Why can't I let him go? He makes me crazy..or maybe I make myself crazy..
X and I have been inseparable practically for one year. We dated for 2 months hot and heavy - giving each other no time to breath and then he broke up with me. he said he wasn't over his divorce and just didn't have the heart to love again. That was last February. 1 week later we were back to hanging out a few times a week and talking on the phone for hours every day. We had our long emotional discussions but once I stopped pressuring him for answers and just enjoyed my time with him, then we feel back into sleeping together again. We did this over and over and over again until October. In October, right after I started dating someone else, X really brought it on strong and we got back together. We didn't label what was going on between us, it just sorted happened and the next thing you know he is calling me his girlfriend. We even talked marriage and were planning on moving in together. We made a major purchase together one evening and that same weekend, his youngest child told me that he loves me. The very next day, we got into a stupid fight when we were drunk - something soo soo silly. He was asleep and I was drunk and started pulling on his eyes to get him to open them. The next second he jumps out of bed and says it is over between us. After HOURS of crying and trying to get him to talk, the only thing I can get out of him is that he just doesn't love me and he is never going to love me.
The next week I go over to get my stuff and we hang out for hours. As I am leaving he asks me to just give him some time. I tell him I can't do this to myself anymore - that it is over for me. That was just brave talk though. I LOVE him. And I find it hard to believe that he doesn't love me. Especially since we still spend SO much time together and ALWAYS have so much fun. We are always laughing. It has been 1 month now since we broke up and this week we started sleeping together again. And it is so good.
OK now comes the even crazier part. I read his email. I have known the password for a long long while but started reading it a couple weeks ago. I was trying to get answers. I thought maybe since he wouldn't tell me why he didn't love me - maybe he would tell someone else. But he has never mentioned me in a single email. I know what I am doing is wrong but now I find out that he has been lying to me for a LONG LONG while. And they are usually stupid lies. I went through his sent items and read about dinners that he had when I was out of town and he woud write me and say he was home and went to bed early. I read about parties that he went to but never told me about and didn't invite me to go with him (even when we were talking marriage). And now the craziest thing of all. I left his house this morning and today he wrote an email to a friend of our's sister and asked her out. What do I do? I go even crazier and call X and ask him to go to dinner with me this weekend. I am only trying to get him to tell me he already has plans and see if he tells me that he is going to date now (especially since he has sworn to me over and over again that he has no intention of dating anyone - - that he just isn't ready).
Instead of telling me he has plans, he accepts my invitation! So what will he do exactly? will he cancel his date with her or with me?? And why do I care? Why can't I stop loving him and just let him go. I feel like a crazy person - some sort of stalker now but of course I have to keep reading so I can find out what is going on...
Any advice on how to get myself though this and out of this craziness?
It sounds like he is afraid to get close. Just leave him alone. STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM. Be his friend and nothing more and only take him when he is ready to be had (as a boyfriend). Dont put up with half-assing!
I never plan on sleeping with him. It just always sort of happens. Besides, I don't even know what is going on between us now. I say I am moving to Florida now and he says he is moving to Texas. Yet we never make many steps toward those goals.. I am hurting myself so much by reading his emails though. he and the girl he asked out talked on email all day today - in between the emails he was sending back and forth with me.. I need to stop. How do I make myself stop reading the emails?
This seems a theme - he sounds a classic committment phobe (read the thread on breaking up about this). and you sound a typical CP addict. When they withdraw, we become more clingy, when we withdraw they do. It is exhausting and it certainly doesn't mean you are crazy or a stalker. REad 'men who can't love'. All good stuff.
Good grief. I'm starting to get really annoyed at these commitment phobic arses. Tonia and I are fast becomming the resident commitment phobe experts around here, and we agree that's what this bloke is. Read up about it, I guarantee you'll have a major "oh my god" moment when you do. Oh and if you're having trouble letting go of him, realise it's because you're addicted. He probably came on strong to start with then mysteriously backed off at some point. Started to nit pick you and the relationship, crushed your ego and self esteem. You wonder what you did wrong to change his feelings for you. You think winning him back is the only way to feel good about yourself again. But really you've been hooked by a need to beat the phobia.
Dating other people when he's seeing you is one of their tactics. They actually want you to catch them. They might love you, want to be with you etc etc, but it freaks them out. They're scared of being with you. They feel smothered, engulfed, in need of space "just to be me again" (go ahead and be you, I never tried to stop you or get in your way, you could do anything you wanted you idiot - sorry, just got sidetracked talking to my own commitment phobic ex there for a second). Getting caught cheating is a way out. And once they get their space and see you moving on, they come running back and the whole sorry cycle just keeps on going.
Read up on it. Seriously. If you don't understand what's going on you're going to get hurt badly. Once you understand what's going on you're probably still going to get hurt. But at least you might feel a bit less bewildered by what's going on.
Jason, I love your style. You really make me laugh...
What made me laugh today was the reporting on the Michael Jackson trial. The dude is an insane genius... Apparently, they showed the Martin Bashir documentary in court and he kept getting up during the music sequences and dancing… I love him…
Sorry, I know that is really off topic, but sometimes we all need a bit of lightening up, and I just read that now.
Listen to Jason, sweetheart. Save yourself a lot of grief in the long-run, and if you decide not to, then you can join us strategising how to proceed with the committment phobe. Dunno about you Jason, but my self-esteem is slowly recovering...
Thanks you guys. I read your posts during lunch today and I have been thinking about it throughout the day. It is DEFINITELY an addiction. I will completely agree with you on that one. Even at times when I should be so angry at him and should never speak to him again, I can't get enough self esteem back to let him go. I am 32 and have had many relationships in my life and never ever enjoyed myself so much as when I am with him. When we are together, we have the bad habit of ignoring everyone else in the room, forgetting to call other friends and make plans with them, and sometimes even calling in sick to work or going in late just to be together. And that will last a few months where we cling to one another and then one night he stops sleeping with his arms around me. The next day maybe he doesn't call me from work like he normally does. The next day I find I have to repeat myself more and more because he isn't listening to me. And then I realize he is slipping away I suppose and I try SO hard. I make myself be more patient, more fun, more considerate, more loving - always thinking it is something I am doing or not doing that is making him run. And when I ask him what is wrong he always tells me that I am making up stuff - that nothing is wrong but I am reading into everything wrong. Then a couple days later he tells me he has been thinking about breaking up with me for a week... OH wow, Yeah I saw the signs - but he made me think I was being overly emotional and looking for problems. He made me not trust my own instincts and that is really cruel.
Am I angry at him? Yes. But I love him and maybe I don't necessarily need him (something I am just now coming around to) but I want him. Why I want someone so mixed up and emotionally unhealthy is beyond me though. We have that date this Friday. And according to his emails, he has a party he is going to on Saturday where that girl will be and then they are planning on their first date on Sunday. What the heck? How does he continue to sleep with me and then wake up with me in his arms and go to work and email this girl? I SO want to say something but then he will know I am reading his emails. (I REALLY REALLY need to get a grip on that. I plan on finding a way to broach the subject of Internet security and STRONGLY suggest he start changing his passwords once in awhile, because I don't have the willpower to stop reading..) God, that makes me a horrible person, doesn't it???
...........What do you think is going to happen with this relationship. Your his booty call, his B game. You appear to have something clinically known as codependency. The killer is, your the one who will take the fall when he finds a a new flavor of the week.
Per your post you know this. Your going to take a quick shot to the pubic bone when he ditches you for another. You also have some obsessive tendencies, that if not kept in check are going to be the type of issue restraining orders were modeled after.
No, I get it. He's a divorced dude who was on relationship lock down. He got involved with you and said all the right things, the sex is great.......But somethings not right. His behaviors erratic, he breaks up with you, gets back together with you etc. etc. etc.
Seen this many times, magic 8 ball says your going to get rolled and your going to be distraught, broke and confused. Your addicted to the drama beacuse you have to deal with your own issues when the silence comes
Mollyana my heart really goes out to you. I hope my previous post didn't sound harsh, I've had a bad day of it myself. Of course there are differences in every case, but I can relate to so much of what you've described and I know it's very, very difficult and painful, isn't it? I particularly relate to what you say about having reason to be angry and never speak to him again, yet you find yourself making excuses for, and accepting, the bad behaviour - and in my case saying "I have to still be able to forgive him in case he apologises and wants to come back".
You probably know you deserve a whole lot better, you want a whole lot better, but the killer is that you want it from him...only him. What I'm grappling with, so I know it's not an easy notion to accept, is that maybe I'm not really in love with him like I think I am, instead what's going on is I'm addicted to beating the phobia and really "winning" him as a means of restoring self respect. Afterall, in this situation of addiction that would be the ultimate "hit".
He came on really strong in the beginning and made you feel so special, didn't he? So when he got scared or "didn't have the heart to love again"and pulled back, your self esteem and ego took an almighty blow. You probably wondered what you had done wrong, because it must be your fault. Maybe he'd even suggested some things towards the end of your time together that you might have been doing wrong - or might have been wrong about you. When you realise how codependant you've become and what you allowed to happen to your self esteem, you get pretty desperate to fix it, and fix it quick. And he's sending you out ongoing mixed signals, giving you the hope that maybe, one day... There's always a chance if you just try hard enough or smart enough.
Look, who knows...maybe there really is a miniscule sliver of possibilty if you come to some complex rationalisation for why being in striking distance is going to be enough to get you through for the time being, and how you can afford to spend the dignity it's going to cost you. But at some point you have to ask yourself exactly how long you intend to flog this horse carcus.
That's my experience of it and something tells me you're going to relate to it...?
Oh, I forgot to say...the email thing has got to stop. No chats about security to get him to change his passwords. Just stop. Right now. You cannot afford to do this. I understand the temptation and voyeuristic thrill of it - my ex doesn't realise I can tell when he's visited my blog, which he was doing for a while. But if you get busted you are facing a decade of therapy right there. You have to stop now.
We are all things to these people and there is NO motivation for them to change, even if they are capable of it. I for one don't necessarily believe in complete no-contact in all cases, but I certainly don't think we should be initating any.
I am struggling not to call mine at the moment, which is what I know he wants. But if I do, what on earth am I achieving other than a short term gratifying calm. I am playing into his hands, being his safety net and not making him face the consequences of his actions at all. He knows that if he gets lonely and decides he wants me back, I am hanging by a thread. Put yourself in their situation - wouldn't that be the ideal scenario?
Please let him do the running at least - if you can't let him go completely. Don't make yourself too available.
Well guys, the crap hit the fan today... He cancelled the date for tomorrow. He said he thought it was a bad idea for us to be sleeping together again. oh i am sorry, that didn't seem to bother you when YOU initiated the 3 times in the last week. So then I check his email (I hope for the last time) and 2 seconds before he wrote to me, he received an email from the girl - accepting a date for tomorrow night.
Well, call me crazy, but here is what I wrote to him. Being angry is the only thing stopping me from crying (well, besides this site!):
[color=darkred][color=cyan]the more I think about it, I realize you are right on the same level as Russ. He abused me physically and emotionally, but you were worse. You played your little game for a year - using me, treating me like crap, taking me for granted, playing with my head and my heart, letting me get close and then slamming my head into the wall. Letting me move on, then bringing me back in (SEVERAL times!) no, you can't stand it when I am moving on to someone else - so you have to stick your knife in me again and twist it.
Oh and thanks so much today too for the email. If you had any consideration for me at all, you could have discussed this during dinner tomorrow. But no, I tell you this is the worst week I have ever had at work. You know I am teaching and check my emails during break - and that is what I read in the front of the classroom where everyone can see I am about to cry. Then I got sick and had to go throw up.
I was looking forward to spending time with you when it didn't involve sex. I was really excited about it. But I see that is all you think I am worth (just some whore). Good Luck to the next unsuspecting victim of yours. You are so self centered that you can't possibly ever love anyone else. I wonder sometimes if you act this way because Janet left you OR she left you BECAUSE you are like this. I know now I was TOO good for YOU - not the other way around.
I have NEVER EVER been this angry at ANYONE before as I am right now with you. I have never been the violent type, but I swear to God I will have a hard time not punching you in the face if I ever see you again. Even that is too good for you.
Go get some help and go back to Church. Learn a little something about honesty, generosity, respect, caring, selflessness, and faithfulness. Faithfulness because I know you were sleeping with me while you were seeing other people and vice versa. I have friends. I hear things. My mom and friends were right all along - you are a first class Grade A jerk. I just didn't want to believe it. All the signs were there but LOVE is blind - even LOVE that was all based on an act of what a good person you are... Pfff - what a joke the last year has been. If you had a conscience, all of this would make you sick. Have fun ****ing every girl in town and beyond trying to cure your hurt little ego. Looks to me it deserved to be knocked down a few pegs anyway. Just hope you don't ruin everyone's else lives in the process while you try to pay the world back for what Janet did. Get over it.[/color][/color]
Oh dear, that really is the sh*t hitting the fan isn't it! I can certainly hear your pain and feel for you. I hope you don't regret the email too much later. I've not always won the battle against the urge to take impulsive action where my ex is concerned either, and I did the whole "expressing my anger to him" thing (and felt bad about it later), so I'm not going to tell you you did the wrong thing.
It sounds like he really is a grade A jerk. Maybe he really does need to be told like this. Anyway, I hope you are alright.
Jason, wow you know me. .. I do feel a little bad about it. I don't want to hurt him really. Well, maybe a little. I don't know. I am just so angry!!! And I NEVER get mad. I am usually just upset. I internalize everything. Thought maybe that letter would make me feel better. He hasn't read it yet...is it over the top? Should I delete it? I am considering it. Thinking of maybe writing something a little less harsh. I went out tonight with friends. I couldn't be alone because I didn't want to cry all night and/or write another nasty email or even worse -call him. Believe me, I thought of it. ..
Anyway, I went out and 2 different guys hit on me. One of them asked for my number and I gave him my business card. probably a stupid thing to do.. since he really isn't my type - but hey obviously my type isn't working out so well, is it??? I am 32, engaged twice (both I broke off) and never married and no children. I guess I feel desperate at this point to not be alone...
OK, this is a tough one. I didn't realise he hasn't seen it yet, and I suppose I overlooked the fact you'd be able to delete it! Look, I reckon the trick with these letters to the ex is you should write them. You should express your anger just as you feel it, say all the nasty things you're thinking. Tell him off like a naughty school boy, tell him exactly how it's made you feel. Get it all out. But do not send it to him. Keep it. Ceremonally burn it. Anything, just do not send it to him. Now whether that means you should delete it...it's such a high risk thing to be doing...and I can't condone it...I really don't think you can do it...but that's all I'll say. By all means write something a little less harsh (and write another, even nastier, one too). But sit on it a while, then write another even less nasty one, then sit on it a while. You've got to remember that in the heat of the moment lapses of judgement are all too likely.
Well I'm glad you got out and had some fun, and allowed yourself that ego boost. I'm not motivated by marriage or kids, and I'm only 36, but I have my reasons to feel a little desperate about being alone at this time in my life now and then too. But desperation's not really a great frame of mind from which to choose a partner. You're obviously strong enough to have walked away when you've known it wasn't right twice before, you don't want to end up in some rebound relationship and have to do it again...and risk making some guy feel how you're feeling now. Better that you concentrate on yourself for a while, learn to be happy on your own for a bit, then the right guy who is your type will effortlessly enter your life. (I keep telling myself this too, one day I might believe it!).
Just make sure you don't do anything else impulsive for a while, ok? At the very least sleep on it. Good luck.
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