After I broke up my GF I want to get back together, what do You think?

[PhoenixSP]

I m writing here because I am hoping to get some insight on what I should and also should not do.

My story is this, about 5 months ago me and my GF split up after about 4 yrs spent together. I was the one who made the decision, what led to the decision was constant arguing and fighting with my GF, finally I felt just empty and I think she did also.

I think much of our problems came from 6 years of age difference. I loved her then and love her now but I felt like something had to change. First she tried to meet up and of course I met, because I cared about her feelings and tried to relieve the pain.

I did not regret my decision because it was how I felt at that moment what I regret was that immediatelly after that she asked if I saw us together in the future, as I knew that one of her female friends was in a similar position and waited like a year his BF and to me it seemed cruel to that person, I told her that I did not see us together but it was done basically with the same emotion that I broke up with her. Crazy thing about it is during all of this I still loved her but I was tired and empty at the moment to be in a relationship. In my mind I have never left her. We still talked occasionally, friendslike but we did not talk that much anymore. I wanted to meet her after 2 months already but she had a busy schedule so we did not. Now in 3 months back she told me she did tinder finally, thats when our talking went friendslike to coldlike. When I finally told her after 4 months that I really wanted to see her, she told me she is not emotionally ready yet and asked why I wanted to meet her so I told that I wanted to discuss “US” again. She then told me that she thinks it is not a good idea to put salt on the wounds again which is true and also that I am her past now and she has moved on and found people who make her feel positive, I told her that I was happy for her even if “You are the past” made me feel hurt. Several days later I called her, talking atmosphere was very cold on her side and later in facebook we got into argument and she told that I still hurt her and she does not want to get hurt anymore that she could talk to me in the future but not now. So few days later I asked her help to get over her and she turned off the facebookchat completely – that was were we usually talked. I asked her because I helped her to get over me.To me I am the kind of person who does not understand about the NC rule, being a robot and cut someone You were once best friends does not seem like a good idea but she is doing it now. After that I have wrote a few email letters to her trying to explain why I want to meet her and why we broke up to my understanding. I also wrote that I am beginning to heal and also meeting new people and do not think the reunion anymore and that I just wanted us to talk again. I explain why I want to meet her also, to me it is enough even if I saw her eyes so I can see that it is over. I feel like I basically need that to move on completely. Just in case I will overmention that I truely love her and I think she still has after this time pretty strong feelings for me also.

She has blocked me for almost a month now.

Questions:

Is there anything at all I could do then wait in this situation? And what I definately should not do?

I thank all of You who respond. Specially I would like to have an opinion who has done this kind of reunion.

[Zahara]

You need to evaluate your reasons for wanting her back because for all the reasons you felt were legitimate enough to end the relationship -- 4 months hasn't changed things very much. Are you coming from a place of loneliness? Is it your ego kicking in now that she's moving on? Are you still tired and empty or are you confused by temporary relief you've felt from being away from each other -- making you forget the reality of your relationship with her?

 

You told her you did not see a future but then 2 months later you believe there is -- I can understand how she feels because it's volatile. She cannot trust you. I'd be concerned about your motives, whether genuine or not.

 

You don't ask an ex partner to help them forget about you. It makes no sense. If anything it's manipulative. You're trying to provoke a response from her.

 

NC isn't a rule. It's a tool to help you heal and move on. People often avoid NC due to their inability to accept and let go. Yes, partners become best friends, but once a relationship ends, dynamics change and you have to do whatever you need to do to self-preserve. You're not cutting them off - but you're creating a healthy boundary to help you recover.

 

Leave her alone. Let her move on and you should too. There was a reason why you ended and didn't see a future with her. And even if you love her and think you made a mistake, and she has chosen to move on, respect her decision to do so just as she did when you chose to let her go.

[PhoenixSP]

Thanks for the resopnse. I agree with You on almost everything. I have tought this through, that is why it took so much time, it was 3 months when I realized that I still want to be with her but nevertheless I wanted to rule out the loneliness, the ego and I think I thats not it. I am confident of my decision of getting back together that much I am sure. I also totally understand the trust issue. To ask an expartner makes a little bit sense, I did it for her but I think my motives where more to provoke her yes. As I said the seeing no future was the thing I regret because she asked me that too soon. If You get in stadium where You broke up of course it will not change that fast. Just to be exact I told her I did not see a future with her right now, just in case I will edit this in the main story also, thanks again.

[Zahara]

Thanks for the resopnse. I agree with You on almost everything. I have tought this through, that is why it took so much time, it was 3 months when I realized that I still want to be with her but nevertheless I wanted to rule out the loneliness, the ego and I think I thats not it. I am confident of my decision of getting back together that much I am sure. I also totally understand the trust issue. To ask an expartner makes a little bit sense, I did it for her but I think my motives where more to provoke her yes. As I said the seeing no future was the thing I regret because she asked me that too soon. If You get in stadium where You broke up of course it will not change that fast. Just to be exact I told her I did not see a future with her right now, just in case I will edit this in the main story also, thanks again.

 

It's been said here many times that when an ex says that there is no future right now, it's often to keep a door open to the dumpee while the dumper goes out there and figures things out and when said dumper realizes it ain't so great, it gives him the perfect fallback. It's a selfish thing to do. Do you expect someone to sit there in uncertainty, dealing with pain and confusion while you decide when "now" is an appropriate time? No, the healthy thing to do is to start healing and begin the process of moving on.

 

3 months is not a long time. Again, what in these few months has changed that you are now compelled to believe she is what you want? You said you felt empty and tired -- what does that mean? Fighting and arguing about what?

Edited July 20, 2016 by Zahara

[tart6245]

You're doing it wrong. Stop trying to talk to her so much. She'll never get over you and how you hurt her if you're constantly injecting yourself into her life.

 

I'm going through a breakup too, but I've worked tirelessly on myself and kept contact with my ex to a minimum. She's finally wanting to meet next month after telling me I hurt her for the last 3. I don't know what we'll talk about and we agreed that if we have a future it'll need to start from scratch, but that's how it goes.

 

Stop calling. Texting. Facebooking. No contact or very limited contact works because it helps you both get over things. It lets time heal wounds and allows you to move passed issues.

 

My ex got into a rebound for 3 weeks and then it ended, so she saw the great isn't greener. I've gone on dates too but they weren't the same, but I did it anyway.

 

You have to let time heal wounds. If she wants to see you again, she will. But you can't pressure her or push her. And you can't try to make her feel better. That's not your job anymore.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you really need to stop pestering her. She has made it clear she doesn't want to meet or talk right now; respect that.

 

What I get from your post is that you're not very concerned with her feelings. You are doing everything to make yourself feel better without much regard for what she wants. It is never an ex's responsibility to help the dumper get over them - that, quite frankly, was an absurd request on your part.

 

She is clearly moving on and seeing other people now. You need to start doing the same.

[PhoenixSP]

Thanks for replying but I do not agree with You Zahara on this one, as You can read my main post that is exactly why I did it, not to hurt her more or hold her for some kind of escape. I do not play with feelings and I try to be very direct. What changed was that I begun to see our relationship on a new level, it become possible from being apart, so at least smth good. We argued mainly because of miscommunication of eachother feelings toward everyday issues, we have 6 years age difference like said in main post, lots of issues come from there.

 

Tarheelian and ExpatInItaly thank You also, I agree that it was absurd to ask her that. I have only send her 2 emails over this month and now dont try to connect with her at all. I understand my situation and that is why I am asking for precaution just not to make anymore mistakes on my side. I am healing and moving on myself and try not to think about her at all but somehow I just know that we get back together. The main issue with moving on is that I do not want to hurt other people when I am dating with them but I guess I cant just sit still waiting also.

 

I hope it goes well with You tarheelian

[Zahara]

Thanks for replying but I do not agree with You Zahara on this one, as You can read my main post that is exactly why I did it, not to hurt her more or hold her for some kind of escape. I do not play with feelings and I try to be very direct. What changed was that I begun to see our relationship on a new level, it become possible from being apart, so at least smth good. We argued mainly because of miscommunication of eachother feelings toward everyday issues, we have 6 years age difference like said in main post, lots of issues come from there.

 

Regardless of your intent, it's unfair to the dumpee. It doesn't serve any purpose to the dumpee even if you believe it isn't meant to be hurtful. You can't project your feelings. In terms of your miscommunication, I'm sure a few months isn't going to change those core problems. If you both discussed the issues and tried to work on it, and it didn't pan out then it's a different story. You can say you gave it a shot and it just could not work. Unless you decided to leave without giving each other the chance to solve or work on the issues, then maybe you're facing some level of regret?

 

The main issue with moving on is that I do not want to hurt other people when I am dating with them but I guess I cant just sit still waiting also.

 

You don't have to rush into dating. You can always sit back, heal and focus in finding your emotional dependence and freedom. That would be being fair to yourself and to the ones that are coming to your table emotionally available and healthy.