How to move on from the "past" to start fresh

[Hatelove_1]

Hello everyone,

 

Im new here and have found this community to be truly supportive. I am here to ask for some honest advice as I see that most people here have first hand on experience.

 

My ex is back and I never mentally or emotionally prepared for him to ever return. I accepted the breakup after two months as final for life. Although I loved him I couldn't sit there and wait.

 

My ex boyfriend and I met back in 2014 by the odds of life. We fell deeply in love and started a relationship quickly. The relationship was very deep and strong fast and it was the happiest I've ever been with a man. I felt like I have found the perfect man and there was no one else I wanted. Although I was only 24 I had already been through two deep heart breaks, some serious relationships and experienced the single life that anyone can dream of. I traveled, I dated, had tons of sex with different men. By the time I met him, I was at a stage of my life where I was ready to fall in love again and I did. He on the other hand, had never been that serious with anyone and had very little relationship experience.

 

After 10 months, he slowly begins to change and becomes distant, complaining about my every little thing, and being less attentive to me and towards the relationship. He begins to ask for "space", I start acting needy and clingy because I couldn't figure out the problem and as he pushed away, I tried to get closer.

 

In January, he finally breaks it off with me, tells me he doesn't love me and so on. I do all the things you shouldn't do like beg and plead, I basically LOOSE it. We meet a month later, and the outcome of this meeting is TERRIBLE. I walk away with my heart broken in pieces. I go NC and tried calling a few weeks later and nothing. He finally blocks me. I couldn't eat, sleep. My life become a hotter mess than it was. Two months later, I saw a picture of him and his new gf and that brought me to closure.I start slowly recovering. Im having my rebound relationship with this guy that took me on dates, texts me everyday but I have no interest in seeing him long term. I began dating other men, having casual sex and living my life. I still thought of him but was no longer devastated. I started accepting what happened. I even met this other guy I really liked and wanted to start a relationship with him. He seemed to be all over the place so that didn't work out.

 

Well in June, my ex whom I have blocked EVERYWHERE including email, follows me on instagram. I guess I forgot to block him there. He no longer had the picture of him and this girl. I simply ignore but then the following day he likes my picture. By then I know that he had tried to reach me somehow because he's now liking my picture for attention. Well I call him I go crazy telling him what does he want, what is his problem and basically I made a HUGE fuzz. He was upfront about me and told me that he has tried to contact me and that he loves me and that he made a huge mistake.

 

I love him dearly and I want us to be happy together. Here is the issue, he had a relationship shortly after us and I have ALOT of resentment and I don't know how to let go of that. Whatever happened with that girl, bothers me to hell and back. I don't care about him having sex with the girl, it's that he had a relationship with this girl. He met her family, she met his family, and he had a real relationship. He says she was simply a rebound and bad sex but I don't seem to piece that together based on his actions with her. I slept with a few guys but I didn't have an actual relationship. It was nothing more than just casual sex which I think it's different.

 

We've discussed some of the issues that drove us apart and they are certainly fixable. BUT HOW DO IT LET THAT IN BETWEEN TIME GO FOR GOOD?.I LOVE HIM AND HE HAS BEEN SINCERE. HE'S READY TO GIVE ME THE WORLD BUT NOW I FEEL LIKE IM THE ONE THAT IS MESSED UP IN THE HEART AND HEAD.

 

Some advice would be greatly appreciated.

[juniorrocha]

BUT HOW DO IT LET THAT IN BETWEEN TIME GO FOR GOOD?.I LOVE HIM AND HE HAS BEEN SINCERE. HE'S READY TO GIVE ME THE WORLD BUT NOW I FEEL LIKE IM THE ONE THAT IS MESSED UP IN THE HEART AND HEAD.

 

No need to yell.

 

Just kidding.

 

First, he wasn't with you. Period. He could do whatever he wanted. He was free to date anyone, go with her to the moon and back, marry her, buy her a diamond, anything. Just like you. People react to break ups in different ways. Just because you don't think it's right, doesn't means it's the same for him. Once again, he was free to do anything.

 

Second, rebound relationships often are important for one to realize what they've lost. If he didn't have that, maybe he wouldn't be chasing you now.

 

Third, don't give in so easily. If you do love him and you wish to get back together, do it slowly. Key word: SLOWLY. Don't jump right back into the relationship. Take your time to get to know him a little better before anything.

 

And if your heart and head are messed up, you need to clear that. Else you'll already enter the relationship being reluctant and that's already a bad new start. Either start fresh, or just let it go.

[Hatelove_1]

Hi Juniorrocha,

 

Thank you for your response. We have been taking it slow and things go good for the most part. We are going out on dates, Im not spending full weekends at his house or my place, since the end of June. The issue im having is letting go of the past. This is what's holding me back. Basically we are going into the 3rd month of this.

 

I continue to try but I haven't been able to "get over it". I keep digging on the past. He tells me to think about the future together, getting married and having a home together, but this is what I used to do and I ended up getting hurt. It's easy for him to get over what I did because I didn't initiate the breakup. I love him but im really struggling here.

[ksol9]

Communication and patience is key from both ends.

 

You are in a position that so many people wish to be in. It seems like you guys had an inevitable break. You both figured out what you truly want and that you truly love eachother. If he is doing right things in making effort to show that he truly loves you, keep telling yourself that this is how it had to happen. Everything really does happen for a reason. Maybe being in this relationship is what he needed to see what you mean to him. Talk about how you're feeling and he should be receptive and open minded. Take things slowly and just talk a lot.

 

I really liked reading your story. I know the time apart was tough and especially since he's been with someone else, but this is what will make you both stronger. Have faith!

[Hatelove_1]

Communication and patience is key from both ends.

 

You are in a position that so many people wish to be in. It seems like you guys had an inevitable break. You both figured out what you truly want and that you truly love eachother. If he is doing right things in making effort to show that he truly loves you, keep telling yourself that this is how it had to happen. Everything really does happen for a reason. Maybe being in this relationship is what he needed to see what you mean to him. Talk about how you're feeling and he should be receptive and open minded. Take things slowly and just talk a lot.

 

I really liked reading your story. I know the time apart was tough and especially since he's been with someone else, but this is what will make you both stronger. Have faith!

 

Hi ksol9,

 

Thank you so much for your inspiring words. Since his return, I have moments where I get really frustrated but I want to focus on how much stronger we will be. I hope to come back here and share my success story.

[ksol9]

Hi ksol9,

 

Thank you so much for your inspiring words. Since his return, I have moments where I get really frustrated but I want to focus on how much stronger we will be. I hope to come back here and share my success story.

 

 

Yes, please come back to share. I'm rooting for you!

[juniorrocha]

You are in a position that so many people wish to be in.

 

This!

 

I know you're hurt and yes, you're supposed to be, but if you do really love him, keep it going. You do need to get that out of your head though, else it will keep driving you crazy and eventually it will be a reason to argue.

 

I'm also here hoping you guys get to be successful. It's always happy to know a couple got back together and things are going great for them.

[Thatoneguy55]

I couldn't do it, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. It takes both parties, that I know. Good luck.

[Hatelove_1]

Oh man. This is something that I am finding to be so stressful. If this doesn't work out I WILL NEVER do this again.

 

Don't know how people can want second chances. There's so much to deal with. Easier to heal and move on than deal with baggage. I just hope this is worth it.

 

Just venting.

 

Thank you for everyone here and all the support. I hope you guys continue to post on this thread, specially those who have had the opportunity to work on a second chance.

 

Advice on how to keep moving forward is always helpful.

[Silver_star]

If you have that kind of inner peace and strength to completely let go of the past, and start fresh I applaud you because you must be some kind of meditation guru who only lives in the present moment (jokes), but I have tried it before with exes and it never works for me. It looks like it is not easy for you either.

 

 

What happens with me is I secretly resent him for the past way he treated me and the person I discovered him to be when the relationship was off...and it was enough to truly traumatize me and change the way I look at him.

 

 

You guys had a relationship and it failed. I think it is better to keep the past in the past.

 

 

Good luck! Do what's best for you.

[Hatelove_1]

Just wanted to post an update on this thread, because I found everyone's comments and advice very helpful.

 

I know that some people really wish to have a second chance but I also want to let people know that it involves so much emotional pain. Honestly it's better to just LET go. If you are one of those people who let go of things and never remember, great them it might be worth a try but if you are anything like me, I actually NEVER EVER EVER forget when anyone betrays or hurt me. This includes friends and family members. I forgive but I defenitely see people in a different light and never forget. I still remember people who did xyz when I was a child. I feel indifferent towards them but never have I forgotten what they have done to me.

 

I'm very loyal and I don't open my heart easily but when I do, i open it all up. Sadly when someone betrays me in such hurtful way, I permanently close the door to my heart.

 

Although I love him, because I really do, we parted ways amicably. Who knows maybe one day I do get over it and a second chance can be real but in the meantime I'm not capable of such thing.

 

It has definitely been one of the hardest desisions I've ever made because I love the guy, but so much damage was done that prevented me from being happy with him. I truly learned what it feels like to walk away from someone that you still love, but you just know they are not right for you.

 

I wouldn't say I'm at square 1 but I'm certainly starting my healing process again. Not devastated but sad.

 

Thanks for reading and if you are hoping or working for a second chance.

 

Good luck!

[layla21]

Just wanted to post an update on this thread, because I found everyone's comments and advice very helpful.

 

I know that some people really wish to have a second chance but I also want to let people know that it involves so much emotional pain. Honestly it's better to just LET go. If you are one of those people who let go of things and never remember, great them it might be worth a try but if you are anything like me, I actually NEVER EVER EVER forget when anyone betrays or hurt me. This includes friends and family members. I forgive but I defenitely see people in a different light and never forget. I still remember people who did xyz when I was a child. I feel indifferent towards them but never have I forgotten what they have done to me.

 

I'm very loyal and I don't open my heart easily but when I do, i open it all up. Sadly when someone betrays me in such hurtful way, I permanently close the door to my heart.

 

Although I love him, because I really do, we parted ways amicably. Who knows maybe one day I do get over it and a second chance can be real but in the meantime I'm not capable of such thing.

 

It has definitely been one of the hardest desisions I've ever made because I love the guy, but so much damage was done that prevented me from being happy with him. I truly learned what it feels like to walk away from someone that you still love, but you just know they are not right for you.

 

I wouldn't say I'm at square 1 but I'm certainly starting my healing process again. Not devastated but sad.

 

Thanks for reading and if you are hoping or working for a second chance.

 

Good luck!

 

Hi there,

 

Firstly, I am so sorry that things didnt work out.

 

I've been reading you story and it reminds me of myself in so many aspects. I am also someone who can forgive but not forget, once someone hurts or betrays me, there is no way I can change the current image of a person. Indifference sets in like in your case.

Even though my ex (dumper) has not contacted me, I am still thinking sometimes if I ever can be friends with him (he wishes it). I am currently moving on and feel alright but I am aware I should not waste a minute thinking about being friends with him. Yet, I cant help it. It is not exactly like your story but still similar.

 

However, you gave me a perspective to consider when the times comes (or maybe never which is okay I think).

 

But you know what? If it doesnt feel right, you def did the right thing. I admire your courage for ending it for good. I know it must hurt but you will get better. You tried and gave it your best, so there is nothing you can blame yourself for. It took a lot of courage to try and even more to listen to your guts and say no.

Take your time healing and always think that there will be someone at the end of the road you can feel so much more comfortable with!

 

Wish you all the best.

Edited February 3, 2017 by layla21

[Purepony]

Why did you take theraphy ?

[SevenCity]

Just wanted to post an update on this thread, because I found everyone's comments and advice very helpful.

 

I know that some people really wish to have a second chance but I also want to let people know that it involves so much emotional pain. Honestly it's better to just LET go. If you are one of those people who let go of things and never remember, great them it might be worth a try but if you are anything like me, I actually NEVER EVER EVER forget when anyone betrays or hurt me. This includes friends and family members. I forgive but I defenitely see people in a different light and never forget. I still remember people who did xyz when I was a child. I feel indifferent towards them but never have I forgotten what they have done to me.

 

I'm very loyal and I don't open my heart easily but when I do, i open it all up. Sadly when someone betrays me in such hurtful way, I permanently close the door to my heart.

 

Although I love him, because I really do, we parted ways amicably. Who knows maybe one day I do get over it and a second chance can be real but in the meantime I'm not capable of such thing.

 

It has definitely been one of the hardest desisions I've ever made because I love the guy, but so much damage was done that prevented me from being happy with him. I truly learned what it feels like to walk away from someone that you still love, but you just know they are not right for you.

 

I wouldn't say I'm at square 1 but I'm certainly starting my healing process again. Not devastated but sad.

 

Thanks for reading and if you are hoping or working for a second chance.

 

Good luck!

 

 

I think this happens a lot when the infrequent occurrence of a reconciliation happens. The damage caused by the dumper never goes away. They sullied the relationship in such a way by the split that the dumpee cannot let it go. It’s like the purity of the love was tainted.

 

I read a post here about a guy who went through the same and ended up dumping his ex after she came back for the same reasons.

 

The good thing about it is it gives the dumper all the power and finally gives them closure.

[Hatelove_1]

Why did you take theraphy ?

 

I am working on therapy sessions because the first time around it took me a while to understand what had happened. I don't have good coping mechanisms. Last but not least our relationship became toxic and like I said I have a really hard time coping.

[Hatelove_1]

I think this happens a lot when the infrequent occurrence of a reconciliation happens. The damage caused by the dumper never goes away. They sullied the relationship in such a way by the split that the dumpee cannot let it go. It’s like the purity of the love was tainted.

 

I read a post here about a guy who went through the same and ended up dumping his ex after she came back for the same reasons.

 

The good thing about it is it gives the dumper all the power and finally gives them closure.

 

Honestly I think that if things would have not ended so bad, we probably have had a fair second chance. I still love him but so much damage was done.

 

I remember laying in bed before we broke up the first time, even when things were bad I would think to myself "wow, I'm the luckiest girl in the world" and feeling at such peace and joy. The second time around I had a lot of anxiety and NEVER got that peaceful feeling. I didn't even care to feel like the luckiest girl in the world but at least at peace. Didn't happen. :-(

[Hatelove_1]

Hi there,

 

Firstly, I am so sorry that things didnt work out.

 

I've been reading you story and it reminds me of myself in so many aspects. I am also someone who can forgive but not forget, once someone hurts or betrays me, there is no way I can change the current image of a person. Indifference sets in like in your case.

Even though my ex (dumper) has not contacted me, I am still thinking sometimes if I ever can be friends with him (he wishes it). I am currently moving on and feel alright but I am aware I should not waste a minute thinking about being friends with him. Yet, I cant help it. It is not exactly like your story but still similar.

 

However, you gave me a perspective to consider when the times comes (or maybe never which is okay I think).

 

But you know what? If it doesnt feel right, you def did the right thing. I admire your courage for ending it for good. I know it must hurt but you will get better. You tried and gave it your best, so there is nothing you can blame yourself for. It took a lot of courage to try and even more to listen to your guts and say no.

Take your time healing and always think that there will be someone at the end of the road you can feel so much more comfortable with!

 

Wish you all the best.

 

It takes a lot to walk from someone you love but you know things aren't right ?

[juniorrocha]

I won't say it's sad, actually I think you should be happy you're walking away from that relationship. If you couldn't start fresh and forget about the past, then the relationship wouldn't work. You'll be fine and I'm sure when you least expect you'll meet someone nice.

 

Funny, though, how I replied to this thread a couple days before seeing my ex in a party and I remember, while responding you, how I wished I'd get another shot with her, although I thought just like you do now: "I love her, but I have to stay away". 2 days after seeing her, I asked her out, she said yes. Now we're back together for about 5 months and things are going better than ever. We'd been 4 months broken up and that party was the first time I saw her since the BU.

 

We both needed to let the past go in order to start fresh and being apart/NC surely helped that. I was hurt, she was hurt too, but we learned how to get past the issues and now everything is just wonderful.

 

Maybe in a while you can try again, maybe you won't even feel like trying again. Keep working on moving on; if it's meant to happen, it will happen.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'm like you OP. I can never open my heart again after someone has hurt me badly. I am so loyal to people I love that when that is betrayed, my perception of them is permanently altered. Whenever I tried giving someone that hurt me a second chance, I was filled with anxiety and inner turmoil about things just not feeling right and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would tell myself to forgive and forget but the peace I previously felt would never return. The only way to get the inner peace back was to leave that person, as much a that hurt.

[Hatelove_1]

I won't say it's sad, actually I think you should be happy you're walking away from that relationship. If you couldn't start fresh and forget about the past, then the relationship wouldn't work. You'll be fine and I'm sure when you least expect you'll meet someone nice.

 

Funny, though, how I replied to this thread a couple days before seeing my ex in a party and I remember, while responding you, how I wished I'd get another shot with her, although I thought just like you do now: "I love her, but I have to stay away". 2 days after seeing her, I asked her out, she said yes. Now we're back together for about 5 months and things are going better than ever. We'd been 4 months broken up and that party was the first time I saw her since the BU.

 

We both needed to let the past go in order to start fresh and being apart/NC surely helped that. I was hurt, she was hurt too, but we learned how to get past the issues and now everything is just wonderful.

 

Maybe in a while you can try again, maybe you won't even feel like trying again. Keep working on moving on; if it's meant to happen, it will happen.

 

Hi Junior i am so glad that you and your now girlfriend again were able to get past the pain and the hurt. I think that depending on how deep that hurt was it could be resolved. My pain ran and runs too deep. It will take YEARS for me to move on from all the pain and hurt.

 

I wish I was one of those people who can let go easily but I don't. Not just in relationships but just in general.

 

I've cut a few people from my heart. Not from my life but from my heart and I simply look and feel different for them.

 

Good luck and please come back and share your progress.

[Hatelove_1]

I'm like you OP. I can never open my heart again after someone has hurt me badly. I am so loyal to people I love that when that is betrayed, my perception of them is permanently altered. Whenever I tried giving someone that hurt me a second chance, I was filled with anxiety and inner turmoil about things just not feeling right and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would tell myself to forgive and forget but the peace I previously felt would never return. The only way to get the inner peace back was to leave that person, as much a that hurt.

 

ES these were my exact feelings. I have no other way to describe it but that peace was LONG gone and no way to get it back.

 

Crazy because I still miss him but I think that if we ever had a real shot, If we didn't already ruin that for life which we both most likely did, it would be YEARS down the line when we are completely different people. Only then I can see myself giving it a real shot but by then ill most likely be over and and hopefully meet someone else.