I think I might have a second chance, can you give me some tips?

[Gregjackson]

Hey! This girl broke up with me after 3 years together, we tried to make it work post breakup but didnt, mainly because I was very "possessive" and in retrospect I didnt really give her any space and I myself even felt like I was smothering her. She told me to leave her alone, and I did. I decided I was never going to talk to her again, unless she spoke to me.

 

Two weeks pass, and she contacts me saying that she's having a hard time moving on since how things ended etc, and asks if we can meet up and talk about things. Which I told her I was cool with. We met up at my place, no pressure, just talking, I tried to not focus too much on the past and just try to enjoy the time we spent together, and we end up having sex "just as friends".

 

She tells me how she has a difficult time trusting me (because of past events that destroyed the trust), but that she hates how it's been when we have not been talking and that it would be nice if we could speak to eachother a little more often. Which I'm cool with, I want to get back together with her and move past all the bull**** that's been in our relationship besides all the good times and rebuild the trust.

 

She told me that sometime down the line she might be open to a relationship, but she doesnt know for sure, so for now we decided between us that "we are friends, who have a sexual desire for eachother aswell" as cheesy as that sounds. We then leave eachother on a positive note, no pressure, just being friends and everything is good, taking it slow. She also stated during our conversation that she needed time to work on herself and couldnt have any obligations towards anyone right now and I said that's totally cool, be free and enjoy yourself, lets see eachother when we both feel like it and it feels right, as friends first and foremost. She also said "If you have sex with someone else, give me a headsup" (which I take extremely positive but it might mean nothing I dont know...)

 

I called her the next day, asking about her and wondering if she might be down to meet up this weekend and maybe go for a walk either saturday or sunday and just spend some time together and talk. She responds that she has to see and she can't give me a straight answer right now (but I got the sense that it was not totally unlikely, like a strong "maybe") and I said I completely understand, we'll get in touch later and see what we can do.

 

What I'm focused on now is not putting any pressure on her at all, trying to be as "non-possessive" as possible and just let her be completely free without any pressure for a relationship at all. I want her to be the one asking the question "does he want more? maybe we can make this work after all" and not me being the needy little twerp that I was for a period after the breakup.. If she wants to be with me then I'm very open to it, and it's what I want, but I also want her to know that she is free to do what she likes.

 

Im wondering if someone have some tips about how to go about this? Is she interested at all or what is this all about? Anyway I really want to be with her, and I don't want to come across as desperate and controlling at all (which is something I'm working on) so I'm wondering if you can give me some tips in that regard and how to go about getting back together with her in a way that is not pressuring or possessive at all? I imagine something like if I call her on saturday and ask how she feels about the walk, if she say she cant then I just try to be as indifferent to it as possible.. Help me out, it would mean a lot to me.

[privategal]

Just friends no pressure but you already called her the next day asking her out when you left it the previous day as you would see eachother when you felt like it. I don't think you understand what taking it slow means.

 

She is not into you. But she doesn't have anything going and likely had a brief fling and was dumped so she wanted some ego boosting sex.

 

Personally I wouldn't even try this with her, you were dumped and rejected and asked to leave her alone, then she flakes, comes over for a hook up and is already trying to back away and be vague and non committal.

It reeks of using you for ego strokes until she finds what she wants with someone else.

Side note, you are clingy and I don't think you are cut out for an FWB. The whole premise of fwb is there is no strings attached or feelings. To pretend you are ok with JUST friends is hurting yourself when you already know you really want more and are invested.

The fact that you tried to highlight in your post 100 times in a row, friends, just friends, only friends, friends first was a clear indication you were trying to convince yourself of that.

You aren't there or able to handle that.

This is only going to hurt you more.

[Gregjackson]

Just friends no pressure but you already called her the next day asking her out when you left it the previous day as you would see eachother when you felt like it. I don't think you understand what taking it slow means.

 

She is not into you. But she doesn't have anything going and likely had a brief fling and was dumped so she wanted some ego boosting sex.

 

Personally I wouldn't even try this with her, you were dumped and rejected and asked to leave her alone, then she flakes, comes over for a hook up and is already trying to back away and be vague and non committal.

It reeks of using you for ego strokes until she finds what she wants with someone else.

Side note, you are clingy and I don't think you are cut out for an FWB. The whole premise of fwb is there is no strings attached or feelings. To pretend you are ok with JUST friends is hurting yourself when you already know you really want more and are invested.

The fact that you tried to highlight in your post 100 times in a row, friends, just friends, only friends, friends first was a clear indication you were trying to convince yourself of that.

You aren't there or able to handle that.

This is only going to hurt you more.

 

I'm not so sure about that even tho I thank you for the input, it's possible but she asked me if I had had sex with anyone else when we were apart, I said I hadnt and she told me that she hadnt either, and wasnt even close to finding someone else, which I believe since I was her first at the time when we got together and (hopefully) still am.. I know this girl, and she's not that type (even tough experience has showed me that you never REALLY know..) I'm not interested in just being friends, that's very obvious. But I dont want to put any pressure on her, just trying to find the balance between "not giving a fk" and "interested and caring". In the meantime I'm focusing on getting myself out there and talking to other girls, trying to get my "Mojo" back if you will - but I want her. So any tips in that regard would be really nice.

[privategal]

I'm not so sure about that even tho I thank you for the input, it's possible but she asked me if I had had sex with anyone else when we were apart, I said I hadnt and she told me that she hadnt either, and wasnt even close to finding someone else, which I believe since I was her first at the time when we got together and (hopefully) still am.. I know this girl, and she's not that type (even tough experience has showed me that you never REALLY know..) I'm not interested in just being friends, that's very obvious. But I dont want to put any pressure on her, just trying to find the balance between "not giving a fk" and "interested and caring". In the meantime I'm focusing on getting myself out there and talking to other girls, trying to get my "Mojo" back if you will - but I want her. So any tips in that regard would be really nice.

 

My gut tells me she is flat out not interested in pursuing you.

You are putting pressure as you called the next day with no space or time in between at all and asked her to see you. It looks desperate.

If she wants you, let her pursue you. Let HER chase.

Your texts, emails, calls.....clingy.

When you were dating romantically and have been downgraded to friendzone, that is a red flag.

Id find the confidence within myself to not be put in that situation.

Id leave her alone. Google being friends with exs. not good.

[Gregjackson]

Any tips for getting back into a relationship with an ex?

[darkbloom]

Any tips for getting back into a relationship with an ex?

 

Yes. Don't do it.

 

Two weeks isn't anytime at all to change. You guys are going to fall right back into the mess you were just in.

 

You are just dragging out this breakup under threat pretense that you will end up happily ever after.

[juniorrocha]

You mentioned you "didn't give her space" as one of the reasons for the break up. Then you start talking again, have sex, you say you'll take things slowly, and guess what, the next day there you are not giving her space AGAIN. The hard truth is: you cannot be friends. You're more involved than she is.

 

As hard as it can be, focus on yourself. She'll be on your mind all the time, but each day it fades away even more. Eventually things will be clearer, and then you'll know whether you truly want her back or not. Regardless, yourself is the priority right now.

[Gregjackson]

Ok, I get what you're saying and as much as I wish it werent true, you are probably right. I'm just wondering why she contacted me and such because it really messed up my head, since before I was doing better but now I got my hopes up again..

 

Anyway I said I'd call her either saturday or sunday and ask her how she felt about the walk. What do you suggest I do then if I am to follow your advice? Just not call her at all or what is my best option?

[Satu]

The minute she meets someone new and exciting, she'll drop you like a hot brick.

 

She's made her feelings for you clear.

 

Find enough self-respect to not try to please someone who doesn't want you.

 

 

Take care.

[juniorrocha]

Ok, I get what you're saying and as much as I wish it werent true, you are probably right. I'm just wondering why she contacted me and such because it really messed up my head, since before I was doing better but now I got my hopes up again..

 

Anyway I said I'd call her either saturday or sunday and ask her how she felt about the walk. What do you suggest I do then if I am to follow your advice? Just not call her at all or what is my best option?

 

Simply focus on you. Remember: you two DO NOT have a relationship anymore, therefore you can do whatever the f you want. Stop dwelling on having her back, you'll just hurt yourself even more. Keep your distance, evolve as a person and considering she's the one needing space, let her come back for it, but do not acccept breadcrumbs. You'll be fine.

[lolablue17]

There isn't any "one size formula" for this. But based on your story, I think you should spot what works, and what doesn't.

 

What doesn't work:

1. When you put pressure it didn't work.

2. When you begged and pleaded it didn't work.

3. When you called the next day after you last conversation, it didn't work.

 

What works:

1. When you stayed NC, it worked, she came back.

2. When you agreed to just meet and talk as friends, it worked (had sex)

 

In fact, the little you gave, the more she wanted.

 

So again, based on the details you gave here, you should not contact her, let her initiate all the talking and meeting. You don't have to make yourself always available, sometimes you can say no when she asks to meet.

[Simon Phoenix]

Any tips for getting back into a relationship with an ex?

 

Be a different person. But since that would not be a good idea, don't do it.

[RedPurpleOrange]

She gave you the 'friend' option. That's a big, red flag.

 

 

As much as I like the idea of having female friends, and I get on so damn well with women, I can't have them because I'll be uffing them. And then they're not 'friends'. I have MAN FRIENDS. But only a select few, the elite, I pick my friends wisely.

 

 

My woman is my woman. If she wants to be 'friends', I'm not wheedling myself into the dirt for THAT. Do or die.

 

 

Just say "I don't wanna be friends, we either together or f-off" or something like that. Acid test. Being a 'friend' is like being Mini Me all the time. Sod that!

[TheTraveler]

There isn't any "one size formula" for this. But based on your story, I think you should spot what works, and what doesn't.

 

What doesn't work:

1. When you put pressure it didn't work.

2. When you begged and pleaded it didn't work.

3. When you called the next day after you last conversation, it didn't work.

 

What works:

1. When you stayed NC, it worked, she came back.

2. When you agreed to just meet and talk as friends, it worked (had sex)

 

In fact, the little you gave, the more she wanted.

 

So again, based on the details you gave here, you should not contact her, let her initiate all the talking and meeting. You don't have to make yourself always available, sometimes you can say no when she asks to meet.

 

 

Excellent post.

 

Just wait. And if she never contacts you again, you know the answer.