Ex of 8 years contacted me to meet - Kind of messy relationship

[vee123]

This long post here is a follow on from the below thread that I made in December 2015, as it's more than 60 day old, so I cannot post in there. But a alot of background information about my relationship is posted in the thread linked underneath this. Not sure if the title makes sense but my it's my gf of 8 years, currently my ex.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/562091-i-got-girls-number-work-while-break-gf-but-now-getting-back-gf

 

The link gives a lot of background and I writ the below thinking I was going to post it in that thread, I think reading that one first will help with what I'm writing about here. actually what I'll do is take some of the main points I made about my relationship and post them here.

 

December 2015 Post main points.

 

I'm 34 and my gf is 30. I'll give a quick brief overview. We have been together for 7 years. We've been having problems in general, not all the time but when we argue it leads to her implying that the relationship is over. During these sorts of periods my gf would be very disrespectful, using any below the belt comments she can use or focusing on any insecurities that she may think would hurt me. When my girlfriend is nice things are good but when she gets angry she goes to another extreme, of course I can do things to upset her but I don't agree with always feeling like we have broken up and say that we can argue. I know you don't judge people by there friends but all her friends are single, promiscuous and do class A drugs (she does when she parties with them, not as much as she used to as one of the main girls moved). I'm not into drugs. Anyway I'm getting off track.

 

I thought after our last row we were broken up (quite a regular feeling) and we didn't contact each other for a month, this time I said to myself that I'm going to try and move on, rather than being upset and feeling like my gf don't respect me or really want to be with me. I was still upset obviously but was thinking I don't want to continue like this, and I ain't getting any younger.

 

With my gf I'm not ready for marriage or kids with her, I feel that because of our arguments and constant breakups that trust levels need to be built back up before we reach that stage. When we have broken up in the past she has withheld items I have at her house, threatened to smash up my stuff and threaten to call the police if I try to collect my stuff when we had breakups. But now we are back together everything is good right now, but it usually is when we get back together and she has agreed that she won't breakup with me when we have a argument (she has agreed to that before though, so we shall see).

 

What do you know about your Gf during the month of NC? She may has slept with other guys. Did you ask her? Do you believe her?

 

If she did, why don't you give the new girl a chance and only if it fails, you can consider your ex option. That will put you both as a second choice of each other...

 

my gf claims that she didn't get up to anything during NC. But I think she would claim this anyway, long ago my gf used to claim she didn't dance with guys when she went out and would speak bad about girls who had bf's who did, well her friend stored some stuff at her house and I think on purpose left pictures on top of a box which contained more than one picture of my gf grinding on some guy and smiling/laughing. My gf not knowing I had seen them, when I asked if she ever grinds or dances with guys, easily and convincingly claimed she didn't, until I bought 1 picture up, she said it was just a quick pic, then I bought up the other and then she said, oh it was the first time I went out with a new girl and her other friends that did mdma and coke, she mentioned mdma after a while because I guess she couldn't hide it all, but I didn't find out about the coke until about a year ago because her friends didn't want to have to hide doing it in my presence when they were planning a night out. My gf about a year ago also made the same claims when I found she was on dating websites in her computer history, denied it until I provided evidence and then brushed it off.

 

 

July 2016 Post

 

I ended up staying with the ltr ex/gf. she had a falling out with some of those promiscuous girls doing drugs I didn't like her hanging out with, that helped a little too. We would still have the odd small fights/or cold shoulder now and then but nothing too major. In general there were a few things each of us were not happy about, she would complain that I haven't taken her on holiday (my excuse, could be considered a poor one, is that I've been in education since 2010 and working p/t and believe that she should contribute towards it, plus I never feel secure enough that we won't break up which encourages my reluctance to fully pay to go abroad) Another thing she complains about is me not moving in with her and paying half the bills, rent etc (my reason for this is, she has shown me many times how she behaves when we have arguments that she is willing to kick me out, withhold my items, threaten to smash them and to call the police if I attempt to get my things back on various occasions, if my life was in her hands I could be homeless lol she say's I have to give her a chance).

 

She had a brother stay at her house for around 2 months to help him out, they introduced parking controls on her road so I can't park outside her house (permit required). We came a bit more distant, when her brother left she wanted me back all the time but parking was not easy as there is one road you can park but the spaces are always taken so I would go home some times.

 

She got back speaking to her friends again. The friend booked a holiday for her to go to Greece with her (she's the main one who sleeps about let me call her Kat—not real name-- and does drugs every weekend, one of the holidays she went to last year she slept with x amount of guys and so did the other girl she went with, who slept with atleast 3 guys and got pregnant and didn't know who the father would be or what colour the baby was even going to be so had an abortion) I remember my gf lasy year also telling me when Kat went on holiday with one of male FWB she was phoning my gf saying there’s loads of buffs guys out here, it’s like they have been working out all year to get their bodies like this, etc. Anyway this holiday was apparently booked and paid for by Kat, but I think my gf will pay for food etc. I asked my gf where they were going, she would say “Greece” I ask wher she would say “I don’t know”. My gf put Kat on the phone one time and I asked where they were going and she told me a place, that I knew was a party location but I forgot the name afterwards. My gf would just say Greece.

 

My birthday is in June, she was mentioning her birthday which is a 2 months away at the time, she has forgotten my birthday in the past and sometimes I get depressed on my birthday as everybody forgets and I don’t like to have to make people remember or call friend out of the blue and ask them out. I said maybe we can go away a weekend around my birthday she didn’t like this idea (well I kind of had a bit of bad intention behind it, I say bit because I would like to go on holiday with her and the second reason was if we go on holiday together before she goes with her friend hopefully she have a good time with me and have less money to spend out there with Kat, as I’m thinking they’re going to buy drugs, excursions etc… Anyway she wasn’t happy with this and we had a little argument that day.

The week of my birthday which is 3-4 weeks before her holiday with Kat. She asked me to do something for her the day before and I was supposed to stay at her house as a worker was coming (I hadn’t been really staying at her house much since her brother was there and after he left) but when I did sometimes I couldn’t sleep and would go to work tired. I think we both couldn’t sleep and she was giving me the cold shoulder for some reason, so we both in bed can’t sleep and silent. After 1 hour or more I said if I can’t sleep I’m going to have to go home. She said angrily “go on then, GO GO! A few times, so I got up and left. I phoned her the next day and she hung up on me.

 

On my birthday I didn’t hear from her she sent me a card that had the message “have a good day” “from ‘her name’”. I felt very offended by this and said to myself if she doesn’t contact me before she goes on holiday I will have to cut her off and I can imagine what she may get up to. 3-4 weeks go by.. NC, think she went on holiday with Kat at some stage she blocked me on whatsapp as I used to see if she changed her pic(wondering about holiday). Anyway it’s now about 3 weeks since her holiday. I saw an old friend with another friend that I ain’t seen in a while, he don’t know the whole story about me and my gf but I told him the gist of it (never told him everything though) and he was like maybe you should speak to her. A day or so later I thought I’ll go to her house and just pop up and see her and ask her if she has slept with anybody or got sexual with anybody. I wanted to pop up by surprise when she wasn’t expecting me as if she has been sexual with somebody that’s really my CUT of point, with the surprise visit if she wanted to work things out I wanted to ask her about this and if she was speaking to any new guys, I didn’t want her to have an opportunity to delete her messages etc. anyway I knocked at her house and she wouldn’t open the door, I knocked a few times and called her phone when she wouldn’t answer. She was there as her light was on and window slightly open. I walked away and said to myself this is the end I should not have even came here, I will not contact again.

 

A week later she has messaged me saying she is hurt emotionally and psychologically and she wasn’t ready to face me when I went around there… and after the amount of time together she feels I need an explanation. I responded after a few hours and she said I’m assuming you came for a chat would you like to go for a drink tomorrow or Saturday. I said okay. Now, I want to know how is the best way to find out if she did anything sexual with somebody when she went on holiday. I know I’m probably stupid for trying to find out as she would probably lie anyway (and she’s a good liar) but maybe she will be truthful if she don’t want to be with me. It really hurts me to think of her being with somebody else as I really can’t tolerate that even if I wanted to be with her.

Edited July 29, 2016 by vee123

[SevenCity]

Holy crap dude. What you described is like the girlfriend from hell.

 

She probably did cheat and won't ever tell you. Look at what you posted - do you really want to be with a girl like this????

 

Stay with her and you will have nothing but heart ache and likely an STD.

[lolablue17]

I can never know the truth. If you are so determined to make an issue out of it, you can go and tell her you don't want her back because she already slept with others. Now. if she wants you to think otherwise, she must work hard to convince you. That way you have a 50% to find out without humiliating yourself.

 

But If you ask me, you are not ready for her yet. You will be ready to reunited with her only if you can accept that she had a life without you, with other guys, and you will be with other girls. Only when you don't care at all, this is the right timing to go back with her without resentment, starting a new relationship between you two, from scratch.