How do I continue with so much hate

[Soldier81]

So where do I start, my kids father of ten years who has told me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me has just been caught in a lie that started at the beginning of our realationship. Three months ago I got a phone call from his cousin who told me my kids father had slept with his ex mrs, but at the time of this they were together, I obviously kicked him out that instant, then I'm told he did sleep with her just before he moved into my house, where he took on the role of a guardian to my only child at that time,not only did he sleep with her he planned the whole thing. At this time I knew nothing but because she was his cousins mrs she was at all family functions etc, he still says it only happend once.

 

Since then we have 3children together and not once did he stop to tell me what he had done, that xxxxx held my kids in her arms all the while knowing she slept with there father, the devastation was bigger than I wish soon anyone, the respect he had for her was always more than he ever had for me to even let me hand my children into her arms having your heart ripped out is an understatement then to be told he never loved me at the beginning of the relationship but not once did he let me go he beat me to be the controller of the relationship so since day one I should have left. I often ask myself why me, how to I sold such low self esteem to be treated like that when I know better, now he is homeless an I still can't help but care an get sucked back into the relationship for another 10years, he stop with the beatings when the kids were born but at the same time the hurt he put on me by his betrayal hurts more than anything I've ever been through.. He tells me he wants to fix this. All I ever do is have ugly thoughts run through my head then hate is all I think about, I hate him more than I've ever hated anyone!!

 

Do I give him a chance he's changed before do I really beleive it only happend once??

Edited May 2, 2016 by Soldier81
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[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

TBH, my opinion is your situation, especially with children, is beyond the scope of a layperson discussion forum. Your self-esteem issues will likely need to be addressed by a professional, likely a psychologist. There also may be some adjustments that a medical doctor can do with your brain chemistry and/or hormones to stabilize things.

 

Do you have any family nearby? IMO, I'd get with family or loved ones, focus on the children and stabilize things before making any decisions on the man involved. What's his interaction with the children?

 

From my work with a psychologist, his tools for processing and, most importantly, accepting emotions rather than fighting them, helped enormously with red tapes, and emotion in general. Red tapes are deep seated negative emotions which are unlikely to be talked away or changed, rather are accepted and processed. This hate you have for the man can be channeled into other, positive actions in your life. Your choices are your power. Things can go anywhere from here. You choose the path.

[Readandwrite]

Because of the kids...he will be in your life.

 

You can find someone else...but first...work on you. Be involved with the kids more...they are your first love.

[Soldier81]

Welcome to LS.

 

TBH, my opinion is your situation, especially with children, is beyond the scope of a layperson discussion forum. Your self-esteem issues will likely need to be addressed by a professional, likely a psychologist. There also may be some adjustments that a medical doctor can do with your brain chemistry and/or hormones to stabilize things.

 

Do you have any family nearby? IMO, I'd get with family or loved ones, focus on the children and stabilize things before making any decisions on the man involved. What's his interaction with the children?

 

From my work with a psychologist, his tools for processing and, most importantly, accepting emotions rather than fighting them, helped enormously with red tapes, and emotion in general. Red tapes are deep seated negative emotions which are unlikely to be talked away or changed, rather are accepted and processed. This hate you have for the man can be channeled into other, positive actions in your life. Your choices are your power. Things can go anywhere from here. You choose the path.

 

Your right and that has been my main focus at this point my kids, my kids are my world and with out them I don't know where I would be. My aim is to change the cycle so my daughter does not endure what I went through as a child sounds so easy...Do I have family do I have friends, I got two brothers which are not very stable,we lost our parents to two seperate incidents a week apart when I was just 15, since then I've had minimal guidance but beleive I've done ok considering the situation we faced. The funny thing is I'm great with advice to my mates but can't seem to take it on myself, I know what needs to be done I know what's right from wrong and I also no that the choices in what we make is all up to us.. I don't for one second feel sorry for myself life is way too short for that, my kids need the best opportunities in life and the only way they have that is by me putting aside anything I need in my life to focus on them and I'm quite happy to do that. I notice that people's reaction to this is focus on my kids that's all I do I work two jobs to better our lives. And after reading your response I do feel I probably need to make more of an effort on fixing the problems and hurt I've carried for so many years before I can be there mentally 100percent for my kids even though I feel I'm 1000 % there for them. I am going to find the inner peace wether it takes me 5monthd or 5years my kids are my life an I do realise they can't be happy with out the extra effort I put towards making this happen.. I will seek help and thank you for your feed back

[ksvacha]

Hi. It sounds like life is really confusing right now. Sometimes having a history with someone can be difficult to sort out as you determine your future with that person. I obviously don't know all the details, and only you can determine if you're willing to give him a second chance. I will say that in my experience, there is a lot of value in forgiving and moving ahead positively. Maybe a good step would be to take it slow, work on rebuilding and trust, and just see where it leads.

[NTV]

So he beat you until the kids were born and that was okay?

[Soldier81]

NTV, I did not say that it was ok for him to beat me, I did call the cops a couple of times I also left him but was easily manipulated back in. My past from child hood is a reflection of my life right now beleive me I know what's right from wrong and I also know that physical violence is not except able in any means.People make it sound so easy just get up and leave love is a powerful thing that can make you do real stupid things and I'm no exception. They often say you learn from your past yes that's right but you can also be over shadowed by that and end up in the same pridicament you always said you would never allow yourself to go through. I don't blame no one for what I'm enduring right now but myself, I know I can leave I also know I am better than how I have been treated at the same time love holds me back from doing any of that. But I am slowly learning that my insecurities are a huge factor and I'm selecting to have professional help to help me conquer my demons. I have time to rectify these issues before my kids grow to old so they can have the best possible life they deserve... Wish I was as strong as you NTV but I am heading in the right direction an that's all I can do is grow to be a better person.

[NTV]

Never said I was strong. Pretty sure I'm not, actually. No, I know from experience that sometimes you need anger to motivate you to do what you know you should do. I was just trying to sting you enough to get you there.