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Feels like "second chance deja vu" all over again


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The_Onceler

So, this isn't strictly about second chances so much as, um... relationship hangover?

 

I have been with my 'ex' for about 15 years. the first six years we spent dating on and off in a volatile relationship. We got accidentally pregnant about 9 years ago and resolved to TRY to stick together and be a family.

 

We had mixed success. Still, we decided to change jobs, move to a new city, and buy a big new house about 8 months ago. The implication was that we were in it for the long haul, despite our difficulties.

 

At the end of May she announced that she was leaving me. She had given up on our relationship, and had in fact started an online affair with an old flame.

 

However, she stipulated that she could/would not leave until she had found herself a job (she had been a SAHM for most of the last 8 years) and an apartment (I was buying her out of the house). So, for almost 8 weeks now we have remained together, behaving outwardly as if nothing was wrong, although each of our families are aware that we are splitting. We are waiting until she has a path forward before we tell the kids.

 

In that spirit, we decided to stick with our 'family' vacation plans for this summer. Part of that was a trip that we took with the kids this past weekend. It was so strange. We went with another couple that we are close with. In fact, the other couple were friends of my ex since she was in college. Coincidentally, her old flame is a college friend that they all have in common.

 

The other man wasn't there, but even so, I found myself feeling like a 3rd wheel. I was really upset the first day, but resolved to 'get over it' when I woke the next morning. Of course, as soon as I had made that resolution to myself, her phone lit up on the table next to me with a message from her new guy. I have known about him all along, so I should not have been surprised, but even so - it was very upsetting. At that moment I was carting stuff out to the car from the hotel, so I used that excuse to get out of the room. Luckily the parking lot was mostly deserted, so I had some time and space to compose myself. I was really caught off guard at how upset I became.

 

It took some effort, but I managed to shake it off. In part, that was because my ex took pains to tell me that the other guy was not 'her boyfriend', and then during the day showed signs of tentative reconciliation - being overly nice to me, trying to hold my hand, etc.

 

The conciliatory tone continued until we were home again Sunday night. However, sometime in the wee hours last night, I half-unconsciously moved across the bed to cuddle up a bit with her. It was immediately clear that it was an unwelcome advance.

 

This sort of thing has happened repeatedly, and I find that I keep reliving the 'break up' over and over. Also, it occurred to me, "Why am I trying to cuddle up and such?" I mean, do I *really* want to try to reconcile at this point? She announced that she wants to leave, I was forced to come up with the cash to buy her out of the house (which I had JUST bought!), she is carrying on with this other guy, and she shows no indication of changing her plans. It seems the problem is that I misconstrue her actions as attempts at reconciliation, when she is just "playing nice"

 

Or is she? And even if she wanted to reconcile - should I? I don't want to needless disrupt the lives of my children, but at this point, is a reconciliation possible, or is it just delaying the inevitable? Oy, I have no idea what I am doing any more...

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heartfeltlove

She sounds as if she has you neatly tied to her yo-yo. If I were in your shoes, given that you are so confused as to where you stand, I would decide for myself where I stand, and have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with her, but put all my effort into my children, their happiness and their welfare. She doesn't matter any more. If she is flirting with someone else and accepting their calls and texts - with you around and aware - then she is not into reconciling, but seems intent on getting what she can out of you, when she can, as it suits her. Stop wondering what her game is, and set the rules of your own game firmly in place.

I lived for months in a fog with my H, wondering how to tread according to how he swung things. It eventually dawned on me that my putting one foot in front of the other one, was down to me, not him.

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You are having normal thoughs of loss. To answer your question, you don't ever want to get back with an ex who fell for someone else. She did it once, she'll do it again.

 

Forget the fake family. Get her out as soon as possible and stop pretending you are a couple. You need to know nothing about her because it will just cause you pain.

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The_Onceler
You are having normal thoughs of loss. To answer your question, you don't ever want to get back with an ex who fell for someone else. She did it once, she'll do it again.

 

Forget the fake family. Get her out as soon as possible and stop pretending you are a couple. You need to know nothing about her because it will just cause you pain.

 

Yes, yes, yes.

 

I want this in between to end - I don't want to keep dealing with the doubts, second guessing, etc. But SHE WON'T LEAVE. And I can't force her to. I suppose I could leave, but, well, I guess I haven't thought about what that would look like...

 

I mean, I believe her when she says that she intends to leave, but until she finds a job that meets her requirements, she won't go. I have bought her out of the house, but the paperwork is still in process, so even if I wanted to play hard ball, I don't yet have the ability to have her removed.

 

And I don't WANT to make trouble. I would be tickled pink if she found a great job and apartment tomorrow. It pains me to think that she has moved on from me so easily, and to let go of the parts of her that I still have feelings for, but it is especially painful to have to live under the same roof and be witness to her new courtship.

 

Ugh.

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heartfeltlove

so, you have bought her out, and she no longer has her name on the deeds?

You could charge her rent, to cover expenses... she obviously has no qualms about sticking around and disrupting your life, but you're bending over backwards to not disrupt hers? I've heard of 'anything for the quiet life' but this is ludicrous... I understand that you are unwilling to show some muscle, but honestly, the more you allow her to kick you in the teeth, the more she will.

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The_Onceler
so, you have bought her out, and she no longer has her name on the deeds?

You could charge her rent, to cover expenses... she obviously has no qualms about sticking around and disrupting your life, but you're bending over backwards to not disrupt hers? I've heard of 'anything for the quiet life' but this is ludicrous... I understand that you are unwilling to show some muscle, but honestly, the more you allow her to kick you in the teeth, the more she will.

 

We went around a bit on the 'rent' question, but she responded that she was basically home taking care of the kids, while I was at work. That, and she is working part time now, with all of her earnings going toward expenses, so I am OK on the financial front.

 

But, yeah, I don't like the situation as it is. However, even if I *could* legally force her out (the deed is with the state registry, but has not yet made it back to our town register), what would that do to the kids?

 

I don't want to be a door mat, but I also don't want to put my kids through additional turmoil if I can help it. She cannot rent a place until she can show proof of income, and she can't show that yet because she was a SAHM and now only works part time. She is looking for a full time gig, and has another interview (a second interview, actually) tomorrow.

 

So, I could force the issue, and then what? She would go live with her family? Or on a friend's couch? She wouldn't do that without putting up a fight, and by that I mean dragging our kids into it. She has said as much - "If you force me out, I am taking the kids with me!"

 

I don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water, y'know?

 

But this past weekend was a mistake. I thought it might work, but in hindsight, perhaps not. We had a camping trip planned with the kids for the end of the summer. I think now I will let her take the kids in my absence (we are going with another couple who are long time friends of hers), and after their brief camping trip, I will take them somewhere else and leave their mother out of it.

 

Separate vacations are inevitable now, so I don't see any reason to wait, especially given how taxing it was on me to try to play nice under those conditions.

 

Still, I can't help feel like I will be making my kids pay the price for my inability to just 'suck it up' and still be a good dad to them.

 

This just sucks.

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heartfeltlove

Kids do not pay the price if you both act reasonably and put them first, putting aside your own convoluted and messy emotional knotty problems. Your children deserve 100% of you, and they deserve 100% of their mother. You cannot control her behaviour and input, you can only control yours. Do not bad-mouth her to them, and I'm not suggesting you ever do, but make sure they see you respect her and being polite about her. I'm not suggesting you praise her to the skies or play the fawning puppy. Just when she comes up in conversation, treat her with polite, but distant, respect. But always, always put their interest and emotions first. That way, your children will suffer a lot less than you fear.

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It is a tough situation to be in. Kids are innocent. And she is the mother of your kids.

 

If you were to ask her to leave, do it discreetly and not in front of your kids. Find a time to explain to them what is the home planning for the future. So when the mum goes away they will not be in shock.

 

Since your ex chose the new guy over you, then she should not be taking advantage of you anymore.

You need to tell her to show some respect to you, if she wants to stay in the house. Split the gas bills etc, you know what i mean?

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The_Onceler

Here is an update: last Friday while at work, she texted me to say, "Do you want to take advantage of our free night and go out for dinner, a movie?" Our girls were spending the weekend with their maternal grandmother, so she and I were on our own for the weekend. Still, I had assumed that she would take advantage of the weekend to go visit with the other man. So, I was somewhat surprised at her suggestion. My initial instinct was to flatly decline. However, I wondered if she had some specific reason to want to spend time together, and even if I shouldn't, I had a teeny tiny spark of hope that perhaps she might be thinking reconciliation.

 

So, we went to dinner, and had a fine time. We didn't talk about anything significant, however, and afterward we just returned home where she went and sat in her chair in front of the TV to watch one of her multitude of recorded shows. I sat nearby on the couch for a bit, but then just headed up to bed to read and sleep.

 

I had an all day volunteer event on Saturday, so I was up and gone long before she even woke. She texted me at some point in the morning to let me know that she would be shopping at the mall, and then meeting up with some girlfriends for dinner and a night out. I suspect that her trip to the mall was in fact a trip to see her new guy, but in the end, I guess it doesn't really matter.

 

I was outside all day on Saturday, and I had forgotten the sublock, which she was nice enough to bring to me. Ironically, her nice gesture was the lynch pin that destroyed my mood. I was volunteering, along with lots of other folks, and as such was surrounded by more than a few husband/wife teams. Folks who seemed to be happily working side by side, some even with kids in tow. Then along come my ex - looking really beautiful in her little summer dress - to bring me my sunblock.

 

Then, just as quickly, she was off and on to her day's activities. I would not see her again until Sunday morning. I was left feeling really sad and empty. It looked like my beautiful and caring partner had stopped by, and it was nice of her to do so, but the reality is that she is already enmeshed with another guy. I am her ex. I am no longer her confidant, lover, companion.

 

It really upset me.

 

Through the course of the day I worked to understand and control my feelings. We wrapped up our event in the evening, and I returned to my empty home. I was REALLY bummed then. Sitting alone in our big new house. Well, in my big new house. Mine for now, at least.

 

I was too exhausted to consider going out, and in our new town, I wouldn't know where to go, even if I had the energy. Instead, I worked on dinner, did some laundry, watched my last TdF recording, and then went to bed. But during that evening, I resolved to enforce the 180 to the extent that I can (given that she still insists on living with me and sharing my bed - no, there is no hanky panky).

 

We had made plans long ago to take the kids camping. That will happen this month. She wanted us to just go on the trip, as if nothing was wrong, for the sake of the kids. On Sunday I told her that she could take the kids camping for the first half of the week, and then I would do something else with them the second half of the week.

 

Well, she balked at that. She REALLY didn't want to handle things that way. She insisted, and still insists, that it is in the best interest of the kids that we continue with 'family' stuff as if nothing has changed.

 

I pointed out that she is likely to get this latest job, and if she does, then she will be most likely moving out at the end of August. So, by then, the kids will know that we are splitting. I figure, once we tell them about the impending split, if we then continue to do stuff as a family, it will confuse them and prey on their hopes of a reconciliation (I know it does that to me now, and I know I felt that when I was a child of divorced parents).

 

Well, she REALLY didn't like any of that. First, it was clear that she had no intention of leaving my house any time soon. Moving out in Sept was clearly a non-starter in her mind, and even October seemed unlikely. Also, she clearly expected that we would continue to do stuff together, all four of us, as a family.

 

Now, I am not saying that I intend to bad mouth their mother, or to keep either she or I away from the kids. But I think some distance and separation is in order, no? For instance, we have traditionally taken the kids out for breakfast on their birthday. I am sure my girls are already looking forward to doing the same this year. But their birthdays are in the Fall, and I assume that we will have announced the split by then.

 

So, what do we do? Do their mother and I tell them that we are splitting up, only to then take them out for breakfast like one big happy family? Or does she take them out without me, and I take them out without their mom?

 

Anyway, I told her quite clearly that we are broken up, or more accurately, she had broken us up. She had announced her intent to leave, and had started her online affair, and had pressed me on buying her out of the house. we were clearly broken up, and she was clearly moving on. She is my ex, and although we are stuck under the same roof, I need to start treating her like my ex and I need to start moving on too. She expected that she and I would still have cause to spend time together, and I let her know that once she was out and living in her own place, I intended to see as little of her as possible. I don't intend to be mean, but if it hurts me to be around her, then why must I do so?

 

Well, she REALLY didn't like any of that. But it seems reasonable to me. Isn't it?

 

Thanks, everyone, for your comments. I appreciate the insights.

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heartfeltlove

Good. It's about time you started showing some character. She has believed she can call the shots, end this marriage, but have things transition smoothly according to her timetable, desire and own sweet time. It's high time you started telling her what you want.

But for goodness' sake, stick to plan. If she won't play the game, but insists on her own plan of action, refuse to cooperate with her intentions. And tell her that both she and you have to sit together with the children, and tell them, together, that your marriage is ending. Or else, you will tell them yourself.

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