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She wants me back.


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Hi all, I'm a 40 year old man who fell very hard for a woman in her early 30s. Unfortunately, she was already seeing someone at the time (it was a bad relationship though and she had feelings for me too). It was too messy for both of us though and I told her I was done and went total NC on her. Some weeks later, she e-mailed me saying that she was done with her toxic boyfriend and wanted a relationship with me, apologising for everything she put me through. She sounds really sincere and I care very deeply about her still, but I have healed since then. I don't know what to do. Please help, I am so torn.

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PegNosePete

Well, what do you want to do?

 

Now that she is out of her relationship she is presumably free to pursue one with you, if you wish.

 

Just remember that she had no problems seeing another guy (you) before ending her last relationship. That says something about her moral values, and history often has a way of repeating itself. Proceed with caution.

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Well, what do you want to do?

 

Now that she is out of her relationship she is presumably free to pursue one with you, if you wish.

 

Just remember that she had no problems seeing another guy (you) before ending her last relationship. That says something about her moral values, and history often has a way of repeating itself. Proceed with caution.

 

 

Yes, you're quite right, it is sort of what is holding me back.

 

I don't know if it makes any difference, but she was at the tail end of the relationship, and they had broken up twice already. She is not a woman who opens up to her feelings easily though, so the fact that she wrote me that e-mail feels significant somehow.

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PegNosePete
I don't know if it makes any difference, but she was at the tail end of the relationship

Would you be happy if she were seeing other guys while your relationship was "at the tail end"?

 

For me that would indicate a character flaw and a poor way of handling relationships and treating people. A person with good morals would end one relationship before starting another. If I were to get involved with someone like that then I'd first need to know they had learned from their experience and changed.

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Would you be happy if she were seeing other guys while your relationship was "at the tail end"?

 

.

 

 

That's a very valid point. She did explain and apologise but then again, those are just words. I suppose I should wait for her to demonstrate that she has changed, but I'm not sure how.

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Hi all, I'm a 40 year old man who fell very hard for a woman in her early 30s. Unfortunately, she was already seeing someone at the time (it was a bad relationship though and she had feelings for me too). It was too messy for both of us though and I told her I was done and went total NC on her. Some weeks later, she e-mailed me saying that she was done with her toxic boyfriend and wanted a relationship with me, apologising for everything she put me through. She sounds really sincere and I care very deeply about her still, but I have healed since then. I don't know what to do. Please help, I am so torn.

 

I'm not sure I buy this. If you healed then you wouldn't be so torn.

 

Healing to me is not only getting over the hurt, it's getting to a point where you are apathetic to the person and see them as you would any other stranger in the street and you would have no desire to get back together.

 

I agree with others that her seeing you whilst in another RL is not a good sign. However, it does not necessarily mean she's a bad person. Was she sleeping with him at the same time as you? I've had strong feelings for other women at the "tail end" of an RL and never cheated on them once we got together but that's me. It would be great if everything in RLs was black / white cut and dry but often it is not.

 

As far as getting back, are you prepared to be hurt again? Possibly worse? Is it worth the risk? Are your only reasons for getting back due to loneliness or are there other qualities she has that makes you want HER?

 

Take all the advice you can, but the decision has to be yours and yours alone. If you do decide to go back, please proceed with caution. Perhaps let her prove to you she is serious before giving in. And for heaven's sake keep us updated!!!! :laugh:

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Yes, you're quite right, it is sort of what is holding me back.

 

I don't know if it makes any difference, but she was at the tail end of the relationship, and they had broken up twice already. She is not a woman who opens up to her feelings easily though, so the fact that she wrote me that e-mail feels significant somehow.

 

Second break-up. Be careful because these toxic relationships have a tendency to carry on into multiple break-ups. She was with you while with him. There's the potential for her to go back to him for a few more rounds. Is she truly done with him? What's changed in a few weeks that she's now ready, as in emotionally healthy and available to be with you?

 

She hasn't even healed from this relationship and seeing that it was toxic, there are wounds and having stayed in a situation like hers is an indication of her own mental/emotional dysfunction.

 

If I were you, I'd let her go. She needs to heal on her own without potentially using you as a filler for a void she's feeling. Maybe in time you can revisit this but not now.

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I think you have a problem here.

 

If you say yes, you will have to be very cautious, to find out how serious is she, and how much she really wants you, all this before you invest your whole focus on her. So, this will lead to a non spontaneous relationship, in which every one of you stays out of water, waiting the other one to jump in first.

 

This is not a very good start. Matching depends sometime on timing, and it seems to me that she missed her timing with you.

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I'm not sure I buy this. If you healed then you wouldn't be so torn.

 

Healing to me is not only getting over the hurt, it's getting to a point where you are apathetic to the person and see them as you would any other stranger in the street and you would have no desire to get back together.

 

I agree with others that her seeing you whilst in another RL is not a good sign. However, it does not necessarily mean she's a bad person. Was she sleeping with him at the same time as you? I've had strong feelings for other women at the "tail end" of an RL and never cheated on them once we got together but that's me. It would be great if everything in RLs was black / white cut and dry but often it is not.

 

As far as getting back, are you prepared to be hurt again? Possibly worse? Is it worth the risk? Are your only reasons for getting back due to loneliness or are there other qualities she has that makes you want HER?

 

Take all the advice you can, but the decision has to be yours and yours alone. If you do decide to go back, please proceed with caution. Perhaps let her prove to you she is serious before giving in. And for heaven's sake keep us updated!!!! :laugh:

 

 

Hi SevenCity, I hear ya! But we never slept together and she was not sleeping with her ex either, which was one of the problems that they had. I dont think she is a bad person, I think she was in a bad situation but we both had very real feelings for each other - I think there was something there.

 

You are right though, I have obviously not healed as much as I thought I had. Sigh.

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If I were you, I'd let her go. She needs to heal on her own without potentially using you as a filler for a void she's feeling. Maybe in time you can revisit this but not now.

 

I miss her very much now with all this talk about her, but I am leaning more and more towards this. :(

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This is not a very good start. Matching depends sometime on timing, and it seems to me that she missed her timing with you.

 

Lol, the timing could not have been worse!

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Hi SevenCity, I hear ya! But we never slept together and she was not sleeping with her ex either, which was one of the problems that they had. I dont think she is a bad person, I think she was in a bad situation but we both had very real feelings for each other - I think there was something there.

 

You are right though, I have obviously not healed as much as I thought I had. Sigh.

 

If you never slept with her and feel this way, you are in for a world of hurt once you do if it eventually ends.

 

That is a risk we all take though. In retrospect, I'm not sure it's worth it in the end.

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Wow, this is uncanny. Your post reads like something my ex might have posted. I agree with most of the posters, be sure she is worth it or you will be miserable.

 

But since I was on the other side of this situation, I would say that sometimes situations are crappy and people mess up, but sometimes it is worth it in the end. I know I would give my right arm for my ex to take me back, but he doesn't want to go there any more, so.

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Wow, this is uncanny. Your post reads like something my ex might have posted. I agree with most of the posters, be sure she is worth it or you will be miserable.

 

But since I was on the other side of this situation, I would say that sometimes situations are crappy and people mess up, but sometimes it is worth it in the end. I know I would give my right arm for my ex to take me back, but he doesn't want to go there any more, so.

 

Oh wow, your post certainly complicates things. I hope things work out for you.

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PegNosePete
we never slept together and she was not sleeping with her ex either, which was one of the problems that they had.

So let's take stock. While she was still with her boyfriend, she:

  • discussed her sex life and relationship problems with another man (you)
  • emotionally cheated on her boyfriend (with you)
  • planned to get into a relationship with another man (you)
  • hid all this interaction from her boyfriend
  • sneaked around behind her boyfriend's back, meeting up with another guy (you)
  • (presumably) had no problems lying convincingly to her boyfriend about all of this

And you think she is good relationship material..?

 

I dont think she is a bad person, I think she was in a bad situation

Whether someone is a "bad person" or not is immaterial. What is a "bad person" anyway? Bad people do good things all the time, and good people do bad things too. A serial murderer might help his elderly neighbour across the road, does that make him a good person? A volunteer fundraiser might punch someone in anger, does that make them a bad person? No.. there is no such thing as good person or bad person... there are just people, and all people do a mixture of good things and bad things in their lives.

 

She handled the situation poorly. She chose to begin her next relationship before ending her current one. She chose to cheat (emotionally) on her boyfriend. That was not a bad situation that was forced upon her. It was a choice she made.

 

Will she do the same to you? Only time will tell I guess. But as they say in investment banking, the best way to predict future behaviour is to look at past behaviour.

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So let's take stock. While she was still with her boyfriend, she:

  • discussed her sex life and relationship problems with another man (you)
  • emotionally cheated on her boyfriend (with you)
  • planned to get into a relationship with another man (you)
  • hid all this interaction from her boyfriend
  • sneaked around behind her boyfriend's back, meeting up with another guy (you)
  • (presumably) had no problems lying convincingly to her boyfriend about all of this

And you think she is good relationship material..?

 

 

Whether someone is a "bad person" or not is immaterial. What is a "bad person" anyway? Bad people do good things all the time, and good people do bad things too. A serial murderer might help his elderly neighbour across the road, does that make him a good person? A volunteer fundraiser might punch someone in anger, does that make them a bad person? No.. there is no such thing as good person or bad person... there are just people, and all people do a mixture of good things and bad things in their lives.

 

She handled the situation poorly. She chose to begin her next relationship before ending her current one. She chose to cheat (emotionally) on her boyfriend. That was not a bad situation that was forced upon her. It was a choice she made.

 

Will she do the same to you? Only time will tell I guess. But as they say in investment banking, the best way to predict future behaviour is to look at past behaviour.

 

 

 

 

Well, isn't that the cold, hard dose of reality that I needed! Yep, I have more or less decided not to dive back into this.

The reality is of course, more complicated than this (she did tell her boyfriend about me, she asked for time and space to deal with her boyfriend issues etc, but I had had enough, so I just walked completely out), but isnt it always?

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She cheated on her boyfriend with you. What makes you think she won't do the same with you down the road?

 

Have you stopped to consider the reason she had a bad relationship with him was because she was pobably running around on him with you and other guys? She sounds like a manipulative flake.

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bubbaganoosh

If she broke up with her BF and wants to start seeing you that quick, then bet the house she's not ready to take on another relationship at this time. Not enough time to get it out of their system.

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Basically you need a list of pros and con's.

Do you KNOW her or is it lust?

Also...she needs time to heal. I wouldn't jump right into bed or into an all encompassing relationship.

I'd start slooowww and become good friends... Take time.

Id give a window first to make sure you aren't a rebound.

I'd ask yourself if she's a KEEPER.

ONLY date people you see real lasting potential with.

Really think this through and be honest with her of your concerns and needs. TALK. dont hold back.

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