Looking for some thoughts, opinions, any help please

[Jimmy73]

Before I start this, sorry for double posting. I realized I posted this in the wrong forum and am not sure how to move or delete it.

 

 

So I'm going to try to be as concise as possible, and I thank anyone who reads through this and decides to express their opinion. I'm 31 years old, and my wife and I separated in May of 2014 after marrying in September of 2011, been together since October 2009. She's a little over 6 years older than me and has two children of her own, with a large age gap (19 and 9, been involved in their lives since the 19 year old was 11, and the children are from 2 different dad's). We had a very loving and passionate relationship from the start, and my family, especially my mom were against our marriage, but eventually turned it around.

 

Anyways, in the interest of saving time, through faults on both sides we ran into financial issues, that stressed other issues in our lives, including the fact that my wife was feeling like although she loves me, she felt like she was choosing me over her youngest, her son, when she could try and make it work with his father to be able to be in his life as much as possible. This was exacerbated by the fact that when she had her second child she was pressured to get her tubes tied, and believed that if she can't have a child with me, she might as well try to do whatever she could to be in her sons life, and "free me" to have a child with some other woman. It should be noted that I had previously told her before we got married, and still feel it is not a necessity for me to have a child of my own (I enjoy being a step dad and am a special education teacer) .

 

So this past spring after she had moved in with her sons father (right after moving out with me) and was working on a relationship with him, we started talking again. She told me she missed me, and realized that she really wants to be with me. We decided to try and take it slow, work on our own financial situations and improve our lives and see each other. It quickly escalated into seeing each other every day and her wanting me to move in with her then and there. I wanted to continue to pay off my debts that were incurred during our financial difficulties, which has been going along well, but at the time was slowing down because she was always needing help financially, which I didn't mind, but she began to feel like she was "suffocating me", or "drowning me" and got spooked and said everything was happening again and she might as well be with her sons father even if she does love me more. So she broke it off with me agian this past October, but did not get back into a romantic relationship with her sons father. It sucked, especially since to the dismay of my family, especially my mother (who I'm currently living with) were even more upset because I took her back and she did this again.

 

Now in the last couple weeks her sons father begged her for a commitment and yesterday said yes. Now today, she tells me she went and saw her sons father, he said he can tell she doesnt really want to be with him, and she told him he's right she still loves me. So she tells me she want to make us work, we fooled around some, and now I'm home just contemplating what I should do. I love this woman very much. She's said this stuff before to me though, and I voiced that to her, and she said it's different now because she knows no one can make her feel as loved as me, and she can't love anyone else more, and she has no passion for any other man.

 

I feel so torn. On one hand I don't want to be fooled and hurt again, but on the other I don't want to lose the opportunity to make it work with my wife. I married her because I wanted to spend my life with her. I'm so worried my family will not accept her ever again, which I can deal with being shunned some, but I don't know if she can in the long run. She told me we should keep me and her quiet for awhile and see where it goes to not get anyone wiled up. I also have the problem of a girl I work with who I dateD some but stopped when I started talking with my wife again, but that's a whole different thing, and I feel like I've said a lot already. I think that's pretty much everything. If anyone has any thoughts, opinions, similar situations, just want to tell me how dumb I am for putting myself in this situation, I'd very much appreciate it.

 

Thank you so much

Edited February 9, 2016 by Jimmy73

[PegNosePete]

Sorry to say this harshly, but if you give her a third chance, you have rocks in your head. She will do the same thing again and again, as many times as you allow it to continue.

 

Whilst you value your marriage vows, she has made it very clear that to her, they are not worth the paper they're written on. She has cut them up into little pieces and stomped all over them, not once, but twice. What she's doing now shows all the classic signs of an affair. She is staying with the other guy, and having an affair with you!

 

What you should do, is file for divorce, and move on. This woman is not a good wife, not a good partner. She has shown you this quite plainly, multiple times. Now it's up to you to open your eyes and smell the coffee...

[Quest]

You clearly love this woman very much. From what you say, it's difficult to know why she's so changeable but the fact is she is. You've already been very hurt and there's nothing to suggest this woman has suddenly become more reliable. If you were to go back in there again, at the very least you'd be wondering when things might go belly up again which isn't really a recipe for happiness.

[Jimmy73]

Thank you for your feedback. It seems so far that I really shouldn't even consider giving her another chance. Marriage can really be a b****, sucks cause I really do love the woman

[Eaglescout88]

Hello, I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. At 31 you should be either working on your career and having fun or married and growing your family. Again, I am sorry. The best advice that I can give would be to get debt free fast. The best resource person for this is Dave Ramsey at Dave Ramsey Homepage - daveramsey.com. His core product is called Financial Peace University (FPU), which is taught in churches all over the country. In addition to FPU, he has other tools like a radio program, books, and CDs. Again, I am really sorry that you are in this situation. I really wish you the best. Kevin

[RocketQueen]

I'm a sucker for a happy ending and tend to give anyone the benefit of the doubt but this, especially the bold jumped out at me...

 

I love this woman very much. She's said this stuff before to me though, and I voiced that to her, and she said it's different now because she knows no one can make her feel as loved as me, and she can't love anyone else more, and she has no passion for any other man.

 

 

Just how loved do YOU feel?

 

She took her time to figure it out...then doubt herself, then figure it out again.

 

It could very well be that she now knows for sure but if I were in your situation I don't know if I would ever feel content or entirely secure in the relationship that she would never leave again.

 

Take a step back. If a friend of yours was telling you this story as their own, what would you advise?.

[Jimmy73]

Hi everyone, it's been a long time, and sorry for rehashing this old post, but I have some updates and would really like some feedback/advice.

 

My wife, who is still my wife as a divorce is yet to be finalized, moved out of her baby daddy's place and now lives 10 min from me. She has expressed to me that she wants to be back together, and she wants to prove to me she's for real. I have already voiced my apprehension, and as it is, already feel dumb for not just yelling "NO". It's just still hard for me to completey let go of her.

 

I am also seeing someone right now, for the past couple months who I do very much like, and is very good to me, letting us go slow, even tho I can tell its not easy for her. I have not cheated, I do however still speak with my wife, and as of late, she wants more of me. I know I probably sound like a terrible jackass right now. I've never cheated before, nor have I ever wanted to. What's wrong with me for even allowing this situation to occur? Has anyone else ever had these same crazy conflicting emotions?

[Been]

She had MULTIPLE chances and she blew them. She was living with someone and messing with you-huge red flag.

I've been where you are. I think me and my ex must have broken up 6 times. And it was just like yours-she would be with someone. Contact me. Then have sex with me telling me how much she missed me. And eventually we'd get back together. Repeat 5 more times.

If they cheat on someone with you they will do the same to you. And that's a fact.

[dumbass2]

Sounds like you have a great woman right now who is patient with you and I'll assume she can have a child which is what you said you really want. A child of your own. You ex has been through 2 men already and soon to be 3 with you and sounds like she went back to the last one and things weren't so rosy and you've apparently let her know by actions or words that you are still a fall back option for her. Maybe she wasn't given the type of financial help you were. Please, just get the divorced finalized and build a future with the woman you are with. You didn't mention any, but I'll assume there is no baggage or not near what this last one has?

[40somethingGuy]

Hi everyone, it's been a long time, and sorry for rehashing this old post, but I have some updates and would really like some feedback/advice.

 

My wife, who is still my wife as a divorce is yet to be finalized, moved out of her baby daddy's place and now lives 10 min from me. She has expressed to me that she wants to be back together, and she wants to prove to me she's for real. I have already voiced my apprehension, and as it is, already feel dumb for not just yelling "NO". It's just still hard for me to completey let go of her.

 

I am also seeing someone right now, for the past couple months who I do very much like, and is very good to me, letting us go slow, even tho I can tell its not easy for her. I have not cheated, I do however still speak with my wife, and as of late, she wants more of me. I know I probably sound like a terrible jackass right now. I've never cheated before, nor have I ever wanted to. What's wrong with me for even allowing this situation to occur? Has anyone else ever had these same crazy conflicting emotions?

You are so blessed that you found a great girl. One seems to cherish and respect you. I just have no idea why this is even a question. If you want a life of misery and being stepped on, kick the good one out and let your wife run you over again and again.