Do I write her in this situation or is it a bad idea?

[tart6245]

My girlfriend of 2.5 years and I broke up about a month ago for good. I let my life fall apart while I was dating her, ended up letting her and my family walk all over me, ended up emotionally cheating on her because of job issues and taking two bar exams, and then moved out when massive issues occurred with my family.

 

She and I still saw each other and discussed getting back together until the end of May, when she told her family and best friend what I did. They told her I was psychotic and she fell apart again. She ended up getting into a rebound with another guy, and she told me it was completely separate and had nothing to do with me. She told me she thought we had a future, but wasn't ready to trust me again, and she couldn't sleep at night when she told me about him. She said she never wanted to tell me, but I pressured her into it.

 

I started seeing a therapist June 21. After a good number of sessions, I finally learned that I had let my self esteem fall apart and I spent too much time trying to please other people while neglecting myself. I cut contact with her for almost 2 weeks. We spoke briefly 2 weekends ago and I told her I had begun seeing a therapist. She said she was very proud of me, but she still wasn't ready to trust me yet, and she didn't think I had fixed myself in 2 weeks. I haven't spoken to her since. I don't think the rebound guy is around anymore though. She never mentioned him at least.

 

I since apologized to her family and her best friend for my actions. Both said they appreciated my honesty and hoped we both found happiness together. Her mother said she hurt for the both of us right now but prayed it works out.

 

Over the last 3 or so weeks of therapy, I have had a lot of self realization. I learned my mother is codependent on me emotionally and my friends pressured and manipulated me into ruining my relationship.

 

I want to talk to her about this, but so far she's been standoffish about meeting me. She says she still wants us to talk and still didn't want to rule out us getting back together, but that she's "obviously not ready to throw everything away and trust me again." I don't know whether strict no contact is best now or if I just need to reach out to her with myself a short note as my therapist recommended just letting her know I was thinking of her and wishing her a good week.

 

Any advice?

Edited July 13, 2016 by tarheelian

[NopeNah]

Don't talk to her about what's going on in YOUR therapy sessions! Afterall, the reason you're doing therapy is for yourself,not her(at least it should be). Go 'ghost' on her and continue the therapy for yourself and no one else. Not her, family,ect....yourself.

[tart6245]

Don't talk to her about what's going on in YOUR therapy sessions! Afterall, the reason you're doing therapy is for yourself,not her(at least it should be). Go 'ghost' on her and continue the therapy for yourself and no one else. Not her, family,ect....yourself.

 

I know, the therapy is for me, whether I get back together with her or move on to someone else, I had to do it. I was not in a good place in my life, and I already feel much better about what I need to do going forward. She asked me to tell her what I learned so far in therapy about 2 weeks ago, but I said I'd save it for a later time. (she works as a behavioral analyst so she knows a bit about these issues).

 

I was just wondering how to approach her. We technically haven't cut contact, but I am not talking to her and she hasn't reached out to me. We still are friends on social media though.

 

I just wasn't sure if strict NC is the best way to go given the reason we aren't together is because of me moving out on my own to take care of myself and not because she dumped me and cut me out.

[tart6245]

Well, if i needed anymore confirmation, the rebound guy in my ex's life and her are no longer friends on social media, and it looks like all her friends have removed him as well.

 

Not sure if this is a good chance for me to re-enter the picture or if I should just wait it out, but I assume she's hurting now more than she has before without the distraction of someone else.

 

My therapist recommended I send her a note, but she has a different approach than most of you all here.

[Densel]

Let me ask you.

 

Do you think telling/talking about your therapy to your ex will make her change her mind and get back with you?

[tart6245]

Let me ask you.

 

Do you think telling/talking about your therapy to your ex will make her change her mind and get back with you?

 

I have no idea. She was very happy to hear I finally went to therapy as she asked me to go a while ago and I refused. She just said she didn't think I had fixed my issues in 2 weeks.

 

Right now we aren't even speaking or seeing each other, so I don't know what to do.

 

Now that the rebound is definitely out of the way though, I'm not sure how that changes things.

[tart6245]

Well, we spoke tonight until around 1am. She said she wanted to meet next month, but that she didn't want to jump back into a relationship immediately. I let her know I knew the old relationship was dead and the only future we have is starting new and forgetting about the past. She said she understood that.

 

She didn't say she didn't want a future and finally stopped saying we had to work on ourselves.

 

I let her know some of the changes I had made over the last month or so, and that I was proud of the work I had done, and wished her a good night.

 

I could be setting myself up for another heartbreak if our meeting goes badly or she's adamant about not getting back together, but I was fairly direct by telling her I wanted a future from scratch tonight.

[Stercrazy]

To be honest I would just move on and continue to work on yourself.

[tart6245]

I'm debating on what to do.

 

I'd love to have her back but it'll be a long process of starting over and rebuilding trust again. I don't want to just jump back into anything and allow old problems to resurface.

 

I'm determined to do it right this time if we do decide to slowly begin seeing each other again. I guess we'll see. I could be making a big mistake if we meet and she's just not all there. Then I see no point in meeting at all.

[S2B]

So what is your solid plan of action to not be codependent with your Mom?

 

What do you plan to do to separate yourself from your Mom?

 

 

When family has issues/drama - how do YOU plan to stay away from that drama? What is your response going to be?

[tart6245]

So what is your solid plan of action to not be codependent with your Mom?

 

What do you plan to do to separate yourself from your Mom?

 

 

When family has issues/drama - how do YOU plan to stay away from that drama? What is your response going to be?

 

I've already addressed those things a few weeks ago. It was difficult at first because my mother did the typical crying bit and accused me of being a bad son, etc, but I know that's natural when you begin this process. My point was, I can't allow my family and mother in particular to zap all my time and energy outside of work because I'm guilted in to tending to issues I should never have to worry about. I've learned to be direct and to tell her no when I can't or shouldn't do things for her or with her. My mother should be in therapy too, but she refuses to go.

 

Additionally, I did it prior because of money. I had graduated grad school and was looking for work, and I needed financial help from my family during that time, so I felt the need to bend over backwards to do things for them and neglected my relationship with my ex. Same with my relationship with some of my friends who wanted me to be single so my time wouldn't be monopolized.

[S2B]

I've already addressed those things a few weeks ago. It was difficult at first because my mother did the typical crying bit and accused me of being a bad son, etc, but I know that's natural when you begin this process. My point was, I can't allow my family and mother in particular to zap all my time and energy outside of work because I'm guilted in to tending to issues I should never have to worry about. I've learned to be direct and to tell her no when I can't or shouldn't do things for her or with her. My mother should be in therapy too, but she refuses to go.

 

Additionally, I did it prior because of money. I had graduated grad school and was looking for work, and I needed financial help from my family during that time, so I felt the need to bend over backwards to do things for them and neglected my relationship with my ex. Same with my relationship with some of my friends who wanted me to be single so my time wouldn't be monopolized.

 

Maybe the gal wants to see if you can stand on your own long term without getting tangled up with family drama...?

 

Two weeks is nothing - long term change is better evidence that things will be different.

[tart6245]

We've been broken up since April technically. It hasn't been just 2 weeks. 2 weeks is usually how long we go without speaking. This process has been ongoing since mid April.

[Marc878]

Fix yourself first. Worry about everything else later. You're not ready for relationships.

 

You need to learn to be alone for awhile

[S2B]

We've been broken up since April technically. It hasn't been just 2 weeks. 2 weeks is usually how long we go without speaking. This process has been ongoing since mid April.

 

I was referring to YOU and the work you're doing to not be codependent.

 

I'm not sure why you immediately thought it was about dating her...

 

Isn't this supposed to be about you getting healthy/independent?

[tart6245]

I was referring to YOU and the work you're doing to not be codependent.

 

I'm not sure why you immediately thought it was about dating her...

 

Isn't this supposed to be about you getting healthy/independent?

 

Yes, it is.

 

And I'm getting there, albeit I'm not where I need to be by a long shot.

 

I guess my main problem is I know I screwed up and now I just want to fix things. Seeing my ex again won't fix all my problems but it will be a good start towards recovering. I mean it when I say she likely cared for me more as a person than my own family. I'm just an object that exists to serve them.