Ex contacted me after 4 months of NC

[smirnoff33]

My ex boyfriend broke up with me over a year ago and after 4 months of NC, he contacted me a couple of weeks ago. I responded in a civil manner. Kept it upbeat and positive.

 

One night he asks to meet, "wants to check out my new apartment." I said I had just come home from work and I was heading out to grab a bite. He decided to join me. We caught up and reconnected, or so I thought.

 

After acknowledging the fact that I've come a long way, he told me he was proud of me and my achievements, hugged me and then kissed me. The kiss led to sex, and although I paused for a while and said that this might be a mistake, when he told me he wanted me, I gave in. While cuddling he mentioned the idea of being friends-with-benefits, since I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted yet.

 

The morning after he texted me good luck with work and that we'll see each other soon.

 

It's been 3 days since then. I feel like I was just a booty call but I don't know. Maybe I'm being too negative about it. I'm thinking of sending a small letter proposing that we start over slowly.

 

Any advice?

[kidm]

why did he break up with you? did he say he wants you back and you responded you don't know what you want yet? The fact that he even proposed a friends with benefit relationship could be telling!

[Alamo657]

My ex boyfriend broke up with me over a year ago and after 4 months of NC, he contacted me a couple of weeks ago. I responded in a civil manner. Kept it upbeat and positive.

 

One night he asks to meet, "wants to check out my new apartment." I said I had just come home from work and I was heading out to grab a bite. He decided to join me. We caught up and reconnected, or so I thought.

 

After acknowledging the fact that I've come a long way, he told me he was proud of me and my achievements, hugged me and then kissed me. The kiss led to sex, and although I paused for a while and said that this might be a mistake, when he told me he wanted me, I gave in. While cuddling he mentioned the idea of being friends-with-benefits, since I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted yet.

 

The morning after he texted me good luck with work and that we'll see each other soon.

 

It's been 3 days since then. I feel like I was just a booty call but I don't know. Maybe I'm being too negative about it. I'm thinking of sending a small letter proposing that we start over slowly.

 

Any advice?

 

Yes, he wants to be FwB, which means what interest him the most is having sex on a regular basis, you just happened to be available.

 

When reconciling there is only one way : be upfront about it, and don't settle for anything inbetween.

 

If you're ok with the FwB thing, it's up to you.

[elaine567]

Some men seem to think it is fine to demote their exes to a FWB.

He gets the advantage of being with someone who thinks he is wonderful and he gets sex on demand, but he doesn't need to bother with all the hassle of a real relationship.

 

He managed to persuade you into sex, so with no other serious options on the horizon, he proposed a FWB arrangement.

He now sees you as a source of regular sex.

 

Being a FWB is not the first step to reconciling. Forget your small letter proposing that this is a slow path to getting back together - it isn't.

FWB is an arrangement for sex nothing less nothing more, do not assume this has anything to do with "love" or wanting you back.

If he truly wanted you back in his life as his gf, he would never have suggested you be a FWB, he would have had too much respect for you to suggest that.

[smirnoff33]

But I've already slept with him and now I feel like I've lost all value. What should I do?

[Alamo657]

But I've already slept with him and now I feel like I've lost all value. What should I do?

Tell him you're looking for depth, not sex, and wish him well.

[azaleigha]

Hey friend. I'm sorry that you're feeling used and confused about this situation. From the little information you shared here (and, it sounds like, the relatively little interaction you had with him after NC), it does sound like he's just hoping he can use you for what he wants in the future. Do you think that you would want to start up a relationship with him again? You sounded kind of conflicted about what it is you'd want from him. What did you tell him when he mentioned being FwB? Is that something you can see yourself doing, and being happy about? Be careful to guard your heart - especially since you said you already feel like you "lost all value." Do you mean value to him, or in general? Either way, please know how valuable you are - and how valuable your heart is. Don't give it away easily. You deserve to be with someone who will respect all of you, inside and out, and will listen to your thoughts, desires, and needs and treat you as more than someone to have sex with. You're worth it!

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Your instincts were right, you were just a booty call. When a guy (or ex) contacts you at night out of the blue to "check out his new apartment" he is after sex.

 

He was banking on the fact that you would give in easily so he didn't have to put any effort into it, which is exactly what happened. He got the sex he wanted so now he is going on with his life, but he was careful enough to leave the door open to a fwb situation in case he needs to use your body again.

 

If he had valued you he wouldn't use you like that. It would be very different. What he did was selfish, but in his mind if you agree to casual sex then you have no right to invest any emotions in it.

 

Just remember that you determine your on value, not someone else.

 

I'm sorry to come off blunt but clearly you still have feelings and you need to be warned that you are walking into a landmine. There isn't a romantic ending here. If you stay in contact with this guy you are going to get hurt badly.

 

My advice is to not send a letter, he has made it clear he wants it to be about sex, not a reconciliation. As hard as it may feel it would be best to block his number and start to move on.

[smudge21]

Lesson learnt, but try not to feel too bad - we all fall for breadcrumbs from the ex; whether those crumbs are just a few texts or an offer of sex. We all have that hope that while we still want them, they will want us. So it's so easy to fall for those little moments. Don't beat yourself up because you did something perfectly normal. No matter what we do with breadcrumbs, we all feel bad about it afterwards. I recently responded to some and wish I hadn't. Hopefully this will make you stronger next time and you'll have a few lines ready for him should he come a-calling, that is even if you want to respond. As for feeling you lost value, don't think like that. Respect and value comes from within, not from some stupid ex who only sees you as a booty call when he feels like it. He's the one who has no respect for you or himself. You can do better and will do.

[UltimatePanacea]

My ex boyfriend broke up with me over a year ago and after 4 months of NC, he contacted me a couple of weeks ago. I responded in a civil manner. Kept it upbeat and positive.

 

One night he asks to meet, "wants to check out my new apartment." I said I had just come home from work and I was heading out to grab a bite. He decided to join me. We caught up and reconnected, or so I thought.

 

After acknowledging the fact that I've come a long way, he told me he was proud of me and my achievements, hugged me and then kissed me. The kiss led to sex, and although I paused for a while and said that this might be a mistake, when he told me he wanted me, I gave in. While cuddling he mentioned the idea of being friends-with-benefits, since I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted yet.

 

The morning after he texted me good luck with work and that we'll see each other soon.

 

It's been 3 days since then. I feel like I was just a booty call but I don't know. Maybe I'm being too negative about it. I'm thinking of sending a small letter proposing that we start over slowly.

 

Any advice?

Hey girl! I hate to say this but you shouldn't have slept with him. Do you see how easy you make it for him? He ends things with you then gets to have you any time he wants to. When he contacted you should've been very brief with your responses yet still being nice (that if you still care about him). Seeing him and having sex shows that you are not high value woman, trust me, i've been there and learned the hard way. Do not make it so easy for him to enter/exit your life, he will not respect you.

Now, if you are OK with the FWB then you can continue the same way, if you want him back as your BF then stop being sexually available to him and show him he is no longer the priority in your life. Do not send him no letters or e-mails, that's chasing. If he wants you-he knows how to reach out. IF he doesn't then I'm sorry but here it goes: He's just not that into you.

[UltimatePanacea]

Some men seem to think it is fine to demote their exes to a FWB.

He gets the advantage of being with someone who thinks he is wonderful and he gets sex on demand, but he doesn't need to bother with all the hassle of a real relationship.

 

He managed to persuade you into sex, so with no other serious options on the horizon, he proposed a FWB arrangement.

He now sees you as a source of regular sex.

 

Being a FWB is not the first step to reconciling. Forget your small letter proposing that this is a slow path to getting back together - it isn't.

FWB is an arrangement for sex nothing less nothing more, do not assume this has anything to do with "love" or wanting you back.

If he truly wanted you back in his life as his gf, he would never have suggested you be a FWB, he would have had too much respect for you to suggest that.

So true! He did not even work for her attention or sex. Don't get me wrong, I don't advocate using sex as a bargaining chip to wine someone over, but it is your body you have to respect it first. You know how difficult it is to move on when you have sex with them ESPECIALLY if they are your ex and not some random one night stand...

Reconciling happens through emotional connection and good communication, sex has never saved a relationship in the history of all breakups. If you want to be loved-show self love first, which is through not giving him your body/attention/heart/time/effort every time he feels like it. It is true that we teach people how to treat us by reinforcing certain behaviors. In this case he knows he can end things with you, then come back and get sex with no effort then disappear again. He doesn't care about your feelings and won't ever change unless you change. Most men come back to their ex only because they don't want to deal with the whole going out there and putting effort into someone new. Instead they know their ex will give in easily without wining and dining and putting effort.