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Coping With The Loss of my Marriage


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Old 14th June 2016, 10:51 AM   #1
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Coping With The Loss of my Marriage

My husband and I are currently separated. I've been posting on the Separation and Divorce page but Hoping to Find some support and advice on what to do now.

< Moderator note: Link to previous thread is here: My Husband Got Up And Left >

Long story, short:

We had been together almost 11 years and married almost 5 when we separated back in February 2016. In the summer of 2015 my husband was laid off from his job. He was forced to take on a lower paying job which he didn't care for. We also put having kids on hold.

In the months to follow he became depressed and distant. Then at the end of November, to early December he told me he found a job in a city nine hours away. I told him I didn't want to move. He then asked me for a divorce.
We talked a bit, and he agreed to see a therapist. He said he didn't take the job.

Fast forward to shortly after Christmas I find out he did end up taking the job and didn't know how to tell me. Anyway after fruitful talking I agreed to move for this job. We sold our house, I quit my job. We put a deposit on a house.

The day before we were suppose to move in, he had me fly down to the city to pick up the keys while he drove with our stuff through the night. When I got there I found out he cancelled the lease last minute and left me hanging dry. I flew back and immediately filed for separation (have to be separated for at least a year to get a divorced) I tried to file under the two exceptions, but judge didn't agree. So I got a legal separation from my husband.

_________________________________

In the months following our separation my husband had been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I always thought he suffered from low self esteem and depression, but looking back it made sense. All the signs were there.

We talk occasionally. On what would have been our 5th wedding anniversary back in March, he sent me a Facebook message telling me he loved me. I blocked him. He is doing work on himself which I had told him I'm proud of. He had asked if we could try again but at this time I told him I didn't want too.

He did admit that the job in the city we were suppose to move to, backed out last minute and he didn't know how to tell me. That he got overwhelmed and thought saying nothing would be the best thing.


Which brings me to my question.

I had been told I took the separation fairly well. I got the okay from the courts to buy my own place. I bought a nice two bedroom condo. I started a second job and had started finding an interest in new things: pottery and yoga are two of them. I hang out with friends more and I'm even considering taking a make up class.

I have seen a therapist but stopped after a few sessions because it wasn't doing it for me. But some lingering issues are still hanging over my head. I miss my husband and I want to be with him. There I said it. In my head I know that would be a terrible idea. He ****ed me over royally but I miss him. I'd love to get back together with him. I want to start fresh but I'm find it so hard to detach, to let go. I have to force myself not to text him, or call him to rant and rave.

I know its only 4 months out, but it's so hard. Any advice anyone can give would be appreciated.
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Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 14th June 2016 at 11:54 AM.. Reason: Added link to previous thread for context ~6
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Old 14th June 2016, 11:16 AM   #2
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Make a plan that include regular met ups. Being cold and telling him you don't want things you do won't be helpful.

You say his problem has been identified and he is working on it so why is it a terrible idea?
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Old 14th June 2016, 11:23 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by Wheremyheartis View Post
I have seen a therapist but stopped after a few sessions because it wasn't doing it for me. But some lingering issues are still hanging over my head. *I miss my husband and I want to be with him. There I said it. In my head I know that would be a terrible idea. He ****ed me over royally but I miss him. *I'd love to get back together with him. I want to start fresh but I'm find it so hard to detach, to let go. I have to force myself not to text him, or call him to rant and rave.

I know its only 4 months out, but it's so hard. Any advice anyone can give would be appreciated.
*If that is really what you want, you should start the process of making it happen.

I suspect that you might be worried about others might think...
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Old 14th June 2016, 11:32 AM   #4
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It isn't so much about what other thinks. I know and accept if we were ever a thing again my parents wouldn't be supportive, my sister would think I was stupid. My friends same thing. That is a given.

I think my heart hasn't caught up with my head. This man left me in another city, to make a fool of myself. I keep telling myself, that is a big deal. Even if he were to get help would I ever be able to trust him again.

I told him I'd be there for him for support, but that we couldn't be together. I feel like I'm giving off false hope for him and for myself. Right now it's taking everything out of me not to go see him.
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Old 14th June 2016, 11:40 AM   #5
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Bottom line is you can't live for others. Had I done that I would have missed the best things in my life right now. My wife had an affair, we divorced, after some years my feelings for her grew stronger, my family and friends all thought it was horrible to let her back in on that lvl.

We now have an amazing relationship, better and stronger then ever before. Live life for yourself.
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Old 14th June 2016, 11:45 AM   #6
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Bottom line is you can't live for others. Had I done that I would have missed the best things in my life right now. My wife had an affair, we divorced, after some years my feelings for her grew stronger, my family and friends all thought it was horrible to let her back in on that lvl.

We now have an amazing relationship, better and stronger then ever before. Live life for yourself.

Did you remarrying your wife after you guys got back together?
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Old 14th June 2016, 11:47 AM   #7
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Did you remarrying your wife after you guys got back together?
We remarried in November
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Old 14th June 2016, 11:48 AM   #8
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I wanted to prove I was all in because she questioned it.
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Old 14th June 2016, 11:51 AM   #9
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I just always pictured myself getting married once. I told myself by February 2017, when the one year is up if things aren't different the divorce will go through. I don't know if I could stay with him if we divorced. It just feels like the ultimate end.
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Old 14th June 2016, 12:08 PM   #10
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I guess it comes down to whether or not you want to stick to your guns and go down the path you started or turn around and go back.

To me going back to the way it was or even close to the way it was wouldn't be enough, my gosh look at what he did to you, inexcusable for a spouse.

If you want to go back back make it dependent on REAL work and change on his part, if you don't he will repeat the past bad behavior and you will find yourself in the same spot you are now but only 5 years later on down the road.
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Old 14th June 2016, 12:20 PM   #11
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When you broke up, you were going through numbness. He betrayed you, lied to you and made a fool of you. Separating and breaking up was the logical choice. The choice most would make.


Now four months out, based on your account of things. Your feelings are coming out. You are lonely, missing your husband and wanting the life you had before. This is all normal.


When my girlfriend, my daughter's mother, broke up with me, I was sad, but it wasn't until a good month before it really got to me. The disbelief, the reality of things set in. I went into full fledged emotional mode. We even tried to reconcile but couldn't.


Heck it took almost five years, and a relationship that wasn't healthy for me to get over her. I have since met someone new, and I tell you it gets easier. You are young, and I was young. Don't settle for baggage.


I took five years to learn that.
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Old 14th June 2016, 12:40 PM   #12
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I was probably numbed and driven by anger.

Eleven years with someone is a long time, and I can imagine having a child with someone can complicate things further. We have no children so walking away should be a lot harder.

I'm living in my own house and he is living with his parents. He is working, going to regular therapy and is addressing his avoidance behavior and depression. I had recently unblocked him so he can text me. He's still blocked on Facebook.

We text occasionally, mostly to update me on his progress. I'm suprised at his level of being able to respect my boundaries. A few times he had passed into grey area but he is doing a lot better. He's more open in the last few months then in the last year of our marriage.

I think it would've been so much easier if he wasn't trying and to continue being selfish and an *******.
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Old 14th June 2016, 3:59 PM   #13
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It's understandable that you'd want some time apart from him after what he did. But it sounds like he's really trying to work on the things he needs to fix, and from what you've said you miss him and it seems like you'd want to get back together if he's able to work through some of those things. I wouldn't dismiss those feelings if I were you. Like you said, 11 years is a long time! Not to excuse or downplay what he did in the slightest, but it seems like it might be worth it to try to fight for this marriage if you can. You mentioned that you only saw a therapist for a few sessions - do you think you might have better results with a different therapist? Just like any relationships, people click better with some therapists than others. Might be something to consider looking into to help you with everything that's happened over the last few months. What do you think it would need to look like to be able to forgive him and try to work things out and save your marriage? What do you think you would need from him? It can be helpful to think that out and maybe write it down to help you figure out what's going to be best for you. Hang in there, Wheremyheartis. I have hope for you and your future!
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Old 14th June 2016, 4:13 PM   #14
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Some would say that you must make a decision and stick to it, no matter what.

I understand the logic behind that, but things and circumstances change...

It's OK to not know what you want, or what to do.

Don't decide anything right now, if you're unsure.

Keep an open mind.


Take care.
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Old 14th June 2016, 5:42 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by azaleigha View Post
You mentioned that you only saw a therapist for a few sessions - do you think you might have better results with a different therapist? Just like any relationships, people click better with some therapists than others. Might be something to consider looking into to help you with everything that's happened over the last few months. What do you think it would need to look like to be able to forgive him and try to work things out and save your marriage? What do you think you would need from him? It can be helpful to think that out and maybe write it down to help you figure out what's going to be best for you. Hang in there, Wheremyheartis. I have hope for you and your future!

Unfortunately there is only 3 therapist within a 75 kilometer radius to where I live. I live in a semi low-populated area. The only other therapist is the one my husband is using. The other one is just plain no good.

What he did to me was something huge. It was selfish but it was also not normal. He had undiagnosed issues that manifested until he got himself, at least in his head in a place he couldn't handle. It sucked I had to be the victim of that madness.

It doesn't excuse what he does but after his diagnosis of having avoidance personality disorder it made sense. After him telling me what really went down it made it a little easier.

I don't hate him. Not everything about him is bad. He's a great worker, he was a great provider. Overall he was a great boyfriend, fiance and husband up until last summer. But he had his issues such as low self-esteem, depression and conflict avoidant which was a constant thing throughout our entire relationship.

I know I need to talk to someone. I've been ranting to my friends, and have a close friend of my family who has been kind of a mentor. She has been great.

All I want for him to get his life back on track. I see the progress and I see the remorse and regret of the decisions he has made. I know he loves me and wants our marriage back. But I'm afraid.

Art_Critic is correct that I can't just jump back into a relationship with him without some serious change. I also don't want to keep these feelings to myself. I don't know what to do.

He made it clear he wants another chance but I turned him down.

Last edited by Wheremyheartis; 14th June 2016 at 5:44 PM..
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