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Is there a chance of reconciliation?


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I have written on this on a previous thread (sorry LS) but I really need some advice on this part only as the last thread was very complicated and just a lot of me venting.

 

Basically me and my ex have been together for over 5 years, and have probably been arguing for the last year due to him having a lot of stresses, us moving back in with our parents due to financial difficulties, becoming long distance and him taking this out on me.

 

Things went very pear shaped as 3 weeks ago, some of his iMessages came through to our shared laptop which indicated he had taken a girl he had met on a night out for lunch. We had a huge fight after I confronted him and the girl about this, and rather than sorting it he blocked me and didn't speak to me for 2 weeks.

 

I was absolutely heartbroken - it has been hell. I have missed him so much but also was devastated in the way he had treated me after. I thought he had moved on and didn't even care to tell me after 5 years.

 

However, I received a message from him asking me to call him last weekend. I panicked and didn't call him, and this was then followed by further messages saying that he missed me so much, was a broken man due to what has happened, that he wanted to hear my voice - that he loved me and always has and always will.

 

I didn't know how to react so I left it a few days, but really couldn't stop thinking about it. The thing is, although he has been acting out for a while, I felt exactly the same. In the end, yesterday I sent him an email in the morning saying 'My number is xx if you want to call. Hope you're ok'. He didn't call though and it was driving me so crazy, that in the end I called him. This was last night.

 

It started off a normal conversation, just catching up and seeing what each other had been up to over the last couple of weeks. I tried to keep positive, telling him I'd a good time, taking up running and keeping busy. Then I said it was really good to hear his voice, and he burst into tears and wouldn't stop crying.

 

He was saying how torturous the last 2 weeks had been from not speaking to me, that he couldn't move on and he's all over the place, that he's been having nightmares about me being with other people, etc. It was absolutely heartbreaking - I hadn't seen him/heard him cry for over a year. He seemed absolutely devastated.

 

However, he was not saying he wanted to get back together. I didn't want to push, I was trying not to get emotional too. I just wanted to keep positive and obviously still have my guard up a bit about how I felt, although I felt desperate to be with him.

 

But he was acting like I had dumped him and this was the end. He said he wanted to send me a letter or email explaining why all of this happened and why he has acted the way he has, he just couldn't do it on the phone. I asked him if he wanted to meet up at the weekend, just for lunch or something to talk about things. He was so upset and was like 'I can't do it'. I said I'm always here for you no matter what and call me whenever you need to, which he appreciated. I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too.

 

I'm so confused. As much as I know people from the outside will think he's horrible for what he did - he is - but I know that he hasn't been himself and hearing him last night in the state he was made me think now he has realised that, too.

 

I want more than anything to get back together with him, and it seems like he loves me just as much. I'm just really confused at how he was acting. I don't want to push him away by pressing him about what he wants considering it seems like he's having a bit of a breakdown, but I don't want him to push me away. I'd love to start again, I told him our last relationship was dead to me, but that he wasn't. That I wanted to move on from it, but still with him. Maybe he thought I was talking about as friends? I know you have to be very clear with men, I just don't know how to approach this and don't think I could bear it if he rejected me.

 

Usually I would give him a bit of space, but he's going away with work this Sunday for a few weeks, so this weekend is the last weekend I could see him before he goes. I'm absolutely desperate to see him in person as I know if I did, we would for sure rekindle as we love each other so much.

 

What do you guys think? I'm completely at a loss about this. I'm at work and can't stop thinking about him and hearing his voice has brought up so many loving feelings within me I feel like I'm going to burst. I want to text him telling him I love him, but I don't know... I just hope he feels the same way.

 

Thanks for any help - I sincerely appreciate all the advice I've been receiving on this forum!!

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SeriousAsparagus

I will tell you from my experience then. I speak honestly, so I'm really sorry if it comes off a bit harsh.

First of all, I think you already know that this doesn't sound healthy, or else you wouldn't be asking this forum for advice. Sometimes just because you love someone or they 'love' you, doesn't mean that you two belong together.

Secondly, I know alot of us tend to justify significant other's actions. And honestly, when they really love you and have your best interest at heart, you shouldn't have to justify whatever crappy thing they are doing. Because they wouldn't be doing that to you.

Thirdly, guys can say anything they want. But the fact is, he's not really trying to work at a relationship with you. He's seeing someone else. The fact that he wants you around is probably because the other girl didn't work out. And actually, you don't really know if he loves you just as much right? You just want to believe that because he's crying. Exes can miss you, but that doesn't mean crap.

 

Sometimes, albeit selfishly, we like to keep people around because it's comfortable and easy. And it's much harder to end things.

 

And if he really loved you like you said he did, you two wouldn't have to 'rekindle' anything. You only 'rekindle' if its gone.

I'm sorry for being harsh. Because I think you already know the truth, but just want to hear something different. I think your relationship has run its course, and for you to have a healthy life again, it's better to let it go.

Sometimes the more you hold on to something, past its due date, the worse/unhealthier it gets. So I never beg, never ask for second chances, and I take my share of responsibilities in the breakup, and focus solely on recovering, getting to know myself again, and pushing myself forward.

 

Because I always think, if they don't want me, they don't deserve me. I am worth much more than being treated subpar. And you are too. Find your self-worth, your determination, what you lost and gained from the relationship, and move forward. Because it is much better than being stuck in a sinkhole that only drags you deeper. And exhausts you emotionally, mentally, and everything in between.

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Oh, my heart hurts for you. I can hear how much you'd like this to work out with him. It sounds like there are a lot of unresolved issues, though, that definitely need to come out and be discussed thoroughly before you should consider restarting the relationship. I don't think this is something you should rush into - if you both truly love each other as much as you say, then not being able to see him before he leaves shouldn't be the thing that keeps you apart indefinitely. Have you thought about just starting things up slowly, making sure you have lots of conversation and communication about everything that happened, so that you can truly have your questions answered? That's something that might be doable while he's gone, either through email or phone. I don't know if it's a good idea to jump back into this relationship, but if it turns out that the two of you both want to take another shot at it, make sure you consider all the angles first - and make sure you know where he stands on everything that happened. It's possible that taking some deliberate time apart from each other might also be really good to determine whether this relationship is healthy for you (and him) in the long term. It's important to realize that just because two people love each other doesn't mean that they should be together, hard as that can be.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, heybabes. I know you're in a tough spot. I hope that you have people in your life you're able to talk to about everything going on. It's important to have support whatever happens with this. Hang in there, friend.

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I do think anything is possible. I do NOT believe in "Meant to be" or "not meant to be". That's crap to me. Somethings take time and need to be worked on so I do think it can be repaired.

 

However, don't focus on it. Don't let it be the only thing you think about day in and day out. Just try to do what you need to do to take care of *you*. Maybe drop a message, text, etc once in a while to say hello, miss you, etc.

 

This is just my opinion though. I hope it works out. I've been trying to win back a woman for a while so I know exactly how it feels. So many people telling me "move on" or "forget it" blah blah but somethings in life can't be replaced. That's how I feel. However, I'm still pushing forward in life, working hard, taking care of my daughter and my family. It was CRAZY painful at first but I learned not to make it a focus. Now I feel no pain at all.

Just hope. Good luck =)

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