkin patch thing again and she said she was excited. We plan on going but she has to figure out her schedule again. The whole thing went really well, we were both outgoing, we talked and laughed. It was nice. That was last night and we haven't talked at all today.

 

I'm just wondering what's next? What do I do? I can't get a great read on the situation or what she is getting at here. I'm pretty sure she hasn't been in a relationship since ours and neither have I. Most of this has been initiated by her, but she also seems very busy and very bad at texting/keeping in touch.

 

The past is the past and I want to give things another shot if that's an option, but I plan on being very very cautious here. What do I do now? How can I capitalize on this if possible? Just looking for advice or opinions.

Edited October 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[NopeNah]

Just relax and be yourself. To start over you both must start fresh.

 

DO NOT smother her with texts,calls,ect...Let her do the leg work. Afterall, she's the one who left you in the first place.

[JewelD]

She's an ex for a reason. Move on.

 

Because you responded to her text, she knows she can use you whenever she wants. That's why you didn't hear from her 3 weeks after that. Now she's got you back to chasing her.

 

She has to 'figure out her schedule'. Come on, man, see through the bs. If an ex wants you back forreal, they probably won't wait over a year to tell you and they won't leave you hanging for 3 weeks after they make contact. Sounds like she was bored.

 

Stop initiating with her and see how hard she works to get in touch with you.

[Pharoh]

I see what you are coming from but from what I understand her job is all different shifts and it's a weekly schedule, so she doesn't know too far ahead of time what shifts/weekends she works. I'm definitely not trying to defend her I just want to put all the pieces of the puzzle on the table here.

 

I'm not jumping to the conclusion that she wants me back right away or anything, but I feel like the fact that she is the one that made the effort to suggest two different get togethers suggests it has to be more than just pulling my strings right? Specially since we hung out for 5 hours and then she suggested another involved activity. It was more than the typical "let's catch up" lunch. Is that a crazy assumption?

 

Anyway, I'm definitely not going to smother her with contact or anything. And like I said im not suggesting she's trying to get me back. I just wanted to get some outside perspective and what I should do to make the most of this. I'm definitely going to be careful though and not put myself out there.

[Thatoneguy55]

She's involved with someone. It's at the end stage where they are fighting, and you are an ego-boost. Old reliable.

 

You really should read more threads here friend. "Need space" is a euphemism.

[aloneinaz]

She's an ex for a reason. Move on.

 

Because you responded to her text, she knows she can use you whenever she wants. That's why you didn't hear from her 3 weeks after that. Now she's got you back to chasing her.

 

She has to 'figure out her schedule'. Come on, man, see through the bs. If an ex wants you back forreal, they probably won't wait over a year to tell you and they won't leave you hanging for 3 weeks after they make contact. Sounds like she was bored.

 

Stop initiating with her and see how hard she works to get in touch with you.

 

Agree ^^

 

This reeks of someone who is bored or maybe in between dating anyone interesting or is on a streak of bad dates. She could of also wanted a "gut check" to spend time w/you again to see if her original decision of kicking you to the curb was right.

 

Not many people would even reply to a dumper nor want to spend ANY time with them again. They've already been kicked to the curb once and don't want it to happen again.

 

You'd be very wise to simply vanish on her and let her find someone else to stroke her ego and entertain her until she finds someone new she wants to date. You don't want to be that doormat.

[Lois_Griffin]

I'm not jumping to the conclusion that she wants me back right away or anything....

That's exactly the conclusion you're jumping to and hoping for.

 

...but I feel like the fact that she is the one that made the effort to suggest two different get togethers suggests it has to be more than just pulling my strings right?

Exactly how much 'effort' does it take to send a lame text, sniffing to see if you'll still talk to her 1.5 years after she treated you like sh*t? She knows you well - you jumped at the bait and gave her exactly what she needed - a big ego boost because someone had probably dumped her recently and she wanted to sooth her ego and know that she's still desirable.

 

And then, without warning, she suddenly disappears for 3 WEEKS. Complete radio silence from the girl who supposedly feels bad for how she treated you in the past and wants you so badly in her life now. And you go chasing her and text her and you actually feel flattered that SHE brought up how she'd been ignoring you and was oh so busy those last 3 weeks, as though that lame apology makes it all ok.

 

You wanna bet her ex contacted her (or she contacted him) and they went another few rounds and that's why she suddenly went silent on you for 3 weeks? Bet on it. Stop believing her lies about being SOOOOO busy that over the course of almost a month she couldn't take 2 minutes and send a text. Jeez.

 

Specially since we hung out for 5 hours and then she suggested another involved activity. It was more than the typical "let's catch up" lunch. Is that a crazy assumption?

Big deal. Why are you looking at spending the day together - because she had nothing better to do since she was recently dumped and needed something to distract her - as some sort of cosmic sign? It's not.

 

Anyway, I'm definitely not going to smother her with contact or anything. And like I said im not suggesting she's trying to get me back. I just wanted to get some outside perspective and what I should do to make the most of this. I'm definitely going to be careful though and not put myself out there.

Make the most of WHAT? Being treated as an option, and something to distract her when she's got nothing better going on?

 

She's already shown you loud and clear how "interested" she really is when she went silent on you for 3 weeks and YOU had to reach out to her. You keep conveniently forgetting that she's STILL treating you like an option when she's got nothing better going on.

 

Stop being so desperate to have her that you'll accept this lame-ass disrespectful treatment.

 

Lastly, I can guarantee you that the minute she finds a new love interest, she'll disappear from your life as quickly as she reappeared.

[Pharoh]

I appreciate all of the responses, I wasn't expecting them to be so glaringly against the idea but maybe that's what I needed to keep my expectations in check. A couple of things though:

 

I'm almost positive she was never in another relationship. That doesn't mean there wasn't a fling or some other feelings. Idk. Maybe that's the same difference?

 

I don't need her, and I'm doing fine for myself without her. I'm a better person and in a better position than before from natural life advancements. So I'm not going to do anything different in my life specifically because she is trying to contact me now. For whatever reason.

So is it bad that we hang out even if I wasn't going to be doing anything anyway? I'm not canceling plans or altering my life for her. If I just take it for what it is and not worry about what happens, is that a big deal?

 

She texted me again last night, without me saying anything. Just casual conversation but she mentioned she wants to start watching this TV show together that we were talking about if we can get our schedules to match. Again she works slot of evening random shifts. She suggested next Wednesday. So now we're up to three different activities she has attempted. Two within a couple days.

 

Again I'm not going to alter my life here but is it bad to do this if I have nothing else planned anyway, since we laugh and have a good time?

 

Also, If she's the one that's contacting me all this time, am I in a position to ask why after this long she "suddenly" decided to be friends again and start hanging out? That I'm not going to be an option if she's going to disappear again. Just to be straightforward and not play games. Or is it not the time for that confrontation?

[Miss Peach]

FWIW I would go into this figuring out what boundaries you may need to set.

 

If you like her company and are able to accept her as a friend now that the hurt has gone away then fine. If you want to get back together then fine. The reason I suggest this is because one of you may be going in with higher expectations.

 

I would also look at why she's an ex. Has something there really changed? Is it something you can accept now where you are in your life? Is it something you can accept in friendship but not in a romantic relationship?

 

I've had a few exes where we were later able to reconnect as friends after time has passed. I've also had guys sniff around halfheartedly for second chances or an ego boost. I'm sure there are some people out there who are serious. You'll have to watch her actions and go with your gut on what you think she's after.

[Simon Phoenix]

You're overthinking this. If she's interested she'll contact you. She broke up with you, she'll be more than willing to bring up the romantic aspect if she wants. But you already have way too many expectations. See it as a one-off with an old friend and that's it.

 

Your plotting shows that maybe you aren't ready for this. If you were, you wouldn't be strategizing and psychoanalyzing. R-E-L-A-X.

 

But yes, it's ok for you to ask her that question if the contact continues with no moves on her end. Instead of trying to read tea leaves, just ask.

[Jatli]

My ex contacted me after 1 1/2 years apart and he started showing up where I was and we started taking then hanging out then slowly hanging out more and more. That was over s year ago and we are still together. Things are going well. Not the same relationship we had before but things are good with us. Trust your heart it will tell you if things are right.

[Pharoh]

To Miss Peach:

I would be okay with us being friends, I would also be okay with it turning into more than that. Not sure if being okay with both is possible but as long as whichever one it is turns out to be natural then I'm okay with it. What I would not be okay with obviously is her playing the friend game now and then disappearing for months at a time. It's gotta be real.

 

She is my ex because she lost interest and left. There was something real there because she would talk about marriage and kids, living together and that kind of thing. She would genuinely cry sometimes when I had to leave her. But she was young then and eventually ended up losing interest. It hurt at the time, for a while, but I am over it now. I can accept that this happens to people, especially at that stage of life. She was 20 and in college for nursing while I was 23, already graduated with a job. Two very different stages of life even though the age difference is small. I actually lost interest in a similar way with my previous girlfriend when I was that age. The difference being I never felt the need to get together a year and a half later. Which maybe is why I can't grasp what my ex really wants right now. Anyway she's now graduated and into the same stage of life as me. I've accepted what happened, it happens to people, the past is the past.

 

Simon Phoenix - You're right, I am going to try to stop over thinking everything and just take it at face value. I'm not throwing myself out there making plans. Like you said if she wants to make moves then she will. I'll continue to let her put herself out there if she wants. She suggested both watching the show together and going to the pumpkin patch so we'll see if any of that ends up happening.

 

I appreciate all of the input here. It really helps give me perspective.

 

One more thing, I've only texted her first once and I've left it up to her to text me first the other handful of times. Should I shoot a text first every once in a while, even just for small talk to make it more like a friendship, or exclusively wait for her to contact me? Not sure how to approach that because I always hate having to text someone first every single time, but this is obviously a different situation.

[Art_Critic]

She's involved with someone. It's at the end stage where they are fighting, and you are an ego-boost. Old reliable.

 

I tend to agree with this, it's also possible she is no longer involved but is lonely looking for the old familiar feeling...

 

IMO, the checking on her schedule before agreeing to a date is kinda weird... sounds like burning the candle at both ends to me, normally people at the very least know enough about their work schedule to setup a date.. seems she is making sure you don't overlap with someone else kinda thing..

 

I could be wrong however...

 

It's up to you, if it were me in your situation I would go out again and press to see her more..trying to get intimate would also be something you might try.. if she bucks you then you have your answer...

[Blanco]

I would be okay with us being friends, I would also be okay with it turning into more than that. Not sure if being okay with both is possible but as long as whichever one it is turns out to be natural then I'm okay with it.

 

 

Foul!

 

Sorry, man, I know exactly what you're going through and believe me, you aren't nearly as indifferent as you might hope you are. If you go the friends route (which, honestly, is the vibe I'm getting from her behavior), can you really, truly, honestly say that you'll be OK if/when she starts dating someone? Probably not.

[Simon Phoenix]

To Miss Peach:

I would be okay with us being friends, I would also be okay with it turning into more than that. Not sure if being okay with both is possible but as long as whichever one it is turns out to be natural then I'm okay with it. What I would not be okay with obviously is her playing the friend game now and then disappearing for months at a time. It's gotta be real.

 

She is my ex because she lost interest and left. There was something real there because she would talk about marriage and kids, living together and that kind of thing. She would genuinely cry sometimes when I had to leave her. But she was young then and eventually ended up losing interest. It hurt at the time, for a while, but I am over it now. I can accept that this happens to people, especially at that stage of life. She was 20 and in college for nursing while I was 23, already graduated with a job. Two very different stages of life even though the age difference is small. I actually lost interest in a similar way with my previous girlfriend when I was that age. The difference being I never felt the need to get together a year and a half later. Which maybe is why I can't grasp what my ex really wants right now. Anyway she's now graduated and into the same stage of life as me. I've accepted what happened, it happens to people, the past is the past.

 

Simon Phoenix - You're right, I am going to try to stop over thinking everything and just take it at face value. I'm not throwing myself out there making plans. Like you said if she wants to make moves then she will. I'll continue to let her put herself out there if she wants. She suggested both watching the show together and going to the pumpkin patch so we'll see if any of that ends up happening.

 

I appreciate all of the input here. It really helps give me perspective.

 

One more thing, I've only texted her first once and I've left it up to her to text me first the other handful of times. Should I shoot a text first every once in a while, even just for small talk to make it more like a friendship, or exclusively wait for her to contact me? Not sure how to approach that because I always hate having to text someone first every single time, but this is obviously a different situation.

 

No, not at all. It's up to her to take the initiative. It's up to you to live your life and not be waiting around for an ex-girlfriend from 18 months ago. The fact that you've given her this much of an audience is a bit weird. And, quite frankly, I agree with Blanco on a) that you have no real interest in being friends and that you want to be romantic and b) that I'm getting much more of friend vibe from her in her interactions with you.

 

Don't act like you want to be her friend. You don't. If she contacts you again you have two real options a) ask her to do something with you and or b) ask her why she's texting you all of a sudden. If she's evasive about either of these questions, then she's not that into you romantically and you can squash this whole thing now.

Edited September 28, 2016 by Simon Phoenix

[BC1980]

She hasn't done anything that suggests she wants to get back together, but I'm sure that is what you want. I can't see you being okay just hanging out with her because you are wondering when she will text you back or if she will make good on her plans. If you only wanted friendship, you wouldn't worry about that and just let it play out. But I get the sense that you devote a lot of time wondering if she will text you back, meet up, and what her intentions are.

 

You said that you have contacted her over the past 18 months to wish her happy bday, so you have kept the door open. I would either cut off contact for good or ask her what her intentions are. Because she is an ex, you can't treat her like a normal friend.

[Pharoh]

Okay so I guess I am more interested in being in a relationship with her than just friends. I at least want to find out where this is going.

 

I have been continuing on with my life since this has happened. I haven't altered anything because of her, it's all been in free time when I've had nothing else planned. But yes I do think about her texting/intentions etc. And yes birthday texts happened, she wished me one so later that year I did the same. But that was always it. She's never shown this kind of interest until now.

 

So when you say ask her if she wants to do something, she's already suggested two different things for us to do after the first one we already did. The closest of which is starting a TV show together next Wednesday evening. I can do nothing, to wait and see if she brings it up again. Or I could bring it up again and see if we're still on for it. Or do you mean that as in I should try for something else?

 

To art critic: I agree the schedule checking is weird and rather annoying, I was told that she works many evenings and weekends, and it's a weekly schedule so she never knows too far ahead if time. Though I have no way of actually verifying this. She said she would check her schedule because the fall festival she mentioned (pumpkin patch) is only on the weekends. So she may need to switch. Idk so she says.

 

I'm getting the consensus that if this keeps up I should press the issue a little to see what she's really doing. Rather than wait. But not to stick my neck out over it, which I won't. Only if she keeps contacting me.

Edited September 28, 2016 by Pharoh

[Cephalopod]

She is friend-zoning you, keeping you as a satellite to feed her ego?

 

Why would you want to be just friends with an ex-lover? If she had any romantic interest in you she would have made it known by now.

 

Stop talking to her and move on to a woman who is into you.

[JewelD]

Okay so I guess I am more interested in being in a relationship with her than just friends. I at least want to find out where this is going.

 

I have been continuing on with my life since this has happened. I haven't altered anything because of her, it's all been in free time when I've had nothing else planned. But yes I do think about her texting/intentions etc. And yes birthday texts happened, she wished me one so later that year I did the same. But that was always it. She's never shown this kind of interest until now.

 

So when you say ask her if she wants to do something, she's already suggested two different things for us to do after the first one we already did. The closest of which is starting a TV show together next Wednesday evening. I can do nothing, to wait and see if she brings it up again. Or I could bring it up again and see if we're still on for it. Or do you mean that as in I should try for something else?

 

To art critic: I agree the schedule checking is weird and rather annoying, I was told that she works many evenings and weekends, and it's a weekly schedule so she never knows too far ahead if time. Though I have no way of actually verifying this. She said she would check her schedule because the fall festival she mentioned (pumpkin patch) is only on the weekends. So she may need to switch. Idk so she says.

 

I'm getting the consensus that if this keeps up I should press the issue a little to see what she's really doing. Rather than wait. But not to stick my neck out over it, which I won't. Only if she keeps contacting me.

 

You said she dumped you because she lost interest. What has happened that has made you so much more interesting to her now?

 

You can ask what her intentions are and she will probably say whatever it takes to keep you hooked. "I don't know, let's see where this goes" "My life is really hectic right now, but I love being with you" "Let's not define this with labels".

 

You said you're a better person and your life has been better since the breakup. So why would you want her back in the first place? At best, she'll date you for a little while and lose interest again.

[BC1980]

I think her intention is to see how this turns out. I think she's going to take it by ear. I think she is ambivalent right now. I mean, there is a possibility that she wants to start things up again, but I'm not seeing that so far. At the very most, I would give this no more than a month, and then, if it's not clear, just ask he straight out what she wants. But I wouldn't give it more than another month.

[Simon Phoenix]

So when you say ask her if she wants to do something, she's already suggested two different things for us to do after the first one we already did. The closest of which is starting a TV show together next Wednesday evening. I can do nothing, to wait and see if she brings it up again. Or I could bring it up again and see if we're still on for it. Or do you mean that as in I should try for something else?

 

Suggestions don't mean s--t, no offense. And no, no matter how badly you want to find a reason to initiate, don't. My comment about "asking her to do something" was based on her contacting you. If she doesn't, then you don't say a word. If she does, then you be assertive in the two ways I mentioned (asking her to do something at a specific time or asking her why she's all of a sudden contacting you) and stop the friendzone texting. Or don't answer at all and be done with this for good -- or until you can deal with this without any expectations and without bending your mind into a pretzel.

 

If you ask her all of a sudden why she's contacting you and she gives you a cop-out answer like the one Jewel mentioned above, then I'd cut bait if i was you.

Edited September 29, 2016 by Simon Phoenix

[dumbass2]

Totally agree with everyone on the friend zoning. My ex tried to do that to me. Stop with being too friendly. Don't be her buddy or emotional tampon. You need to either ask her straight up why she contacted you and her intentions or else put yourself in a situation sooner rather than later to try and get romantic (doesn't have to be sex). You have to try and treat this like you were dating someone for the very first time. I don't think you can handle just being friends because there is no way you can say to yourself that you'd be okay with things either way. Doesn't work that way with someone you had a romantic relationship with especially after only a year or so.

[Pharoh]

I agree with what everyone is saying and I'm grateful for the advice. I need to get to the bottom of it sooner rather than later. She seems to be keeping better contact with me than she ever has before and I think we are getting together again in the next few days to watch that show she's been talking about. So I'm going to keep a close eye on the vibes she's putting out and see if anything comes of it. Try to push a little to set other plans up and see each other more and continue to see how she reacts, if she gets any warmer towards me or if she gets more hesitant. I will hopefully have my answer over the next short while and I'll move on.

 

I know people wonder what I think has changed now as opposed to when she lost interest before. I just feel like us being at the two different stages of life before could have played a big part of it. She was in the thick of a nursing degree, overwhelmed with studies and work, and just flat out young. Which I know is not an excuse, if someone wants it to work they will find a way, But I feel like it contributes to the big picture. Before that, when things were good, they were very good. She had such strong feelings, even stronger than I had for a time. So idk maybe there is a chance now that she's done with schooling, and all the commotion that comes along with it has settled down, the feelings from before might settle in again and we can start fresh both being more mature.

 

To me it really feels like a "right person, wrong time" situation. But maybe that's a bunch of BS, it's hard to tell sometimes.

[dumbass2]

Just remember, actions not words. Get to the point where you can get in a romantic situation and try a passionate kiss and see what happens. Again, you don't want to be friends and strung along while feeding her attention. Don't become her male girlfriend. Good luck

[Pharoh]

So just an update. She came over on Monday, we got some food and stayed in all night. We started a series on Netflix and then the second half of the night we talked.

We ended up talking about our past and how the relationship ended. She owned up to her mistakes saying what I had mentioned before about her being young and selfish and in college she wasn't ready for the commitment. She said that she was really stupid for what she did. She even said that us being in two different stages of our lives was something that could have contributed. Now the she is in the real world too she understands that. I owned up to the things that I regretted. I feel like we really cleared the air.

 

We talked about good memories from the past, our parents (she seems to really miss my parents), some trips we went on together. I mentioned one of the trips and she seemed really enthusiastic and talked about how much fun it was. The past memories really seemed to click with her, really seemed to make her think. Not sure how else to describe it, but they had a positive effect on her emotions.

 

This is only the second time we have seen each other, and it definitely feels like we are getting more comfortable. She brought up things the future, not in a serious way, but an idea having a movie weekend with drinks and stuff. Also about going to "light up night" in the city for the holidays. Does that stuff seem like more than just friendly activities? Movies and "drinks" over a whole weekend? And light up night definitely seems more like a date activity than a friends thing. Maybe I'm thinking too much into it.

 

While we were watching TV we were on the same couch, she laid down at one point and put her feet up to me. I asked if she wanted me to move down so she had more room and she said no I was good. I know nothing mind blowing here but maybe I could have offered for her to put her feet over me, just as some slow progression and some contact, but I didn't think about it. Anyway, like I said we definitely seemed more comfortable around each other. I was still having a hard time getting a solid read on what she wants. She seemed like she kind of regretted what happened. I'm wondering if maybe she is nervous , or is taking things slow and feeling out the situation now, like what BC1980 said a few posts back. In which case I'm afraid to dive right in and ruin it with too strong of a move like a kiss or a "what are you getting at here" question.

 

For now I'm thinking about just staying on the same track I've been, not really putting myself out there, waiting for her to create the opportunities to see each other. If we do hang out more see if we continue to get closer and see how she reacts.