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They Always Come Back..


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positivemale

Hey Loveshackers! I actually was lurking loveshack last year after going through my first breakup with a 5 year relationship (it was GIGS in every aspect, basically got cheated on/left for another man, ex started a new lifestyle/partied, etc.) I'm over it and that's not why I am posting.

 

I am basically posting a story here because I was absolutely devastated over my breakup, that I promised myself if any good story comes up in my life that I would come back to loveshack and post it. I owe it to you all who helped me through my first breakup []

 

Anyways, enough rambling, here's my story:

 

Before my GIGS ex, I liked this girl (lets call her Laura) when I was in the 11th grade. We were great friends for about a year and I was slowly falling in love with Laura. One day, Laura's sister (I was close friends with her too) asked me if I like Laura because she felt like something was up. I was stupid and told her I did.

 

After that, Laura pretty much ran away from me. She wouldn't answer my messages, my texts, and disappeared. Eventually she cracked and we had a talk. She told me she didn't like me like that and will never see me in that way. I was pretty devastated because I'm not a type of person who falls in love easily. I've known what I wanted ever since I was a child (as crazy as that may sound) and I would not settle for anything less. She checked everything off my list.

 

Anyways, as you can imagine, things got awkward after that and we slowly drifted apart. I mean, I tried to maintain a friendship, but it was just weird after she knew I had feelings for her.

 

Basically, we cut contact and rarely spoke. I mean maybe she sent me a "Hey how are you doing" message once every 2 years for about 6 years.

 

Fast forward to recently (about a month ago), I change my facebook picture and she comments "Wow you should be a model, looking great! I miss you!" And throughout the month, she was acting real needy and liking and commenting on so many of my vacation photos of when I went to New York City.

 

Then after that she messages me on facebook asking for my phone number. And guess what: she's pursuing me, flirting with me via text, and wants to take ME out on dates (I'm a guy by the way). I actually saw her sister on campus too (we go to the same college) and I was talking about if she can set me up with someone because I'm ready to date after what my crazy GIGS ex put me through, and she kept saying I should date Laura. Funny how those tables turn right? Coming from a girl who completely ignored me and said she will never see me that way to now realizing what she lost.

 

You know what I found even more funny, I turned down all of her dates and made an excuse as to why I can't make it to each one.

 

 

To all you loveshackers who are sitting on the forums looking for some hope, here are some lessons you all need to take from this:

- When a female says they are "done" with you, they really only mean they are done with you for the moment and anything can change in the future (as long as you're a good person and didn't cheat/abuse them)

- No contact/limited contact is the only way someone can really see your worth and gain perspective about you. Time and space is all you need if you want someone back. If you stay friends with an ex or try to contact them, then you literally have zero to no chance of getting your ex back. Girls for the most part crave attention, so when you go no contact, you're taking that away. If you shower your ex with attention, you're actually being counter-productive. You think that if you can just show her how you feel, you're sure she'll come back! You're actually pushing her away.

- They always come back. For me, it took about 6 years. This is probably because my GIGS ex lasted for 5 years, so I'm assuming if I was single, she would have came back earlier. Maybe she was waiting for me and my GIGS ex to break up and to jump right in. I have no idea because I've got a lot of women who didn't even think about me twice in high school all of a sudden messaging me when they found out I was single (women confuse me, haha!)

- Don't chase. Focus on yourself, be a good person, be a confident person, focus on being successful, and keep bettering yourself, and you will attract people into your life.

- The tables always turn.

- Karma always comes around - I was devastated before that she friendzoned me, now she's devastated that I friendzoned her.

- If you're waiting for your ex to come back: DON'T. Listen, by the time your ex comes back, you're honestly probably not going to care and you'll be moved on. Laura was never my ex, but the fact that I don't even care about her dates she's offering to take me on shows that when they come back, you'll be moved on.

- They come back too late.

- If you are holding out hope for your ex to return, it's probably going to be in a few years from now. So stop wasting your time on loveshack and get out there and enjoy your life! You attract what you are ready for. Never forget that.

 

If you have any questions, I'll feel free to answer them. Just leave them below. I learned quite a lot about breakups/relationships during this past year. Also, if you guys want me to post everything that happened with my GIGS ex, I can do it too. I'm sure I'll come back to loveshack a few years from now and post how she came back too.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted commentary on other members ~6
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Mate, you're delusional if you think that the fact that one girl came back means that all women will come back if treated a certain way. Why would a girl return to an ex just because he doesn't chase and gives space? He's an ex for a REASON.

 

And what's with calling your ex GIGS? The main reason for dumping a partner is because we think that we can find someone more suited to us. And most of the time we can find better. GIGS is the most stupid expression going around at present...it's just a label people give their ex to cover up the butt-hurt. Frankly, I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than reconsider returning to an ex. Blech.

 

Glad it worked out for you, but as a broad piece of advice for getting back an ex....this doesn't work. I kinda suspect that if I ask for more info, I'll be linked to a website which would cost money.

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PrettyEmily77

There are very few cases when it does work (both managed to keep things friendly, no abuse, timing issues, both still single, etc).

 

That being said,

 

1. They almost never come back.

 

2. They shouldn't anyway.

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deadparrot

OP, I'm not going to lie, you're not coming off very well here.

 

I think Laura handled the situation in high school as well as she could, given the fact that she was, you know, a high schooler. At the time, she didn't have feelings for you, and told you that straightforwardly rather than ghosting, which is what most people claim to want. Things got awkward because, well, that's what happens when one person has unrequited feelings for another. Ultimately, though, she dealt with things honestly and fairly gracefully, and you should be thankful for her to that--not all teenage girls are that mature.

 

Now she's showing some interest--and, really, who knows why. Maybe she's changed and has reconsidered her feelings, maybe she just finds you physically attractive and just wants a FWB situation, maybe she's had a rough breakup and is rebounding by flirting with everyone in sight. Maybe it's none of those--it's impossible to say. But acting with her the way you've been acting in this post, which frankly comes off very smirking and smarmy and superior, isn't going to reflect well and isn't going to get you the relationship you claim to want.

 

If this situation turns out the way you'd like (and that's a big if), you need to leave the past in the past and not constantly lord it over her that she turned you down in high school. Your "lessons" aren't "lessons" at all; they're conclusions you've drawn based on your very limited life experience.

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positivemale
Mate, you're delusional if you think that the fact that one girl came back means that all women will come back if treated a certain way. Why would a girl return to an ex just because he doesn't chase and gives space? He's an ex for a REASON.

 

And what's with calling your ex GIGS? The main reason for dumping a partner is because we think that we can find someone more suited to us. And most of the time we can find better. GIGS is the most stupid expression going around at present...it's just a label people give their ex to cover up the butt-hurt. Frankly, I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than reconsider returning to an ex. Blech.

 

Glad it worked out for you, but as a broad piece of advice for getting back an ex....this doesn't work. I kinda suspect that if I ask for more info, I'll be linked to a website which would cost money.

 

If you read my post above, I said tons of girls who didn't even look at me twice are now coming into my life and giving me attention. They all come back. This was just an example. [] The problem with GIGS is that people try to categorize every breakup under it. Also, I don't want my ex back. Why would I want someone who cheated on me back? LOL

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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positivemale
OP, I'm not going to lie, you're not coming off very well here.

 

I think Laura handled the situation in high school as well as she could, given the fact that she was, you know, a high schooler. At the time, she didn't have feelings for you, and told you that straightforwardly rather than ghosting, which is what most people claim to want. Things got awkward because, well, that's what happens when one person has unrequited feelings for another. Ultimately, though, she dealt with things honestly and fairly gracefully, and you should be thankful for her to that--not all teenage girls are that mature.

 

Now she's showing some interest--and, really, who knows why. Maybe she's changed and has reconsidered her feelings, maybe she just finds you physically attractive and just wants a FWB situation, maybe she's had a rough breakup and is rebounding by flirting with everyone in sight. Maybe it's none of those--it's impossible to say. But acting with her the way you've been acting in this post, which frankly comes off very smirking and smarmy and superior, isn't going to reflect well and isn't going to get you the relationship you claim to want.

 

If this situation turns out the way you'd like (and that's a big if), you need to leave the past in the past and not constantly lord it over her that she turned you down in high school. Your "lessons" aren't "lessons" at all; they're conclusions you've drawn based on your very limited life experience.

 

The point I was trying to make is that by the time they come back, you're not going to care! So don't waste your time on loveshack moping around about an ex because when they come back, you won't even give them a chance.

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ExpatInItaly

Sorry OP, I know it's a nice thought, but it's simply not true.

 

My last three relationships? I never went back. I no longer wanted to be with them, full-stop. And they didn't come back, either. Those three men are now married, too. I am in a serious relationship myself.

 

Your theory is unfounded and overlooks a large proportion of break-ups that are permanent.

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positivemale
Sorry OP, I know it's a nice thought, but it's simply not true.

 

My last three relationships? I never went back. I no longer wanted to be with them, full-stop. And they didn't come back, either. Those three men are now married, too. I am in a serious relationship myself.

 

Your theory is unfounded and overlooks a large proportion of break-ups that are permanent.

 

I just came to loveshack to post a nice positive story showing that people do come back. Do they always come back? In MY experience, they do. I can only speak for myself. Every situation is different.

 

Also, here's some of my favourite loveshack posts of ex's returning. So to say that they don't come back, is wrong. The thing about getting back together is that when someone does, they don't come back to loveshack to post.

 

Anyways, most of the time an ex returns is because of GIGS. If the breakup happened due to any other reason, then there is probably no chance in getting back together.

[]

Do people come back? Yes. Is reconciliation typically successful? No.

 

So for the people saying that they don't ever come back. You're wrong.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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ExpatInItaly

OP, you clearly said they "all" come back. "Always."

 

Surely you can see this just isn't true. None of us said nobody ever comes back; of course there are always exceptions.

 

But your sweeping generalization that we ladies always circle back is just incorrect. Perhaps you're not old enough or experienced enough to have learned that yet. Maybe you haven't had many relationships. Unfortunately, a handful of threads on an internet forum doesn't outweigh harsh reality. For every thread you can dig up in which there was reconciliation to support your broad claim, there are plenty more in which that didn't happen.

 

In any case, you're right that you need to stay away from a cheater. She wasn't all that invested in the first place if she could cheat, and likely just looking for an ego stroke. Not a genuine interest. Good for you for staying away.

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positivemale
OP, you clearly said they "all" come back. "Always."

 

Surely you can see this just isn't true. None of us said nobody ever comes back; of course there are always exceptions.

 

But your sweeping generalization that we ladies always circle back is just incorrect. Perhaps you're not old enough or experienced enough to have learned that yet. Maybe you haven't had many relationships. Unfortunately, a handful of threads on an internet forum doesn't outweigh harsh reality. For every thread you can dig up in which there was reconciliation to support your broad claim, there are plenty more in which that didn't happen.

 

In any case, you're right that you need to stay away from a cheater. She wasn't all that invested in the first place if she could cheat, and likely just looking for an ego stroke. Not a genuine interest. Good for you for staying away.

 

From what I've seen and talked to people in real life, most gigs dumpers return years later. As long as they didn't move away, weren't abused and there was no cheating involved.

 

Also, maybe I should have been more clear and said "from my experience". There's been a few females who wouldn't even give me the time of day years ago, and now give me all sorts of attention. Maybe it's because i'm successful or I grew into my looks, but for some reason, they are attracted to me. Which is why I said to always keep bettering yourself because it attracts people into your life.

 

Someone does not blatantly have to say "let's get back together" or "let's start dating" to show you that they want you. Someone's actions can say it all.

 

Also, your comment about the threads is completely false. When people get back together, they don't come back to loveshack to post about it!! They rarely do. That's why you have tons of posters all heartbroken and sad here, because when they're happy and get back together, they don't think about coming back to this site. Besides, most successful reconciliations happen YEARS later. So no one's going to remember to come back onto here.

 

And yea, I would never get back with a cheater. That would just be a downgrade. I would never settle for anything less than I deserve. Funny thing is, I heard through the great vine that she regrets breaking up with me. It's interesting how time and experience make people appreciate what they had.

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Folks, please keep the discussion related to one's own personal experiences, and not the experiences of other loveshack posters, especially ones that are not here to participate in the discussion. Thanks. ~6

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The_Dork_Lard

Well, I've been waiting for 9, 10, 11, 14, and 17 years for 5 of my exes to come back. Should I wait a little longer before contacting them, do you think?

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positivemale
Well, I've been waiting for 9, 10, 11, 14, and 17 years for 5 of my exes to come back. Should I wait a little longer before contacting them, do you think?

 

Depends on the reasons you broke up. Do they even have a way to contact you?

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positivemale
Some of my exes has come back alright.....loaded down with breadcrumbs.

 

Very few will EVER contact you out of the blue and say "I MADE A MISTAKE, LETS GET BACK TOGETHER". Sometimes some throw breadcrumbs to open the line of communication and see where your head is at. I don't understand why people dislike breadcrumbs. No one contacts an ex (even breadcrumbs) if they don't want to rekindle something. When an ex is done, they are done. So if you're getting anything from them, there is a part of them that still wants you.

 

The problem is, most dumpees can't get over the hurt, so it hinders reconciliation. Someone doesn't have to say the words "I made a mistake" to show you that they regret their decisions.

 

I remember reading a story where someone's ex asked to hang out a year later. She brought up getting back together and he said it wouldn't work (even though he wanted to), and he thought she was going to chase after that. She didn't. Guess what happened? They both settled for someone they didn't have a deep enough connection. That's sad. His biggest regret was believing all that "Don't ever message an ex until they come running to you". Very very and I mean VERY few will do that. Breadcrumbs are the building blocks to opening the line of communication. I wish people on loveshack would understand this. If I didn't answer Laura's breadcrumbs, she probably would have never came back. You have to have some sort of communication.

 

I don't understand why people think breadcrumbs are a bad thing.

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brothers343

Op........I'm glad you have your SWAG back.......the reason all those girls came back to you is becouse people change. What I need now I may not want later. Vise versa. Some people have left relationships knowing that they will always love that person but manage to never come back. EVER!!

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Very few will EVER contact you out of the blue and say "I MADE A MISTAKE, LETS GET BACK TOGETHER". Sometimes some throw breadcrumbs to open the line of communication and see where your head is at. I don't understand why people dislike breadcrumbs. No one contacts an ex (even breadcrumbs) if they don't want to rekindle something. When an ex is done, they are done. So if you're getting anything from them, there is a part of them that still wants you.

.

 

I think that is where you are going wrong. As a dumper I was interested in my exes and how they were getting along, part of me I suppose felt guilty for the pain I had put them through by dumping them, but there was no way I ever wanted them back.

People dislike breadcrumbs for a reason - they lead absolutely nowhere.

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positivemale
Op........I'm glad you have your SWAG back.......the reason all those girls came back to you is becouse people change. What I need now I may not want later. Vise versa. Some people have left relationships knowing that they will always love that person but manage to never come back. EVER!!

 

I agree that people change. I think they all came back because i'm all about self improvement and I never allow any situation bring me down. See, if I acted all sad and depressed over my GIGS ex who cheated on me, she would have never regretted breaking up with me. The fact that I didn't lose my "SWAG" still leaves her attraction towards me. She knows what she lost.

 

Funny how your ex can see you happy with other people and then they start realizing what they lost.

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positivemale
I think that is where you are going wrong. As a dumper I was interested in my exes and how they were getting along, part of me I suppose felt guilty for the pain I had put them through by dumping them, but there was no way I ever wanted them back.

People dislike breadcrumbs for a reason - they lead absolutely nowhere.

 

I don't believe that to be honest. If you felt guilty about what you did, you won't even contact them to begin with because you'll just bring back all the pain you brought them. Whether you want to admit it or not, when you contact an ex (and I mean after a long period of NC), a part of you still wants them and misses them. People's ego seems to block them from admitting this.

 

Breadcrumbs lead somewhere if you are short, sweet and businesslike with your responses. It provides a sense of mystery.

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The_Dork_Lard
I remember reading a story where someone's ex asked to hang out a year later. She brought up getting back together and he said it wouldn't work (even though he wanted to), and he thought she was going to chase after that. She didn't.

 

What's your take on this? It happened to me 3 months ago.

 

After 6 1/2 months of silence from me, and after 1 1/2 months of silence from her, I had a severe weak moment and contacted my ex asking to meet up. I don't know why I wanted to meet, but I think it was because I missed her, and wanted to just be in her company. I don't know... as I said, a severe weak moment.

 

To my shock, she said no, even though she'd been texting me for the first 5 months of that 6 1/2 months. She said "It's not a good idea", and left it at that. We went mutually silent for 2 further weeks. Then my phone bleeped, and it was her. I remember the text word for word, it said "news -- that ***** *** has died" referring to a neighbour of hers we were both acquainted with. I replied something like "that's sad", and she replied with some in joke about something else, and I've not heard from her since.

 

So what do you make of her texting me like that?

 

Not that it matters now, because my strong head has been firmly on ever since, but I am curious as to what it could've meant. I've been curious ever since.

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positivemale
What's your take on this? It happened to me 3 months ago.

 

After 6 1/2 months of silence from me, and after 1 1/2 months of silence from her, I had a severe weak moment and contacted my ex asking to meet up. I don't know why I wanted to meet, but I think it was because I missed her, and wanted to just be in her company. I don't know... as I said, a severe weak moment.

 

To my shock, she said no, even though she'd been texting me for the first 5 months of that 6 1/2 months. She said "It's not a good idea", and left it at that. We went mutually silent for 2 further weeks. Then my phone bleeped, and it was her. I remember the text word for word, it said "news -- that ***** *** has died" referring to a neighbour of hers we were both acquainted with. I replied something like "that's sad", and she replied with some in joke about something else, and I've not heard from her since.

 

So what do you make of her texting me like that?

 

Not that it matters now, because my strong head has been firmly on ever since, but I am curious as to what it could've meant. I've been curious ever since.

 

Who broke up with who.

How long was your relationship.

Why did you break up

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The_Dork_Lard
Who broke up with who.

How long was your relationship.

Why did you break up

 

She dumped me really coldly and angrily, via text. The shock of that meant I immediately went no contact which kinda turned the tables, making me the dumper in essence, and she spent 5 months texting me, all of which I ignored.

 

6 1/2 years (broke up last July)

 

Completely incompatible sex drives, the only validation she understood was sexual validation, which is a different language to my ideas of validation (which are more existential, emotional, and spiritual).

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I don't believe that to be honest. If you felt guilty about what you did, you won't even contact them to begin with because you'll just bring back all the pain you brought them. Whether you want to admit it or not, when you contact an ex (and I mean after a long period of NC), a part of you still wants them and misses them. People's ego seems to block them from admitting this.

 

Er..no.

To my mind I was being "adult" and being friendly.

But are right it is an ego thing, it is not that I wanted them, it was a ego stroke for me to see that they still wanted me, (I was young and foolish).

I stopped doing the "friendly" thing when I had a grown man sobbing his heart out on my sofa, wanting me back and I had to say no to him, all over again.

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positivemale
Er..no.

To my mind I was being "adult" and being friendly.

But are right it is an ego thing, it is not that I wanted them, it was a ego stroke for me to see that they still wanted me, (I was young and foolish).

I stopped doing the "friendly" thing when I had a grown man sobbing his heart out on my sofa, wanting me back and I had to say no to him, all over again.

 

Why would you wait to see if someone still wanted you if you didn't want them. It has nothing to do with being young. It has to do with you running from the truth. I still don't believe you (I mean this in the nicest way possible).

 

I guarantee you if he was more of an "Alpha" male and didn't cry, you would have reconciled. Women don't like seeing neediness. If he approached you differently, you would have too. Essentially, breakups and breadcrumbs are all a deck of cards. If you know how to deal with them correctly, you can flip any table.

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deadparrot
The point I was trying to make is that by the time they come back, you're not going to care! So don't waste your time on loveshack moping around about an ex because when they come back, you won't even give them a chance.

 

And my point was that your pronouncements, spoken in sweeping

absolutes, are simply not true all (or even most) of the time.

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