Can't accept H's habit of multiple partners n divorce is not my choice

[JS Mum]

I am married for 6 years and my husband and I are both 35 years old based in Singapore. We were high school sweethearts and knew each other since we were 16. He is my first love and so am I to him. I fell in love with him for two main reasons; he is very shy with girls unlike my other guy friends and religious. We both went off to universities in different states. I remain totally loyal to him despite being famous in the university and had many proposals by guys with better look, money and future. I was madly and deeply in love with him until reality hits me. I discovered he was cheating me with few girls from his university. I discovered the extent of his cheating bit by bit. I discovered he choose to lose his virginity with a promiscuous woman rather than me. He slept around with two women and we had a very rough situation. Fighting and break ups and getting back together. While this happening, he had a relationship with another new girl. I wanted to break up, but loved him too much to let go. I trusted his words and believed his tears and he swore on me and his mother that he is a changed man.

 

Fast forward, we got jobs in the same city and I tested him once using my mum’s number and he entertained “the girl” without knowing it’s me and went to the extent of meeting her at the agreed place. He got busted and again the drama of crying, begging and asking for my forgiveness happened. And I again stupidly believed him, all because I still love him so very much.

Moving on, we got married and had problem in conceiving baby. It took us 4 years to conceive and docs said it was his problem. I was happily married despite the occasional regrets of why he cheated on me and the occasional cries in the shower thinking about the past despite in has been 10 years since it happened. I do at times reminds him the pain he had caused me and he will confidently brushed it off saying it was before we were married and he is a loyal husband now. That he has never ever even think of cheating on me since we were married. He always asks me if I have any regret in marrying him and I always will answer him I am happy with him, coz that’s what I felt. I was happily married to my first love and glad I gave him a second chance. That was what things were until the day I discovered the truth, about a year ago.

 

It was the day we returned from a week long family vacation, my husband, the 7 months pregnant me and our 1 year old son. He went for a company lunch party that day and later at night I accidently discover from his WhatsApp messages the conversations he had with few women. It was all sexual and asking for a quick meet up for sex that day, and he did that while he was at the lunch party. I still can feel the chill I had that moment while reading the messages. I refused to believe it. The next day, I used a new number and contacted him as a random girl. Instant replies and non-stop sexual conversation. Few days of chatting and arranged to check in to hourly hotel for mutual sex. There I was with a 7 months pregnant belly walking towards him and caught him red handed waiting for her. I cried, screamed, begged, throw tantrum, hit myself in front of him. Wish to die but I was carrying my baby in me. She saved me that day. He confronted to me he had only slept with a GRO once since we were married. The rest were just online sex chatting, video calls and few casual meet ups that didn’t end with sex. It has been happening all the while, before and after we were married.

 

I came from a very conservative family and society. I personally believe divorce will ruin a child’s life. And I will never ever want to be the cause for that to happen to my two innocent babies. He saw how tortured I was and begged me by holding my feet not to leave him and not to take the babies away from him. He confronted two of our guy friends and they were utterly shocked and advised him to change. He swears on my unborn child that he will never ever do it again and to give him 1 final chance. He told me to leave him if he ever does it again. With only focusing on my baby son and my unborn daughter, I sucked it up, all my pain and misery and stayed on.

Went to my parents place for confinement. Was reminding him all the time on the promises he made to me. Was away for 2 months at my parents place. He would visit us every weekend. Came home after confinement and in just 10 days discovered more dirty secrets. I discovered deleted chat history with an Indonesian maid. The conversation is about asking her to have sex with him AGAIN. It was so disgusting to read what he wrote to her. Confronted him with the proofs in my hand. Managed to make him tell me everything he had done. He finally admitted of cheating me all the while and even NOW.

 

I was shaking and shivering as he told me all this. He was with me in the labour room two months back and witnessed the pain I went through delivering our daughter. I had bad stiches and was in terrible pain, both physically and mentally. Was telling him everyday how painful it is. And now to realise he knew and saw what I’m going through and yet choose to hunt for women and managed to have sex with 2 women for few times while I was going through hell. All this happened only 2 months after all the promises and begging. I can’t describe my pain.

 

He told me he has been going to prostitutes and massage parlours that offers sex services, before and after marriage. Told me he would have slept with more than 25 prostitutes excluding the massage parlours. He had been using MSN Massager all this while for sex chats and video calls and switched to Wechat 3 years back. Since using Wechat, he managed to meet women from all walk of life and ethnicity for sex. It includes dates which didn’t end up with sex and first meeting set in hotel rooms for sex. He admitted of having sex with single mother aged 23, few Indonesian and Philippines maids, a married woman who is 5 years older than him. This is mutual sex and he doesn’t need to pay them. He only spends on the hourly hotel rooms. I even called some of them using the number I retrieved from his phone and true enough it all happened. The worst is, he had sex with some of them without condom and ejaculated in them!

 

All this happened during office hours as I will be stuck in my office and his job nature allows him to go wherever he likes. He drives me to my workplace and picks me after office. Never ever spend the night or weekends out without me. Which wife will ever suspect a husband who goes to work at 8am and back home at 6pm and never goes out at night without me?

 

This confrontation happened 8 months back, in July 2015. I was numb, beyond feelings I can describe. Wanted so so badly to die. But I’m still fully breastfeeding my daughter. I need to be alive for my babies. I need to give them the perfect family to grow up in, like the perfect happy family I grew up in. My husband seems sad for few weeks, promised me all kind of things, told me he needs help, that he is addicted and can’t control himself despite knowing the consequences. He went to SLAA meeting only once and said it didn’t suit him and feels counselling is not helpful too. As months went by, he seems to be happy with life.

 

I on the other hand, nothing changed in me for nearly a year now. I still cry every single day when I’m alone. I feel like physically hurting myself when I’m alone. I’m very very broken inside. Finally, my love for him is not as it used to be before. Everyday I wish all this is just a bad dream. The picture of him being intimate with all this women plays in my mind non-stop. Yet, no one knows what I’m going through. I smile, laugh and act very normal to every single person who knows me. But, at the very moment, my heart and soul feel tormented and no way to run. I feel dead. I just don’t know how to explain my pain here. He still swears he loves me and only me and can’t live without me. That all the other women are only to fulfil his lust and can’t match me. Why the person I love and trust the most in this world is doing this without mercy to me?

Edited March 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[ExpatInItaly]

If you haven't done so already, get yourself to a doctor immediately for a full STI and HIV screening. Follow that up with re-tests at the recommended interval.

 

This man doesn't love you, hon. He is horrible and has zero respect for you. I get there are cultural barriers regarding divorce, but I see no good reason to stay married to him. This is his fault, not yours. He put your physical and emotional health in great danger. Sometimes you really have to buck cultural norms to protect your own well-being and that of your children. It is not good for your kids to be in such a toxic environment. Even if they never see you fight, I can guarantee they know something is wrong and they will be affected by it.

 

Are there counselling services near you? I strongly advise you to speak to a professional. You need a lot of help establishing boundaries and self-respect. This man has obliterated your self-esteem but I promise you are worth more. Do not allow yourself to be his doormat for one more day.

[LostOnes05]

I guarantee you that divorce is better than dealing with this on a consistent basis. Children know when their parents aren't happy, and there is no way you can be happy under these conditions. Break away from this little boy and let him see his children every other week.

 

I don't know how you could still have love in your heart for him. He sounds terrible. I'd never treat a woman I loved like that, or anyone else for that matter. I've been cheated on before so I know it hurts and you lose trust in people. I think it is better to be alone than to be with someone and still feel lonely. But you have your children to live and provide for...that's stressful enough, but rewarding to see them grow. You don't need the added stress of an unfaithful man-boy.

 

I wish for your healing and all the love and support you need to get through this. You can and will make it through this. Be the strong woman that you already know you are.

 

**(And not all men are like this...there are good guys out there who would love to have a faithful, caring woman beside them. Don't give up!!)

[Parisian]

The man clearly doesn't love you. Falling out of love with you is one thing, but cheating on you and the kids again and again is another thing. I am an asian, and I understand clearly how close knit asian families are and how divorce is seen as a bad thing. People try to forgive more and give each other another chance when the problems are not in fact superficial but rather very deep.

Your husband has an addiction to sex and nothing short of a crisis will make him come out of it. He knows that you are forgiving and will continue to bear, so he continues to fulfil his pleasures.

 

You are not obliged to stay in the marriage. There are much better people in the world and you AND YOUR KIDS deserve a lot better.

 

I broke off from my girl a week back. In 2014, when she was visiting a conference in Italy, I surprised her by arriving at the destination and receiving her at the airport. When we got back to the hotel, I saw romantic text messages from someone she was cheating on me with. I took my flight back to Paris the same night and that event has been inscribed on my heart with a chisel for life and will stay on till I die. I did a lot for this girl but she never respected me. The last time she messaged me saying she was going out with another man on a date and went so far as to write to me all where she went and what she did with him. People dont usually change unless a crisis befalls them. And I realise your crisis is worst than mine.

 

Opt out before you hurt your forgiving heart because one day you will definitely leave him for good, but the more you stay, the more you will find it difficult to forgive yourself to have stayed in this relationship. Its better early than late.

[JS Mum]

Dear ExpatinItaly,

 

I had a medical check up done and cleared now. I forced him to get it done and he did suffered from mild STD which he had medication given.

 

You are right in saying I need to establish self-respect. I seems to have lost it.. I don't fight with him. I carefully create a happy environment my for kids. I can even take care of my husbands need after all that he did to me. I still try very hard to work things out..At times, I question myself. Why am I behaving this way?

[sandylee1]

Why did you ever marry him?

He's a serial cheater and sounds like a sex addict.

 

You will never be enough for him ..... he will always cheat on you.

 

I just hope he doesn't infect you by sleeping with these prostitutes and other women.

 

There comes a point that you have to respect yourself and even if you love someone ...... you put an end to the blatant disrespect and disregard for your health.

 

This isn't what a marriage should be..... by taking him back all the time you are accepting and condoning his cheating ways. You are telling him it's okay ... that you'll always be there for him.

 

There comes a time that you stop tolerating this nonsense.. I mean what does marriage mean to him.

 

If you want peace of mind... leave him.

[elaine567]

You can spend your entire life twisting and writhing in agony over this man's behaviour all you like, but it will make not one whit of a difference to him.

 

He is who he is, I very much doubt he will change. It is not like he suddenly turned into this, apparently he was always the same.

So YOU need to decide what YOU need to do about your situation.

How can you change your life so it is happier and more fulfilling for YOU?

[PegNosePete]

I need to give them the perfect family to grow up in

Then get rid of your cheating, lying husband and find a good man instead who will treat you right.