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Second Chance at love - it can happen, but you need NC !


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blueflubber

Disclaimer: I am writing about my experience here not to give anyone false hope about second chances, but simple to share my experience. That's it.

 

Like most members here who come to LS to mope and read about relationship advice, I thought my case was lost. I was dating C for about 8 months when she broke up with me (long story short: it was a very unbalanced relationship from the start - read "The Love Trap" by Dean Delis to get more insight, highly recommended, so C had no choice but to end things. We were going down a spiral...). We had a great relationship other than the imbalance - we had such mad chemistry, we both love the great outdoors and have the same interests, we clearly loved each other.

 

When she ended things with me I was devastated. I could not sleep or eat. I was in pieces. I came to LS to look for advice. I went NC immediately, removing her from all social media and all What'sApp group chats, basically going cold turkey. Was it hard? It was worse than hard. I thought someone was holding a hot iron rod and turning it in my heart bit by bit.

 

I did the textbook methods of mending a broken heart. I took up new hobbies: I signed up to get my motorcycle license, started running even more than usual, got a new wardrobe, went on small trips, made new friends, and even started to date a hot French girl. I got better day by day but I still missed C. Sticking to NC was hard, but I knew it was essential.

 

One of my friends told me that C and I can get back together only "when the stars are aligned". I'd like to think that the stars were aligned when we did get back, but actually the stars were aligned partly because I made the first move. I know, I know, dumpees are not supposed to make the first move but I also know C - she isn't the kind of person who would ever reach out.

 

After about 1.5 months I was in a much better headspace so I reached out to her with a innocuous text (actually it was just a weblink to an interesting article which we have discussed way in the past), and from there there was a bit of flirtatious banter. I played it cool - not replying immediately, and then she asked me out. We went for drinks, I kept it casual, but nothing happened. Honestly at that point I thought we were just going to be friends, which was fine with me because we had a great friendship before we got together, and it would have sucked if I lost the friendship too. The next time we met we were in a group and it was in a networking event, and the hot French girl happened to be there. I definitely did not intend to make her jealous but naturally when she saw the French girl flirting with me I could tell she was upset.

 

A few days later she texted me to say we had to talk, and when we did meet, she said we cannot be friends (a classic case of the dumper not getting over the dumpee, and the dumpee already moving on!). I was in a position of strength, I felt good, I looked good, and I knew I could walk away. C declared that she still loved me, and never stopped loving me. At that moment I thought it was like a fairy-tale come true, but still I played it cool. We met a few days later, and again she said we cannot hang out because she still had feelings for me. I then leaned in and kissed her - and the rest is history.

 

So the main takeaway is this: No Contact is very important - I can't emphasize how important it is! NC helps YOU get into a better headspace. It gives you time to focus on yourself, to grow, to learn new things, to reflect. If I hadn't had NC I wouldn't be where I was when C and I met. I had the time to learn from my mistakes, to think about what went wrong in the relationship. When we got back together again, we talked about our past relationship issues and worked it out. We are very different people but we are committed to making things work.

 

NC is all about you, and not your ex. The side effect is that it *may* make your ex miss you, but if your ex doesn't miss you, then it wasn't meant to be.

 

I have read so much on LS, and every story, every experience helped me. I cannot thank you guys enough, and that is why I decided to come back here to share my story.

 

You will get through the dark times, I promise! Hang in there. :D

Edited by blueflubber
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soulmate777

That is so touching, well you did give me hope but in a good way, that you was stable in a month and half, I wanna reach that stage where I can be my self, and can live without her, I wanna lose the addiction, cuz the love wont just fade away as I been in love before, but my ex was the strongest love, I am kind of having the soulmate syndrom in my head now, sometimes I think she can feel me, going crazy here and scared of life without her, and scared that something will happen to her and I wont be there.

 

Anyway I need to get stronger for her and for my self, maybe in a month she will notice, if she don't get taken by someone better, but no one will ever love her or treat her the way I did, and I know this, because I never begged, never paid a fortune on someone, never engaged and wanted to marry in my life, but her, never accepted commitment and responsibility, I was never so romantic and caring, I would literely be there and take care of her, take her to hospital, even carry her, it was just too strong, we even worked together at same jobs.

 

Regards

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she isn't the kind of person who would ever reach out.

 

How's that? Can you give some typical behaviors that clearly make you believe she wouldn't reach out? Was it out of ego or just shyness or temperance?

 

Did she acknowledge that she wouldn't reach out if you didn't do it?

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blueflubber

@gaig - I would say it is a mix of her temperance and ego. She just isn't the kind of person who would make the first move. In fact, in all her previous relationships she never, ever made the first move.

 

I asked her about two weeks ago if she would have reached out if I didn't send her the text. She said no.. she would never have done so. I was not surprised with her answer, but it also made me a little contemplative - if I hadn't sent her that text, would we still end up where we are? We do have plenty of mutual friends and it is inevitable that we will see each other in social settings (we also work in the same building but different firms), but it still makes me wonder!

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@gaig - I would say it is a mix of her temperance and ego. She just isn't the kind of person who would make the first move. In fact, in all her previous relationships she never, ever made the first move.

 

I asked her about two weeks ago if she would have reached out if I didn't send her the text. She said no.. she would never have done so. I was not surprised with her answer, but it also made me a little contemplative - if I hadn't sent her that text, would we still end up where we are? We do have plenty of mutual friends and it is inevitable that we will see each other in social settings (we also work in the same building but different firms), but it still makes me wonder!

 

I know.. that sucks. When I talked with my ex (during the break up, but at a moment that she was very vulnerable and open to me) I asked her what she would have done if I drifted away while we were in LDR. Wouldn't she fight for me the way I was at that moment?

 

She said no, she would let me go. Even if she was imagining and talking about having a family (and specifically twins together), house and other dreams together on weekly basis, she would let me go. The reasoning: "If you don't want to be with me, why can I do?"

 

I mean, out of being very emotional on a constant basis, that was the only occasion she would pick to be reasonable?? WTF?

 

So, it also makes me wonder and I agree with you. What would happen in the future, in a similar situation? Would we have to do all the labor again? Or, don't we deserve someone more brave so we can sleep better at night?

It does make you wonder.. (not that I have heard from her again :D )

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  • 2 weeks later...

Congrats !

 

I too read the "passion trap". My question is what have you done to balance out the one up and one down in your connection ? What will you do to keep the connection equal as time progresses ? Did you talk about this with her ?

 

Just something to think about

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