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Ex gf reaches out, suggestions needed


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Just found out about this forum recently, decided to share my experience and hope to get some feedback.

 

My ex and I dated since high school, we were each others' first, with me being 2 years older than her (I'm 24, turning 25). During our 7-8 years together, we had to go through 3-4 years of long distance relationship due to my education. Anyway, she was a girl that deeply supported what I wanted to do with my life, and I'm grateful that she was a part of my life.

 

During our last 6 months together, let's just say things didn't go well. Due to many issues on both end, our communication failed. Without going into full detail, this led to her dropping the news on me last December. At first she just wanted a "break," and asked for space. This quickly turned into a break up.

 

For the first 2 weeks, I made all the mistakes of trying to talk/reason with her. Begging and buying her treats. After that, we had a talk that led to me telling her how I understand her point of view. I unintentionally went no contact for a week or so before she asked me to hangout Christmas eve.

 

I prepared her presents anyway, so all of that went well. This was the point where I thought we would slowly work things out. We even went on a few dates after Christmas that went exceptionally well. There were some major heartbreaks in between this though, like accidentally running into her and her rebound in the mall, or her accidentally talking about a movie she watched with another guy.

 

After new years, we scheduled another hang out, in which she apologized to me for leading me on. At that point, I told her all the things that's been on my mind. How she was partying her life away to hide the sadness, how I tried my best to be there for her but I'm tired. This was the first time she was scared of me leaving, and asked for a week to clear her head.

 

A week of no contact went by, and her final decision was still a no. We ended on best terms possible, and I went about my way. For the next week or so, I attempted at the whole friends thing given our history, even met up for dinner once. After that, I confessed that this friends thing won't work out and it's best that we don't speak for awhile. I said she can contact me once she's figured it out.

 

As far as I know, she is fully focused on her studies now. I would like to think I helped her refocus her life.

 

I went full no contact after that, but she would still message me here and there during these times. At first I would get baited into responding to her, but now I've learned! Last week I got to a point where I just removed my messaging apps and unfollowed her elsewhere. Even then, she still tries to make sure her name pops up in my life once in awhile.

 

When we ended things, she definitely tried to lead me on by talking about her love towards me. She even mentioned about our future together, and trips we would take later this year. Either way, it was a terrible experience.

 

I'm honestly not sure what to think about all this, and just trying to go NC for as long as I can. If she comes back a month or two from now, I wouldn't really be sure what to make of it. I really want to just heal, move on, so one day I can look at her neutrally.

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Sorry you're hurting, OP. Break-ups are awful especially when you have a lot of history.

 

However, you were both so young when you got together that neither of you really knows what dating other people is like. Unfortunately, these young loves rarely last. People change so much in their teens and twenties and it's natural to want to explore what else is out there. It doesn't mean that she didn't love you or value the relationship. But she's growing up now, as are you. It's not a bad thing at all to develop independence and be single for a while as an adult. Get to your know yourself again outside the context of a relationship.

 

You are right that you can't be friends right now. It's too soon and there are too many feelings involved. Letting go of each other will like breaking an old habit. You're so used to having each other around that it will take time for both of you to truly detach. Stay No Contact. Don't worry about what she's doing, whether it's dating someone else or partying too much. It's not your problem anymore.

 

And vent here when you need to!

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I completely agree.

 

What sucked is that we were each other's best friend and soulmate during all this time. Due to me always moving around, I never really developed a solid group of friends around me. This led to some serious loneliness, especially when I finally made the choice to drop her as a friend.

 

I'll try my best to not care what she does with her time, but I do want the best for her. Either way, no contact.

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So long story short, my ex of 8 years broke it off with me 2 and a half months ago. Tried getting her back the first month with no result. We officially ended on decent terms.

 

Here are some of the things that happened:

 

- She sees a future between us, but she doesn't know what she wants right now for herself. She loves me, says I've changed, but only offered to be friends.

 

- I refused her friendship and asked her to contact me if she figured herself out.

 

- I've been on NC, and she tries to reach out by likes/tags on social media following short messages. I've unfollowed her everywhere and uninstalled my messaging app.

 

- She tries to reach out like once or twice a week. The latest one, she texted me to ask if I received her message. She doesn't know I already uninstalled the app.

 

 

Now I know she wants to talk and see me. I can make that happen pretty easily, since the break up wasn't terrible. However, I'm not sure if I should see her. I know the two sides of this will be, remain NC until she says the magic words. The other side would be the assume her interest level is there and work from there.

 

As for me, I'm definitely not over her but has grown enough to relate to her. Any opinions will be appreciated.

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Simon Phoenix

Yeah, I would stay No Contact and better yet, I would block her number for the time being. Not to punish her, but to really allow you to get your head straight instead of wondering why she's contacting you. Even if you don't go to that place, what you should not do is assume that she's interested in what you're interested in. That's a disaster in the making.

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Yeah, I would stay No Contact and better yet, I would block her number for the time being. Not to punish her, but to really allow you to get your head straight instead of wondering why she's contacting you. Even if you don't go to that place, what you should not do is assume that she's interested in what you're interested in. That's a disaster in the making.

 

So basically, don't do anything unless she is clear of her intent? It's just extra hard for me right now because our supposed anniversary is approaching, and she is giving me these messages.

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Simon Phoenix
So basically, don't do anything unless she is clear of her intent? It's just extra hard for me right now because our supposed anniversary is approaching, and she is giving me these messages.

 

Until you are recovered, yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. She broke it, it's up to her to fix it and be clear about fixing it. And there's no anniversary because there is no relationship. If you can't resist responding, or her texts make you obsess and overthink, you need to block.

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Help needed... she asked multiple times to hang out on Valentines this upcoming Sunday. However, never talked about getting back together. Is this a good first step or continue to ignore?

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Simon Phoenix
Help needed... she asked multiple times to hang out on Valentines this upcoming Sunday. However, never talked about getting back together. Is this a good first step or continue to ignore?

 

https://media.giphy.com/media/iJxHzcuNcCJXi/giphy.gif

 

She doesn't get to get the perks of having a boyfriend after breaking up with the boyfriend. This is not a good thing. This is her using your desperation for her benefit.

 

She needs to come correct if she wants you back.

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https://media.giphy.com/media/iJxHzcuNcCJXi/giphy.gif

 

She doesn't get to get the perks of having a boyfriend after breaking up with the boyfriend. This is not a good thing. This is her using your desperation for her benefit.

 

She needs to come correct if she wants you back.

 

At the same time, she's still young and immature and many not know how to handle the situation. In her mind this might be a romantic thing to do.

 

Even though I believe that the odds of disappointment is 99.9%, I would at least ask her what she wants before blocking. "Do you want to try again? Yes or no?". If the answer is anything other than "Yes. I miss you and breaking up was a big mistake", block and ignore.

 

While NC is great for healing, "What if's...?" can really slow down the process. It's sometimes better to try to get a straight answer first.

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Simon Phoenix
At the same time, she's still young and immature and many not know how to handle the situation. In her mind this might be a romantic thing to do.

 

Even though I believe that the odds of disappointment is 99.9%, I would at least ask her what she wants before blocking. "Do you want to try again? Yes or no?". If the answer is anything other than "Yes. I miss you and breaking up was a big mistake", block and ignore.

 

While NC is great for healing, "What if's...?" can really slow down the process. It's sometimes better to try to get a straight answer first.

 

I guess it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to ask, though he should only do this if he can pull the ejection cord without hesitating when the answer isn't unequivocally yes. Odds are that she's going to try to dance around the issue and avoid it to get what she wants and if he's going to be sucked into that, then it would be counterproductive for him to engage her.

 

Her immaturity isn't his problem, though. It's not his job to relate to the person who dumped him -- it's her duty to play ball on his court if she really wants to.

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An update on what happened. I rejected her request for Valentine's and asked her to meet up yesterday. I asked her what her intentions were for asking me out. She said she missed me, didn't want to spend that day with anyone other than me. She said she felt like there was nothing she had and had moments of weaknesses. When she reached out multiple times, she tried to grab onto whatever she had.

 

All of that being said, she never said she wanted to start anything with me. On top of that, she acknowledged that her asking me out is just hurting me. I asked her not to contact me like we originally agreed upon if she doesn't know what she wants.

 

She broke down, and we said what we needed to say. I have to admit, I got hit super hard as soon as she left. Back to the beginning, and I hope this is the end of it.

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Simon Phoenix

Way to stay strong in a tough situation. I wouldn't have met up with her, but it sounds like you handled it well. Unfortunately I figured that she was just using Valentine's to be completely selfish, but it sounds like you handled it as well as you could have. At this point you should probably block, because I'm guessing she's going to continue to throw out these breadcrumbs periodically.

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I do regret meeting her, but what was done was done. I think it was for the best, even though it was extremely painful.

 

I already blocked her, and to be honest, I've had many moments of weakness this day alone that led me to unblocking her. Always end up just blocking her at the end. I believe for the next while until I moved on, it's for the best.

 

I think an 8 years relationship, she should respect this.

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