Should I bother telling him..

[love4me1991]

So my ex and I (dated for only 4 months) have been broken up for 6 months ended things on good terms. He broke up with me because he was busy working 2 jobs and had no time. I wished him well and we went no contact for about 2 months. Keep in my we work together and only hi's were exchanged during this time. In January we started talking more, casually flirting here and there. We have no contact outside of work at this point. However I have realized a few things where I went wrong with the relationship. I was still getting over the past and the way I acted so closed off and unemotional at the time may have made him end things. I was also a little insecure at times due to what I was going through. the past few months I have really gotten over my past and have been getting help. The only thing that bothers me is I still have feelings for the ex and think that I wasn't myself and some part of me wants a second chance. The only part that makes me hesitate in talking to him is that we work together and I don't want to make things awkward. I don't want to ask him for another shot at things, but I really feel like I should explain what I was going through at the time and why I acted the way I did.

 

If anybody has any advice on what I should do or how I can approach him with this, I would greatly appreciate it!

 

Thanks

[dustin2016]

You didnt mention you are seeing anyone, or that he was seeing anyone.

 

As far as work place relationships go, it doesnt sound like your previous fling with him damaged the work environment. You didnt mention being unhappy. As far as work place romances go, the risk of serious damage seems low.

 

And it sounds like for whatever reason, you want to take a shot at this. So now its a matter of increasing your potential for success.

 

My advice here would be, take him out for a good time first. Have fun, enjoy yourself, dont make any demands and lighten up. Show him why youd be someone he'd want to be with and who he can have a good time with, and after youve taken him out and shown him a good time. Wait , leave him smiling for a day, and then ask him for another shot.

 

People are far more likely to respond in a favorable way, when they see you as someone they want to be around.

 

With that being said, be warned. Even if there werent any ulterior motives to his " too busy" breakup reason / excuse. If he was on the level, whats to prevent the same thing from occuring again? If he really was too busy, it stands to reason he could get "too busy" again.

 

Getting emotionally invested in this may turn out badly, if for no other reason that that. And also, ask yourself if his approval is something you need? Or is it something you can do without. Because it sounds like a lot of whats driving you is a need for just that..

[love4me1991]

thanks Dustin for the advice. I like the thought of just having a good time before bringing things up . I was kind of waiting for him to make the first move, but it seems like I might be waiting forever. He has taken care of the too busy issue and no longer has the second job as we have spoke about. I don't think i am looking for his approval but i feel like i ruined the first opportunity i had and my feeling for him just dont seem to want to go away.

I am not seeing anyone at the moment however am unsure as to if he is or not which complicates things further

[dustin2016]

I don't think i am looking for his approval

 

Thats most likely myself projecting onto your situation. I forever sought and wanted the approval of my wife, mainly because I needed her to see that I had improved, evolved, etc. When in reality, no matter how kind and loving and supportive I was and could be, I mistreated her horribly at times, and strangely no longer blame her, but rather myself for the erosion and ending of our marriage.

 

As to your situation, it sounds like he has more free time now~ So arranging a date shouldnt be as difficult. But I would definitely inquire if hes seeing someone, before rather then after..

 

And who knows, maybe when your out and about with him you might not feel as strong a drive to want to be with him. For your own benefit, you want to make sure that you still enjoy being around him outside of the work setting.

 

Id consider that a win win~ And best of luck to you.

[NTV]

I agree with Dustin. I think that anytime you feel like you have issues you're taking into a relationship, you've got to deal with those issues first. One of the hardest things to do is to get to a place where you realize that it's okay to be single and you feel like it's okay too.... but once you get there--it really is a great place to be.

[love4me1991]

Thanks Dustin for your great advice! and NTV I appreciate yours as well.. That is exactly how I feel now. I just wish we could have had a shot now as opposed to last year at such a bad time

[dustin2016]

Thanks Dustin for your great advice! and NTV I appreciate yours as well.. That is exactly how I feel now. I just wish we could have had a shot now as opposed to last year at such a bad time

 

You never really know whether you have a shot at something until you go for it. And I mean, really align your life with the outcome you want.

 

I think we all get used to not really having to put in effort when it comes to the relationship areas, its a curse of todays social media society. A new date is just a few clicks away, approval for any bad decisions you make can be easily found with a few posts on FB, etc.

 

If you really put your mind, heart in soul into dating this person, how could they realistically say no? We all want to see our own value reflected in the way others look at us, right or wrong.

 

But again the question is, you keep mentioning the failure of last year as a reason you want this to work. Do you really want to be with this person NOW in the present? Or is there a large part of you thats trying to fix the past, by reliving the relationship now?

[love4me1991]

You never really know whether you have a shot at something until you go for it. And I mean, really align your life with the outcome you want.

 

I think we all get used to not really having to put in effort when it comes to the relationship areas, its a curse of todays social media society. A new date is just a few clicks away, approval for any bad decisions you make can be easily found with a few posts on FB, etc.

 

If you really put your mind, heart in soul into dating this person, how could they realistically say no? We all want to see our own value reflected in the way others look at us, right or wrong.

 

But again the question is, you keep mentioning the failure of last year as a reason you want this to work. Do you really want to be with this person NOW in the present? Or is there a large part of you thats trying to fix the past, by reliving the relationship now?

 

I really liked him last year, but I was unable to open up and get over the past as I think it was too soon. I took my baggage into the relationship and couldnt be myself. I enjoyed spending time with him , we had a connection that I hadn't felt with anyone before. I still feel it when I am around him. I just wished I realized it was a bad time last year and put things off. Now I want a second chance, but i am so afraid to ask . I know he was busy with work and things last year, but I dont know if that was his whole reason for ending things. I guess I am afraid of being rejected as well

[NTV]

Well what's the worst that could happen?

 

Side note: 'baggage' is only that until you decide it's become a trial you've passed through. So how much 'baggage' do you have now that fits into the trial category and how much is waiting to get there?

 

Edit: sorry lol not asking for you to talk about the baggage... phrasing was off there lol. but if you need to I'm guessing that you could start a new thread for it.

[love4me1991]

Well what's the worst that could happen?

 

Side note: 'baggage' is only that until you decide it's become a trial you've passed through. So how much 'baggage' do you have now that fits into the trial category and how much is waiting to get there?

 

Edit: sorry lol not asking for you to talk about the baggage... phrasing was off there lol. but if you need to I'm guessing that you could start a new thread for it.

 

lol no worries its just that the ex prior to him was a 4 yr relationship, he treated me like crap.. i went through anxiety , trust issues, blaming myself.. the recent ex I am talking about came about a month after him so I guess you can say I didnt give myself time to sort out my issues. Since I've been single for the last 6 months I have definitely healed a ton.

 

So my only issue is that he does not like me in the same way anymore. I mean since we work together i see him often and I read into a lot of his actions. The first time he asked me out last year he was very hesitant and it took him about 2 months . I don't know if he is waiting and shy or he is not interested at all. Sometimes he acts very nervous around me when we are alone but in a group setting he always comes around

[NTV]

From what I understand, it usually takes 1/10 to 1/3 the time spent in a relationship to recover from it. 'Course, a hopeless romantic might choose someone as 'the great love of their life' and hold onto that forever. Either way, 6-8 months for 4 years might be right, or it might be you still have some residuals.

 

 

Do you journal? Journaling might help figure out the residual question, and it would be a good place to build up the courage to ask him out.

 

 

Then again, after a 4 year relationship, you might want to just find some fun and forget how to spell commitment for a few months. (in a way that demonstrates self-respect, of course).

[dustin2016]

From what I understand, it usually takes 1/10 to 1/3 the time spent in a relationship to recover from it. 'Course, a hopeless romantic might choose someone as 'the great love of their life' and hold onto that forever. Either way, 6-8 months for 4 years might be right, or it might be you still have some residuals.

 

Not trying to hijack the thread, but this is something simple I had forgotten. 9 years in, at least 9 months out. But what to do in the meantime..

 

I suppose if I don't pay my dues, I could enter and exit a relationship similar to the OP, and then hope to make it right down the road.

 

I like the journal idea. Keep track of your inner dialogue day to day, figure out your reasons and motivations.

 

Also, it sounds like the guy was the "let her make the first move type"

 

You are definitely going to have to be the one driving this thing if you want it.

[NTV]

But what to do in the meantime..

 

 

 

I vote that you live life by involving yourself in extra-over-complicated and intricate prank wars. Of create the world's best fart joke.

 

 

But then again my life goals don't always feel too common....

 

 

but yeah, the journaling thing saved my life (probably literally), so I recommend it to anyone who will listen.

 

 

Plus it can do a whole lot of great things just in personal happiness. Example: if I eat at my fav food joint 1-2 times a week I'm good. Any more than that it sucks the fun out of it. which, yeah, might sound like common sense to some, but for me if I get caught up in the moment and go 'that sounds great!' only to have that joy crushed by my own over-enthusiasm, did make a difference.

 

 

Then again, who knows? You could find it to be the biggest pain in the ass and waste of time in the world. To each their own!

[love4me1991]

Not trying to hijack the thread, but this is something simple I had forgotten. 9 years in, at least 9 months out. But what to do in the meantime..

 

I suppose if I don't pay my dues, I could enter and exit a relationship similar to the OP, and then hope to make it right down the road.

 

I like the journal idea. Keep track of your inner dialogue day to day, figure out your reasons and motivations.

 

Also, it sounds like the guy was the "let her make the first move type"

 

You are definitely going to have to be the one driving this thing if you want it.

 

lol I definitely suggest getting over the last relationship completely so you could give the next girl your all, as well as let yourself heal instead of being set back like me.

 

Since you say he seems like the " let her make the first move type" can I ask you as a guy if you were him , how would you react to a situation like this ?

[NTV]

I know you're asking Dustin, but as a guy, I wouldn't see it as a 'situation'. I saw a chick, she broke it off, we still flirt. Good times. Until you approach him with availability that's all there is.

 

 

Keep in mind that if that's all there is in his mind, there isn't anything to prevent him from seeing someone else right now and no obligation to tell you about it.

[love4me1991]

I know you're asking Dustin, but as a guy, I wouldn't see it as a 'situation'. I saw a chick, she broke it off, we still flirt. Good times. Until you approach him with availability that's all there is.

 

 

Keep in mind that if that's all there is in his mind, there isn't anything to prevent him from seeing someone else right now and no obligation to tell you about it.

 

thanks for the input! so if your ex that you flirt with came out and approached you with availability what would you think/say ?

 

I totally understand he could be seeing someone and that is what is stopping me from approaching him aswell, I dont know if it would be akward for me to ask or not. lol I also dont know if i should explain my situation and what i went through last year or go ahead with the whole maybe ask him to go out for drinks and have a good time first.

[NTV]

Chick just go for it!

 

We guys got to deal with fear of rejection on a near daily basis even from ours wives when married. God forbid we look for someone at a party or bar or club. ... that's like asking for rejection because we like being rejected.

 

It's actually kinda funny to me seeing how a woman goes through it. I'd bet women don't deal with it nearly as much.