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Rekindling short rel. after I get my life together?


nauticalpoem

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Background on me: I am a smart, successful, decent looking girl. I graduated from a competitive college last May and have been unable to find a career since them. Right now I am living with my parents desperately trying to get my life together.

 

Job searching has been pretty rough for me. I've been suffering from depression and severe anxiety, and have gained weight. Dealing with that has been emotionally draining. Note: I have been seeing a doctor and am taking care of myself :).

 

Background on us: I met my [ex?] boyfriend nearly three months ago on Tinder while browsing basically because I was bored. (Before I continue, people around here use Tinder as a legitimate dating site. He is very much looking for a committed relationship.) He isn't objectively attractive. To be honest, he's very un-swipe-rightable. But we both are passionate about agriculture so I gave it a chance.

 

I wasn't really into him at first, but he was super into me which was refreshing so I continued seeing him. He took me on nice dates at least once a week (making plans, paying for dinner and drinks at nice restaurants), immediately introduced me to family (including his parents) and friends, and was excited to see me every weekend. After about four or five dates I started feeling more chemistry and was genuinely interested.

 

I was never able to create full, deep passion though. It's hard to explain but emotionally I always felt like "once I get a job and my own apartment then everything will be amazing". I don't fully love myself at the moment so it was hard to be emotionally available and present. But I wanted to wait it out to see how things would be [presumably in a month or so] when I start to get settled.

 

Apparently he started to lose faith in that. He pulled away nearly two weeks ago. I ask him to meet me for drinks to talk about it last Saturday. Despite the nature of the meeting we had enjoyable conversations and the "talk" went as well as I could hope. He said he was really unsure about his decision to break up and need to think some more. We were suppose to meet up and chat again about it soon, but I think we have mutually decided to part; words aren't needed.

 

As someone who has had their fair share of one-six month relationships, this one was what I need. He is a true gentlemen, gave me affection, consistency, I trust him, I love his family, [continue long list of things I love about him]. Most of all what I like about the relationship was how respectful and constructive we were when we had to "talk". I am not sure if he realizes how rare it is for someone to kindly listen to you, but that made me happy.

 

I truly feel like we couldn't give it a fair shot because of my current situation. It makes me look less than impressive and I was low-energy most of the time.

 

Current inquiry: I truly feel like we couldn't give it a fair shot because of my current situation. It makes me look less than impressive and I was low-energy most of the time.

 

I've never had something fizzle (for a lack of better word) and then tried to revive it later on. In the past my life has always been growing in a more inconvenient direction from my relationships - like moving away or toward a different career path. But in this instance I'm [hopefully] moving closer and into the same career industry.

 

Presuming I end up moving near his town, I am still interested, and he is still single: should I ask him for drinks in a couple months? What would it be like to go on a date after a short lived fling, where nothing bad happened, but the timing seemed off?

 

Misc. notes:

*We both live in rural America where dating is extra difficult so the number of guys that I'd be interested in are far from infinite.

*I don't think he has ever had a girl friend. I am not even sure if he's dated before. If he has it was minimal and a long time ago. Maybe dating more [or trying] would genuinely be good for him, whether he decides he's still interested in me or not.

Edited by nauticalpoem
Grammar.
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Anyone? :/ I guess my question is really, if our situation is better (me getting a job and moving closer) can we develop feelings again?

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My take on it is if you were really into him, you wouldn't care about your situation. You wouldn't want to risk losing him. You would make it work.

 

He's probably a really nice guy, but he just doesn't do it for you. Don't settle but try to find someone new when you feel you're ready to date again.

Edited by Erik30
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He's probably a really nice guy, but he just doesn't do it for you.

 

Honestly this is partly what I am trying to figure out. In the past I've always been OBSESSED with a guy or completely uninterested. 0 or 100mph. I DO like this guy, we have fun together, and he makes me smile, but there was no deep burning passion.

 

I chalked it up to partly being because we met on Tinder (there was no flirty eyes across the office wondering "does he like me?!!?" for a month), and partly because I feel emotionally lethargic [for lack of a better phrase] about everything in life right now.

 

Also, I'm really selfconscious about not having a job right now so it's been hard to talk about my life. I haven't been letting anyone close.

 

At the end of the day, I am not sure if I could potentially love him. I am not sure if my situation affected anything. I just know I would really like to try again at some point :/

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I do get why you would want to try. You're not feeling great, and here's this nice guy who treats you like you always wanted to be treated, only something is missing.

 

But honestly, you're also doing him a favor. You start dating him, maybe it goes well for some time, but then you meet a guy who's everything you've been looking for, and you'll have to dump him.

 

There's this quote from a Deniro movie, "when there is doubt, there is no doubt." I think there's a lot of truth in that. But I guess there's no harm in going on one more date to see if there's something there, after some time has passed.

Edited by Erik30
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Thanks Erik30. You're right, it's not worth dragging out something in hopes that it feels better in the future.

 

I have plenty to accomplish before I can date anyway.

 

Once I'm in a better place I figure either I'll be moved on, or the feelings will be more clearer. No amount of overthinking will make things work.

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Sorry I somehow missed this before ....

 

Why not give it another shot? There are no guarantees in love and life, and not every relationship has to be the dream come true. I assume this would be dating, not marriage. :p

 

Live a little hon, it'll be fun. (And stop planning everything - planners end up spending more time planning than living.)

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